This one is easy. Just put in a joke. Just don't make it too long though.

the police once found a man dead inside his apartment with over 15 bumps on his head. Police say he tried to hang himself with a giant rubber band.

 

two birds are sitting on a rock
bird 1: can i push you of?
bird 2: no

 

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church
lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can
tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I
never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win".

 

18+ one
Q: How many newspapers can a woman fit in between her legs?

A: One Post, two Globes, and many, many Times.

 

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

 

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down
and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog
won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,
which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5
" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with
the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and
slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out
of its cage and charged the American Dachshund --- but when it got close
enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in
one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand
how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian
wolves."

"That's nothing" said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon
working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

 

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

 

There was once a family of five happily living in a happy neighborhood, all happy-like and shit.

Now, there was the Mommy, Daddy, and two teenaged children, Bobby, and Debra. Then, there was little five-year old Timmy, and he is our star hero.

'Twas Thanksgiving (US), and the happy family was having guests coming over to their house for a feast to be remembered.

Timmy had no idea what to do. So, he went to Debra's room, and before he could knock, heard: "Where's that bra, where's that bra..."

He opened the door, and asked, " Hey Debra, what's a bra?"

She gasps, clasps her hands over her chest, and says, "It's... it's a fancy word for coat. Why don't you go to Bobby's room?"

And so he went to Bobby's room, where he heard at the door: "Where's that condom, where's that condom..."

He opened the door, and asked, "Hey Bobby, what's a condom?"

Bobby gasps, and covers his nether region, and says, "It's... it's a fancy word for hat. Why don't you find Dad? He's in the bathroom."

And so Timmy went to the bathroom, where he knocked on the door this time. His Daddy yelled, "HEY WHAT THE HELL! I'M TAKING A SHIT IN HERE!"

He opened the door, and asked, "Daddy, what's taking a shit?"

His Daddy gasps, and says, "Umm... It's a fancy word for to shave. Why don't you find your mother?"

And so Timmy went to his Mommy, who's in the kitchen, cutting the turkey open. He went up to her, and asked, "Hey Mommy, what do I do?"

She gasps, and drops the knife, where she cuts her finger pretty deep. She yells, "FUCK!"

Then Timmy asks, "What's fuck, Mommy?"

She gasps again, and says, "It's a fancy word for to cut. Now here's what you do..."

---

Later, Timmy knows what he's supposed to do, and goes up to the door to welcome the guests. A knock sounds, and he opens the door, and says, " Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Please pass me your bras and condoms so you can go to the dining room."

A middle aged man says, "Kid, where's your dad?"

He replies, "Daddy's in the bathroom taking a shit."

The man then says, "All right, where's your mom?"

Timmy grins, and says, "Mommy's in the kitchen fucking up the turkey!"


Fin.

 

Its white and you can't see it wath is it:
a bottle of milk arround the corner

 

Normally I'm against slash but this was way too funny to ignore.

Robin Hood Parody

Have you heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did the poor people good?
But there is more to this famous story
Of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory.

At night when all the robbing was done
His merry men would have some fun.
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay.

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind,
And as they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his ass.

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous rider came their way.
she sauntered up to friar Tuck
And said, "I'm Marion, want a fuck?"

The friar couldn't believe his ears
she was offering sex to us old queers
While Tuck recovered from the shock,
Robin presented her with his cock.

The three old men all had a bach
And Marion's clothes went in a flash.
For Marion mumbled, "This is sheer bliss"
As they filled her every orifice.

When all was done, she gave a whine,
"Thank you boys, for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the Clap, so have a nice day"

"Now listen here" Said Friar Tuck
"We couldn't really give a fuck"
And laughing loud he says, "You silly cow.
We've all got AIDS. So who's fucked now?"

 

The differences between the Clintons and the Bushes!

Warning--political humor ahead!

The differences between the Clintons and the Bushes!

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.

"Watch and learn, we're both educated and experienced lawyers" answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to plan a similiar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" say Hilary.

"Live and learn", answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W leaves exits his toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please".

And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost the election?

 

MEMORANDUM

To: All Staff
From: Director
Subject: Special High Intensit Training Programme

In order to ensure the highest quality technical skills, we are undertaking a new employee trainig programme. It is our intention to keep all exployess adequately trained through our programme of "Special High Intensity Training", which will be referred to as SHIT from this point on. We are proud of the fact that our company is giving employees more SHIT than any other company in the country.

If you feel that you are not receiving your share of SHIT on the job, please report to your SHIT supervisor. You can then be placed on the top of the SHIT list for special attention. SHIT supervisors are highly trained and qualified to provide you with all the SHIT you can handle on the job.

If you consider yourself adequately trained at present, you may be interested in helping train others, your name can then be added to out "Basic Understanding Lecture List - Special High Intensity Training(BULL-SHIT).

This programme also need a volunteer to serve as the "Special High Intensity Training - Head of Encouragement And Development" If you would like to be the department SHIT-HEAD, simply notify your SHIT supervisor, you may already be qualified.

If you have further questions, please direct then to the "Head of Training" (HOT SHIT) programme.

Lastly, you may be sure that your supervisor will treat you as if you are Frank, Understanding, Loyal, Listening and Open for the Special High Intensity Training (FULL OF SHIT).

You will be hearing more about SHIT in the future.

Thank you,

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training
Supervisor (BIG SHIT)

P.S. With the abilities and the personalities that some employess display, they could easily be selected to be the Director of Intensity Programme - Special High Intensity Training (DIPSHIT).

 

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

 

Rearrange the letter of the word: MOTHER-IN-LAW and what do you get?

WOMAN HITLER

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time,a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

There is a topless restaurant in town with ONLY female staff members. All of them are bald.

 

Speaking of Mother-in-laws...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

A rumor went around town once about a man having ESP. People all over came to him to test this rumor. Everyone was sorely disappointed when they learned from the man's ex-girlfriend, who had spread the news about ESP, that ESP meant, Extra Small Penis.

 

Italian Bread -

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf , it'll be hard ?"

He replied, "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"