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WIP Legacy Undone by LD 1449 - T [Naruto]

Discussion in 'Naruto' started by Zombie, Apr 19, 2018.

  1. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Title: Legacy Undone
    Author: LD 1449
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure
    Status: In-Progress
    Library Category: Other Fandom
    Pairings: None Currently
    Summary: It was their last, desperate gambit. Their last hope. They pinned everything on a prayer that he could save them...and now...he's not even sure if he can make it count anymore.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9834391/1/Legacy-Undone

    So, imagine my surprise when I'm randomly click links for stories to read and I come across this. I did a quick search and the only place this came up in was in a rec thread, so I decided to post it for review.

    LD1449 doesn't really have a good track record with DLP if I recall correctly. But I will ready pretty much anything as long as its moderately well written and doesn't reek of garabage.

    This fic really surprised me. I will admit that initially when the whole setup happened that I was contemplating stopping reading it when the whole Time Travel happened, and the cost of said time travel. But I stuck it out, and kept reading. And I really liked it.

    Its an AU so characterization is different. There is a Fem!Itachi. Apparently a Good!Orochimaru (as good as he could be) he's not his canon counterpart. Dan is alive, and Tsunade is happy. Sarutobi doesn't do the whole "I want to let you grow up normal" bullshit that most people seem to imitate from the HP fandom.

    There are time skips, the story where I'm at currently is pre-shippuden with the formation of Team Seven, but there are many things going on that are super interesting.

    The Leaf/Iwa interactions are actually interesting. The other villages are more dimensional in the fact that he's actually having to flesh them out to make sure everyone can see how AU the world really is. And it works. I've liked his Kiri interactions, I've liked the whole Iwa and Dayimo dynamic going throughout.

    And Naruto is a ticking time bomb of PTSD and I'm going to murder your fucking family as a mix without being overly demented.

    Think the biggest upset I've had about this is the use of pet names, or shortened names as terms of endearment. That's always pissed me off. I guess it reminds me of baby talk. And I fucking abhor baby talk.

    I give this a 4/5. I've enjoyed it. There could be a bit of polishing on word choice, grammar, and flow sometimes, but really, this is a great story.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2018
  2. CareOtters

    CareOtters Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    Full disclosure, I'm only on chapter three, but this has really gripped me. Not going to go into spoilers just yet for the sake of other readers, but I really enjoyed the idea of the cost of travelling back in time - that adds a fantastic point of divergence from usual peggy sue fics, and then again I loved the decision of the person who was unexpectedly dead for twenty years.

    Some bold choices already when most writers are too scared to deviate from a beat by beat remake of canon. This is incredibly promising in a genre which hearkens towards stale repetition.

    As Zombro said, some minor and frankly stupid spelling and punctuation errors, but they seem more like careless typos than a lack of ability, so they don't bother me at all.

    Easily 4/5 so far. Will check back in once reading further.
     
  3. blob

    blob Sixth Year

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    There's a decent mix of good and bad in this story. Some details almost made me drop the story, but then another scene would be *really* good and I'd keep reading this chain of highs and lows despite the disappointments along the way. A definite plus is that the vast majority of it is new; there's very little in the way of canon rehash

    Plenty of minor problems. Missing comas, grammar mistakes, the works. Nothing too major, but the story could use a solid beta.

    Some attempts at humor actively harm the flow. The recent... 'obsession' of B with Orochimaru just makes me want to punch the author instead of being funny.

    Still, with the dearth of ongoing stories in Naruto fandom I'd definitely give it a shot. Plenty of fresh and fun ideas to be found and the later chapters have significantly less annoyances than the earlier ones did IMO. 3/5, maybe 3.5 if grammar mistakes don't bother you at all.
     
  4. EsperJones

    EsperJones Headmaster

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    The bulk of this story is from 2015, but it started updating again recently. That was a bit surprising to me as well - usually if it's been over a year or two stories don't get picked up again.

    Some of the future timeline seem dark for no reason, which is par for the course for the genre. The War beginning was done quite well although I have no idea how Tobi still exists in the new timeline.

    The writing is generally acceptable, but with a bunch of simple mistakes scattered across. I can't recall if it got better over time - but it stays pretty readable.

    3/5.
     
  5. fire

    fire Auror

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    I enjoyed the Part 1/pre-Shippuden parts, but dropped it after when I got bored. For the part I've read I'll say it's a solid 4/5 - Orochimaru is great, and there are sufficient changes to keep things interesting and prevent the Peggy Sue from being predictable.
     
  6. CrackedMind

    CrackedMind Death Eater

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    I definitely like this fic a lot, and I think it should be in the library. I also definitely have some pet peeves about it though.
    I think they make much too big of a deal about how when Orichimaru wants something he doesnt give it up, only for him to let Naruto go to the Daimyo's palace and then he pretty much disappears from the story.

    I loved what Naruto and Itachi did in that battle against Iwa, thought it was an awesome idea- but why did Naruto get such an asschewing afterwards? They make it seem like because Naruto is a rank and file member that his daring exploit was more stupid than incredible. Which... I mean, he's not a rank and file member. He's the container of the Nine Tailed Fox (or at least most people think he is). He has a personal relationship with two of the Sannin and the Hokage. Dude just completely routed the enemy, and you're gonna shit on him like that? Just seemed like an unneccessary dressing down when in canon that's the kind of thing that makes you a war hero.

    I'd give it a 4/5.
     
  7. TheTycat

    TheTycat Second Year

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    I really enjoyed the first part of the story. I was gripped and read it in one sitting. After the chunin exam and the timeskip though, I felt the story's pace slow way down. Before that I was hooked. Afterwards it was a slog. Naruto practically stops being the main character and the daimyo takes over for awhile. The politics were interesting, but felt so one sided in favor of Konoha that the result was never in question.

    The war with Iwa was such a disappointment. A war between two of the most powerful villages in the world starts and almost ends within 3 chapters. The exams are longer than that. With the way the author set up the villages' ninja population, hundreds of dead Iwa ninja is crippling. To make it worse, Iwa goes full retard. Despite 3 wars worth of experience and expecting Onoki might be attacked, their plan for handling the fallout is so flawed that Konoha beats them in every confrontation. Konoha is caught off guard but comes out completely victorious. It's a massive let down for a war that could've been epic.

    The overarching threat of Tobi becomes neglected. Six years in and Naruto seems to have forgotten. All his work towards stopping Tobi can be summed up as get strong, and let Itachi figure it out. By the time of Kumo's exam, I was skimming the actual exam and team 7 parts, which was most of those chapters.

    One frustration I had was the author note about S rank ninja not being OP. I was ambivalent about the change. On one hand, fights aren't just full of cannon fodder. On the other hand, the most terrifying ninja just aren't terrifying anymore. If an S-rank is only worth a couple jonin, then why did Jiraiya die to Hanzo when they could've thrown an extra team at Hanzo and won? Why couldn't Iwa defend itself against a handful of ninja? Why is Naruto such a special exception he can take on a team of jonin? I feel like the author wanted to make it one way but doesn't commit to it.

    My biggest issue though can be highlighted with a line from the latest chapter (61): "Despite the circumstances, Kouto insisted that they pressed on, with an unerring tenacity that bordered on the insane." The daimyo just never quits, and the Hokage plays a backseat role. It's annoying to read an AU that seems setup just to make this single character important. Only one other daimyo has been shown and that was just to get out witted in conversation with the fire daimyo. Even in the Land of Water, where the daimyo is supposedly more powerful than the Mizukage, there's no sign of the water daimyo's existence. The Hokage is almost a passive subordinate rather than an equal. Why is it in a story and world focused on ninja, the single most important character is not a ninja? It's another case of the author wanting to make it one way but not committing to his own world building.

    While it started out with a ton of promise, the second half has been lackluster. 3/5
     
  8. Alkaraz

    Alkaraz First Year

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    Most recent chapters have been pretty awesome. Easily one of my favorite portrayals of the Third in fanfiction in a fighting scene. While I dislike how much of a bad ass normal they portray the daimyo as, I just enjoy it overall too much to be overly bothered. 4/5.
     
  9. Nazgus

    Nazgus Minister of Magic

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    So, just did a reread of the whole thing and damn this is good. Mokuton was nicely foreshadowed, and I completely missed the relevance of Itachi's line about illusions when they broke the Iwa assault until now. I think it's easy to forget that no one actually has had the Sharingan until now, and it makes me wonder how she awakened it. Big fan of that change to the setting btw, evens up Madara and Hashirama and why no one has been on their level since.

    Going back to the newest chapter, the author said that Iwa will get three very 'big' targets out of this ambush. I think it's a safe guess that one of them will be Koutou at Kurotsuchi's hands, though since I imagine that Orochimaru is with him I think it'll take Tobi's intervention to make it happen. I'm not very sure at the other two, but I think that Tsunade might get killed saving Naruto/Itachi, and Hiruzen might be permanently crippled from his fight. Not dead or publicly crippled, but I think having him be publicly fine but not actually able to take the field anymore might be in the cards. I know he seems to have come out on top right now, but I don't think it makes too much sense for Orochimaru to get killed, and he's the only other 'big' target that's in the cards that I can think of.
     
  10. VanRopen

    VanRopen Order Member

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    Yeah, feels patting themselves on the back about their supposed reasonableness. In practice, that’s clearly not the case. On the other hand, I don’t really have any complaints about the power levels as we actually see them. Strong enemies feel strong, yet we do get a higher sense of danger - there certainly isn’t the feeling that a jonin could kill a basically arbitrary number of chunin.

    Basically it definitely comes across as a stupid A/N, but the actual application in story is pretty good.

    While I’m not a fan of the daimyo, that quote is pretty bad at supporting your point. The column is bogged down and he’s urging them forward, and...what? What else are they supposed to do? There isn’t actually any other option there, everyone is already committed to the plan. Meanwhile you do have him rebuffed outright on some things - like that genin swap idea he pushed for. I definitely agree that there wasn’t enough of that, but I think you’ve overstated the imbalance.



    I got the impression of that too. Between the way Hiruzen was putting on a front the entire battle and how Kitsuchi was struck from behind, I figured the whole conversation after the explosion was with a genjutsu and the actual Hokage did get really fucked up.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  11. TheTycat

    TheTycat Second Year

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    My quote probably wasn't the best for my point, but the daimyo losing one small request doesn't change that he defines the story's plot. He does pretty much all the diplomacy, he sets the strategy for the Iwa war, he's the one with the dream for peace, and he sets the most recent plan for countering Iwa. The Hokage stood up to him on the genin swap but caved on tutoring Kurotsuchi even though his fear was valid. Regardless of how balanced the daimyo and Hokage's relationship is, you can't deny the daimyo has taken center stage throughout the story. He's set and moved the plot forward more than anyone else, and as a result, the plot has drifted away from the story's original premise of Naruto going back to stop Tobi.
     
  12. Methos

    Methos Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    The author has a thread in SB and engage there regularly, he answer readers questions and welcome critics.
    https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/legacy-undone-naruto.352491/


    The author reduced the number of ninjas a village can field.

    Iwa suffered triple critical hits in their major opening.
    1) they suffered massive amount of causalities after getting routed
    2) while they were busy in their front they suffered another hit at home.
    3) Not to mention losing their Kage.

    This was just the opening move and than Iwa fall into a mess of succession issues.
    Further they might have waited patiently to draw Konoha to a trap, and end the war in one swift move, which might explain the lul in the war.

    The leaf on their part can't really extend themselves and go on the offensive against Iwa due to their own issues, you need to take into account other players, the PR and other elements.
     
  13. Lion

    Lion Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    So I finally caught up on this story after a break, and holy shit. The last few chapters cements this depiction of Hiruzen as my favorite, bar none. Every moment he was just so cool, calm, and collected. It was the image that lesser writers try to convey on a wizened bad ass, but fail to do.

    That line had me laugh out loud at the shear balls of it, and not because it was tacky. I clearly imagined the pants shitting fear that Kitsuchi felt there. The surprise of him being the Daimyo and the whole tea bit was cool, but this was on another level. The constant jabs at his psyche about his father. Every move in the fight. Just the image that he put up. It all came together perfectly in such a way that I felt bad for Kitsuchi. Hiruzen played him from step 0 and led him along all of his choices. Even starting with his own perceived biggest weakness to install true fear into him. Again the constant smattering of small lines that shook his confidence even more was just gravy. You felt the pants shitting fear he was in towards the end.

    I mean here's a dude that had a whole strategy ready to go. Marshaling all of his best forces to strike down his most hated enemies to avenge his dead father, only for that slow realization that it would fail. When he made the decision to sacrifice himself to finally stop this monster I thought he might succede. That last move of desperation was planned out perfectly. He knew the counters and was prepared for everything he knew Hiruzen could do. When the bubble burst from the other perspective I was ready for them to call both of their deaths. That short moment where he was alive after and thought he might have done it was bittersweet. Sure I thought Hiruzen had died, but what a way to go. But then...

    I literally just had OH SHIT running in the back of my mind that entire scene. The word choice for this scene was just crazy. Again lines that could be corny if used in another setting, for another Hiruzen, were just brutally amazing. As happy as I was that he made it through that I felt the despair Kitsuchi felt. The ANBU next to him just silently cursing sums it up perfectly. All of that, and he still stands. This is what the God of Shinobi should feel like. Years past his prime and still the fucking monster.

    The rest of the ambush scenes were just as great. Naruto and Itachi finally letting loose and just dominating their opponents was insane. Two very different styles of fighting blending together and complementing each so well. If they didn't kill Han then that man will have some serious PTSD. The two strongest lost bloodlines back to fuck his shit up, that's tragic. The way that the elite ANBU fought together was another strong point of that fight. They didn't feel like casual throwaways like in so many other fics. Ten of them held the fucking line and did it in a way that was pure shock and awe. Tsunade was also used way better than most fics give her credit for. Instead of just the massive strength they showed how she's one of the ultimate force multipliers, healing her allies and giving them chakra, but still able to fuck shit up when she needs to. That all still paled to Naruto and Itachi though, which was just great.

    The last group was my least favorite, until the little round up at the end. I was 100% sure that the Kazekage had stepped up and was there to back Konoha. The little out of place moments going through Temari's head didn't stick with me until the very last part when she saw the golden eyes. Looking back though it was obvious that Orochimaru had done the ol switcharoo. Just one last clever bit of deception that really brought it all home. Him "dying" at the end to Kurotsuchi was cake.


    Overall it's been a good story, I haven't read the earlier parts in a bit but I'm doing a reread ASAP, but this last section was great. The type of story that makes me want to sit down and write, cause it's just inspiring. Giving the story a 4.5/5 right now. If I could remember the earlier parts a little more clearly it could go either way to a 4 or 5, but until I reread I'm stuck in the middle.

    Just holy fuck though, poor Kitsuchi. I've never felt so bad for someone getting played like that.
     
  14. Nazgus

    Nazgus Minister of Magic

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    ... My reading comprehension needs work. I completely missed that Orochimaru had replaced the Kazekage...
     
  15. Lion

    Lion Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    It's defintely a quick line @Nazgus. There's a lot going on though. Up until that reveal I had been wondering what Orochimaru was doing on the boat, cause no way six ANBU is enough to hold him and Kakashi. Plus two extra.
     
  16. Xion

    Xion Robot Overlord Admin

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    Legacy Undone has been updated with a new chapter.

    Story Stats
    Chapters: 68
    Words: 295,779
    Updated: 2018-10-08 09:00:58 UTC
    Published: 2013-11-10 03:48:05 UTC
    Previously updated: about 1 month ago

    Brought to you by Scryer story thread updates.
     
  17. Lion

    Lion Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    Newest chapter is mostly just setting up for the next arc. Gave us a nice view of how everyone in Konoha is progressing and gets us ready for the coming war. I think it’ll be exciting and I can’t wait to see Itachi and Naruto let loose again.
     
  18. Xion

    Xion Robot Overlord Admin

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    Legacy Undone has been updated with a new chapter.

    Story Stats
    Chapters: 69
    Words: 298,857
    Updated: 2018-10-22 23:04:26 UTC
    Published: 2013-11-10 03:48:05 UTC
    Previously updated: 15 days ago

    Brought to you by Scryer story thread updates.
     
  19. fire

    fire Auror

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    I went back to re-read Legacy Undone, given that I had only read the first part/arc initially, and holy shit the writing is poor. Grammatical errors are not uncommon, and the voices just feel wrong. Disappointing, to come back to a fic I liked the first time round on the basis of its originality.
     
  20. EsperJones

    EsperJones Headmaster

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    As a mitigating factor, I believe English is not the author's first language.
     
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