Here's my personal favorite:

Ron: So you hear about the Canons mate?

Harry: *sighs* no

Ron: 5 paragraphs of boring filler

Harry: *lusts after random girl*

______________________________________

And another:

Petunia: Oh no! How could I mistreat the-sister-I-hated's wizard-son! I'm sucha horrible person *hugs Harry*

Harry: I love you aunt Petunia, even though you beat me with frying pans, locked me in a cupboard, and then in a room WITH BARS ON THE WINDOWS... I know it was ALL Vernons fault.


_________________________________________


Dudley: I am good boxer

Harry: Can you teach me?

 

Yea I hate the Boxing cliche... its just not needed. That and Harry is to small for it, AND Dudley is supposed to be to dman stupid to teach a snail, according to Harry's PoV

 

I love these random convo spoofs...

---

Harry: Hey, look, a letter...with the Black Family Crest...Sirius! *sob*

*Opens letter...tada! it's from Bellatrix Black*

[Because we all know Rodolphus died in the interim]

...Sometime later...

Bella: [Gushes] I'm Sorry! It was a stunner! And I was under the Imperious Curse/Potion/Marriage Agreement

Harry: *Hugs*

---

Bill: Ubercool...badass...

*Bullets and spells bounce off of sheer coolness...

---

 

Harry: Omg, its Dobby *Hugs*

Dobby: *Sob* Harry best master ever, house elves fight for you!

*House Elves have secret militas and magically turn into powerhouses with badass personalities*

Harry: Yay! I have a super cool, badass house elf army! Phear me Moldyshorts!

 

Bah, I know I should be writing my paper, but...

---

Lily: Come over here, you big hunk!

James: Get the hell away from me, you mudblood whore!

Lily: But James, we're destined together! We'll have a boy named Harry who will get us killed because of a stupid prophecy Trelawney of all people invented! He'll then kill the Dark Lord...twice! AND Fight a Basilisk!

James:.....

James: Lily...

Lily: YES?...

James: I'd rather screw Lucy over there...

Lucius: huh? *Face lights up in glee*

Lily: But...But..my FIERY hair! My dazzling green eyes! YOU LOVE ME!

*drops love potion into his drink*

James: um...Yes...YES...YES I DO LOVE YOU LILY EVANS!

Lily: good, now I get to play Hard to Get. Get away Potter, you arrogant prick!

---

Sirius: I'm badass...You Know you want me!

RandomGirl:Go away! Talk to the hand...loser!

Sirius: What? I'm hot and sexy!

*displays pimpled face, mullet, and Down-Syndrome like features*

Girls: Ewwww!

Sirius: But who? Who do you like?

*More girls come hand in hand with a handsome, brown haired man with watery blue eyes*

Girls: *sigh*

Sirius: PETER?

Peter: I'm too sexy...

---

McGonnagal: Now, what is the incantation for the Patronus Charm? Mr. Lupin!

Remus: uhhh...

*McGonnagal slams desk*

McG: Don't you know anything you furry bastard?

Remus: *Smokes pot*

---

 

That was half of Chp 5 of The Insane Adventures, lol.

 

Rant against cliches

I don't know about you guys, but personally I'm goddamn tired of all the dark and independant Harry story where he's got 65465465465431 galleons at his disposal and in 2 months gets to the point where he goes to 'humiliate' Dumbledore. I mean FFS! The man's 160, I think he can handle some prick with an ego-boost without experience and Harry being so 'smart' and 'independant' and 'powerful' in those fics should see that! GAH! What happened with the sneering goblins who'd rip your arms off for some gold!? And what's with griphook or ragnok in all the goddamn stories and FFS what's with dumbledore stealing from a child has to do with the goddamn plot except maybe start a dumbles!bashing contest! Im sick and tired of harry 'cunningly planning his escape by knight bus' to diagon! I mean goddamn if you're portraying dumbledore as manipulative I think he'd put tracking wards around the perimeter of privet drive! Like those radar thingies that show the position of people in an area! And I mean that some fucking 'plastered bangs against scar on forehead' wouldn't stop him from fucking being recognized by people for god's sake!!!! PHEW.... I'm knackered....

Personally Id like to see harry with a small amount like 2000 galleons in his trust vault and going away somehow (and for gods sake NOT on the knight bus!!!) to a shack in a forest and stealing by way of magic so he can get money for more books and food. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH EMANCIPATION IN THOSE GODDAMN INDEPENDANT HARRY STORIES ANYWAY!?!?!. I dont understand that bit. Isnt there a better way to portray Harry as free!? I mean in half those fics dumbledore is his guardian and keeps stealing from his 'expansive potter family fortunes'!! I mean who said that potters are an old family anyways? They could be 2 or 3 generations pureblood and have no fucking vaults! But NOO! Harry is 200 generations pureblood and his great x 50-grandfather conquered atlantis 200000 years ago. And what is with him going to knockturn alley to go shoping? Is that the authors' way of making him out to be a rebelious little ass? Going to enemy land? I mean COME ON! If knockturn would be the kind of place where you can go into any shop and buy illegal stuff without any connections the aurors would have brought it down ages ago! I mean you just dont go to buy illegal weapons without having any connections in the first place! Noone would trust you and you'd probably get a bullet in your eye for your troubles! If you write Harry as 'cunning' please, oh PLEASE! dont write "He walked into borgin and burkes and asked: Mr borgin I need illegal books and illegal wands."
FFS That doesn't work in the blackmarket! Youd go down with a black eye at the least! And thats if youre extremely lucky too and the dealer is feeling generous.

All right. Sorry if I offended anyone's fics with this, but Im really tired of the same in all the ones I read. The few original stories that I remember right now are IP82s story (cant remember what its called, really. Havent been updated in 6 months) and I think Lord Ravenclaws EoH. I probably read other original ones but cant remember now so sorry for authors out there that write good original stories.

Thanks for hearing me out.

p.s. would appreciate (SP?) if anyone recommended anything remotely original and yes *sigh* Ive been through the library...

 

Erm...you know there's a thread for cliche rants? Here.

Anyway, yes, I agree with you.

 

You didn't offend me -- but there are five threads devoted to cliche bashing in other sections of the forums.

 

Oh, sorry for the wrong place, but it IS fanfic discussion I didn't think to look it up in the General board. Well if I started a new thread may aswell continue the rants. Another thing I hate is the Animagus qualitys that 'rub off' on Harry. Harry becomes a 'uber-l33t-magical-creature' and all traits rub off on harry. So Sirius is a dog animagus so what? He has to lift his leg everytime he pisses cause he inherited some dog traits from his animagus? Or phoenix!harry, so he'd have to shit everytime he gets scared, because birds do that And the whole animagus part is cliche in itself. Just cuz there's a talent doesnt me Harry has to have it or something. It doesnt quite say in cannon that its impossible to be a magical creature (I think?) but jeez pheonix or griffin or dragon animagus are so lame! Rather be some kind of lame common animal that doesnt get in the way. And while Im talking animagus the Skeeter part in cannon is glitched(?) because insects cant hear or atleast not the pitch of human speech paterns.

 

Oi...i have the ponytail in Chimera!

I can't be bothered though...it's not about making Harry *hawt*, it's about wizarding traditions for the family head.

Cliche:

Harry: Oh shit, Voldemort is coming! Lucky that i trained over the summer.

Hermione: What? Reccomend some books! Give me your library! *groans out her orgasm as Harry flings a tome at her head.

Ron: Huh? Let's play chess!

Harry: No, you are the commander...err, the tactical commander! Pretend like the Final Battle is like a big chess game!

Ron: *weeps* But there aren't any knights! I CAN'T DO IT, HARRY!!! THERE'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!

Harry: ...wait a sec, dammit! You betrayed me! What the {insert pile of swear words here to underline his independance} am i doing talking to you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

*leaves*

Ron: Bloody Hell!

Hermione: *looks up from book and hits him on the head for cursing* RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY!!! Watch your mouth!

(scene break)

Harry: Oh man...lucky i look the part. At the very least, Voldieshorts should be intimidated by my new look, complete with hundreds of throwing knives braided into my hair for easy reach!

*POOF*

Fawkes: You idiot! You'll never beat him! You aren't good enough! *rants for anouther ten minutes, berating the hell out of Harry*

Harry: ...

Fawkes: ...

Harry: You can talk?

Fawkes: FUCK! Independant obviously doesn't mean smart, you poltroon!

Harry: Whoa. You know big words for a talking bird. You know, my aunt used to have a parrot that cursed in eight languages, but i *accidentally* used it to practice the super curses that Merlin taught me.

Fawkes: ...

Fawkes: ...

Fawkes: I give up.

Harry: Huh?

Fawkes: Okay...here's a short cut. *poof! Sword of Gryffindor appears, and instantly turns into a katana, or daikatana, depending on the author's anime preference*

Harry: Huh?

Fawkes: He is defenseless against it. Just stab him. Anywhere. Even his toe.

Harry: Who?

Fawkes: Goddamnit! Voldemort! Tom Riddle! Heir of SLytherin! Red eyes! The dude standing BEHIND YOU!!!

Harry: AAAH! *turns around, accidentally stabbing Voldemort*

Voldemort: Ohhhhhh...how can this be? Me, who protected himself against death. Me, who is the greatest wizard to ever live. Me, who-

Harry: Yeah, yeah, whatever Moldiemort! Whoa, i just made up a new nickname! Too bad you're dying. And by the way, the greatest Wizard ever was Dumbledore! Wait...no, it's me, 'cause i'm Darkbutnotevil!Indy!Harry. He's a manipulative old codger.

Voldemort: *dies* Ohhhhh *BUT!!! he releases Voldemort's Bane(c)*

Hogwarts: *crumbles to the ground. Typically, Gryffindor tower is the first to go.*

Harry: *Stares at destruction, and turns to Fawkes* Any chance of you taking me to an alternate universe?

Fawkes: *looks at him appraisingly* Okay...you'll do. Wait...take this magic staff with you, just in case. And here's a Nagini-tattoo, in case you're bored and want someone to talk to. I've booked you at the Leakey Cauldron under the name 'James Evans'. You see, the other way it would be 'Lily Potter', but people know who that is already. Have a pleasant flight, and buckle your seatbelt. The ride is Wiiiiillllllddddddddddd!

 

I never saw the chess thing. can you show me a fic with it?

 

Err...a lot of H/G stories have it, the older ones. When i started reading fanfiction last summer, there were a shit load of these around.

There's one in which Ron becomes the tactical commander, and the base is the CoS, which can magically elevate and whatnot like an...well, like an elevator. And Harry jumps off the astronomy tower to fight Voldemort, who is approaching, landing easily and proceeding to kick ass.

Terrible, but i loved that shit at the time.

 

Yes, I've got to a point now where I almost always drop fics with Harry!japaneseswordmaster in it.

 

There was one fic that had the Potters originally coming from Japan under some other naem... but I forgot what it was called. It was a pretty good one, and had a trunk that could change into a piece of rolling luggage by the flip of a switch. But thats not why it was good.

 

Ah you brought up my favorite pet pevee. The dark but not evil Harry's. Every other indepandent or anti-dumbledore story out their calls itself dark but not evil. There just independant Harry stories. For Harry to be dark it's not about using dark magic to get the job done. In all those stories they use the same you can kill with a levitation charm so magic is grey argument and then call Harry dark. If Harry is dark he should be planing on killing Voldemort then Dumbledore and taking over the ministry, not beating Voldemort and then geting married to Ginny uke: and leaving the wizardsing world. Thats not Dark.