A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was
full of workers, and he wanted to let them knowthat he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall, and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week, sir. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash, and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO then looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that little jerk did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

Philippine Board of Advertisers
Model Interview

Interviewer: Good Evening. In honor of tonight's occassion, we have invited one of the top male models in the advertising world. His services are in demand mainly because his physical appearance has revolutionized the thinking of the advertising agencies in the world. He has been all over the world because of his uncanny ability to sell just by using his face. He's here tonight to give some interesting insights on advertising. Please help me welcome our guest.

(Enter Guest)

Int: Good evening sir. We're very proud to have you with us here tonight.
Guest: I know that.
Int: May we have your name sir?
Guest: Why? Are you unhappy with your own?
Int: No, I meant what is your name?
Guest: I'm sorry. Actually I have two names depending on the products.
Int: Why do you have two names?
Guest: Well, if the product projects Christianity, I use my Christian name. And if the product deals with is Muslims, I use my Muslim name.
Int: What is your Christian name?
Guest: Christian Esperitu.
Int: And what is your Muslim name?
Guest: Mohammed De Niro.
Int: Mohammed De Niro?
Guest: Actually, I'm Italiano. My mother is Ita and my father is Ilocano, this Italiano.
Int: How should we call you?
Guest: You can call me anytime through my phone.
Int: No, what name should we call you.
Guest: Oh, just call me Nick.
Int: Nick?
Guest: Yes, that's my nickname.
Int: I see. I hope you don't mind. May we ask you a few questions about advertising?
Guest: Go ahead.
Int: There must be something special about you to be chosen as a model.
Guest: I was chosen for my unique quality.
Int: What quality is that?
Guest: I'm the only abortion that lived.
Int: I see. You are a top model even in the United States. Have you ever refused a big contract?
Guest: Yes, once when Cosmopolitan Magazineasmed to pose like Burt Reynolds for the centerfold and I refused even with the $1,000,000 fee.
Int: Why did you refuse?
Guest: Because my hands are too small to cover myself.
Int: You mentioned that you use your Christian name when you endorse a Christian product. what Christian product have you posed for?
Guest: The Saint Peter condom.
Int: You posed for an as using a condom?
Guest: No, I was the condom.
Int: What product did you pose for using your Muslim name?
Guest: The Rizal Alli Survival Kit. It is now being used by all the people living in Davao. It's all sold out.
Int: What other products have you made popular?
Guest: I popularized the product called exona, a very special deodorant for the armpits.
Int: What's so special about it?
Guest: It won't let you down as long as your ampit is down. But when it's up, that is a different story.
Int: I heard you also endorsed a product called Sugar Foot.
Guest: Yes, A long time ago but people got mad at me for that.
Int: Why, what happened?
Guest: whenever I do my thing they say, "I don't care if they call you Sugar Foot, get your foot out of my cofee!"
Int: I understand you have travelled around the world because of the high demand for your services. Have you been to India?
Guest: Of course I've been to India.
Int: What commercial product did you endorse there?
Guest: Embrellas.
Int: Have you been to Russia?
Guest: Yes, I promoted the sanitary product.
Int: What product is that?
Guest: It's called the Stallion Sanitary Napkin. It was a big flop in Russia.
Int: Why did it flop?
Guest: Because of the slogan: "It takes the red out"
Int: What was the last place you visited before coming here?
Guest: L.A.
Int: L.A.?
Guest: Yes. Legaspi, Albay.
Int: Who among the Filipino commercial models is at par with you?
Guest: Fernando Poe Jr. I hate to admit it but I think he is the best. Better than I am.
Int: Why do you say that?
Guest: Because he did his first commercial without doing anything except ride on a horse and gotpaid several millions.
Int: I heard you are doing a commercial with him. Is it true?
Guest: Yes. It is also a beer commercial. I will be the horse.
Int: What other commercials are you presently doing?
Guest: Well, I have been tapped to do the Carlsberg commercial in Denmark. This will be a real test. It will be different.
Int: How will it be different?
Guest: I will do it in Tagalog.
Int: What in your opinion is the basic requirement in order to be a top advertising model like you?
Guest: Actually, there are only wto requirements. You have to be very intelliegnt and very, very handsome.
Int: (Looks at the guest) I'm very surprised. You don't look like it.
Guest: I'm surprised too. You see, I'm not intelligent.

 

BAPTIZING A DRUNK

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

Anger Management!

Anger Management! :twisted:



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
daggone number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked
down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an
idiot!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word "idiot'" next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an "idiot!" It always cheered
me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "idiot"
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from
the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
"idiot!"

:twisted:

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (by
this time I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call
the BMW idiot, too. I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Williamsburg. It's a yellow
house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said;

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an "idiot!" Then I hung up, and added his number to
my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to call.


:twisted:


Then I came up with an idea. I called Idiot #1.

"Hello."

"You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," ! I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Williamsburg, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared," and hung up.

Then I called Idiot #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, Idiot," I said.

He yelled, " If I ever find out who you are...! "

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, Idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd in Williamsburg and that I was on my way home
to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
going down in Mowbray Blvd.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got
there just in time to watch two idiots beating the devil out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

 

ROFL! :lol:
that was brilliant! reminded me of a series of short (and not-so-short) stories about the Bastard Operator From Hell. Let's see, that will have to go into the Links section...

 

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an asssignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Tina. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Tina when she's drinking.

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in his dinner when he wasn't looking! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that`s okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

One day, a Polish man entered a New York City Police
Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure
are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He
handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and
started to laugh out loud. The Polish immigrant became indignant and said,

"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle? It says, 'Polish
Remover'?"

 

This woman was getting sick of her love life. Her husband was a nice guy, but he would come home late, being tired as hell, and would just go to sleep without ever banging her.

So she went to the gynecologist and asked him to help her out. He gave her a pill called Viagra, and said "Slip this into his drink or his food after grinding it up so he won't notice."

She did exacly as he told her, and she crushed the pill into powder and poured it into his wine that night.

Within ten minutes, he leapt off his seat and carted her into the bedroom, where they enjoyed passionate sex for hours.

Now, the wife was really intrigued and happy. The next day, she bought some more Viagra, and this time she crushed three pills into the wine.

That night, she had even better sex than the night before, and she orgasmed countless times.

She thought things could only get better, so the next day she crushed an entire bottle of Viagra into the pasta sauce and fed it to her husband.

The next day, the doctor called, trying to talk to the mother.

The son picked up the phone, and the doctor said "Hey. I'm just calling to talk to your mum, but why don't you tell me how your family life is? Is your mother looking happier these days?"

The boy said in a confused tone "Well...yeah. She was looking real happy until last night, and when i wke up this morning, she was dead, my sister is pregnant, and my ass hurts like all hell. THe wierdest thing is that my dad's wandering around the house whistling 'Here, kitty!'"

 

More than one way to...

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What! at kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles! , turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderl y woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was bang! ing his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

 

Drunks can see more than you think...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since
she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly as a mud fence.."

 

Re: Drunks can see more than you think...

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest:

"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!"

"Thank you Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas for youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that."

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' can't stay on the church roof."

--bornagainpenguin

 

Blond joke:

What's the difference between a blond and a computer? A blond doesn't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

 

(People from the South will understand this!

There was this fellow from Eastern Kentuckywho had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it, neither."


--bornagainpenguin (who adds 'Yes, it is okay to groan at the awful pun!' Heh...)

 

One day an elderly couple went to the doctor because the husband was sick.

The doctor told the old man, " I need a sperm sample, a urine sample, and a stool(sp?) sample."

The old man was hard of hearing and asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied, "Just give him your underwear, dear."

 

Redneck

Redneck jokes

If you'er going down the highway and your front weal passes you, you might be a redneck


If you have an extra tire and set of lugnuts in the back of your truck just in case your tire falls off you might be a redneck.


If both things happen to you in less than 24hours you might be a redneck.





Happen to my brother he is good so i can laugh

 

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?

A: Kick his sister on the chin.

 

*flinches*

You might be a redneck if in order to take a bath, you have to move your car's radiator.

 

Johnny Needs A Bike

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

here's another lil johnny joke

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.