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WIP Of Sheep and Battle Chicken by LogicalPremise - M - Mass Effect

Discussion in 'Games' started by MonkeyEpoxy, Feb 24, 2015.

  1. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    I've read extremely long fics. The thing with OSABC is a lot of the scenes (especially action scenes) are overblown. But I checked out that Spirit thing and yeah, I'm not reading 3,4mln words without the strongest recommendation ever.
     
  2. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage Prestige

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    There is one thing in OSABC that I think needs to be a bit trimmed down and that is arguably a bit of a difficult thing to cut out, admittedly, so at the very least it needed to change. And that is the type of conversation that Shepard has with multiple people, most of which who are going to be her crew in which she basically says the same thing and thus we get to read the same conversation over and over again in which she laments that she is a monster, so incredibly fucked up and so on.

    I mean, I get it. She has these bonding moments with different people and she can't exactly make up new tragic backstories and we need to see her connecting with her crew so we get why they would follow her into hell and all but on the other side, it did drag the story a bit to basically read the same angsty conversation a few times.

    I don't pretend to know the solution here, but it is the one thing that stuck to my mind over a year after having reread the story. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love these stories, length and all, but if the first story had one big weakness, I'd say that was it. I think the bad thing isn't the length itself but that those segments made the reader feel the length in a bad way.
     
  3. LogicalPremise

    LogicalPremise First Year DLP Supporter

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    To be fair, most of my dialogue was modeled on people I based Shepard on, who would get into exactly those kinds of repetitive, woe is me talks that I could never seem to break them out of.

    At the time of writing, I was experimenting and... not thinking about readability so much as what was in my head. I think these sections need to be reviewed, polished and cleaned up a lot for people to enjoy them.

    But one of my own pet peeves is people treating PTSD, survivor sydromes and other issues as something you just 'get over'. As I've alluded to elsewhere, you don't get over it. Especially if you're an introverted emotional cripple.

    I would appreciate the better methods of getting that across without making it sound like some slightly better spelled version of My Immortal, as the criticism is certainly valid.
     
  4. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Alchemist

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    So, part 2 of the angstrofuck is out, and holy god it really is a desperate terrible plan. Hopefully the wait for the climax isn't as long :)

    Tazzik vs the Shieldbreaker was the best part of this bad boy
     
  5. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Headmaster

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    Mostly I'm just surprised that LP managed to make the hilariously evil clanless CEOs vaguely sympathetic.


    Then again the other side is justicars who are a bunch of hilariously asinine... assholes. so fuck 'em.

    Goddamn am I ever looking forwards to the reveal of the Sisters/Butcher though, especially what with Garrus' side piece.
     
  6. LogicalPremise

    LogicalPremise First Year DLP Supporter

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    The third part -- with the fighting -- comes out tonight. I've tried to do justice to the amount of build up I've had to this point. :)

    ---------- Post automerged at 03:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:00 AM ----------

    It's almost here!
     
  7. Himuradono

    Himuradono Professor

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    Same here, I think it came out just right, especially when we take into account that they are still scheming how to save their asses while sacrificing the fodder.
    MonkeyEpoxy, you really nailed it with that title you came up so long ago.
     
  8. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Headmaster

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    That was very satisfying to read.

    My only (minor!) complaint was that it was a bit tricky to keep track of all the various combatants. For instance, when Telyana was crouching over Morinth's body, I couldn't actually tell what happened to her, since it wasn't entirely clear whether she was alive or dead or what.

    Shame about Dunn, too.
     
  9. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Alchemist

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    I can't wait to see/read about Tetrimus's face when Shepard lands on him after this

    I forget, is it known amongst the Brokers' troops that Shepard is almost there?

    I'm going to echo the comments above... this was incredibly cathartic and we're not even done yet. Also, this won't exactly be Tazzik vs Richard Williams but I'm just as excited.
     
  10. Abhorsen

    Abhorsen Squib

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    I just reread the STG file on Shepard, and it gives a slight spoiler for the fight coming up, so that was annoying. But on that note, I should probably leave a review.

    I really like a lot of this work. Unfortunately the overload of angst is real. One minor thing that I have issue with is how the description states that it's more grimdark than 40k, which I disagree with. The darkest part of 40k is that all of the heroics and brightspots ultimately do not matter, because humanity WILL eventually lose. On the other hand, what Shepard does clearly does matter, and she does make a difference, and even at her last message, there is a thread of hope in it. I've always felt that OSABC was happier because of that.
     
  11. KaelMyec

    KaelMyec Second Year

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    Updated, and holy crap.
     
  12. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Headmaster

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    This was a very satisfying chapter to read.

    Kinda sad Liara didn't bite it because that'd be morbidly funny, but it was a real good chapter
     
  13. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Alchemist

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    That was probably the most cathartic fanfiction scene I've ever read.
     
  14. Lamora

    Lamora Definitely Not Batman

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    This fic has gotten really...not good.

    You definitely can't call it bad. The writing is definitely technically sound, and the characterization is consistent, if not what I would call good.

    But it's got a few problems that were sort of minor starting out, that have only ballooned farther and farther into the stratosphere.

    One of those problems is power creep. This fic has it insanely bad. At the beginning, the deviation from normal ME tech was just that - a deviation. The power jump wasn't too bad, and it introduced pretty interesting cultural distance between the species and their technology.

    But now, JFC. When all these side omake 'STG Profiles' are suggesting that the only way to deal with individual mortals like Tetrimus or the Broker is blanket nukes and orbital bombardment, the shark hasn't just jumped, it's been launched into the stratosphere. All these bits about warp swords and every next legendary spec ops uber-unit or god-operative jumping out from behind the curtain stop being interesting, just bad.

    The next is the plot writing. This has gone past solid grim dark into grim derp, and frankly, it already started with one foot in the grave in that respect. This would less egregious if Shepard's relationship with Liara hadn't turned into it's own anime protagonist complete with ten mile thick plot armor. If both the grimness and the sort of hope-against-the-darkness part had been written very subtly and mixed, maybe it would have worked - but the highest point for this fic in both those respects was when both elements were written sort of atmospheric, whereas the latest few chapters have turned into us being beat to death with both aspects; I would never have said that either was written well at any point.

    This series has solid, good parts that can't be detracted from. When you eject the technological wank out of the writing of the ME species, you get really interesting writing of the alien species in a very original way. You can't really say that they resemble the actual Mass Effect setting that well anymore, but if you do away with the comparison and look at them by themselves, they stand very strong on their own. (Humanity is excluded from this compliment - most of it is a rip of 40k, and a unfortunately hackneyed one at that)

    Ultimately, I feel like the writer took a solid concept and just wrote themselves into a corner and up a cliff with the scaling power tech and invincible ShepardxLiara pairing. I'm not sure what could fix it besides a rewrite at this point. Started pretty 4/5, now probably 2/5. I'm still reading, but only for the alien cultural concepts at this point.
     
  15. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Headmaster

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    I sympathize with the power creep thing because, as I think I've mentioned in this thread before, there's no way a JDAM or two wouldn't (shouldn't) take out most of the main characters with even a modicum

    Really, the problem is that biotic abilities have been scaled up so much, in large part to justify the frankly pretty interesting portrayal of the Asari people.

    It's still a fascinating read though, and profoundly satisfying to read in a way not many fanfics are. When I saw that email notification of an update I was incredibly excited, because I wanted to see what a colossal mess Ilium would be turned into.

    Which uh, it did. Beyond all my wildest expectations.

    I'd still say the fic is a solid 4/5. It's well written, and while I'm not in love with the power creep I can accept it as a flaw. While it's sorta fundamental to the entire AU, I can also accept it and still greatly enjoy the fanfic.
     
  16. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I've been avoiding this for a bit. Because to be honest with you if my Mass Effect fics that I read aren't explicitly HFY then I don't really get into it. I hate the dick sucking that some fic authors do to make the aliens seem as other worldly as possible - near unapproachable. I'm looking for that slow, but progressive feedback of I'm going to fuck your entire home world up because you underestimated my people.

    As far as this story goes there are some things that sold me on this. Namely, the expanded larger universe they've built to kind of showcase their story. Without that added bit of information, I feel like the overall story would fall a bit flat and be less inviting. Its not a requirement that any of them should be read, but it does add new color to things that you would otherwise miss.

    There is a polish to this story that is otherwise missing in other ME fics. I like the effort they've put into this, so overall I'd give this story a 4/5 just because of the supplementary information. Without it, it'd be a solid 3 for me.
     
  17. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Headmaster

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    Can you not edit posts in this forum/thread? Meant to say that there's no way a jdam or two wouldn't take out most of the main characters with a modicum of mission planning... but that's also not the sort of thing that makes for terribly compelling reading.
     
  18. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    There is a time limit of 24 hours, the only persistent thread edits are in WbA and that's OP only iirc.