So, I began my trek through the highlands of Route 3, and a quick venture into the tall grass nets me a Spearow, who I name Poytin. I don't get the feeling he'll contribute much, but at worst he'll be rear guard for now.

So after I took a brief venture through the grass to train up the beasties, I forged ahead past the Pokemon Center (seriously, fuck that Magikarp salesman, his moustache creeps me out) and into Mt. Moon. And I got a very real surprise when I encountered not one of the fiendish bats in this festering pit, but a stony Geodude, and thus Kalas joined the party. And as soon as he learns Magnitude, he manages to wipe the floor with pretty much everything in his path. And with Irene's Confusion, Matt's Ember, and Poytin's Peck (by the way, the 'transition chambers' in Mt. Moon that only have Paras are great places for Spearow's to train), Mt. Moon is an easy fight.

And things get even better when I run into Route 4 - I catch an Ekans in the tall grass outside Cerulean. And since Arbok is one of my favourite Pokemon, one can be sure that Vash will stay in my party for as long as he can.

Current Pokemon:

Mattsilver the Charmeleon - lvl 18
Torak the Rattata - lvl 18
Poytin the Spearow - lvl 18
Kalas the Geodude - lvl 19
Irene the Butterfree - lvl 18
Vash the Ekans - lvl 12

 

LT2000 F the Ponyta had a tragic accident involving another Ponyta and a heap of bullshit. I won’t go into details, but I assure you it was tragic.

Anyways, I did some training near Celestic Town, but stopped. There were too many Machokes and Gravelers with their Revenges and Self-Destructs to feel safe. I didn’t need another Pokemon dying in the area, especially since I only had one battle-ready Pokemon. So, I continued on with the plot. I murdered the single Galactic grunt and then left Celestic for Canalave. In the process, Cheddar the Shellos learned Surf, and Anya the Drifloon was put in the box for future emergencies.

Canalave was a goldmine in wild Pokemon. My encounter of the area was Tentacool, which I crit-murdered, but all the water Pokemon in the area made perfect prey for Palin the Roselia. I eventually slapped the EXP Share on Palin to help Cheddar gain some experience, though it was slow work. Cheddar evolved into Gastrodon though, so it was worth it.

I shouldn’t even bother talking about the gym. Cheddar swept everything with Surf and the occasional Mud Bomb. Onix and Steelix could barely touch her with their shitty attack, and the toughest Pokemon in the entire gym was the gym leader’s Bronzor because it kept Confuse Raying me and using Hypnosis. Oh, now that I think about, there was that shitty Skorupi too. I Surfed, got it down to red, and it used Acupuncture, raising its evasiveness. I shrugged at the time, not caring. My next Surf missed, I wasn’t that surprised. But then the next Surf also missed. And then the next. And then the next. I wasted seven Surfs and one Body Slam on this one fucking thing. Skorupi wasn’t a threat at all, of course, but still!

After I got my badge, the plot called and dragged me to the library and afterwards, to one of the Lakes. Cheddar mopped up all the trainers with the occasional help from Lucky the Murkrow. At the second lake, I despaired upon seeing the double battles ahead! Double battles were terrible in Nuzlocke. However, Cheddar and Palin handled them decently. It was Mars that was the problem. My rival Lucas just sat there like an idiot while I risked my Pokemon lives to battle Mars. He could’ve at least hit her over the head with a log or something.

I thought it was an easy battle once I disposed of Mars’s first two Pokemon, but then she brought out the Purugly. I was not impressed, especially when it kept Faint Attacking my dark-type. Lucky’s Fly threw it into yellow health, but the stupid Sitrus Berry healed it. Purugly decided to use Hypnosis and I once again cursed that Lucky didn’t have Insomnia. I didn’t bother to use a Full Heal, and just tried to wake up.

Then Purugly used Slash. I didn’t know it had a normal-type move. Lucky nearly went down to red, but held on. I healed him immediately. Purugly slashed again, and now I was in red. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have a Full Restore. I didn’t have any fodder with me. Slash had a high critical hit ratio. Everything was up to luck.

I used my last Hyper Potion, bringing Lucky up to full. Purugly used Faint Attack, doing little. I used a Full Heal. Purugly used Faint Attack again, bringing me almost down to yellow.

I tried to Faint Attack.

Purugly was faster. It used Slash.

I made a sound that was half-squeak, half-gasp.

The HP was going…

going…

LUCKY LIVED WITH 16 HP. My Murkrow crit-haxed that Purugly so hard that it left only a bloated, ugly corpse behind.

I told Rowan and Lucas to fuck off before flying back to Celestic Town. In my haste for the snow routes, I forgot to stock up on healing items and had absolutely zilch, though I wouldn’t realize this until half-way through the cave. None of my Pokemon could use Rock Smash so I dragged a corpse behind me and smashed it into rocks that got in my way. It worked pretty well. I descended into Mt. Coronet’s deeper caverns, and once my running shoes touched the bottom, I thought: ‘Oh god, who puts fucking fog in a cave?’

I didn’t know where the Defog HM was and I was too lazy to go get it anyways, so I continued on.

I may have gotten lost for five minutes, but who cares about that! I found a wild Clefairy! … I couldn’t catch it, but it was still a shock to see one. I didn’t know they were even in Sinnoh. I also found a Full Restore, which I took with relief. Now I could heal my Pokemon if I got into any trouble! Not even a crit could kill me now … D8

I got to the surface. It was evening in-game and it was snowing. Yay. I should have been happy about (potentially) finding an ice-type in the grass, but I already had a grass-type and a dark-type, so having an ice-type with one of those dual natures would be repetitive.

Little did I know…

Team:
Lucky (Murkrow, Level 39).
Cheddar (Gastrodon, Level 37).
Palin (Roselia, Level 36).

Box:
Klael (Zubat, Level 14).
Sorrows (Magikarp, Level 22).
Anya (Drifloon, Level 23).

Rest In Peace:
Calz (Starly, Level 15).
Ollie (Machop, Level 5).
Drome (Budew, Level 10).
Ashaya (Meditite, Level 19).
LT2000 (Ponyta, Level 22).
Lutris (Prinplup, Level 27).
MattSilver (Luxio, Level 27).
Lungs (Chingling, Level 27).
Sree (Quagsire, Level 22).
LT2000 F (Ponyta, Level 26).

-

((Next time on a very special episode of Vira’s Nuzlocke Adventure: Diamond Edition! … An accident occurs and tears are shed. With the snow coming in and with trainer Pokemon levels being stupidly high, will Vira and her team be able to pull together in time?! Find out!))

 

Oh man lol you have to run Snowpoint City with 2/3 of your team weak to Ice? That sucks.

BTW is there any reason you haven't evolved your Roselia?

 

You're all heart. Although I guess I'll thank you for naming a Pokemon that isn't Ponyta after me. Similar name+being the fire gym leader for DLP shall no longer cause that unfortunate naming scheme I hope.

Decided to run a Nuzlocke myself. Pokemon Ruby is from my favorite Gen so let's go with that one.

------------------------

Arrived in Littleroot Town after sleeping the back of the moving van for the entire trip since Johto. Because sitting in the front and watching your mother hit on the driver just isn't kosher. Especially since Dad is a goddamn Gym Leader over here in Hoenn.

Anyway after setting the time on the clock I headed over to the neighbors house to maybe catch their daughter getting dressed. No such luck this time. However it seems that she's kind of an airhead so I'm not tossing out the possibility in the future.

Got distracted on the way back across the street by a guys screams. Seems that the guy is being chased by a Poochyena. He tells me to grab one of his Pokemon and who am I to turn away the chance to gain a Pokemon. Grab Treecko because its gigantic eyes will not stop following me and if it's facing something else it isn't looking at me. Found out that this wasn't the case fairly quickly however as it's only attacking move Pound is used with its tail... meaning that it turns around to look at me every time it attacks.

After saving the man's life he generously says that I could keep the Pokemon I used. Like I would have given it back anyway. If he would have tried to take it back I would have tied him up and thrown him back to the Poochyena. When I go to name the Treecko I realize that it's female and its staring takes on a whole new level of uncomfortable. So I name it Stalker.

---------

More to follow

 

Fucking depressing, I started a Nuzlocke on HeartGold because my SS broke and fucking amazingly my HeartGold works fine. After I beat the first gym though, it breaks and I hadn't saved yet so fucking hell. I am gonna stick to my DS from now on and start a Black 2 run tomorrow. Vira I better not have died to some faggoty ice type D8

 

Starting out a Gold Nuzlocke because lulz. I picked Cyndaquil, because fuck yeah fire starters, named him Moarian in the hopes that it'll inspire Roarian to evolve to Moarian. Ran some errands, beat up a kid named Crazy Horse, bribed my mom not to fuck the next door professor, and went out into the world.

First pokemon on Route 29 is a level 3 HootHoot...who dies to a crit tackle. Hope this is not a trend. I leave off of getting the early geodude from route 46, because I want to save that route for later, just in case. Route 30 yields a level 4 Rattata, who doesn't die immediately to my slightly overleveled Moarian, and I catch him quickly. I name him Joey in honor of my dearest friend from previous games. Next route gives me a Spinarak, which I've never used before, but it looks useless. Go go Polandball! Time to heal up, train some more, then hit up Sprout Tower.

TIME SKIP

Bell Tower tried to give me another Rattata, but fuck that bullshit. Polandball ate it for some exp. Is a Gastly too much to ask for? All in all, Bell Tower was just a lackluster experience, as I let Polandball grind up to 10, and then set Moarian on them. Burned that place to the ground like an avenging fire God or something...

Falker better provide a goddamn challenge.

TIME SKIP

Falkner did not provide a goddamn challenge. The only thing difficult is having to hold Moarian back from evolving, because fuck yeah, I love hitting that one Miltank with a Flame Wheel. You know the one. Route 32 is where things start to get real. Murder another less-than-top-percentage Rattata as my first find, and proceed to RAGE SO HARD THAT TEXAS HAD AN EARTHQUAKE as a sexy sexy Wooper shows up, not even 5 steps away. I have a number of scares with the trainers, as I accidentally started Polandball against a Birdkeeper, and a Fisherman's Goldeen nearly murders Joey with a well-timed Confused status. Polandball's buggy defense makes me damn near positive he's going to be my first casualty. Maybe it'll motivate UKBall and FranceBall to intercede? Union Cave is looking more and more terrifying without a grass or a water type.

TEAM CUSTER:
Moarian (Level 16 Cyndaquil)
Joey (Level 12 Rattata)
Polandball (Level 12 Spinarak)

 

So, after a bit of training, Vash the Ekans was finally ready for combat. I knew that the pissant was waiting for me at the edge of town, so I made sure everyone was amply prepared to thrash his Pokemon. And sure enough, he was waiting at the base of the bridge, his mutated bird ready and waiting.

Fortunately, a quick toss of a rock sends the Pidgeotto tumbling, Torak's Hyper Fang splinters his Squirtle's shell, Vash eats the Abra for lunch and then follows up with his rat for dessert. The pissant runs off like the little bitch that he is, and I continue up the bridge. And, of course, the bridge falls very quickly, with very little issue.

Unfortunately, my streak of luck runs out as I wander into the tall grass on Route 24. No Abra or Oddish for my trouble, instead I run into a fucking Kakuna, which Irene confuses out of existence. Route 25 is better, as I run into an jolly Oddish I name Palindrome. She'll be my one big hope against Misty...

Palindrome the Oddish lvl 18
Poytin the Spearow lvl 19
Kalas the Geodude lvl 19
Vash the Ekans lvl 19
Mattsilver the Charmeleon lvl 19
Irene the Butterfree lvl 20

IN BOX
Torak the Rattata lvl 20

EDIT: so after talking to Bill's antisocial ass (seriously, where the fuck else do you find people who just give away cruise tickets?), I wandered into the overgrown swimming pool that was Misty's gym. And completely unsurprisingly, both of her trainers go down like the little bitches they are to Palindrome's Absorb. And there, eyeing me with that strange mix of coyness and fury that seems to be particular to her character, was Misty in a thong bikini. If I was into underage tail, I'd tell her to bend over and taste my Hydro Pump, but I do have more class than that - well, almost.

Her Staryu takes a little longer than I'd like to go down - which I think is a rather apt metaphor for the trainer using it. Her Starmie, however, makes things significantly more tense - by which I meant that Palindrome had to put the multi-pronged jeweled dildo to sleep with roofie powder before nailing it with Absorb about four or five times. It got alarming close as Palindrome nearly toppled due to Swift, but by the end, the Starmie returned to the ass from whence it came and I got the Cascadebadge even as Palindrome evolved into a slightly more depressed flower.

So, after that adventure with the water polo whore, I ventured north-east through some guy's house that had gotten ransacked. Odd they'd let me wander through open crime scenes, but as I hoped through the open hole that had been blown in the wall, I found a black-garbed emo git-piston who had stolen the TM, so apparently this Rocket Grunt had an air-cooled brain. Lo and behold, I now had the TM for Dig, which I promptly ignored as I trudged down Route 5, where I encountered a female Pidgey. So Vira joined my party and will likely only be used in the possible chance Poytin (who had evolved into a rather magnificent, if Hasty Fearow) gets KO'ed by some bitch of a Graveller somewhere.

But on Route 6, tragedy struck. A critical hit courtesy of some infernal Squirtle brings down Vash in a haze of chomping maws. Infuriated, I dispatched Irene to Confuse the retarded little reptile out of existence. The rest of the Route went without trouble, the Oddish discovered in the wild grass shredded beneath Torak (who was returned to the party) and his mighty Hyper Fang. Glad he's eating his vegetables.

And with that, I made it to Vermillion City, where I was greeted with the crackle of electricity, the clinking of margarita glasses, and the stomping of some Machop on the north-eastern corner of town (honestly, they didn't even build anything there in G/S, opportunity completely missed). Best of all, some foxy purple-haired girl in the Pokemon Center gave me a VS Seeker, which makes this quest INFINITELY EASIER.

Also, Diglett's cave is a great place to train flying Pokemon, and though I snagged a female Diglett (who I named Lyndon Eye because why the fuck not), I'm primarily going to use it as a place to turn Poytin into a Drill Pecking monster. The journey continues!

PARTY:

Poytin the Fearow lvl 21
Irene the Butterfree lvl 20
Torak the Raticate lvl 20
Mattsilver the Charmeleon lvl 20
Palindrome the Gloom lvl 21
Kalas the Geodude lvl 21

BOX:

Lyndon Eye the Diglett lvl 15
Vira the Pidgey lvl 15

RIP:

Vash the Ekans lvl 20

 

As our adventure last left off, Gary had sauntered away spitting out the taste of King Henry's royal feet. And so, 'tis time to challenge Ye Olde Nugget Bridge. Several other mook trainers get to kiss King Henry's feet, and then Xavier the Pidgeotto swaps in to gain some experience as well.

The Clash at the Nugget Bridge is over soon enough, and at the end I receive a shiny Nugget and an invitation to join Team Rocket. As if, that uniform is the definition of douchebaggery (the second one listed in the Kanto dictionary, behind 'Oak, Gary'). He's mad now and he's going to make me an offer I can't refuse.

It is an offer to whip his ass, and I can't refuse. Kiss King Henry's royal feet, peasant.

Many trainers along the route to Bill's nerd cave. But prior to that, Route 24 for a capture attempt. Good chance at a Grass type here, but instead a Venonat appears. Not a bad option as Venomoth can function as a decent Psychic user. Imago the Venonat will merit consideration, but I want to wait and see what I get on the upcoming routes that have actual Psychics before I decide on that. Also grab Charmander, but that can't be used and doesn't count against my wild captures.

Good experience all around along Route 25. No wild capture here, would rather come back and fish up a Krabby or Kingler later. So inside Bill's house, there is a Pokemon. That seems to be Bill. Yes, Pikachu, I too am bamboozled. And out of Pokeballs, so Bill is spared from slavery this day. Being a good Samaritan, I use the DNA whatchamacallit to return Bill to being human. And get a ticket to the S.S. Anne.

Such an adventure. And now I arrive too late to stop a robbery, but not too late to whip the guilty Rocket's ass and lay hands on the loot. Dig TM, wish Nidoking were able to learn it.

Route 5, come on Abra. Yeah right. Fucking Pidgey, killed with extreme prejudice.

Vermilion City has a Fisherman, my natural nemesis. But this one is a good Fisherman and gives me an Old Rod. I've been waiting for this. Immediately dip that line into the harbor waters and pull up Leviathan the Magikarp. Shit's on now, bitches. Hide your women, Gyarados is coming.

Route 11 is nice to me. Instead of the likely Pidgey or Rattata, a wild Drowzee appears. Caught and named Dr. House. So I guess Venonat won't be getting used after all.

Now it's time for training. Drowzee is a much easier task and is done first. After grabbing my Bike Voucher as a not good enough reward for having to listen to the Pokemon Fan Club Chairman drool over the idea of having Rapidash cock stuck in his ass, back to Cerulean to get that million yen bike.

From there, it's back to Route 25 to train Dr. House. The abundance of Poison types here (Oddish, Bellsprout, Venonat) make for very easy training. Doesn't take much time to get House up to par with the rest of the team.

And then the long part. Into Diglett's Cave with Leviathan the Level 5 Magikarp taking point. A long time spent here using the switch tactic (no Exp. Share in the gen, kiddies) to level Magikarp using Pidgeotto to kill the Digletts. First one encountered, however, is caught and named Hans.

Fast forward well over an hour, Leviathan becomes his namesake. Gyarados is immediately taught Bubblebeam via TM and easily handles the rest of his training on his own. For some reason, his presence brings out the rare wild Dugtrio in droves and makes the process even quicker. Xavier the Pidgeotto is now boxed. I have enough Pokemon to keep myself from overleveling to the point of my monsters getting disobedient and I have no desire to waste more time and experience on the shitty generic bird.

And then, ahoy maties. It be time to board the S.S. Anne!

Plenty of suitable trainers here. Pikachu and Dr. House get the bulk of the work. 26 is a lucky number, as Pikachu learns the almighty Thunderbolt and Dr. House evolves to Hypno at that level.

Blue again. Pikachu eviscerates his entire team with divine justice (aside from Sandshrew, which gets to be Gyarados bait). Before Blue leaves, I run into the Captain's room, grab that trash can full of puke and unload it onto his spoiled head. Loser.

Cut HM gotten from El Capitan. And now it's on to return America to the Empire.

Kiss King Henry's feet, Lt. Surge. Surge only has the one Raichu, which exhibits retarded AI and tries to Thunderbolt my Nidoking. Herp derp. King Henry gives Raichu a royal Thrashing. Lt. Surge has to kneel to the crown and give up a Thunderbadge and his prized Thunderbolt TM as tribute.

Three badges down, a quick detour to grab the Flash HM and we're on the road to Rock Tunnel. Pick up Squirtle on the way out of Vermilion, into the no-use box. Route 9 gives another Nidoran Male, which is killed according to the rules. Route 10, to the east, plays the odds straight and gives me Popeye the Magnemite. Popeye stays in the rotation for the moment to play the role of Flash slave. And into the darkness we go...

...Next time.

Team

Pikachu - 29
Henry VIII (Nidoking) - 28
Leviathan (Gyarados) - 27
Dr. House (Hypno) - 28

Box

Viceroy (Metapod)
Scabbers (Rattata)
Neclord (Zubat)
Salvatore (Spearow)
Imago (Venonat)
Xavier (Pidgeotto)
Hans (Diglett)

Non-Usable Box

Bulbasaur
Charmander
Squirtle

 

Well, grinding through Route 11 went fairly well. Didn't encounter a Drowzee, much to my disappointment, and Torak ripped to shreds the Spearow that appeared in his place. Either way, enough levels were accrued to prepare me enough for the cruise liner.

And, unsurprisingly, the SS Anne wasn't a challenge at all. Pretty much every encounter wasn't a challenge - although it did prove exceptionally frustrating that I missed the party and got mistaken for a waiter. Lady, you're the one providing the cherry pie, not me. But I hear that the captain might have a valuable tactic.

Oh goddamn it, it's the pissant, trying to be suave speaking French and all that nonsense. And of course, he opens up with his giant mutated bird - which Kalas hurls a rock at and sends straight into the ground. Palindrome sucks the life out of the Wartortle without issue and though I don't have anything with Bite, Kalas manages to level the Kadabra with a single attack. And the Raticate goes down without any issue, leaving the pissant to slink away, his tail firmly tucked inside his anus.

The Captain seemed to be a nicer chap, passing over the Cut HM with only a handjob - wait, no, a backrub as payment. In any case, after one look in the trash that made me sick to my stomach, I hopped off the SS Anne for good. I missed the beach volleyball game, but you can't get everything.

And since Kalas is reaching critical mass, he's used in Surge's gym - and effectively reduces everything in it to complete rubble. Fun stuff indeed. And so wiping Surge out and picking up Flash on Route 2 (bunch of leveling for Poytin in the Diglett Cave in the mean time), I wandered over to Route 9, where my story continues...

PARTY:

Poytin the Fearow lvl 26
Irene the Butterfree lvl 25
Mattsilver the Charmeleon lvl 25
Torak the Raticate lvl 25
Kalas the Graveller lvl 29
Palindrome the Gloom lvl 25

 

So yeah. I've missed Nuzlockes. I'm now deleting the save I have on White 2 (Having only played a quarter of the game) and doing one from scratch. It'll be more of a challenge because I genuinely haven't the foggiest about what comes after let's say, driftveil city.

---------- Post automerged at 08:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:40 PM ----------

Step one: Delete old game.
Step two: Start new game.
Step three: OF COURSE I WANT A FUCKING POKEMON, MOM.

So I strut out of my house in some backwater shit hole leaving my cunt of a mother bleeding for daring to ask if I knew how to open my bag. I have to find this Bianca slut, whoever the holy fuck she is.

I walk up the stre- Ah shite it's this douche. My Rival runs up to me talking shit. I can't remember his real name as i've been calling him Wargle for years because he looks like a fucking Wargle. Seriously. You should see this guy.

"Whine Whine Whine Whine I was molested by Team Plasma Whine."

Enough of this, onwards. The shithead's following me but whatevs. I can deal. We rock up to this big ass hill and there that Bianca slut is looking sexy as all hell. I'mma ruin this cunt. First thing's first though, I rip a pokeball out of her gash and open it up revealing a somewhat pathetic looking little blue... thing.

It'll do for now. To toughen it up I've named it Zordon. Because Fuck Yeah Zordon. Now to battle this Wargle cunt and his "Snivy that he raised from an egg." Where the fuck did he get a Snivy egg? Prick.

Zordon molests his Snivy in short order and he fucks off sharpish. Now it's just Bianca and I on the hilltop. I start to unzip my pants but she walks off telling me to heal my pokemon. I stow away my Serperior and wait for the day it'll be all up in that.

She shows me around town and a bunch of other shit happens. I can't remember exactly what because it was boring as hell and I was too busy wondering if she had a gag reflex.

I head out into the open wild of route 19 and prepare to catch some hardcore pokeshizzles. Bianca's here and gonna show me how to catch a pokemon. I don't pay attention. all I can think is that there are no witnesses around.

She fucks off and I see my first real Pokemon. Patrat. Well, I suppose the chances of a shiny Charizard on the first route were fairly low... I ball that little cunt and christen him CUNTKILLER. Seems fitting.



I'll report back later with the rest of my adventure when I'm less busy getting fucked up drunk and slaying bitches. <3

 

Inspired to do my own Yellow run by these magnificent gentlemen already on their merry way.

Doing it via emulator, with my 10x speed button right next to a and b, so I might cheat a bit by accident, if only because my right hand is tired. xD

Starting out, this music is just glorious on my non-gameboycolor speakers. It's like being in love all over again.

I walk calmly into Oak's lab, but my rival, Jew Oak is just standing around waiting with his shitty haircut, so obviously I decide to go into the tall grass without any Pokemon. Whatever. A level 2 Pidgey's never killed anyone.

And BOOM Professor Oak, also known to his friends by his first name, Batman, appears from his Dragonitemobile and runs after me, telling me of the dangers. He turns right, and instantly, one of the rarest Pokemon that can be encountered just decides to appear, because he's a boss.

Instead of weakening it like us mere mortals, he lobs a standard pokeball at the Pikachu and catches it on the first go. It's also his only pokeball. He probably left his collection of extremely expensive stuff on the Dragonitemobile.

I go to grab the Pokeball he's left on the table for me, and Jew Oak pushes me like, five feet. I slam into the wall and he grabs it. Oh, he'll pay for that...

I get a Pikachu. Yeah, buddy! I try to walk out of the lab... and... Jew wants to battle.

I'd forgotten how weird the Thundershock animation was. Well. I go first because Pikachu is lightning fast. His Eevee tail whips me, lowering my defense. Somewhere, my competitive pokemind is despairing what a critical STAB tackle can do to me, but I don't sweat it. And instantly, Pikachu gets a crit Thundershock, putting him into the orange. He tail whips me again. I hit another shock, putting him into the red. He... tail whips me again. Good night, cute Eevee. You could have been mine, if your owner hadn't been a little bitch.

Pikachu gains a level and he learns how to Tail Whip, I guess because he's been hit by it often enough to realize that he, too, has a tail. Jew surrenders his life savings of a hundred and seventy five bucks to me. Yeah, buddy! Besides, he owes me fifty bucks anyway.

Pikachu has begun to follow me around. I like this. He doesn't seem very happy with me though.

I manage to kill several Pidgeys in a single hit, and while I thought Ratata would hit me with a tackle or two, Pikachu paralyzes it with his first shock. I'd forgotten how potent status ailments were...

I head back to Batman's lab by jumping ledges and lo and behold, while I was running errands for his grandfather, Jew has been derping around Pallet town, probably having group masturbation sessions with kids who were only friends with him because his grandfather's Batman. I feel really sorry for that poor Eevee. You know what the Pokephiles like...

He tells me that his sister has a map of Kanto. Well, I haven't played stuff the weedle with her in several months, so I'm sure I can steal one from her while she's in a passed-out bliss.

...

Well, it appears that she was a little more feisty than I remembered. I, too, have to take a quick nap and by the time I wake up, she's up and about, making me a sandwich. I tell her about the Pokedex while eating and she gives me a map for doing what no other boys in the town could. I walk off and she waves tearfully.

I spend all my money on Pokeballs and Potions and walk off to face the Viridian Forest.

But wait. What's this? A secret passage to my left?

And... I meet a level 3 Mankey. Yeah buddy! I'm going to throw as many Pokeballs as I have at it, because Pikachu's just too strong for it at the moment... and it seems to have been caught instantly. Perhaps Batman's magic has rubbed off on me. I name him Paunch.

And all of a sudden, Jew is right in front of me. How did that even happen? I walk really, really fast. He must be borrowing the Dragonitemobile. Upon taking a look at my map, I realize that means he doesn't have to go through either Mt. Moon or the Rock Tunnel. What a dick.

He has a level 9 Spearow and a level 8 Eevee. Well. He's been busy. I knock out his Spearow in one well placed critical hit and Pikachu gets to level 8, learning Thunder Wave. Oh, he'll be sorry now.

Eevee comes out and I see the intense sadness in its eyes, common in both PTSD afflicted warriors and rape victims. I promise you, Eevee, it'll be over soon. It grins at me wryly, accepting its fate of being crushed by Pikachu. Of course, Pikachu doesn't have the same amount of empathy as I do (it's how I got Daisy after all) and jumps around, testing its electricity against pieces of grass and a tree or two.

Eevee, in his paralyzed state, tail whips me three times. His first tackle does over two thirds of Pikachu's health, but by that point, he's paralyzed and in the red. The final hit is almost an afterthought as he goes down.

I take Pikachu to the Pokemon center and after that, he's all smiles. I think we'll go far... I resolve to train Paunch a fair bit.

Immediately, it scratches a Ratata to death. I like this.

Currently:

Pikachu - Level 9 (16/11/23/15 - that's one fast Pokemon!)
Paunch the Mankey - Level 7 (17/10/17/11 - he'll hit heavy one day...)

 

Last time I left off, I had just entered the snowy routes and was happy about my existence. But we can’t have that, can we?

The first thing I did was explore a bit. It’s been years since I played Diamond and the snow routes are bigger than I remember. I climbed a couple staircases, crossed a couple bridges, and hey, look, there’s a trainer! Let’s battle them.

They had a Lopunny. I aww-ed a bit since they make a cute sound. Palin the Roselia was first because she was falling a tad behind in the leveling business. The Lopunny was faster than my Roselia, which was kinda surprising, and it decided to use Jump Kick. I was aghast. A martial arts bunny?! Palin went down to yellow HP. His Magical Leaf didn’t get Lopunny down to yellow health, and I’m like, ughhhh. The only healing item I had left was a Full Restore. I didn’t want to send out my Murkrow in case the martial arts bunny did something silly. I reluctantly used my last healing item on Palin, just to see what the Lopunny did.

The Lopunny used Dizzy Punch. My first thought: ew, confusion. My second thought: haha, it’s doing quite a lot to my Roselia, hahahaha, my Roselia died. D8

Dizzy Punch crit, though I’m sure the normal-type STAB didn’t help.

I brought Lucky the Murkrow out to murder the Lopunny. But by that time I was numb, and not just from the snow. I spent like an hour training that Roselia. ;_;

Obviously, I needed more Pokemon.

My first encounter of the route was a Machoke. I caught it and named it Chaos. It’s nature was Modest. The Machoke was definitely an abomination, but could be used as a meat-shield, so I wasn’t complaining. I went to the next route, avoiding all trainers, and found a male Medicham. It knew Hi Jump Kick, but Chaos took it without complaining. I caught him, and after a little thought, named him Asher. At the lakefront, my first encounter was a Sneasel. I really wanted a Snover, but no, the game gave me a Sneasel. Chaos the Machoke was still out front, and I’m surprised he didn’t die in all of this. I was certainly hoping he would. However, Chaos survived with red HP, and I caught the Sneasel, who I named Silens.

I wasn’t happy with my catches, but beggers can’t be choosers. I made it to Snowpoint and boxed Chaos, for future switch-bait. Silens the Sneasel remained on the team for little reason. Maybe if he proves to be useful, I won’t use him as death-fodder. I tested my Medicham out in the grass and wasn’t exactly impressed. I went back to town and explored a bit, finding a girl in a house that was willing to trade her Haunter for a Medicham. It was convenient, and it’ll probably backfire, but sure, why not?

Gaspar the Haunter didn’t evolve because he was holding an Everstone. :/

Otherwise, he seems pretty good. He comes with Shadow Ball which means I don’t have to waste a TM. Hopefully he’ll come in handy.

Team:
Lucky (Murkrow, Level 40).
Cheddar (Gastrodon, Level 37).
Gaspar (Haunter, Level 35).
Silens (Sneasel, Level 34).

Box:
Klael (Zubat, Level 14).
Sorrows (Magikarp, Level 22).
Anya (Drifloon, Level 23).
Chaos (Machoke, Level 34).

Rest In Peace:
Calz (Starly, Level 15).
Ollie (Machop, Level 5).
Drome (Budew, Level 10).
Ashaya (Meditite, Level 19).
LT2000 (Ponyta, Level 22).
Lutris (Prinplup, Level 27).
MattSilver (Luxio, Level 27).
Lungs (Chingling, Level 27).
Sree (Quagsire, Level 22).
LT2000 F (Ponyta, Level 26).
Palin (Roselia, Level 36).

 

So I'm walking around training Zordon and CUNTKILLER on the first route when some fucking ginger prick jumps of a MOTHERFUCKING CLIFF and is all like, “come back to my place.” I do what any kid at that age would do and follow him. Naturally I'm big time disappointed as he tells me to go find my “friend” WARGLE and give him my spare map. I agree because what else could I do with the useless piece of parchment shit. Still though; I don't forget the slight. I'mma rape you, Alder.

I run out on to Route 20 and meet some uppity little cunt who CUNTKILLER destroys without a second though. Then I delve into the grass hoping for a dratini or some shit but coming up with a lack lustre Purrloin who I ball and name PurpleSmke in honour of my recent decision to quit smoking. And Deep purple's song, Smoke on the water. Because smoking is bad kids, mmkay? (I'd suck dick for a drag right now.)

So after a little training I rock up to Floccesy ranch and meet up with WARGLE. Naturally, he's being a bit of a cunt so I unleash the terror that is CUNTKILLER. His Snivy is begging for the sweet release of death before the end.

Out of nowhere this country looking dude and his wife rock up. She sees me and immediately leaves a fucking wet trail behind her like a Gastrodon but I don't notice because she gives me a potion and I'm a courteous bastard like that.

WARGLE volunteers us for some bullshit mission to find some dog so I go with him. While he looks for the dog I have free reign to scour the Hobbit's land for all sorts of tasty pokeshizzles while massacring the majority of the fauna in the area.

As it turns out instead of the Mareep or Riolu I was hoping for I get a fucking Lillipup who I name Mouse. Win some lose some. Though in this case I lost hard.

While doing a little training/murdering I find out a disturbing fact. CUNTKILLER, unlike Zordon Purple or Mouse... is a complete fucking psychopath who has an alarming tendency to crit pokemon to death. Like all the fucking time.

Anyway I roll through the ranch finding the bitch's dog and scaring away some guy dressed like a really camp Rocket Grunt. I get back to town just in time for that weird ginger guy to get all up in my grill again. I'd ring his bells but I have a feeling he'd curbstomp me so I'm shelving the idea for now.

I meet some weird guy who's insistent on giving me medals.

I approve of this. I am awesome. I want more medals.

I rock up to the gym in my hometown and some squinty fucker named Cheren is the guy holding my badge for me. Apparently he's a big deal or something. Not to CUNTKILLER though who BIDEs his time and wrecks the cunt. (Get it? BIDEs? I'm a hoot.)

I take the badge and am merrily on my fucking way when Bianca strolls up dragging that ripe gash behind her. I get ready to pounce but Squinty McNeedledick comes out to greet her. Clearly they have some history. As soon as she spotted him the smell of the coast magnified tenfold.

Yep. Cheren is now on my shitlist.


Livelist:

Zordon Lvl 15
CUNTKILLER Lvl 11
Purplesmke Lvl 10
Mouse Lvl 4

 

LOL, please. You know Cheren's just keeping the seat warm while Black's off doing...whatever the fuck he was doing during B2/W2. Though if Black has any taste he's probably doing Professor Juniper instead.

 

So I never touched BW:2 as I wasn't the slightest bit interested. I picked it up over the holidays and decided to blind Nuzlocke it. We'll see how this goes.

Recap:

Got Asmodeus the Snivy. Crushed Farmer Joe and his stupid little pig.

Head North and Cosmo the Purrloin joins the party. Better then a Patrat.

Beat up a few Youngsters and is that.. Alder already? Might be a new record for how early you meet the Champion. I follow him for some training? Which turns out to be finding some farmers Lillipup. Joe felt right at home.

On the way completely blanked that I was on a new route and killed a Pidove. Fairly sure it had Super Luck.. but thats ok, when I made it to the ranch A MOTHERFUCKING RIOLU APPEARS! MOTHERFUCKING YES. WELCOME TO THE TEAM BISHOP. Also Team Plasma goon.

Head back to the home city which randomly has a gym now. Kinda cool. And lol, Cheren's the gym leader. Kind of a step down from the Elite 4 eh bro?

This is where things started getting scary. Cheren is the normal gym now, not Lenora. She retains Lenora's BS though, with tanky Normal types who just use Work Up for three turns and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. To early for Rock types and Bishop doesn't even have a fighting move yet. I end up sacrificing Cosmo to buy me some time and even then the only reason I won was a 100% to 3hp Bishop counters King gambit on that fucking Lillipup.

Run and grind to the next city. On some NPC's advice I go down to the Docks or something to look for a Magnemite. Instead I grab Dante the Magby. Frig this is going to be a good run.

Head up to the Poison Gym (lol) expecting a cakewalk. Koffing's that dont use SD and a lot of Bugs. Lololol.

Livelist:

Asmodeus the Snivy lvl 19
Bishop the mofo Riolu lvl 20
Dante the Magby lvl 19

Sacrifices for the Greater Good:
Cosmo lvl 9 Purrloin

 

I EAT SOULS

 

Spelunking in the Rock Tunnel with Popeye the Magnemite lighting the way. Doesn't take long to run into a wild encounter. Another Zubat, I'm sure. Except it's not a Zubat. Ozark the Geodude is the next man in the box. Not the Machop I was hoping to get, but it'll do in the event something untoward happens to King Henry.

It also doesn't take long to realize that the retarded encounter rate in this dump is going to drive me batshit crazy. So I retreat with an Escape Rope and return to Cerulean to stock up on Repels. Ten of them ought to be enough.

Nothing eventful to describe inside Rock Tunnel. Just leveling on Trainers. I'm on the other side soon enough, and after passing quickly through an eerie little town with an ominous-looking tower, I decide to head westward into Route 8. Hopes of adding a powerful Abra to the team are again covered in Rattata shit. Cleaning myself off, I head into a subterranean tunnel that will bring me out just east of Celadon City and the beautiful Erika.

But first, Route 7. A hop into the grass reveals yet another Rattata. Starting to get real unlucky with the repeats here.

Much to do in resplendent Celadon. First, into the Department Store to do somedat shoppin'. I purchase a Thunderstone to evolve Pikachu, but he hisses and squeals and generally ain't havin' none of that shit. Next to the roof to supplement my diet with a variety of nutritious beverages. These are also known as bribes. One of each to a little girl with a bladder of steel, it seems, in exchange for some downright bitchin' TM's.

Leviathan learns Ice Beam. Henry VIII learns Rock Slide. Boss.

Next to Pokemon Mansion, through the backdoor to steal an Eevee. Can't use it, but the little bugger has a reaction to that Thunderstone and swipes it to become Jolteon. Now to the Pokemon Center to box Jolteon and bring out Hans the Diglett, Cut Slave of the People and out to explore Route 16.

Or I would, if there weren't a big fucking Snorlax blocking the road. But I can cut down a bush to reach a patch of wild grass where Doduo have been known to reside. But instead I run across a Spearow, making this three goddamned routes in a row spoiled by repeat encounters. At least I get the Fly HM from some reclusive bitch in a cottage.

But now it's time to claim my hare...Rainbowbadge. There is a dirty old man peeping into the gym. Move aside, pops, and make room for someone who can still get his up. Bah, sit there then you prune-gobbling nincompoop. You can watch me have sex with the girl you're drooling over.

Dr. House gets point, to use that long Hypno nose of his to sniff at the abundant female crotch to be had here. As far as the battling is concerned, almost all these Grass types are part Poison and thus easy pickings for House's Confusion. Leviathan tags in as I hack down a small bush and push into the gym leader's inner sanctum. And no, I wasn't talking about Erika's naughty place, you filthy-minded fuckheads.

Gyarados mows down the remaining underlings with his new and powerful Ice Beam, and it's time to challenge the seemingly narcoleptic Erika. It's alright, sweetheart, a lot of women dream about me.

Ice Beam takes more than one shot to down all three of Erika's Pokemon, but the game seems to ignore its Water typing and calculate damage solely based on its Flying part, so Erika's counters are ineffective. Her Gloom does manage to do some damage with Petal Dance after putting me to sleep, but I have plenty of healing items regardless and Leviathan wakes up after two hits to end the battle with Ice Beam.

I receive a wealth of rewards: the Rainbowbadge, a Mega Drain TM and a promise of a date with Erika if I clean out the Rocket infestation in town. I don't like these kind of preconditions, but I am supposed to be the hero.

Team Rocket is none too clever about hiding their hideout. An easy shakedown of a grunt in the not suspicious at all Rocket Game Corner leads me into a basement stronghold. Onward, ho.

After beating up a great many Rattatas and Zubats and Ekanses and the occasional Sandshrew and Drowzee, navigating those retarded arrow panels and getting the elevator key, it's down to throw down with Team Rocket's boss.

But first, the cartoon clowns make a return. King Henry's royal feet, kiss them. Team Rocket is blasting off again.

Man oh man, who the Hell is this stereotyped mob boss? I can smell the grease seeping from his hair all the way across the room. Gyarados makes short work of Giovanni. Silph Scope is gotten. Yes, it can be, Giovanni. Get the fuck out of my town, you damned mamaluke.

Back to Celadon Gym to collect my prize. Oh dear, it seems to place is blocked off by police due to that peeping tom from earlier. I'll just have to take a raincheck on that date then.

To Lavender Town!

As the hero, I suppose I have to do something about that haunted tower. Le sigh. Oh, it's Blue. Sadly not a ghost, though I'd be happy to help the process along. Kiss King Henry's royal feet, you knave. At least I think I used Henry to beat him down.

Many ghosts, one of which is an adorable little Gastly named Cao Cao. Climbin' the tower.

At the end, Jessie and James appear again. So soon after their last beating. They must have developed a taste for King Henry's feet. Another sampling, then, and they're blasting off again. Hopefully right into the sun this time.

Mr. Fuji (not the old wrestling manager, though that would be amazing) gives me a Poke Flute. Useful for waking up Snorlaxes, or so I hear. Time to test that out on the one blocking the southern path into Vermilion. It works, and the big bastard is caught and named Behemoth and added to the group. Fuck. Yeah. Snorlax.

Behemoth is a little behind in level, so he gets the bulk of the work as I march towards the southern city of Fuchsia. Along some other other route there I grab an Oddish named Mandrake. Box fodder, no need for a Grass type now.

And so we arrive in Fuchsia City. Go on safari! Learn secret ninja technique! Use mystical transformation to change appearance into Blue right before Koga walks in on me with his hot daughter spread wide on the tatami! Go ninja go!

All preparations complete. Into Fuchsia Gym. I use my shinobi stealth to sneak towards Koga's location.

And by that, I mean I send my big fat fucking Snorlax rumbling through the gym and slamming his massive girth against any Juggler or Tamer that dares not make way. Like I said, stealth.

Koga...holy shit dem levels. 18 level jump between Erika and Koga in level. His Venomoth is Level 50. My highest is Level 38. But Dr. House is up to the task.

Psychic puts down all three of Koga's Venonats without issue. Venomoth is out last and opens with Leech Life. 18 level advantage, STAB and type advantage all amounts to less than 30 damage to House. Ha ha ha Leech Life. Psychic drops Venomoth low.

Koga must have taken strategy lessons from Naruto, because he spends his next turn popping an X Attack and leaving his ace wide open to be ended with Psychic. Suck my cock'ttebayo. Believe it!

I have a Soulbadge. And it's time to put on my safari hat. Later.

Team

Pikachu - 38
Henry VIII (Nidoking) - 36
Dr. House (Hypno) - 38
Leviathan (Gyarados) - 38
Behemoth (Snorlax) - 38
Xavier (Pidgeotto Fly Slave) - 28

Box

Viceroy (Metapod)
Scabbers (Rattata)
Neclord (Zubat)
Salvatore (Spearow)
Imago (Venonat)
Hans (Diglett)
Popeye (Magnemite)
Ozark (Geodude)
Cao Cao (Gastly)
Mandrake (Oddish)

Non-Usable Box

Bulbasaur
Charmander
Squirtle
Jolteon

 

I ship Black/White.

Sasuke Cheren can have their trio's version of Sakura.

 

LOL, well I certainly don't ship Black/Bianca, but I still like to imagine he at least took her the one time so as to relegate Cheren to sloppy seconds.

 

Haven't made too much progress these last couple days (laziness plus finally going back to work after a short period of downtime) but I'll update where I'm at anyway.

So it was into the Safari Zone. Rules here are that I can take my pick of whatever I come across in a single bought safari game. So I'm going fishing for dragon worm thingies. Doesn't take but a couple ignored Magikarp to come across a pretty little Dratini. Toss a rock at it, watch it get all mad and hiss at me and then catch it in a Safari Ball. Boom. Ophis the Dratini caught. Hard to imagine a better backup than a damned potential Dragonite in the box. I could use it I guess, but dat work.

After getting Ophis, it's just a matter of navigating the Serengeti or whatever. Ew, it's a pair of gold teeth on the ground. Obviously I should keep these, right?

Those gold teeth were actually a shining gold beacons leading me to the secret prize house where I get HM 03. Fuck yeah Surf. Fuck no, Pikachu can't learn it. I seriously thought the special Yellow Pikachu could learn Surf. My memories said so, and even the title sequence has a Surfing Pikachu. But my damned Nidoking can for some reason. Bah. At least Gyarados has his preferred Water rape move now. I really wanted something better than Swift for Pika's backup attack move.

So now I'm riding uphill on Cycling Road because that's what cool people do. Good God these trainer sprites. Did not need to see several big fat bald guys with huge codpieces and whips. Cannot unsee either.

Wild encounter here is a Doduo caught and named Boss Tweed. Don't fuck with Tammany Hall, bitches. He and Salvatore the Spearow, man. These birds are just sickening. Graft and corruption everywhere in the Kanto air. Though technically Doduo can't Fly. Or can he?

Plenty of levels gained due to those Biker Koffings and Weezings giving good experience. Once on the other side of Cycling Road outside Celadon, it's time to head into Saffron City and clean up Team Rocket for good.

But first, because it's more important, we have to fuck up some karate fags. Dr. House is the man for the job, and he cleans out the Fighting Dojo single-handed. I get a trophy Hitmonlee (like I would want their shitty dojo emblem anyway) that goes to the unusable box because it's a gift Pokemon.

Into Silph Co. where I beat up a lot of douchebags including Blue. Only noteworthy event here is getting the Earthquake TM, which goes onto King Henry and makes him an even bigger king boss. Speaking of Henry VIII, Jessie and James get to give the royal feet one last farewell kiss before blasting off for the final time. Giovanni gets his second beatdown from Leviathan the Gyarados and leaves, disbanding Team Rocket. Now if only Blue could realize his place and skedaddle too.

Also, I got a Lapras in here. Also into the unusable box.

Now, my best Pokemon are at Level 42. Sabrina is next with a Level 50 Alakazam in her team. Nothing to mess with. So it's time to grind.

...No, fuck that. I got this shit. Now inb4 epic ragequit when I get my pants pulled down and fucked raw in the ass via telekinesis.

Snorlax and Hypno tag-team Saffron Gym, with House blasting the ghosts with psychic energy and Behemoth blasting everything else with his fat belly. Soon enough, it's Go Time. Snorlax vs Sabrina. I had the idea of using Pikachu here and employing the same strategy I used at Cerulean Gym (max evasion setup with Double Team and sweeping behind virtual invincibility there). But, Snorlax needs to pop his Gym Leader cherry after all. And what better cherry to pop than Sabrina's?

Ha ha that sprite. You can tie me up and whip me anytime you want, babe.

I didn't use Pikachu here, but the same idea in general. Setup with Amnesia against Sabrina's harmless Abra. The bugger does manage to drop Behemoth's accuracy a couple times with Flash, but that's mainly annoyance.

From there, it's Body Slam time. Abra and Kadabra each go down with one hit when they get through (a couple misses, nothing unexpected due to the accuracy debuffs). Alakazam somehow tanks one Body Slam. Psychic does less than 30 damage behind that Amnesia wall. Awww yeah. Anyway, Alakazam does manage to Recover but not to full health and another Body Slam sends it packing.

That...somehow did not go wrong, amazingly. Marshbadge get.

And next it will be back home to merry Pallet Town and a Gyarados ride to the Cinnabar Island.

Team

Pikachu - 42
Henry VIII (Nidoking) - 42
Leviathan (Gyarados) - 42
Dr. House (Hypno) - 41
Behemoth (Snorlax) - 42
Xavier (Pidgeotto) - 28

Box

Viceroy (Metapod)
Scabbers (Rattata)
Neclord (Zubat)
Salvatore (Spearow)
Imago (Venonat)
Hans (Diglett)
Popeye (Magnemite)
Ozark (Geodude)
Cao Cao (Gastly)
Mandrake (Oddish)
Ophis (Dratini)
Boss Tweed (Doduo)

Non-Usable Box

Bulbasaur
Charmander
Squirtle
Jolteon
Hitmonlee
Lapras