Let's Rewrite Fanfic Openings - A Challenge

BTT · Mar 14, 2020

Based on a discussion we had on Discord a week or so ago, where the secret writing cabal took a fic's opening and rewrote it.

Basically, the idea here is to take a fanfic's opening paragraphs (say 5 at the most, for the sake of simplicity) and rewrite them into something better. Hopefully this gets people some practice when it comes to writing good opening lines, as well as some general writing tips.

Feel free to work on the same stuff someone else has already done, or post something new.

The "rules":

The content should remain the same, even if the style completely changes. For example, you can change something from third person to first; you can't make it about someone else.

Related to the above, no pulling in important information from the rest of the fic.

Apart from those, go nuts.

I'll start us off with a few examples:

from jbern's The Lie I've Lived said:

It all started after I drove off the Dementors by the lake. At first, it was a mild buzzing in the head. Later, I would be able to say it felt similar to euphoria or drunkenness. All too soon it became a raging migraine. At the time, I had no frame of reference. I'd be lying if I said I could truly recall the details of the night. Though, the trip on Buckbeak's back with Hermione screaming in my ears all the way stood out.

Healthy set of lungs on that girl. I can testify to that, if necessary. You might have to speak up if you want to ask me.

An hour later, Sirius had disappeared on the back of the hippogriff and I was spending the night in the infirmary with Hermione and Ron. Sirius did a number on Ron's leg. It reminded me of something. Ever have that sense of Déjà vu? Ironic coming from a bloke that just finished traveling through time using a bauble on a necklace? I sure did. I managed to convince Madame Pomfrey to give me something for the throbbing headache and tried to get some sleep.
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from Methods of Rationality said:

Every inch of wall space is covered by a bookcase. Each bookcase has six shelves, going almost to the ceiling. Some bookshelves are stacked to the brim with hardback books: science, maths, history, and everything else. Other shelves have two layers of paperback science fiction, with the back layer of books propped up on old tissue boxes or lengths of wood, so that you can see the back layer of books above the books in front. And it still isn't enough. Books are overflowing onto the tables and the sofas and making little heaps under the windows.

This is the living-room of the house occupied by the eminent Professor Michael Verres-Evans, and his wife, Mrs. Petunia Evans-Verres, and their adopted son, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres.

There is a letter lying on the living-room table, and an unstamped envelope of yellowish parchment, addressed to Mr. H. Potter in emerald-green ink.

The Professor and his wife are speaking sharply at each other, but they are not shouting. The Professor considers shouting to be uncivilised.

"You're joking," Michael said to Petunia. His tone indicated that he was very much afraid that she was serious.
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from Harry Crow said:

Petunia enjoyed this time of day the most, early in the morning before her two strapping boys had risen from their beds. This was her chance to read the gossip columns in the daily paper while peacefully enjoying her first cup of tea. Only after this much loved ritual would she start making the large breakfast her men folk required. This was her normal way to start the day and Petunia hated anything that interfered with her oh so normal life.

Discovering a baby on your doorstep when you went to fetch the morning paper was certainly not something that could be considered normal. That the baby had his tiny fist clutching a letter addressed to Petunia Dursley immediately ruled out any chance of mistaken identity, the child had been deliberately left at number four Privet Drive's doorstep.

The chill that saw Petunia draw the quilted housecoat tighter around her thin body wasn't purely down to this year's first touch of frost on their front lawn. That a baby could survive out here, never mind be ignored by both the milkman and the paperboy, reeked of something she was desperately trying to forget even existed. The reports on the news of owls behaving strangely and weird light shows in the sky began to make some sense to the housewife, only something cataclysmic in the magical word would see this child end up here. Lily's eyes staring at her from this child left no room for doubt to his identity.

Petunia was reluctant to take the Potter child into her home but what choice did she have? if she left him there then the neighbours were bound to notice eventually, that couldn't be allowed to happen.
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So if I took the second and rewrote it, I might get something like the following:

In the cramped living room, every inch of wall-space was covered in books. Some were hardbacked textbooks on maths, science, history, and more, bookmarks sticking out from their pages. Others were paperbacks, well-thumbed science fiction books. The walls were covered in bookcases, and since that clearly hadn't been enough, books were scattered across the floor, lying in unsteady piles, or propped up against boxes.

On the table, nested on top of a few quantum physics introductions, lay a letter. It carried no stamp, which was in a sense logical - it had not been delivered by a postman, but an owl. Said owl had, upon deposit of its cargo, sat itself gracefully on the window-sill among old computer parts, and was now preening its wings patiently.

"Surely you're joking," Michael said sharply. He didn't shout it - he considered it uncivilized - but it was a near thing. After all, he was a man of science; he had no truck with magic, and a letter which had been carried into the house by an owl, and on which was written the name of Mr. H. Potter in elegant green ink, was definitely magic in some way.

Petunia looked away, her gaze falling on the letter and jerking away with visible effort.
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DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

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BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

Aurora Sinistra, adopt Harry! (Let's discuss. What could change if Harry has a mentor?)

The best time travel fanfics! (In my opinion) Let's discuss this!

[Star Wars] Prequels Rewrite (Plot Bunny)

Let's Get Some Plot Ideas and Dresden Stories Flowing

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