Heres a joke for you:


Two women were standing in the rain smoking camel cigarettes. (camel is a type of brand)
One women kept getting her cigarette fire thing put out by the rain while the other happily smoked. She asked her: \"How come your spark doesnt go away?\"

She said: \" I put a condom around it to keep it from extinguishing.\"

The woman thought it was a good idea so she decided to try it. She went to the store and asked the cashier: \" I wanna buy some condoms please.\"
The cashier replied: \"What size?\"

The woman thought about it and said: \"Big enough to fit a camel.\"

 

Ok, this is a disclaimer, the joke isn't mine, told to me by a buddy at school. I thought it was pretty funny, not the best joke in the world but still pretty cool.

A man was in a bar, and he walked up to the bartender and said, "i bet you thirty pounds that i could put a pint glass on the floor, stand three feet away and piss into it enough to fill it up."

The bartender looked at the man as though he was crazy but gave him a pint glass anyway, saying "you're on."

The first man smiled at him, took the glass and set it in the middle of teh floor. He unzipped his pants and began to piss all over the bar; on the walls, on the floors and all over the tables. The glass was no where near filled by the end of it.

The bartender laughed at him and told the man to pay up. The man handed him the thirty pounds cash but was still grinning at the bartender. The bartender frowned at him, "why are you so happy? you just lost thirty pounds!"

The man laughed and said "sure i did, but see those men over there?" He pointed to a group of five men sitting at a table. "I bet them fifty pounds each that i could convince you to let me piss all over this bar!"

 

Tarantino tells this one much better in Desperado.

 

O, i've never seen that movie...

...any good?

 

You kidding? It's Tarantino AND Robert Rodriguez (the guy who did Sin City). How can it possibly be bad?

 

Good point, might look that up some time...

 

person 1: "If i washed my dick would you suck it?"

person 2: "no"

person 1: "ahh so your a dirty cock sucker."

 

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
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Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream.

"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."
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A man was in the restroom when an Irish man came in and stood next to him at the urinal.

The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in.

Finally couldn't stand it. "I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've ever seen!"

"Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?"

"Sure!" said the first guy. "1st Id like an enormous mansion"

"Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow"

"2nd I'd like a beautiful girlfriend."

"Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning."

"3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!"

"OK, but I will have to butt-fuck you first."

Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants and bends over.

The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis the size of yours!"

And the guy answers, "I cant believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"
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A man was lying naked, face down on a table, with his wife rubbing his back with toilet paper.

"Augh, I hate it when you treat me like shit."
-------------------------------------------

 

Ok, i take no credit (or BLAME) for the jokes that follow. I copied them all from www.jokesgallery.com/. Just thought i'd share them...

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.

As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them.

The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."

About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.

So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.

They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached.

Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"

The hitman replies, "Sure."

So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.

The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.

He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?

The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"
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An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"


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Two guys are sitting at a bar talking and one guy asks the other guy, "Man, do you ever have a Freudian slip?"

"What are you talking about?" says the other guy.

"Well I was at the airport the other day and one of the clerks had really big tits, and I meant to say, 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but I accidentally said, 'Could I have have two tickets to Titsburgh."

The other guy says, "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife the other day and I meant to say, 'Could you pass the salt please,' but instead I said, 'Bitch you ruined my life!"

 

Can't believe nobody's done these ones...

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, hanging on a wall?
Art.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, swimming in a pool?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, laying on the floor?
Mat.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
Irene.

What do you call a man with twenty rabbits up his ass?
Warren.

What's black, red, bubbling, and banging on a window?
A baby in a microwave.

What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bricks?
You can't unload the bricks with a pitchfork.

What's worse than finding ten dead babies in a trash can?
Finding one dead baby in ten.

And the dirtiest two quickies...

What do you get when you find a dumpster full of dead babies?
A boner.

What's the difference between meat and fish?
When you beat your fish it dies.

 

OK. . . Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

 

A woman is cooking one day when her husband comes home early. Delighted that he's there she calls him and tells him she's in the kitchen. He comes in an immediately tastes the soup that she's making.
"Honey this is a little bland, give me some salt" and he promptly walks over and reaches across and grabs the salt.
This continues for a while with the man hovering around his wife, criticizing the food and telling her how to improve it when finally she has had enough and yells "STOP IT!! How can I work with you constantly nagging me with your advice?!"
"Well now you know what it feels like whenever we're driving somewhere"

 

Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face?


She tried to use a fork.

 

What is the strongest substance in the world?

Shit, even Superman bends over to take one

 

Heh...I'm glad to see this thread is still alive! I don't have to worry about necrophilia now when I add one or two new ones...

New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the
old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try
saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and
'I understand'."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with
one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to
the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a
little better than slapping your knee and saying
"No shit?.... what happened next?"

Campaigning

While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle
in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in
heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and
he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and
he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They
run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of
the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are
having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is
time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the
harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he
realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well,
I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has
been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator
open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with
waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning...... Today you voted."

--bornagainpoenguin