One little continuity problem: Bellatrix kills Kingsley in the new chap. preview... this is inconsistent because Amelia killed Kingsley several chapters previous.

Also - already mentioned - your formatting could use some help.

 

That was a flashback to the old world.

 

new chapter

The New Chapter is (Finally) up at FFN. Let me know whatcha think


-Malice?

 

Very nice fight. I especially like the end. Want to know how she will resurrect him.

 

Like the fight scene, I cant wait for herman to prove that she's not such a dumb mud-blood after all!
and the jacks, ha, what a friggin great idea!

 

Another good chapter, although I think you overused all those soul magic spells. It got kind of annoying reading that Harry kept using the same type of spells over and over, needs some more variety like you had in the earlier duels. Nice work, though.

 

Yep. I agree with Lord Ravenclaw.

I had NO problem with the soul magic. Outstanding. I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell Dolohov was doing (and wasn't Lucius there?).

But Dolohov was especially useless. He'd kill people, then just not exist for a while in the story.

That was my biggest problem. Other that...AWESOME!!!

Update soon!

 

it makes sense that Dholov would kill someone and disappear.
Dumbledore said it himself,

He's like a Death Eater Ninja.

_MC

 

Well I just set aside a few hours to read this amazing story, I love it.
the whole "Jacks" idea was great, never would have thought of it.
and all the Harry/Bella dialogue is just fun to read.
The way the battles are described are also great, especially when Dumbles almost died. No useless spell casting as in other stories were people just throw spells around, it seems that each spell almost has a specific purpose in the course of the battle.
This story is one of the few that I actually took the time to read each word rather than just skim over them like i do most fanfiction nowadays.

and Harry/Bella, Well you just cant get enough when its done right, and this one is being done right, i must say.

 

Another excellent chapter. The battle scenes continue to be amazing, probably one of if not the best. The jacks idea was brilliant as well.

 

Finally got time to read this and got hooked right away. The fight scenes are extremely well done, what with the immersing imagery and the tactics included, which I've yet to come across elsewhere. 5/5 in my opinion. More points for no real character bashing.

I'd like to see more of this Snape though. I'm really into cloak and dagger stuff and him being a master assassin and all, well, I'm really interested in seeing how his character would be explored

I can't help but feel that if it succeeds, the ritual will backfire bringing back Lord V instead of this worlds Harry. Lord V is the only major character missing in this world, and with the hint of him somehow being able to resist going through the soul barrier, i see it more likely him coming back than this worlds Harry.

~M

 

I don't think Voldemort is coming back in this world. Unless Hermione ROYALLY fucks up when trying to bring back the other Harry. Which she probably will. I agree about the Harry/Bella conversations, they're really fun to read. I also like how neither one of them could really muster the effort truly befriend this worlds version of their friends. Harry kind of half assed it, and Bella only kind of thought about it for a bit.

They're not gonna get together because they love each other, but because they're the only one each other has.

 

Probably my most favorite story in a long time. It's an hp/bellatrix, but it stands out from the rest in a very good way.

Bellatrix isn't the typical Controlledbyanimperiouspotion!(lawl) or Zomgimreallygood! or mysoulisrentbykillingsiwwie!. She's evil, she's ruthless, and she really cares about nothing other than carnage. And unlike other fics when this is happens, she's actually given a significant degree of competance without seeming unrealistic.

Harry isn't a goody goody turning the dark witch to the light, and he isn't a full fledged dark lord who rapes kittens unlike many of these i've seen. Instead, while he's not resisting all that much, he's gradually falling into darkness, and while not evil per-say, he's brutally sadistic in a believable way, but he still has his priorities straight. Awesome story all around, but it has slow updates. Keep it up, author!

p.s. Sorry if anything seems jumbled, i've had like 5 hours of sleep in the past 2 days.

 

I agree with C.S. Kaniel this story is a great repersentaion of how Bellatrix should be. It's a gritty realistic story with a lot of action and intrigue. Also, the mudblood is insane and Harry doesn't care for her thank god.

 

Preview

Alright heres a brief preview of the next chapters. no promises as to when it is going to come out, but I'll try to finish it up soon. as usual let me know what you think. I will be spending about half of this chapter getting the view points of various parties on the battle/characters invovled in it (think Ron, Tonks, Rabastin etc.) in an attempt to bring in a few more characters with some amount of screen time.


Chapter 17: Dangerous Misconceptions: part 2

Rabastin watched the battle play out with morbid interest. The order of dark brethren, the proud death eaters who had once brought terror to world were imploding in on themselves without their rightful master to lead them. Lucius had his schemes, Dholov his illusions and Bella, in her treachery, that small, slip of an arch mage. Traitors all of them. Only he was loyal. Only he remembered the oath they all swore that night amidst the blazing flames of the first dark revel.


Rabastan was special, even amongst wizards. Cursed they had called him at Hogwarts, blessed within the private walls of the Lestrange Manor. No matter how one viewed his ‘talent’ it had shaped his outlook on life. The pureblood of the Lestranges was known to be especially unstable: the young age at which members of the ancient house underwent dark rituals meant that their effects were slowly and insidiously passed on to the next generation. They were not as far down the path of true darkness as the homicidal Blacks, but nonetheless the corruption of the dark magics had, by Rabastan’s generation, grown strong enough to impart strange abilities.


Their rituals were ancient, passed down from Father to Son even as the patriarch of their line Diamen the Strange, that mad arch mage who challenged the power of Atlantis with his killing curse, did to his heir.

Ever since that day death had been the calling of the Lestranges. Each of the great pureblood houses bore a certain moniker, a title awarded to them for some distinguishing deed after their line had attained ancient status at fifty unbroken generations. The Blacks were the most Ancient and Noble, so called after Augustus Black seized his brief dominion over all of England. The Bones were the most Ancient and Powerful; named for the recently deceased patriarch of the family Marshall Bones whose army of undead had held near a quarter of England against all comers until a certain up-and-coming light wizard shattered his power. The Lestranges were known as the most Ancient and Damned. Rabastan’s five times great grandfather had earned the title, laughing as he opened up a demonic portal in the midst of Paris.


Since then the moniker had held eerily true as generation after generation of insane Lestranges consorted with the darkest of powers and unleashed death upon the world. Rabstan was no exception. At the age of twelve he had nearly been expelled from Hogwarts for ‘accidently’ invoking a lesser imp in the middle of transfiguration. Only a capacious amount of money changing hands amongst the governors had saved him.


His parents had been both proud and horrified. The pureblood of Lestrange did not dishonor itself by being expelled from Hogwarts. Such a thing was unheard of. Restrain it they told him. Nurture the power in secret over the summer, safe behind the walls and wards of their ancient manor.


It had been torture to comply. The realm of underworld called to him like the suffering of others called to the Black sisters. Whispers, voices on the edge of his mind imparting terrible secrets that should never see the light of day. Whispers begging him to unleash them once more unto the world. They tormented him and elated him. He could feel their hunger. Feel their rage.


He knew he had been well along the path to madness when his Lord had found him. The blackest necromancy his Lord had undertaken had turned the once pathetic mortal who was Tom Riddle into something more. Something evil Rabastan could worship.


With a concrete object to hold his gift’s attention the voices had waned, retreating into the depths of his subconsciousness as his ‘gift’ basked in the raw black magic power of his master. The dark revels that the other foolish death eaters saw only as entertainment to feed their perverse whims were something more to an enlightened one such as he.


They were dark pacts for those who chose to embrace them, offering untold dark magics in exchange for undying loyalty. He and Rudolphus had taken the offer in an instant. For the longest time he had thought Bella must have as well, but recent events clearly showed that to be nothing more than a clever ruse by the admittedly brilliant witch.


No, Dohlov and Bella might be content to follow this newcomer, but for him there could be replacement, no substitute for the being that waited just beyond the veil. There had to be someway to bring him back. To unleash the dark lord once more upon the mortal world Rabastan thought with a sigh as he prepared to apparate away from the battlefield, not caring who emerged victorious. They would all fall before his lord in time.

 

Awsemoe, looks to be really interesting I can't wait for it to be finished!!

 

Rabastin
Rabastan
Rabstan

You seem to have some trouble settling on the spelling of this character's name. I noticed it in the chapters already posted and wasn't entirely sure if it was always the same character. It's a little confusing.

Love the story by the way.

 

Very nice written work.

One thing though: Careful on the Ministry of Magic depiction. Right now it looks like everything is corrupt, from Amelia (the top) to subordinates (like Kingsley). I'm pretty sure there are some true Aurors, hopefully for the magic world at least.

Also, a little heavy on the evilness of Amelia. She seems to be a more vindictive and powerful version of Fudge. Come to think of it.. so does Dumbles. You might want to try fleshing out their characters a little so they have their own style of manipulation. But great work on writing them.

I was very happy to see you actually put thought into some of the spell work of the battles - loved the analysis Moody gave on wand-hand position a couple chappies back. Some authors are lacking in that department.

You said you needed a goal for Harry? How about making his goal to look for a goal? Yes, that sounds stupid, but think about it! After Harry insults Bella in one of their fights, she insults him about his purpose in life - in which he pronounces he has a goal in the heat of the argument. When asked to prove it, he'll have to find a goal to keep his word - a very noble-ish Lion-y thing to do, right?

*shrug* ok, its late. fuck that idea. ahh good luck on trying to find harry a goal. (please don't make it politics though - bores the hell out of me)

great job in characterization and all that said above
5/5

 

Update

posted the new chapter on ff.net. not sure how I feel about it, but let me know what you guys think.

-Malice?