What part of a man's anatomy becomes 12 times its normal size in times of excitement?

His pupils.

Seriously, check it out.

 

Baptizing A Bear

Okay one last joke for awhile..I don't want to feel the pain too deeply whe the mods start trimming these threads down and my post count plumments...

--bornagainpenguin

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods
to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out
next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went
out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and
we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows
don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

 

Milkbottles

Two milkbottles were cooling in a large box filled with chilly air - and is that chicken?

:?: So, what did the one milkbottle say to the other? :?:




Damn, your sour today!

 

.

I'll let this one live for awhile, but regardless post counts in a game section shouldn't matter it's the quality of the posts you do that matter! *yells this to those folks who have joined under a month ago, yet have hundreds of posts* Besides, we only nuke the useless spam style ones, like this or that, or word assoc. Ones with worthy content are left alone.
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Two Irishmen are sitting at a pub having a beer when they see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel across the street.

One of them says, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Moments later they see a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Finally they see a Catholic priest enter the house of ill repute, and the first Irishman grimaces and says, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”

 

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

 

Oh I know, but seriously haven't you tended to see someone with a higher post count as a 'senior' member when you're new somewhere? Sure after a person has been around a while they'll be able to tell the spammers from the real thing but its still nice sometimes to be able to point to your post count count or sign up date and tell some noob giving you a hard time where to get off. Not so nice when you're the noob...

--bornagainpenguin (who will post one more then its off to eat!)
===================================

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says. That night a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with His buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's privates.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

Later in the night, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

"Hey boy, I don't know where we were or what we did, but nevertheless, we took first and second place!"

 

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

 

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

“You’re not from around here, are you, bud?” says the bartender.

“No,” replies the guy. “I’m actually from Boston.”

“Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?” asks the bartender.

“I’m a taxidermist.”

“What the heck’s a taxidermist?”

“I mount dead animals.”

“It’s OK, boys,” announces the bartender. “He’s one of us!”

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to the Foxy Lady. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, “Take it off!”

The man in front turns around and says, “Can you please quiet down, I’m trying to enjoy the show.”

The man in the back says, “I’m sorry, it’s just my enthusiasm.”

The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, “Take it off!!!”

The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.

Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.

The guy in front turn’s around and says, “Where’s your enthusiasm now, pal?”

The guy in back just smiles and says, “All over your back, pal.”

 

You can avoid criticism by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing

 

WORK RULES

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. we will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. Leave of absence for an operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, other than your own: This is no excuse. If you can arange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all of your work is up to date.

4. Death, your own: This will be an acceptable excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice as we feel that it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Personal hygiene: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those surnames beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9-9:05 and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.

6. Quantity of work: No matter how much work you do, you'll never do enough.

7. Quality of work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. Advice from owner: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE NUMBER 9.

 

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"

 

West Texas Chili...

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a huge bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight, not even stoppin long enuf to chew.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately upchucks the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

 

The Golfer and the Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 

When a passenger boat began to sink four people boarded a smaller boat and lowered it into the water.

Just then they realized that the boat only has enough rations for one person. They each looked at each other and were about to speak when one of them, a middle aged man, stood up and addressed the others. He said, "Whoever lives, please give my best to my family" and before anyone could react, he jumped off the boat.

Seconds later, a middle aged woman stood up as well. "Just as that man said, please give my best to my family as well" She then jumped off the little boat.

Only an elderly man and a young man were elft on the boat. Both of them stood up at the same time. The elderly man was faster and raised his hand in front of him. "I am old and I don't have much time to live" Walking over to the young man. And with a powerful shove, the young man fell off the boat. "But I promised my wife I would return safely so I bid you farewell"

 

Continuing the thread, or Bubba vs the damn yankee....

Well since no one else seems to want to keep this thread going, I'll post another one! How's this for post-whoring, Die-Ginny-Die?

--bornagainpenguin

Bubba applied for an engineering position at IBM in Raleigh. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and at the completion of a skills test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being North Carolina, and me being a Southern boy I should get
the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down 'I don't know.' You put down, Neither do I.' "

 

The executive vice-president of a large corporation, young, single and good-looking, was trying hard to score with his new lovely young secretary for the past several weeks but in vain. Finally, as his birthday was fast approaching, he made a desperaet pitch. He asked ehr to celebrate his birthday with him at some secluded place. She said she would think about it.

the following day, she consented, but only if the celebration would be at her apartment. He was terribly delighted. After all, her apartment would be an ideal rendezvous.

Thus, on the night of his birthday, at her appartment, they had cocktails, appetizers, dinner by candlelight and some drinks. They danced rather closely to soft music as well. After a while, she broke away from him to go to her bedroom to prepare herself for him, telling him to come into the room in ten minutes.

In no time at all, the young executive took off his clothes and was soon in his birthday suit. After exactly ten minutes, he knocked on the bedroom door, eager and excited. 'At last' He thought. His mind was already savoring the moment of his conquest.

A sweet voice from behind the door told him to enter. A twist of the knob and the door swung open. the room was in complete darkness. As he entered, completely naked, calling her name, the lights suddenly opened. The entire office began to sing: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"

 

Oops!

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

Three friends, Tony, Mark and Josef, were bragging to each other about their endurance. but no matter what they said the other two would always claim to be better. Then one day, Tony met them carrying a tent and leading a goat with him. He told them his idea and the other two agreed.

Setting up the tent, they put the goat inside and waited for ten minutes. By then, the inside of the tent smelled like the goat and even from the outside was already unbearable.

Tony went inside first. He stayed inside for ten minutes before he came rushing out of the tent, holding his nose. Mark went next. He stayed inside for fifteen minutes before he too came rushing out, pinching his nose shut. Josef finally went inside. He stayed inside for ten minutes. Then fifteen. Then twenty minutes. And finally thirty minutes had passed. Just as the two were about to go in and check whether he was still conscious, the goat came rushing out of the tent.