Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck.
She put them on the windowsill to see if they would . . .

 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."





A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes
later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him
lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat
down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately,
his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it
just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet;
caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead
on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the
minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the
women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress
was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

 

Three friends had just arrived at their hotel after a long trip. Looking at it from outside, they gazed upwards at seeing how tall the building was. walking inside and to the counter they called in their reservations. They soon learned that their room was at the top floor. The 60th floor of the hotel. "I'm sorry" Said the manager. "But the elevator is out of order so you will just have to use the stairs"

The three men nodded in understanding and on their way to the stairs they came to an agreement. For each twenty floors, one man would tell the other two stories to pass the time. One man was a comedian, the other was a fan or horror stories and the other was very sentimental, thus wanted to relate sad stories.

The comedian went first and for the first twenty floors they were laughing all the way. during the second set, the man kept telling them one horror story after another, sometimes yelling in surprise causing the other two to jump. Then finally, it was the third man's turn.

All his stories were so touching and yet sad that the other two were crying all the way up. Then finally, the reached the top floor. Stopping right outside their door the third man turned to them and said, "My friends, before we enter our room I will relate to you the saddest story as of yet" The other two men leaned in closer as their friend continued.

"I left the key downstairs"

 

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their thirty years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their thirtieth anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they went out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

:twisted:

--bornagainpenguin

 

Do you know how to keep an asshole in suspense?

I'll tell you some other time.

 

I'm a little disappointed in the distinct lack of inappropriate or tasteless jokes. So I'll share a few I can remember off the top of my head.

Q: What should you give a deaf, dumb, and blind kid for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Walken. (even with Superman dead, this still makes me laugh)

Q: What's thirteen inches long, purple, and makes grown women cry?
A: Crib death.

And possibly my favorite joke:

Q: What's better than winning the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.

 

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

 

*coughs*I'mHardOfHearing*coughs*
:twisted:
I think Goddess of Ran has a joke you'll like...

--bornagainpenguin (who actually tries to forget the offensive jokes he has heard over the years and isn't really offended... :twisted: he just likes messing with your mind.)

 

CHINESE PHILISOPHER INTERVIEW

Reporter: Ladies and Gentlemen, in honor of tonight's affiar and since it is the Year of the Monkey, we have invited a philisopher who is the direct descendant of Confucius. The resemblance is uncanny because our guest always looks like he is confused. He is a man of many talents. He studied Philisophy at the Kuang Chi University at Ongpin, took his masters in politics at the London School of Economics in Taipei. He is a man blessed with uncanny talent in promotions. He is here tonight to impart some of his great knowledge to us. So without further ago, please give a warm welcome to our guest.

(ENTER MAN)

Reporter: Good evening, Muhammed Wat Chua
Man: Good evening.
Reporter: Muhammed Wat Chua, are you Chinese?
Man: No, I'm a half-breed.
Reporter: What do you mean?
Man: I breed only through one nostril. Actually I'm half chinese and half Filipino. My full name is Muhammed Mon Puet Mo Chua. Mong Puet Mo is the family name of my mother. Her first name is Paquita.
Reporter: Paquita Mong Puet Mo?*
Man: Later, there are so many people here.
Reporter: Sir, people have been saying you are two-faced. Is that true?
Man: That's a lie! If I have two faces do you think I will use this one?
Reporter: I heard you also have a Ph.D.
Man: Yes, not only Ph.D., I also have an M.A., LLB, BS, BSBA and an A.B. The only thing I don't have is a JOB.
Reporter: Have you ever been married, Sir?
Man: Thrice. but all my wives died. Two of them died of poisoned mushrooms and the other died of strangulation.
Reporter: How come?
Man: She did not want to eat the poisoned mushrooms.
Reporter: What is your means of livelihood?
Man: I am a marriage counselor.
Reporter: Do you have any degrees to back up your profession?
Man: Yes. In fact, I have three. My first degree was given to me by Harvard. The second was given to my be Yale and recently I was given a third degree by the police.
Reporter: I see. I heard youa re also an advocate on sex education.
Man: That's true.
Reporter: Do you mind if I ask you a few more questions?
Man: Go ahead.
Reporter: What is your stand on bisexuals?
Man: There is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, I am bisexual.
Reporter: Really?
Man: Yes. Every time I see sex, I buy it.
Reporter: do you think sex education is good for the students?
Man: Yes. Especially if there is homework.
Reporter: You are also known as an expert on detecting people who are in love.
Man: Yes, very easy to detect.
Reporter: How do you know if a man is in love?
Man: by the bulge in his pants.
Reporter: I see. What about a woman?
Man: A woman is really in love because of her tears.
Reporter: Tears?
Man: The tears running down her legs.
Reporter: They say it is very lucky if a woman gave birth in the Year of the Monkey. How true is that?
Man: That's very true. It is also true if a woman gave birth during any ot the other years.
Reporter: Why is that?
Man: Because it is very hard for a man to give birth.
Reporter: You seem to be very well-versed with the Chinese Customs. Are there any particular Chinese customs you think we should know?
Man: Yes, for instance. (Holds up pinky) Why don't the Chinese use this finger?
Reporter: You got me there. Why?
Man: Because this finger is mine.
Reporter: I heard you are also a world traveler.
Man: Yes, I have been everywhere.
Reporter: Have you been to India?
Man: Of course, several times.
Reporter: Have you seen teh Taj Mahal?
Man: Seen the Taj Mahal? HA! I know him personally.
Reporter: Have you been to Greece?
Man: Of course.
Reporter: What part of Greece?
Man: Greece Park
Reporter: I hear you are also a linguist.
Man: Yes, I speak all languages except Greek.
Reporter: Do you mind if I test you?
Man: Not at all. Go ahead.
Reporter: Parlez vous Francais?
Man: That's Greek to me.
Reporter: Do you have any parting words for our guests?
Man: Yes, to our wives and sweethearts, may they never meet.
Reporter: Thank you Mr. Chua.

*Pronounced: Pakita mong pwet mo.
Translation: Show your butt.

 

Did you know that the law allows a man to have 16 wives?

Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer.

 

I met a girl who has everything a man desires - muscles and a large penis. :lol:

 

Little Johnny at it again.....


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

* * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny, "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

* * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

* * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

--bornagainpenguin

 

LOL!!! That last one is funny!

 

Thanks DIE GINNY DIE for the link to thje insult generator! The same page had tons and tons of jokes....

A sick joke














You have been warned....





On your own head be it!








A little boy is walking down the street and finds a Welder's mask. He puts it on and is flipping the face plate up and down when a limo pulls up next to him. Inside is a perverted old man who says, "Excuse me little boy, do you know what Sodomy is?"

The little boy ignores him and keeps walking, flipping the Welders mask up and down.

The old man persists, "Excuse me little boy, have you ever performed oral sex on an old man?"

Finally, the little boy looks at the old man and says, "Look mister, I'm gonna level with you. I'm not really a Welder. I found this mask!"

 

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

 

Here are a few shorties for you guys straight from the Philippines.



The downfall of three great men in history were caused by the letter "W" Napoleon's downfall was at Waterloo, former U.S. President Nixon'sdownfall was Watergate. Ferdinand Marcos's downfall was Wife.

Sex is the formula by which 1 plus 1 makes 3.

They now have a stock market doll. Wind it up and it drops to the bottom.

A boy was just telling me that his daddy hasn't been home ever since his mommy caught Santa Claus kissing the maid.

Many wives' favorite book is their husband's checkbook.

Politicians never make the same mistake twice. Everyday they find a new mistake to make.

Pornography per se is not a crime. Showing ugly bodies cavorting however is.

I wonder what Tremists are like before they became Extremists.

The favorite pastime of criminals is taking a nap - carnap, kidnap and shipnap to name a few.

At the cemetary a boy asked me what RIP means. That's easy. Everybody knows it means Return if Possible.

AIDS is very common nowadays. Almost everybody has AIDS - Acute Income Deficiency Syndrome.

A boy once asked me what STD was. It was such an easy question I could have laughed. We all know it means Sex Tapos Disease.

Translation: Sex and then Disease.

:lol: :lol:

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to recieve a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male

 

Three young boys were walking along the street, comparing their fathers. One said, "My daddy can memorize a song after listening to it 10 times"

"Is that it?" Asked the seconds boy. "My daddy can memorize a song after listening to it only 5 times"

"That's nothing" Bragged the third. "My daddy memorized a song after hearing it only once. And he was only five years old back then"

"Really? What song was that?"

"Happy Birthday"

 

George Bush, the Pope, a woman and a Schoolboy are all flying on a plane. Halfway through the flight an explosion is heard. Looking out the window the four people see one of the engines is on fire. Turning back to the room they see the pilot run back and grab a parachute before jumping out.

Now there are only three parachutes left and the four passengers start arguing about who gets to have one.

The woman says "Well i'm a woman, I should get one" and grabs a parachute and jumps out.

George Bush says "I'm the president of the United States, I should have one" before grabbing one and jumping out.

The Pope turns to the schoolboy and says "I Have lived a long life you should take the last parachute"

The boy replies dismissivly "Nah, don't worry George Bush took my schoolbag"