I'd lie and say it was a ticket to heaven and sell it.

If I gave you a blow-up doll, a piece of meat, a lion, and access to George Bush's house.

 

Fuck Celine and Melissa. I just looked up Sarah McLachlan.

She looks good. I'd sex her up and down and all around, for that matter.

As for the blow-up doll, the piece of meat, tne lion, and access to G.W.'s house, it looks like poor George W. just became the latest casualty of the animal kingdom and I got a steak to slap on the grill!

The blow-up doll for a lonely, rainy day when no one's around.

If I gave you a hammer, Maury Povich, and a canary....

 

I'd let the Canary free near him to distract him then kill him with the hammer, no one needs to hear "You are not the father" anymore.

If I gave you a sniper rifle, five bullets and free ticket out of jail...

 

About Maury...

What I hated the most was when Maury said 'You are the father', and these stupid bitches started running up in the man's face, waving their hands, trash talking, crying, acting like they won something.

Didn't this guy just deny you and your snot nosed brat five minutes ago? I can see why...

As far as a sniper rifle, five bullets, and a free ticket out of jail...

Bullet #1: The asshole Fox executive who killed Firefly. Loved that show.

Bullet #2: Dick Cheney. He's that fucking shady. Much more than Bush.

Bullet #3: Random bystander. I just want to know what God feels like, smiting people....

Bullet #4: The mayor of any American city. I want to stir up some shit...

Bullet #5: One of those fuckers in the train stations who cover themselves in the metallic paint and play at being 'statues' for money. Just annoying.

If I gave you a jump rope, roast pork Lo Mein, and a pair of boxing gloves...

 

I'd train the next Rocky while eating roast pork Lo Mein.

If I gave you a nickel, an electric drill and a small child...

 

I would take mah date to the Eiffel tower and serve her food with freshly grated cheese.

Also WHY DO ASSHOLES KEEP USING ME?!

If I gave you any spaceship from SG1, a Blond model, a planet and a camera.

 

I'd screw the model on the ship floating around a planet taking pictures of me doing the model.

If I gave you a thousand dollars, two bags of weed, and a gun.

 

I'd shoot you, take your wallet, sell the weed, and stick it all in the bank. And the gun would be kept hidden in my sock drawer.

If I gave you a popsicle stick, a pair of paperclips, an elastic band, and a toothpick...

 

...I'd have my own personal super hero sex slave.

If I gave you a shark tank, Bill Gates, and a big black dildo...

 

I would hang with Bill Gates while we call you gay, You will be dangling over the shark tank with the Dildo as your only weapon of defense.


If I gave you a Laser Pointer and a Paintball gun at a republican convention. With No security within a five mile radius.

 

I'd give them the gun, tell them your a democrat and an illegal immigrant and use the laser to point you out, then watch them gang rape you with the gun.

If I gave you Jessica Alba, five pounds of peyote and the launch codes to all the US nukes with unfettered access to the consoles...

 

I'd let Jessica decide what to do because she's so fucking sexy.

If I gave you Jonas Brothers Tickets...

 

I'd burn them.

If I gave you a fork, a matchstick, and a bottle of barbecue sauce.

 

Id light a cig, cover the fork in the sauce and stab Cheney with it.

If I gave you a dancing banana, a penny, and some cool whip.

 

I'd be the happiest prostitute this side of the Ozarks.

If I gave you a starving African child, an all you can eat buffet, and a trip to the Antarctic Circle...

 

I would drop Starvin-Marvin off in the Arctic and go chow down on sum grub.


If I gave you A soda bottle, a tube of lube, a squirrel and Oz.