Since I am a glutton for punishment, I am submitting some of my stuff for bashing/review.
Most people have not liked what happens to the Weasels in this, just a fair warning. (all bleachworthy instances occur off screen) I am slowly trying some different styles, and am working on a darker fic as well. Thanks!
Prefix: [Oneshot]
Subject: [Love Potion #9] by [Stick97] - [M]
Title: [Love Potion #9]
Author: [Stick97]
Rating: [M]
Genre: [Humor/Horror]
DLP Category: [Humor/Parody]
Pairing: [H/Hr. RW/GW/DU]
Status: [Oneshot]
Summary: [Ron just won't give up on the love potion angle. He thinks he has finally found the right...mix. Weasley bashing ahead!] Link: [http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5453001/1/Love_Potion_9]

 

Not much to say. Uncreative innuendo, complete absence of anything sensual or humorous. Give us something good to speak of.

 

Sorry, mate, but I don't think it likely that your fic will receive a warm reception.

Oneshots are like short stories; they need to be focused, polished, and have a beginning, middle, and end. This reads more like an unfocused drabble that was written in the space of half an hour.

The first section, with Ron overhearing the innuendo-laden conversation, is the strongest bit, but you don't go anywhere with it. It needs to resurface at the end in some fashion. Perhaps Ron, on the run from Umbridge, stumbles upon the room where Ginny is banging the gobstones club?

The second section, featuring the Ron and Umbridge luvin', isn't nearly as funny as you could make it. Why cut out the squick, and why dose both of them? Have Umbridge chase a horrified Ron through the halls, stripping as she goes. Maybe she traps him in a classroom and buries his face in her enormous, sagging udders? The whole point in writing a story like this is to gross the reader out.

The last section is the weakest. It reads like a sop for Harmony fangirls, and doesn't really belong here.

My advice is to rewrite this from scratch, since it seems more like an outline anyway.

2/5 in its present incarnation

 

If you were looking on ways to have your story improved, I would have posted this in the Work By Author section rather than here.

Edit: Skimmed more than thoroughly read, but it was difficult to continue with these types of sentences.

Voice 1 and 2 bothered me as well. There are better technique's to use when writing even if the speakers don't have names. You could just as easily have labeled them by the tones of their voices, accents, whether one was male and the other female, etc. The repetition made the dialogue boring instead of it's intended humor.

^What he said.

 

See, this is why I went ahead and posted here. Lots of "lolz aewesomenes" are great for the ego, but if I want to improve, I need to hear this kind of stuff. I will be the first to admit, it was sort of a jarring entry, but I also want to avoid the typical telling the whole story to get to this point. I realize it was pretty jarring to just pop in on Ron spanking the weasel, but I did try and at least explain the back story a bit.

I thought I actually did a pretty good job there, basically it's supposed to be Crabbe and Goyle in the bathroom. The talk about the potions Ginny has to take, and then her looking nauseous coming from Pomfrey. And the comments from the ferret about didn't believe what they had told him about her. Frankly, I wanted to reinforce the whole Ron is stupid and didn't realize they were talking about his sister angle. I have learned I tend to be too subtle with my stuff, but I also hate the fics where you feel like you are being beat over the head with the obvious.

Honestly? I couldn't stomach writing out smut with 2 weasels and a toad. It was damaging enough having it in my head. I thought about writing more on this, but I would rather just focus more on the enjoyable parts. I tend to try and tone back on the juicy bits slapping together and let the reader fill in the blanks.

Yeah, I know the last part was just some fluff. I threw it in there to get the toad out of my head.

Thanks for the feedback!

---------- Post automerged at 06:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:41 PM ----------

Can you suggest a better way of writing that? I was trying to show the fact that Ron convinces himself that what he does is not wrong. I'll admit I tend to abuse the above in my writing, but I like showing the actions/thoughts as they are self correcting themselves.

I think the problem I had was I was trying to show too many different points of view. I have Ron's POV and trying to show him as clueless enough he doesn't even recognize Crabbe & Goyle, and then also Hermione's POV switching to Harry's. As far as V1 and V2, I wanted a better way of expressing it, but couldn't come up with one. I also wanted it to sort of be an "AHA!" when the reader realized that it was Crabbe and Goyle at the end.

Thanks again for the feedback.


*EDIT* whoops. Didn't even notice the works by author forum. That leads to two things:
1. Can a mod move this thread to that area?
2. My writing output just went in the crapper. WWSHD is too funny.

 

If Ron's showing an internal "struggle" and justifying his actions why not put a phrase or line in to describe it without literally showing the struggle?

Instead of writing..

try..

 

Ah, I didn't mean that you needed to start with back story. Almost every story starts in the middle of things, so to speak. I meant that, within the logic of the story, there needs to be a beginning, middle, and end.

For this story, that would be: (1) Ron prepares his plan; (2) Ron executes his plan; (3) Ron's plan fails spectacularly. You've got the first two parts, but then the story just drifts off into unrelated Harmony fluff. You want to end with a bang, not a whimper. That's why I'd suggest excising the H/Hr bits entirely.

The idea here is fine, but the execution could be a little better. First, it's implausible that Ron wouldn't recognize the voices of two boys from his year. And if he did recognize them as Crabbe and Goyle, he certainly wouldn't fantasize about having their sloppy seconds.

Why not change the voices to those of Seamus and Dean? Ron would be curious about the identity of the girl, and might consider trying to 'practice' with her before he perfects his technique on Hermione. They could even mention her firecrotch, and clueless Ron would assume that they're talking about Susan Bones.

Lastly, the opening sentences need a bigger pull, a little more drama. How about something like this, a slightly modified version of your opening?

This was it.

The culmination of all his hard work. He would finally be able to possess that which was rightfully his.

Grunting and grimacing as he prepared the final ingredient, Ron Weasley closed his eyes and imagined the prize that would soon be his. All of his failures no longer mattered. No longer would he follow the instructions of those so-called seduction manuals. No longer would he bother to chew with his mouth closed.

No, this new method was guaranteed to work. The ad in the back of Seamus' girly mag said so.

Whoa, there. I don't want to read any Umbridge smut either. I was just suggesting that she do some ridiculous and disgusting things under the influence of the potion. I would suggest that only she be dosed. Maybe she sees Ron dose Hermione's potion and grabs it off the table. Ron, desperate not to be discovered, tries to grab it back, sloshing it out and into her open mouth.

Then hilarity hopefully ensues as she tries to seduce him right there in public. He takes off running while everyone else looks on dumbfounded.

Again, the Harry/Hermione bits just don't belong. This story is about Ron and his various failures at life. Likewise, Malfoy committing suicide in the Great Hall is just too silly even for a crack fic.

The ending could take place hours or even a day after the fiasco in the Great Hall. Ron, on the run from Umbridge, could be chased into an empty corridor and stumble upon Ginny banging the Slytherin quidditch team. (Personally I like the gobstones club; it would have people like the Creevey brothers). He could be so traumatized by seeing his sister get H'ed by the Creevey brothers that he goes catatonic and lets Umbridge lead him away to do nasty things to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I'll shut up now. That's just my two cents on how the story might be improved if you choose to rewrite it. Feel free to ignore it if you don't find it useful.

 

I agree, but the 'laundry day' bit would work well in a 'I suddenly realize she's a girl' fic. ^.^

True, but Malfoy thinking this would be a great time to try his hand a killing Dumbledore (All the distractions and what not) might work, and who knows, perhaps having 30 stunners hitting you from almost every conceivable angle causes the body to spontaneously implode.

Edit: Also, Ya... sorry. Not library worthy as it is. 2/5 for having some moderately humerous Idea's