I've read extremely long fics. The thing with OSABC is a lot of the scenes (especially action scenes) are overblown. But I checked out that Spirit thing and yeah, I'm not reading 3,4mln words without the strongest recommendation ever.

 

There is one thing in OSABC that I think needs to be a bit trimmed down and that is arguably a bit of a difficult thing to cut out, admittedly, so at the very least it needed to change. And that is the type of conversation that Shepard has with multiple people, most of which who are going to be her crew in which she basically says the same thing and thus we get to read the same conversation over and over again in which she laments that she is a monster, so incredibly fucked up and so on.

I mean, I get it. She has these bonding moments with different people and she can't exactly make up new tragic backstories and we need to see her connecting with her crew so we get why they would follow her into hell and all but on the other side, it did drag the story a bit to basically read the same angsty conversation a few times.

I don't pretend to know the solution here, but it is the one thing that stuck to my mind over a year after having reread the story. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love these stories, length and all, but if the first story had one big weakness, I'd say that was it. I think the bad thing isn't the length itself but that those segments made the reader feel the length in a bad way.

 

To be fair, most of my dialogue was modeled on people I based Shepard on, who would get into exactly those kinds of repetitive, woe is me talks that I could never seem to break them out of.

At the time of writing, I was experimenting and... not thinking about readability so much as what was in my head. I think these sections need to be reviewed, polished and cleaned up a lot for people to enjoy them.

But one of my own pet peeves is people treating PTSD, survivor sydromes and other issues as something you just 'get over'. As I've alluded to elsewhere, you don't get over it. Especially if you're an introverted emotional cripple.

I would appreciate the better methods of getting that across without making it sound like some slightly better spelled version of My Immortal, as the criticism is certainly valid.

 

So, part 2 of the angstrofuck is out, and holy god it really is a desperate terrible plan. Hopefully the wait for the climax isn't as long

Tazzik vs the Shieldbreaker was the best part of this bad boy

 

Mostly I'm just surprised that LP managed to make the hilariously evil clanless CEOs vaguely sympathetic.


Then again the other side is justicars who are a bunch of hilariously asinine... assholes. so fuck 'em.

Goddamn am I ever looking forwards to the reveal of the Sisters/Butcher though, especially what with Garrus' side piece.

 

The third part -- with the fighting -- comes out tonight. I've tried to do justice to the amount of build up I've had to this point.

---------- Post automerged at 03:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:00 AM ----------

It's almost here!

 

Same here, I think it came out just right, especially when we take into account that they are still scheming how to save their asses while sacrificing the fodder.
MonkeyEpoxy, you really nailed it with that title you came up so long ago.

 

That was very satisfying to read.

My only (minor!) complaint was that it was a bit tricky to keep track of all the various combatants. For instance, when Telyana was crouching over Morinth's body, I couldn't actually tell what happened to her, since it wasn't entirely clear whether she was alive or dead or what.

Shame about Dunn, too.

 

Spoiler

I can't wait to see/read about Tetrimus's face when Shepard lands on him after this

I forget, is it known amongst the Brokers' troops that Shepard is almost there?

I'm going to echo the comments above... this was incredibly cathartic and we're not even done yet. Also, this won't exactly be Tazzik vs Richard Williams but I'm just as excited.

 

I just reread the STG file on Shepard, and it gives a slight spoiler for the fight coming up, so that was annoying. But on that note, I should probably leave a review.

I really like a lot of this work. Unfortunately the overload of angst is real. One minor thing that I have issue with is how the description states that it's more grimdark than 40k, which I disagree with. The darkest part of 40k is that all of the heroics and brightspots ultimately do not matter, because humanity WILL eventually lose. On the other hand, what Shepard does clearly does matter, and she does make a difference, and even at her last message, there is a thread of hope in it. I've always felt that OSABC was happier because of that.

 

Updated, and holy crap.

 

This was a very satisfying chapter to read.

Kinda sad Liara didn't bite it because that'd be morbidly funny, but it was a real good chapter

 

That was probably the most cathartic fanfiction scene I've ever read.

 

This fic has gotten really...not good.

You definitely can't call it bad. The writing is definitely technically sound, and the characterization is consistent, if not what I would call good.

But it's got a few problems that were sort of minor starting out, that have only ballooned farther and farther into the stratosphere.

One of those problems is power creep. This fic has it insanely bad. At the beginning, the deviation from normal ME tech was just that - a deviation. The power jump wasn't too bad, and it introduced pretty interesting cultural distance between the species and their technology.

But now, JFC. When all these side omake 'STG Profiles' are suggesting that the only way to deal with individual mortals like Tetrimus or the Broker is blanket nukes and orbital bombardment, the shark hasn't just jumped, it's been launched into the stratosphere. All these bits about warp swords and every next legendary spec ops uber-unit or god-operative jumping out from behind the curtain stop being interesting, just bad.

The next is the plot writing. This has gone past solid grim dark into grim derp, and frankly, it already started with one foot in the grave in that respect. This would less egregious if Shepard's relationship with Liara hadn't turned into it's own anime protagonist complete with ten mile thick plot armor. If both the grimness and the sort of hope-against-the-darkness part had been written very subtly and mixed, maybe it would have worked - but the highest point for this fic in both those respects was when both elements were written sort of atmospheric, whereas the latest few chapters have turned into us being beat to death with both aspects; I would never have said that either was written well at any point.

This series has solid, good parts that can't be detracted from. When you eject the technological wank out of the writing of the ME species, you get really interesting writing of the alien species in a very original way. You can't really say that they resemble the actual Mass Effect setting that well anymore, but if you do away with the comparison and look at them by themselves, they stand very strong on their own. (Humanity is excluded from this compliment - most of it is a rip of 40k, and a unfortunately hackneyed one at that)

Ultimately, I feel like the writer took a solid concept and just wrote themselves into a corner and up a cliff with the scaling power tech and invincible ShepardxLiara pairing. I'm not sure what could fix it besides a rewrite at this point. Started pretty 4/5, now probably 2/5. I'm still reading, but only for the alien cultural concepts at this point.

 

I sympathize with the power creep thing because, as I think I've mentioned in this thread before, there's no way a JDAM or two wouldn't (shouldn't) take out most of the main characters with even a modicum

Really, the problem is that biotic abilities have been scaled up so much, in large part to justify the frankly pretty interesting portrayal of the Asari people.

It's still a fascinating read though, and profoundly satisfying to read in a way not many fanfics are. When I saw that email notification of an update I was incredibly excited, because I wanted to see what a colossal mess Ilium would be turned into.

Which uh, it did. Beyond all my wildest expectations.

I'd still say the fic is a solid 4/5. It's well written, and while I'm not in love with the power creep I can accept it as a flaw. While it's sorta fundamental to the entire AU, I can also accept it and still greatly enjoy the fanfic.

 

Can you not edit posts in this forum/thread? Meant to say that there's no way a jdam or two wouldn't take out most of the main characters with a modicum of mission planning... but that's also not the sort of thing that makes for terribly compelling reading.

 

For those that still follow, this has updated.

Spoiler: My thoughts

This is a good transition chapter, we are moving on from the recruitment stages into the objective stages. Shep is starting to get reintegrated into the galaxy as a whole after the big reveal on Illium, the pieces are being put back together. Since this is OSaBC I fully expect there to be some kind of monkey wrench either form the Collectors or the Shadow Broker to screw with the whole reintegration thing before Shepard and crew kick off the next phase of fighting. But overall I still am enjoying this series. Also best line of the chapter goes to Garrus:
He poured himself more brandy. "Now, whatever I do, it's fucked up. And somehow, Shepard, I don't think it's going to be as easy as: 'hey, threesome!' "

 

The Prince of Slytherin of ME fics.