1. Hey Guest, welcome back to DLP

    As you can see, we've changed our look. We've migrated from vBulletin to the Xenforo forum system. There may be issues or missing functionality, if you find anything or have feedback, please check out the new Xenforo Migration Feedback forum.

    Our dark ("Dark Lord Potter") theme is under heavy development. We also have a light ("Light Lord Potter") theme for those happier with a light background and darker text.

    Dismiss Notice

Oneshot In Spite by enembee - M

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by enembee, May 12, 2010.

  1. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    145
    Location:
    Murias
    High Score:
    2,451
    Title: In Spite
    Author: enembee
    Rating: M
    Genre: Dark
    DLP Category: Dark Arts? Alternates? I dunno
    Pairing: Hints of HP/FD
    Published May 12, 2010
    Words: 7,248
    Status: OneShot
    Summary: A young Harry, pushed beyond breaking point, discovers the pleasure in revenge and sets in motion a chain of events that forces him to make a choice between spite and redemption.
    Link: PCharm.net

    I'ma stick this up on PC asap.



    Checked by Minion, Nov. 25, 2012
    No longer available on ff.net but still on PatronusCharm
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 25, 2012
  2. Ash

    Ash Moves Like Jagger DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2010
    Messages:
    1,747
    Location:
    Atlanta
    I gave my thoughts in WbA, so I'll just say it was an astonishingly complete world for how short this piece is.

    4/5 only because not all of my questions were answered.
     
  3. Innomine

    Innomine Auror Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    635
    Location:
    New Zealand
    High Score:
    4,500
    I found it... readable, but nothing special. I'm thinking about 3.5/5 and rounding down. It was interesting, but just not that great. There was no sense of connection, the characters just weren't developed enough, even for a one shot.

    You could of probably removed all of the stuff from when he was in school, and just given 2001!Harry more depth.
     
  4. mike.90

    mike.90 First Year

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2009
    Messages:
    44
    Well said and I really didn't like this story, your worst work OP.

    2/5 Because I am generous, or else 1/5.
     
  5. Lion

    Lion Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2009
    Messages:
    874
    Location:
    That place
    I liked the story. One of the best one-shots I've read in a long time. One of the better Harry Potter ones as well. 5/5
     
  6. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    145
    Location:
    Murias
    High Score:
    2,451
    It's interesting how conflicted opinion seems to be regarding my oneshots :p

    I personally have to agree with Ellisande and Avion, it's probably the worst of everything I've written. That said, this was more of an experimental piece for me, written in a strange combination of tense and perspective and working with only two speaking characters. I also feel I over-reached with the scope of the story for a oneshot.

    But you live and learn, eh?
     
  7. silverlasso

    silverlasso Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    1,300
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Copypasta'd from WbA:
    I thought the hint of a larger, interesting world was almost more enticing than a more fleshed out one-shot might have been (similar to lingerie vs naked). To each his own, I guess.
     
  8. Swimdraconian

    Swimdraconian Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 10, 2006
    Messages:
    1,417
    Location:
    Florida
    I like this story. It has just enough detail for me to flesh out the rest with my mind, no extra help needed.

    As I said before, the scene where he kills Voldemort was chillingly awesome.

    Edit: 4/5
     
  9. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2009
    Messages:
    1,001
    Location:
    UK
    High Score:
    2,296
    Frustrating. Each individual scene is good, and I do like your Dumbledore here. But it doesn't feel like a oneshot; more a selection of scenes from a longer work. There are so many unanswered questions - which is good, but as I said, frustrating. If there was any hope of them being answered, that'd be fine, but as it stands it's annoying. There are also a few spelling mistakes, missing/extra words - for instance, there's a moment where Harry walks to "the Snape's body" - which are minor, but still noticeable.

    So yeah. Frustrating, and feels incomplete, but what's there is good. 3/5
     
  10. knothead

    knothead Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2007
    Messages:
    362
    Agreed.

    Disagree. I think if you removed the school stuff, then the story would be even less developed.

    I think there are two ways it could be improved:

    Option 1. There needs to be more from the past-- maybe one more section. It comes across to me as being a bit rushed.

    Your story is essentially: Present, Past, Past, Present, Past, Present.

    Maybe if you had another past interlude before the end it could work.

    Option 2. Start with the Past (I'm thinking 1991) and then alternate.

    Past, Present, Past, Present, Past, Present.

    I think an alternate start is 1994 if you started with this:

    I doubt it came as a shock to anyone that I entered the Triwizard Tournament. My general reputation around here is of someone who breaks rules for the sake of it, who is rude for the sake of it, who pushes boundaries, just to see how quickly I can get people around me to snap.

    However, it came as a huge shock to everyone when my name came out of that cup.

    Everyone except me.

    Of course, I'd brilliantly planned it.
     
  11. iLost

    iLost Minister of Magic

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2009
    Messages:
    1,257
    As said in WBA, 5/5. I'm concentrating more on the writing itself and not so much plot, since that was a back seat. The writing is solid, yours usually is, and so are the characters, save for that turnaround at the end I mention in WBA.
     
  12. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,019
    Location:
    The other side of reality
    Here's my problem (and 700th post) with regards to this story, enembee. It's not like I didn't like it - it was good, not gonna lie, and I personally enjoyed it a great deal. But it could have been better - a LOT better.

    Firstly, I found your story a little hard to follow. Keeping track of the sequence of events was tricky, because it felt like the story was missing pieces. That really hurt the immersion factor of your fic, in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, what you WROTE was clear, but there underlying connections between the fragments weren't brought together with any sort of cognizant shape or substance, and that disappointed me.

    Secondly (and this is more important) - I found your story to be poorly plotted. You had bits and pieces, hardly tied together with anything other than cursory references, and you tried to mangle a story out of it. I'm sorry, but while I am a fan of that style of writing, you didn't manage the transition well enough for it to be appreciated. Same problem I had with your scene changes in Skitterleap, as I've mentioned in reviews before in my ffn.net reviews.

    The biggest problem I have with this story is pacing. Admittedly, pacing's hard when you're writing in this style, but it is still quite possible. This story's pacing is clunky, and the fact that you keep leaving us hanging for tiny trails of information makes me exceedingly frustrated. You've hinted at this great universe, and Harry mentions pieces of it - now show it. It would add some necessary meat to a story that desperately needs it.

    As it is, I really liked the characterization you used, and your atmosphere... well, it was okay. Not great, but good enough to convey the right tone. But your plot was a mess, and if any story needed more backstory, it was this one (same comment I made with Skitterleap). In any case, this fic will get a 3/5 (barely) from me, and if anything, enembee, you should take a crack at rewriting this one. You've got great potential with this, and the Clockwork Orange vibes I was getting off this story leads me to think that you could really take this somewhere.
     
  13. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    943
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Loved it, and disagree with Silens entirely. The fact that the story kept us guessing was the point. Spoon feeding us back story to make the world completely intelligible would undermine the whole story.

    I had no problem following the main plotline while still having the guess at the background and peoples true intentions/motivations.

    Basically, Silens' issues with the story seem to sum up to this: "the story is a one shot, not a traditional linear fully described novel". If you accept that it's a one-shot - by definition a tantalising and fleeting glimpse into something great - the criticisms go away. You're criticising a movie trailer for not being the full movie.

    Anyway, I thought it was great, and possibly your greatest piece. There's an art achievable in one-shots that you don't get in novels, and it's definitely present here. For what it lacks in immersion it makes up for in style.
     
  14. oephyx

    oephyx Headmaster DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 17, 2008
    Messages:
    1,006
    Location:
    Not Europe
    Well, first I agree with Taure. This works as a one-shot, and the way the story always hints at so much more is the genius of it. If we had the impression the author told us everything in 5000 words, he probably didn't have that much to say. That said, I did wish for more at the end. Cloture is ably provided, but maybe you open the story up a bit too much.

    I haven't read much of your other work (haven't gotten around to reading Skitterleap), but style-wise this is great. It probably feels a bit uncomfortable for you if it really differs from what you usually do, but from where I'm standing it's very accomplished.

    I agree with knothead that starting with something along the line of "I doubt it came as a shock to anyone that I entered the Triwizard Tournament" would probably give the story a bit more kick.

    I found this lacked your usual subtlety (and Occlumency is misspelt):
    I am grateful Dumbledore cannot see the huge smile I'm wearing in my mind. My hastily learned Occulemency has served me well as I had known it would. That combined with some suitably convincing acting had made this even easier than Riddle had promised.
    And this isn't very good stylistically, imo:
    Because opposing "cracked" to "merely an empty frame" gives an awkward lack of symmetry.


    Generally I thought you did 1994-1995 wonderfully, e.g.
    I hear footsteps approaching and I don't even have to open my eyes to know who it is. There are only two people who willingly approach me these days and one has just left my company in tears.

    "Hello Dumbledore," I say happily.

    I know my friendliness will irritate him and I smile broadly as he pauses a half second longer than usual.

    "Harry," he replies.

    His tone is not at all friendly.
    <3 5/5
     
  15. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,019
    Location:
    The other side of reality
    You're absolutely right that I'm criticizing this as if it was a longer work - primarily because the way it was written implies that it should be part of a longer work. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with bits and pieces of story framed together (hell, I wrote a fic like that with Countdown) with the back story only implied or guessed at.

    But in a case like that, those framework stories work when they are tied around a central, quasi-concrete thematic element, and that wasn't apparent here. What I saw instead were several cinematic elements that indeed painted a vivid picture, but did little else. I get the impression that this feels very much like a 'trailer' of a fanfic that we are supposed to anticipate, which, while it might be artistically well-done, it doesn't have those grounding ties that make it a 'story' or a 'oneshot', rather than a short series of viginettes or drabbles.

    I acknowledge Taure and I are judging this story by different standards, but the writing style in this fic lends itself to a longer work, that's all I'm saying. Those snippets feel like they were transplanted from a larger story which the writing style supports. As it is, it feels woefully incomplete to me, like a pile of great scenes left on the drawing board, but lacking the narrative or theme to tie them together.

    As I said, it's not that this is bad, by any stretch, but it could be a lot better.
     
  16. oephyx

    oephyx Headmaster DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 17, 2008
    Messages:
    1,006
    Location:
    Not Europe
    Felt pretty obvious to me that the central element was his relationship with Dumbledore. The problem I have with this is that it doesn't go back far enough, we never understand why he wants revenge.
    I disagree with this entirely though. The story feels like it takes the necessary care in hinting and showing enough, and the internal narration lends itself very well to that purpose. As they are now, the scenes probably wouldn't work as well as part of a full length fic.
     
  17. Mage

    Mage Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2006
    Messages:
    1,471
    Location:
    Washington, DC
    Very interesting one-shot. I loved it and hated it at the same time. The writing goes well, and I really like the characterization. It was remarkably well written and in depth for something so short. That being said it really felt like something was missing it. Maybe it was just the fact that we never really got to see all the negative conflict with Dumbledore that would make him want revenge so much. Anyway well worth the read. 4/5
     
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. enembee
    Replies:
    37
    Views:
    14,747