Title: Only You!
Author: potterheadcharles
Rating: T
Genre: Romance/Drama
Status: One-shot (Complete)
Library Category: Romance
Pairings: Harry/Narcissa
Summary: Harry was unable to save Draco from the fire in the Room of Requirements. When Narcissa comes to check if he is alive, Harry tells her the truth. What happens then? A Harry/Narcissa love story. One-shot.

FanFiction.Net

All right guys. This is my own story and I actually like it a lot. I think the summary is enough to give you an idea what this is about. Nothing fantastically new but nothing cliched either. It is a simple short sweet romance with a happy ending as I greatly dislike sad ones.

I was warned that posting your own stories might get you a more critical reaction but I am posting anyway. I just wish you would read it first. That's it.

 

HP Work by Author is where you should post it if you want a good critic. Quite frankly, unless this is something groundbraking - I doubt it is - it will be mercilessly slaughtered and ridiculed here. In WbA it would be only mercilessly criticized to make it better.

I'm off to read it.
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EDIT: Second paragraph/part and already I can't read it. The premise is so unbelievable I can't get past it. I have one question - did you write it because you wanted Harry paired with a MILF? If the answer is yes, than you could just invent your own OC.

 

Umm...its your decision to read it or not but I don't know what is so unbelievable in it?

And no, its nothing like that. I just read a very nice Harry/Narcissa story and wanted to write my own. Plus, I am not that good of a writer to pull of an OC who would get worth even 2 stars. Yet.

I am glad you read at least the first paragraph/part. Thank you very much.

 

Sorry, I tried to give it a read but I couldn't bring myself to like much of it. Narcissa was acting like a hormonal teenager throughout most of the fic and the writing just isn't very up to par. It felt like I was watching a bad chinese drama that airs on free tv. Sad to say that the best part of the fic was you using CRACK as a sound effect for Harry being slapped.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and nothing to be sorry about.
I know my writing isn't up to par. I have just started and I am sure I will progress. No one can become Loretta Chase in a day, now can they?

And yes, I liked that effect as well. Similar to lightning, isn't it?

 

You do know sarcasm, right?

 

I made it to:

Who happens to be her son; and is now dead. I hit the X after that.



A quick CTRL+F search showed that Tonks is mentioned once and so is Teddy. You know, if you wanted Harry and Narcissa to bond and become close. You could have done it over family matters. He's Teddy's godfather, she's his aunt. Maybe they met at Andromeda's when Narcissa tried to reach out to her estranged sister and salvage what family she had left?


Hit the WbA and try again.

 

Really people, that was a thought. One stray thought.

If you have problems with grammar, spellings, punctuation marks, etc. Tell me so. I very well know that there is a WbA section on this website to improve your story but this story will remain unchanged since I like it this way. That was the whole reason of putting it in the 'For Review' section.

If you are so busy of a nuthook to read 6000 words which are actually, and I know this, readable...then don't bother.

Honest criticism is welcome, idiotic advice isn't.

 

It's a callous thought. A complete empathy fail. Seeing as we're starting with canon Harry from the end of the DH you can see how this is, in fact, a serious OOC.

Want some constructive critique? Here:

Drop the Caps Lock.
""Poppy! Someone call Poppy!" Exclamation marks will suffice. You also don't have to repeat the name three times. Redundancy and all that.
Here's another one. IIRC, Harry never called Madam Pomfrey by her first name. Granted, it's been some time since I read the books, but still. Arthur Weasley is Mr. Weasley. Molly Weasley is Mrs. Weasley.

Another thing. If he's already running towards the infirmary then maybe he should shout: Make way, people! Move!

 

Look, it's a bit of a faux pas to post your own story in the review board (unless you're an established fixture of DLP/well-known author... and even then). It's really not a good move to just post your own story if you don't really know the culture here; as a whole, DLP is much more polite than it was a few years ago, but hackles tend to be raised in situations like this.

Even if you don't want to change anything significant about the actual story, the WbA is still where you should post. It's there for new authors to get honest/constructive criticism, and where people point out all those pesky grammatical errors.

 

I don't know that much about proposal speeches, but this is probably a stupidest one I've ever seen as of yet. This whole scene needs a rewrite, or deletion. I would delete it altogether.

A swear word in the proposal speech? Really?

Overall, I didn't like it all that much. Characters didn't seem like real characters, there were some awkward moments, and I noticed a little strange point of view switching there at the beginning (I am not sure if it's mistake or not). Also, I didn't like romance. One moment, Harry

Spoiler

uses Narcissa's guilt to kiss her

, and suddenly, Harry is proposing to her. 1/5.

 

D for dreadful.

 

This is how you do Harry/Narcissa story.

 

You're perfectly entitled to keep your story the way you want it, of course, but there's more to 'honest criticism' than proof-reading. But that's alright, because a cursory read of the first few paragraphs suggests there's plenty to comment on there.

So.

Author's note: 'tweeked' should be tweaked, although the note seems to be pointless, because the included passages are changed enough to be largely unrecognisable (which isn't a criticism, before you complain, just pointing it out).

Italicised passages:
- "Death, although, had other plans." Although should be however.
- "bout of flame" Should be gout of flame.
- "How could he tell a mother that her son is no more?" Should probably be 'was no more'. The confused tenses continue in similar vein for a lot of the next few paragraphs.

Reasonable point of divergence, I suppose. A few technical errors, and the writing style is a touch overwrought. Doesn't bode terribly well, but onto the story proper.

- I can just about buy Harry wanting to see/talk to Narcissa, but not being so keen on it that he spends half an hour wandering the castle to find her. Oh, wait. That's story critique, isn't it? Sorry.

- "Narcissa had slitted her hand and blood was pouring from her arm at a sedate pace." Should be slit, and I don't think her hand is the obvious bit to cut at. Also, pouring at a sedate pace? Nope. Doesn't work. Nothing about that works, to be honest - if it's pouring from her arm and Harry doesn't know how to heal it then chances are she's going to be dead before he can get her anyway. If it's merely trickling (much better for 'sedate pace') then it's not as urgent as you make it seem in the next scene.

- "Stupid woman. Killing herself. For Draco fucking Malfoy no less." Wow. Harry's suddenly a dick. Massively insensitive, and also out of character not just for canon Harry but for the Harry who's just spent half an hour or more wandering around the castle looking for someone he barely knows, presumably out of general compassion.

-"She wouldn't be. She'll go home with me." ...Right. Ok. Why, precisely? At this stage it looks like the only real canon divergence is Draco dying, so presumably everything else happened more or less as normal. So why's he not more concerned with, say, Teddy? I guess you could argue he'd go to his grandparents though. Perhaps catching up with Ginny? But that would get in the way of the budding milf-romance, so best not to go there, I suppose (I'm typing this as I read, so I might be doing you an injustice here, but I'm going to assume that whole aspect just gets brushed under the carpet). Ok. The whole point of the story is to build up Harry and Narcissa, but this is too much too soon. Oh. Shit. Sorry, started ragging on the story there. My bad.

Basically, your writing isn't great. Nothing wrong with that, you should see my first stories, if not my more recent efforts as well, but by putting the story up for review you're suggesting that you think your writing is really fucking good, which suggests either arrogance or ignorance in this case. Also, the story just doesn't work for the little bit I could be bothered to read. I'm going to assume it doesn't get much better. And saying you don't want people to comment on the story aspect? Don't fucking put it up for review then, you moron.

TL;DR: No.

 

You had me going there, Shinysavage.

Onto the story itself, yeah... no. The premise is far-fetched at best, as multiple people have already pointed, and just plain stupid at worst. There's multiple ways to get Harry with Narcissa, all of which require substantial buildup/writing skill, neither of which you seemingly possess. If you want a Harry/Narcissa hookup, dispense with all the pretense and simply leap into it. Harry is blatantly ooc, given that the divergence is as recent as the encounter in the RoR. Drakey poo? Seriously? I stopped about a couple of paragraphs in. This isn't close to the worst thing I've ever read, but as it is, it barely scrapes 1/5.

 

A sweet and simple romance in which Harry kidnaps a mentally unstable woman, coerces her into a sexual relationship, and then mocks her dead son to her face while celebrating the birth of their daughter.

How did you think any of this was a good idea?