if your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed you might be a redneck

if your working topless outside and your husbands next to you you might be a redneck

if your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare you might be a redneck

and finnaly if you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines" you might be a redneck

 

two guys are going around doing a survey for thier toy company asking kids what their favorit toy is in the bath tub.

So they go to the first home and ask and and a little boy comes out and tells them bubbles.
They go to the next home and the same thing happens.

Finally they come to the last home and a little girl comes out and the say "what is your favorit toy in the bath tub, bubbles right." She says no I am bubbles.

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to recieve a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male

--bornagainpenguin

 

how many rednecks does it take to screw in a light?

121 1 to hold the light 120 to turn the house

 

This is soooooo true!

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


--bornagainpenguin

 

what's the difference between a jewler and a jailer?

wait

wait

one cells watches the other watches cells

 

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's privates and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's privates.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband comes home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's jewels.

Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly.

The Husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place".

--bornagainpenguin

 

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

--bornagainpenguin (trying not to laugh too hard)

 

There were these two dwarfs who had a bit of spare money so they decided to go to the local whore house.

On arrival they both picked two women and went to the respective rooms.

The first dwarf was quiet upset for no matter how he tried he couldn't get it up and, the situation was exacerbated by the noises coming from next door.

"come on, here I come again, get ready here I come 1, 2 3. Oh yes and again 1, 2 and 3. Lets have another go"

This went on all night leaving the first dwarf quite upset.

In the morning the dwarfs met back up. The first dwarf said to his oppo, "how do you do it I couldn't even get it up and you were at it all night"

The second dwarf said to his mate "getting it up was the least of my problems, I couldn't even get on to the BED!!!!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile."Hello," she said, as she waited for her change."Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my
children," She said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sh@gged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English
teacher."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

1). "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.

2). I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you I won't be home for dinner.

3). I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing when I want with my buddies and don't you ever complain about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's all just fine with me. But please understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night........ whether you're here or not."



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

“Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.



Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.



After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.



One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.



He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'



His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."



Sorry if my post was too long but i'm tired and need sleep, if it's too long i can trim it in the morning.

 

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion...

Bull One: "Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our ahem.. differences, we agreed on which hundred of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Bull Two: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the fifty fillies we've already..[cough] agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Bull Three: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have ten cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with Only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

Bull One: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Bull Two: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.

Bull One: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Bull Three: "Shit brother, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a goddamn bull!!"


---bornagainpenguin (grining as he types this)

 

Got some more email this morning and this one showed... Enjoy!


A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy... "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, ''You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the U. S. Government," says the cowboy

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"Simple," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question that I never asked; and you don't know anything about cows.

"Now give me back my dog."

--bornagainpenguin (enjoying the joke even though he's not too fond of certain Texas Cowboys at the moment...)

 

I should really finish all my email before posting jokes...I really should. Anyway, when I saw this one I went Heh...hope you guys like it!


Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while, the 1st guy says to the 2nd...

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', & she got pregnant & she had a baby........would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

--bornagainpenguin

 

three cowboys are sitting round a fire discussing which one is the best of the all. The first stands up and declares he is the best. "last week the was a raging bull on this farm, so i jumped into the pen and wrestled it to the ground with my bare hands" and sits down again.

The next starts angrily that he is the best "thats nothing, i was walking along in the desert when a massive 10ft rattle snake came at, it rapped itself around me but i managed to get the upper hand and bit its head off"

The third cowboy sits quietly, stiring the fire with his penis.

 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a gas station.


We Is Friends!

Me And You Is Friends ...

You Smile, I Smile ....

You Hurt, I Hurt ..

You Cry, I Cry ...

You Jump Off A Bridge ..


I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails !


We all get heavier as we get older because, there's alot more information in our heads.

So i'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me!


Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.


Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.


Experience is a wonderful thing.

It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asked.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."


The husband asked…"What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"


"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

 

I was kinda sad when I realized that I must be the only musical instrument player on the site or no one else has posted any instrument jokes so here are a few. (If you don't know music you probably wont understand)

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"


How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.


In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"


These two tuba players walk past a bar...

Well, it could happen!


A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."


What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.


Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?


A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.

 

Conductors

And of course any musical jokes wouldn't be complete without our favorites.......

"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"

"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"


A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.

"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"

"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."

"And the other?" said the customer.

"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."

"Holy moly! What does that one do?"

"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."


It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"


Probably my favorite:
Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.



Now we hope no one gets made a me

 

FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
==========================
Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats
===========================


30 harsh things to say to a naked man!

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

 

President Bush was asked about his position on Roe versus Wade and he replied, "I don't care how people get out of New Orleans".

----------------------------------

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St.Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

----------------------------------------

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

---------------------------------------

A guy goes to hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by Satan. Satan informs him of his situation and explains that he will have two choices for his punishment. First, Satan takes him to the boiler room. In there, the man sees people working shoveling coal into the boilers. They're all hot and completely miserable. Satan asks the man if this is where he would like to be; he replys with a resounding "No".

Satan then takes him to his second choice. They arrive at a room full of people standing in shit. The smell is horrible, but everyone seems to be relatively happy. The man decides that this will be his eternal punishment. Satan says OK, get in the room. The man enters the room.

Then, Satan says, OK, breaks over, everybody back to standing on their heads.
--------------------------------------
Fella is having problems with premature ejaculation, so he goes to see his doctor. Doc says, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, do something to startle yourself. That will distract you enough that the urge will pass."

The guy buys a starter's pistol and some blanks, then heads for home. By chance he finds his wife nude, in bed waiting for him. They get down to business and are in the "69" position when he suddenly gets the urge. He picks up the pistol and fires a shot. The next day he goes back to see the doctor, who asks, "How did it go?"

The guy says, "Not very well. When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands raised."
------------------------------------