Greetings:

This is the first story I display here for your evaluation, it was written the 'Ron/Hermione "Through the Eyes of Another" Challenge' in the host site.

Title: Moonlight
Author: red_jaguar (a.k.a. jaguarweasley in the host site)
Genre: Horror, Mystery, Angst
Pairing: None
Status: Complete (One-shot)
Link: http://www.checkmated.com/story.php?story=10360
Summary: A dark house in the middle of a stormy night holds mysterious beings and secrets. Yet, it may also hold revelations.

In general, in gathered good reviews, especially the characterization of Bellatrix Lestrange. My self-admitted weakness is that English is my 2nd Language, so, sometimes what I write might read awkward and my vocabulary isn't as broad as I'd like it to be.
In my favor, I think I'm succeeded in the portrayal of Bellatrix and the general tone of the writing does incite mystery and fear.

I leave it at your mercy, see you around.

- The Jaguar.

 

Hmm, I read it and it was technically okay. No glaring errors that made it particularly unreadable.

It was, however, (somewhat inevitably, I think) boring.

I like my Bellatrix to have some spark, some evil in her that makes her interesting to read. Playing piano to relax? How about blowing up a Muggle bridge to relax.

And another thing - Ron/Hermione in love as seen by Bellatrix? I don't know, but to me she wouldn't really care about such trivialities after she was quivering from Voldemort's Cruciatus Curse (which she should have been after they got away).

I'd like to see you write something with some action and originality to it, and would gladly read that if you posted it.

But I'm going to have to give this one: 2/5

 

2.5/5
ugh, I really don't like the format of that site. I also have trouble thinking of a Musician!Bellatrix for some reason, add to that her lack of crazy.
The main problem I have is by the end we know nothing. It'd fit into a story for sure but we have no idea what it is she is planning to do other than it involving either Ron or Hermione.

 

Greetings:

Now this is what I was talking about. Finally someone with a broader opinion than 'Yay! Loved it!' or stuff like that. It's not like I don't enjoy praising, but some constructive advices always help.

I understand kmfrank when he says the story is boring. Despite it was plausible to me having Bella play the piano, especially that song, I will agree that Bella is a character who goes better with action and more open displays or evilness.

As to why is the love between Ron and Hermione shown here? Well, first of all, this fic was the entry for a challenge which purpose was to show the love between R/Hr through a third party's perspective.

Aside from that, the idea of indirectly damage someone by attacking his/her loved ones, and by attacking the very union of the couple, IS a legitimate (but kind of low-blow) tactic to deal with enemies.

I do have more action oriented fics, which I'd be glad to submit for your observations, but for now, let's stick to this one and see which other areas of improvement I can work on.

Also, thanks to JoJo23 for the comments. It's true, the realization at the end leads to nothing from then on, that's because we had the chance to see another interaction between Bella and the trio until the Battle of Hogwarts, so, whatever she had planned, she never had the chance to make it happen.

Well, I'm sure liking the blunt honesty, I'll catch up with you later.

- The Jaguar.

 

The opening line failed to draw me in. The rest of the story seemed to lack any direction.

Your vocabulary is fine. If you're using "ebony" in a sentence correctly, then I think you don't really need to worry about that. This is fanfiction after all.

What you need is precision, not verbosity.*

Concentrating on your opening line

A heavy storm, while it's accurate, the purpose of the opening line is meant to set the mood. I'd recommend a more thought-out adjective to describe the storm. Not necessarily a more "complicated" word – like ponderous – but perhaps a word which has relation to the point or plot of this story. Maybe the storm is oppressive? Or mighty? Is it lazy or simply dreary?

Also, "...on the wooden roof in the middle of the forest" is a little wordy, too. Overall your opening line feels cliched, and while cliches aren't necessarily bad, they're often so worn they fail to invoke any emotion or interest.

You've described the setting fine, but again the words/phrases "howled" "ebony" "no light was visible" "picture a mixture of dark shades" fail to capture any mood. Determine a more abstract way to describe the house and the wind, use another verb other than "blow/howl/shriek". Stay away from "was" when you can - passive tense < active tense.

I also noticed some tense errors - randomly switching from past to present tense. Pick one and stick with it, it gets messy to switch between them.

As for the plot... there's not much substance to it. It's also on the unbelievable side. Bellatrix is acting too passive -- she should relate to Ron and Hermione in some way. Why is she really thinking about Hermione and Ron?

Is she envious of their "love"? What is her reaction to this love? I can't imagine Bellatrix playing piano and musing over the love of two teenage brats -- her reaction to something like that would be much more external, if violent or at least bizarre. Of course that's my characterization, but I recommend you rethink yours.

If all else fails, Bellatrix should just tie up Hermione and torture her until she can get an answer from the girl as to why she "loves" Ron. Actually I think you should consider this approach . Add some sexual innuendo and bondage and I think you'll get a 5/5 from me.

*What I mean by this precisely... is that in writing, you should attempt to overcome the "naturalness" of language. Every word you use should be exact. There should be a reason for using it. If you don't know why you're phrasing something a certain way, rethink what you're saying. Avoid colloquialisms unless you're writing dialogue and only go back to the "naturalness" of language when you're completely aware of the cannotations of what you're saying.

edit: I agree with Andromalius , though I wouldn't say it so harshly P

 

Well, the writing is decent, but I'd much prefer reading this on PatronusCharm or FF.net.

Even though it's technically good, your Bellatrix is annoying in my opinion. Her character should never be 'developed' as 'normal' if she has already been in Azkaban. I mean, she is a crazy bitch. It's just doesn't work that she goes on to play some piano and be almost normal.

The fic was also quite boring.

Still, OK for an one-shot.

2.5/5, rounded up to 3.

 

I enjoyed the idea of this, Bella working out how to destroy Harry's friends. But some of your phrasing and word choice just seemed awkward to me.

Bunch of kids? Really? Couldn't you at least go with 'group of children' or something? It feels like she's going to start talking about their little dog next.

Also, I noticed once or twice you use present tense, before returning to past tense again, and some of your details seem a little as though you had a picture in your mind without really thinking about why. Here you do both:

Why does she put out black roses? And I can't see Bella being the victim of any attacks by crazed Mozart fans.

It is a good story but it needs some work still. 3/5

 

Oh lawdy. :awesome

1/5.

I suppose you congratulated yourself for your cleverness when you wrote that?

The tame portrayal of Bellatrix is easy to explain - an insane person fresh from Azkaban could hardly be in any condition to be playing anything, even idly. Even if someone came up with some bullshit magic trick to restore the fingers and kinesthetic memory, the interpretation of the first movement would be impaired by insanity, and obviously nothing can cure that.

Hence, it is ignored because otherwise, there would be no piano, and without the gimmick the one-shot would be even more underwhelming.

Treating Bellatrix's discovery like a 'revelation' was hilarious in how seriously it took itself. Kill/incapicitate a third of the trio! Two-thirds to cover any ambiguity.

Genius and a waste of time even by Fanfiction standards.

 

Greetings:

First of all, I want to thank Chime?? for providing me with the most constructive review I can remember. I admit I don't intend every single word to have a particular meaning in the story, and the weird 'verbosity'... well, at the time it sounded fine to me. Now, going back to read it, I can't help but agree that the lines are awkward and could be greatly improve, however, I think that's a mistake of mine that only practice will correct.

I am also aware of my tense errors in this particular work, nothing to say there but 'sorry'. I also acknowledge that the plot is short of non-existent.

Now, regarding the comments by Peteks and Andromalius, I don't really see why couldn't Bellatrix play the piano, even if she's barking mad. I mean, if Beethoven could compose being deaf, playing the piano when you are a murdering, traumatized psycopath doesn't seem that strange. Amado Nervo, a well respected Mexican intellectual, writer and poet once said: genius and madness are lovers, but have never been able to marry.

So, genius and madness are related in a way, many acclaimed artist have been also reffered to as excentric, which is just an euphemism for 'crazy'. Besides, being raised by the Black Family should have included some artistic education, why playing the piano couldn't have been included?

Now, on the repeated comments on why is the relationship between Ron and Hermione of any importance here, I want to say that this fan fiction was written for a challenge, which specific purpose was to show the relationship from certain character's, as third party, perspective. Characters were sorted and from the options I had, I went for Bellatrix.

I want to take this small break to thank malaga for the observations made, once again noticing some of the awkward phrasing and the tense mishappens.

Now, on to the rest of the comments by Andromalius. No, I don't congratulate myself on that line. I'm a great fan of Beethoven and wanted to show that, and that line was inspired by Isabella Rosellini's character in 'Inmortal Beloved', when she forgives him after hearing the 9th, so, it would be inappropiate for me to congratulate myself on something that is not entirely mine. The issue of Bellatrix playing the piano has already been discussed above, I will refer to the last lines of the comment: Okay, I guess I screwed up by giving so much importance to the discovery of the love between R/Hr and then failed to show any consequence of the revelation. I mean, she is going to kill/torture them if she gets her hands on them anyway, right? I will accept that critique then. But I wanted to show here, without it being explicit, is that, for someone as cruel as Bellatrix, when you know of the affective bonds of your enemy, you can use them against him, that's the beauty of it: you don't need to kill/torture the signifficant other of an enemy you are facing, because you can mess with his/her mind by simply implying it. You can make them throw themselves at danger in a fit of rage, crumble with fear, of give up all hope; heck, you can make them lose the will the live or even you could cause some betreyal in the structure of a group by attacking the affective bonds between two members of that group.

To a psycopath of this kind, every loved one you have, is a weakness that can be exploited.

Anyway, I'm leaving it as it is for the moment. I appreciate all the comments, I trust they will help me to improve myself. See you later.

- The Jaguar.

 

Aspects of your writing (particularly the mechanics) are competent and you are to be commended for writing a finished piece. While you have a few mix-ups of tense, I appreciate how they can creep in (many languages aren't as anal about tense as English) and I think you did a decent job of putting down your story.

Now, some of what you can work on: Others have commented on your choice of words. To me, this was a lesser matter; I can read pieces like this or Naia's, where the author is writing outside her native tongue, and make the appropriate allowances.

Instead, I'd like to comment on another aspect of your storytelling: Friend, you mix literary metaphors so much that that it hurts at times. The title of the piece and your choice of music are particularly unfortunate, given the nature of what you're trying to pull off.

You have a raging storm outside and (one would hope) inside Bella's mind, yet the sublime Moonlight Sonata is being played? Bella should be pounding out bars of Beethoven's "Tempest," Piano Sonata No. 17 in D minor, a piece that telegraphs her darker, vicious side. This is the first, perhaps most fatal, flaw of the story; I just couldn't bring myself to take her anger seriously if she's playing No. 14 competently. As you've portrayed her, Bellatrix is merely criminal, not insane, and thus wholly unremarkable.

Here's how to do the musical metaphor right: Bella's episodes of near coherence and analysis should come during interludes of musical quiet. The tempest passages of Sonata 17 should draw her insanity out. During these times, she can't help but push the tempo to the point of frenzy, an interpretation that's musically suspect, but consistent with a mind shattered by madness. That as she does so, she throws her head back violently, her mouth pulled into a leer, is not enough. No, she must straddle the bench and grind her hips hard, evoking an orgasm of violence and aggression and hate and fire and fury and the very best and the very worst of everything. That she's left gasping and wet atop the corpse of the mudblood Joséphine Danvers (beneath her on the bench) is most fitting.

Black roses are boring. Black fingernails, chipped from where she'd gouged out Lady Danvers's eyes... How dare she look on her with fear--she's beautiful! Like a butterfly... like a lynx. Like her man before mind and sense were rent by Dementors. Beautiful and terrible, like the storm.

(Notice how one works back in the storm. Resonance is a good thing).

If you're going to substitute style for plot and a proper throughline, you'll have to work to load your descriptors and subtexts to the point of poetry. This is exceedingly difficult to pull off in something other than one's native tongue. (Hell, it's hard even in one's native tongue; my attempt at this, also in a challenge piece, was a failure). You'd be better off sticking to stories that are actual stories (in my opinion, anyway).

I'm rounding up and giving it a 2/5. Thanks for sharing and best of luck with your next story.