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Abandoned Immortal by Lutris Argutiae - T~M

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by Lutris, Oct 14, 2006.

  1. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    Location:
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    Title: Immortal
    Author: Lutris Argutiae (me)
    Rating: T~M. T for current content.
    Suggested DLP category: Dark Harry or Alternates
    Words: 6,669
    Updated: October 22, 2006
    Published: October 14, 2006
    Status: Abandoned

    Summary: Tom Riddle was more powerful than anybody realized. Harry Potter lies defeated and torn. A living memory, a Prophecy, and a truth which will shatter Harry's world. PostCoS, Powerful,nonhuman!Harry. Play as a god, and creation will seek vengeace.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3198083/1/

    Crouching Lion's muse has utterly left me for the time being; the lack of updates shows.

    Anyway, currently one chapter, 6000 words. Updates looking to be every week and a half to two weeks, at 5000+ words.


    Checked by Minion, Nov. 24, 2012
    Lutris never managed to publish a second (first) Chapter.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2012
  2. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    That's a pretty good start. The end of CoS IS the most logical place to start off darkish Harry, other then the end of OOTP, of course.

    I'm not sure I quite liked Dumbledore here. Hinting that Harry might turn dark and then showing him the prophecy... something just doesn't click right there. I also didn't get what was the deal with Godric's Hollow. Why would Dumbledore keep the house hidden away because of the prophecy? That are two completely unrelated things...

    4/5
     
  3. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

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    Good start, i can't wait to see Harry's 'inhumannes'. I like when slut is killed in CoS, it deals with younger weasels quite effectively and Harry don't have to be friends with them.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2006
  4. Mordecai

    Mordecai Drunken Scotsman ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Excellent start, looks to be taking off into quite the fic.

    4/5 so far
     
  5. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    I tried to portray Dumbledore as a tired old man who's realized that he's made a large mistake- in this case, not revealing the prophecy to Harry, and while not referred to, the Dursleys.

    When I had Dumbledore say that Harry could turn Dark of his own volition, I intended Dumbledore to be using that as a argument cum counter argument for his case that 'our choices are what make us who we are', saying that Harry could be anything he chose to be. It doesn't have anything to do with the prophecy; Dumbledore comes to a realization that Harry is past the point of innocence during his questioning, and decides to tell him the prophecy, not because of the previous argument. The final nail in the coffin was Harry asking why Voldemort wanted to kill him.

    He didn't keep the house hidden away because of the prophecy- more like he didn't want to face the hard evidence that his protection for the Potters ultimately failed, and has a little guilt trip. He's a kind old man who did some things he'd rather not say during the Grindelwald war, and is still dragging the same emotional wounds from that time, and trying to 'redeem' himself so to speak, by culturing and nurturing the next 'dark lord killer'. He can't bear to see his efforts failing, because it completely undermines his ideology and it's the proverbial kick in the face. He's sort of a coward in that way.

    He only fixes the house because it's the one thing that he can actively do to...placate... Lily and James, at least in his mind, because he knows what Harry might face in the future (the Dursleys not withstanding). He seals the house away, hoping not to revisit it until Harry is old enough- his logic says that if Harry's old enough to learn the prophecy, then he's old enough to deal with dead family ties.

    Someone also pointed out in a review that Dumbledore shouldn't have told Harry the prophecy if he knew that the latter didn't have any mental defenses to speak of. I'm working on figuring out the logic there. At the present, it's the same as OoTP. PostOoTP Harry doesn't have any Occulmency at all either; Snape reads him like an open book in HBP. It's a glaring plot hole there, and I intend to fix it.
     
  6. Myst

    Myst Headmaster

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    Brilliant story Lutris... 5/5
     
  7. parselmaster

    parselmaster Sixth Year DLP Supporter

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    A good start Lutris. I have to say that channeling Avada Kedavra Is overused though, you did use it in a more unique way...

    I give this a 4/5.
     
  8. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Great start, very beliveable characterisation, especially Dumbledore. Nice length chapter with a good balance of action, plot advancment and introspection.

    My only complaint would be this:

    "How did a second year Harry know and use an explosion hex on the basilisk, when he'd only had Quirrel and Lockhart as teachers, and the story had not yet deviated from canon training wise?"

    But that's just a little quibble, nothing important. Keep up the good work!
     
  9. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    I thought the characterization wasn't very good to be honest. The dialogue with Dumbledore was almost unreadable, I was hoping Dumbledore would slap Harry just so he would shut the fuck up and calm down. And Riddle just wouldn't shut the hell up in the chamber. Arrogance is fine, but having him read Harry's every thought then babble about it for awhile was just kinda ridiculous. Decent start though, I just really felt you made your characters really unlikeable. You gotta find a way to show their bad traits without making the readers hate them, IMO. 3/5


    No, it's not, at all. I hate FranticallyDellusional!Harry.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2006
  10. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    I'm keeping him in semi-character here. At first, anyway. As for the explosion hex, let's just say that he picked some things up here and there.

    And, keep in mind that he was the little dweeb in canon maybe a scarce twenty minutes before the fight. Cut him a little slack. I doubt very much that you were a sarcastic, rebellious, dark, moody and otherwise 'cool' little boy at 12-13 either. Besides, Ron IS his only friend aside from Herman and his owl. Dumbledore is his first real 'grandfather' or even 'father' figure in his life, as of now. I tried to make this chapter as close to canon as possible; sorry if you don't like it, but it'll deviate soon, not to worry.

    If you want a little thought on how he's going to change, imagine having a voice tell you to get stronger everytime you think about anything named Tom, the Prophecy, which is going to be on his mind a lot at any rate. Pretty darn annoying. Grates on your nerves- he's going to be pretty moody and annoyed later on. And some other fucked up things that he'll learn will probably push him off the deep end sometime or other. We'll see how it goes.
     
  11. doc_gerbil

    doc_gerbil Sixth Year

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    really like it so far. a great set up for a story that could go in any powerful!harry direction. i look forward to the next update. 5/5
     
  12. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

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    If Harry turns out like Tom Riddle, in the sense that he screams at the sky and giggles insanely, then I'm going to love this Harry.

    Anyway, good work. A few mistakes in there, mainly grammar and spelling, but other than that, the rest was great. I enjoyed it and I await more.
     
  13. Prophet of the Waves

    Prophet of the Waves First Year

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    Nice one I liked it and I can't wait for more I like how you did Harry and the Tom I look forward to seeing more of your story 5/5
     
  14. Fuegodefuerza

    Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

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    Hmmm...this is almost the exact same beginning for a story that I'm starting. Harry goes into the Chamber, gets his ass beaten by Riddle, lets Ginny die, and vows to become stronger. Weird, huh? Too bad that you beat me on the draw, because that means that I'm going to have to write something different now.

    Anyways, good job on the chapter. Written well, entertaining, overall good read.
     
  15. Darius

    Darius 13/m/box

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    Aren't people going to realize that Harry has a new wand and figure out that everything didn't go down like Harry said they did in the CoS? I suppose you'll answer that later just wondering if it's a plot hole. Great story so far though.
     
  16. Mr Strike

    Mr Strike Epic Awesomeness DLP Supporter

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    Got to agree there. Great start, can't wait for some more for us to sink our teeth into.
     
  17. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Lutris, as I said in my review, this fic is excellent. I can't wait to see where you go with this.

    Honestly, this fic, and a few others, are all that's keeping me interested in HP fanfiction, so please, please, please, don't disappoint.

    No pressure, huh? :p

    5/5...10/5 if I could.
     
  18. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    LMAO. Wow, I gave honest feed and got 2 negative reps. I'm flattered, honestly. Your dickriding makes me giggle.
     
  19. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Well then, lets take apart your criticism and see if it is constructive in any way.


    Unreadable in what way? It was OK gramatically and the spelling was fine, so I'll just have to take this to mean that it was what was being said that you disagreed with. That isn't bad charactisation: the characters were depicted quite close to canon, yet with a few subtle differences that points to future deviation from canon.

    This criticism is therefore not helpful as all it shows is that you have no understanding of how a plot must be built up and made to slowly deviate from canon (if it is a post-book AU such as this is) for the story to be believable and have correct pacing.


    Again, you fail to see that as this is the first chapter where the story first deviates from canon, things cannot simply change immediatly. Canonically, Tom Riddle and Voldemort are shown to rant quite a bit: The Chamber scene in canon and the rebirth scene are two such examples.

    As for reading Harry's thoughts: it makes sense that 16 year old Tom Riddle knew Occlumency as he was able to effectively able to lie to Dumbledore about the chamber. If he knows Occlumency, it is not a far leap to say he also knows Legilimency. If he knew legilimency, and taking into account his character, it is not unlikely that he would use this ability extensively and then brag about it to assert his dominance.


    Just because you don't like a character, doesn't mean that it is bad writing. In fact, if an author is able to stir up such emotions as hate in their readers, then they have done a very good job indeed.

    For example, some of JKR's best writing is with Umbridge: we hate her, but it takes some skill for this to be achieved. Another example would be in the fic Stranger in an Unholy Land. The author of this fc makes us feel very frustrated, and this is an example of good writing.

    So again, you show your immaturity and impatience in your review, not leaving anything helpful for the author.

    Taking into account that reviews are supposed to offer constructive criticism to the author, all in all I would say you lose as a reviewer.

    And no, I wasn't one of the people who neg rep'd you, but you can be sure that this will be remedied post-haste.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2006
  20. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    Thanks for breaking down my review, next time i'll just suck the authors dick and give him undue praise instead of being constructive about my opinions. I suppose that would make a lot of ya'll very happy.