1. Q3 - 2021 - Topic is AFTERMATH !
    The next competition topic is here! Go write, due end of September!
    Don't forget there's also a Flash Competition ongoing at present! Due in a few days!
    Click here for more!
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  3. DLP Writing Competition - Voting !!
    FIFTEEN ENTRIES! Rock on. Voting via poll - leave a simple one paragraph review/comment on each story!
    Voting will be done via two Rounds (b/c polls don't do 15 choices)
    Click here to participate!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice

WIP Parallel Journey by InkVirus - M

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by Rayndeon, Dec 24, 2020.

  1. Rayndeon

    Rayndeon Professor

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2008
    Messages:
    486
    Thread Title: Parallel Journey by InkVirus - M
    Title: Parallel Journey
    Author: InkVirus
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure/Drama
    DLP Category: The Alternates
    Pairing: None thus far
    Status: Work in Progress (about 68,000 words)
    Summary:
    Voldemort succeeded in acquiring the Philosopher's Stone, leaving Lily's sacrifice unaffected by his revival. In a last ditch effort to escape his fate Voldemort resorts to an esoteric ritual that rends Harry from the Universe. He awakens to an entirely different conflict with enemies turned ally, friends returned from the dead, and a pantheon of new players.

    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12807959/1/Parallel-Journey

    This is a story from 2018 that's been recently updating again that I've generally found to be enjoyable thus far.

    The plot premise in a nutshell is that an older Harry Potter that had to deal with a messier Second War faces Voldemort in a final confrontation, but he gets sent elsewhere instead. He ends up in functionally a new universe where Grindelwald defeated Dumbledore in the past, and the world is different from before.

    Magic is known to the world, and Grindewald has established his own "European Republic," effectively a Cold War - era style dictatorship, complete with propagandizing and the like to try to make it seem better to the outside world. Britain managed to hold out against the European Republic, and in the time since that's passed, Grindelwald's remained out of the public limelight. Dumbledore has taken on effectively mythic proportions within Britain.

    When Harry was transported into this new world, he eventually finds himself in the company of the British Director of National Security: Tom Riddle, and effectively the successor to Dumbledore's legend and magical prowess.

    After some back and forth, Harry essentially forms a reluctant alliance with the very different Tom Riddle, publicly his apprentice and the next successor to Dumbledore's legacy, but he otherwise acts as Riddle's black ops operative.

    The main draw of the story really I think is seeing the very different world Harry is navigating, and in particular his interactions with the counterparts from his original reality, who are both similar yet distinct in a multitude of ways. The principal relationship that I think the story really rests upon are the particulars of the uneasy alliance between Tom Riddle and Harry. Riddle isn't Voldemort or a Dark Lord here, but he still has signs of that same core personality to him as can be seen from time to time, though he's channeled it into effectively working for the interests of Britain and against Grindelwald no matter the cost.

    I also found this story somewhat amusing to come across, because I had a similar plot bunny in the past, with Riddle as the leader of the resistance movement against Grindelwald as part of an "Order of the Basilisk." This is not quite the same concept, but there are some neat parallels I found interesting.

    The current story arc has Harry going through providing assistance to Hogwarts students taking part in an international tournament held in the European Republic, as part of Grindelwald's attempt to rehabilitate his public persona and perception. Think Triwizard Tournament meets 1932 Berlin Olympics, with Harry acting both as mentor as well as black ops agent.

    In terms of overall enjoyment, I'd give this story a 4 out of 5. Nothing truly gripping or outstanding has occurred yet, but the story has continued to be consistently solid in my experience thus far.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2020
  2. Baradine

    Baradine Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2012
    Messages:
    265
    Gender:
    Male
    You should probably link the 1st chapter instead of the 10th, my dude.
     
  3. haphnepls

    haphnepls Fifth Year

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Messages:
    149
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Croatia
    Can't say I was overly impressed by this.

    I think author is using many words where few would do. The building of the new world is barely done at all, and they're doing the thing where Harry goes around to meet all these canon people, and discover their places in the new world which does nothing in the terms of plot.
    None of them seems to be much in the character either (which can be explained with the differences between the worlds, but then again, a bunch of OCs would do just about the same).

    While premise did sound like it had a potential, I found execution boring and not to my tastes.
     
  4. Distended Destiny

    Distended Destiny Slug Club Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2018
    Messages:
    191
    I've read all of the chapters.
    First, the shortcomings of this story.
    This story actively avoids speech and spells out actions. This is prominent in the first five chapters or so. Unneccessary description of mundane actions of the protagonist.

    I take issue with boost to muggles in this story, especially with the expulsion of wizards by muggles. They are used to artificially boost Britain's standing in the world, as well as provide an economic engine. My opinion is that this seems quite hamfisted. Wizards can simply transfigure/charm what they need, except food. I dislike that wizards are limited by the "amount" of magic they move around.

    Grindelwald's ideology seems to be misrepresented. He desired a sort of feudal society, with magicals ruling the muggles (in canon). It seems this is not the case in this story, though it is yet to be seen.

    The desire to use mundane as a standin for muggles is a mark down.

    There are several good aspects to this story though. Characterizations are OOC but believeable. I liked all of the characters presented. I like how there is a narrow focus on Harry and how the world is built up as the author moves him around. It beats encyclopedia dumps and 'the library' tropes.

    Tom Riddle is still a psychopath, but channelled in Britain's goals. James Potter seems to be just a cool father-uncle figure. Lily Evans is protective, but not possessive. I'd suppose Jimmy Potter is a reflection of Harry in the canon world. Daphne is not Ice Queen, but I like what is presented in this story. I like Draco and how he has been presented as the mild face of pureblood supremacy in school. Dean Thomas has become Dean Smith, possibly finding his father (related to Hepzibah Smith??). I'd say the reunion's gone awry and he hates all purebloods. Hermione and Neville seem canon, which is a bit disappointing and lazy in part of the author.

    I like how the author went about describing Euopean Republic as a sort of magical USSR, sending help to various nations. With this said, I wonder what became of muggle and magical America.

    Muggles and wizards have a believable tension in Britain. The Muggle World's desire to reconnect and open ties with the European Republic is a unique depiction of the longevity of wizards. I hope the author explores more of this in muggleborn's relationships and wider society.

    Ultimately, this story has a lot more ground to cover.
    With WW2 having an unexpected ending, there is a lot of fertile material. There is no indication of what happened to the goblins and various other beasts and creatures. I expect the Deathly Hallows to take a prominent role in the future.

    I'd say this is a good story, meriting a 3.5/5 if you like relevant muggles, but in my estimate a 3/5 (rounded up from 2.5/5). The author definitely needs to work on his writing style.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2020
  5. Jarizok

    Jarizok High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2015
    Messages:
    580
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Netherlands
    3.5/5

    I read this over Christmas and enjoyed it well enough. The first chapters are a bit weak, but the Hogwarts and EU chapters are a lot better IMO.

    I like this Harry. The author’s nailed ‘Weathered!canon!Harry’, which is semi-rare. This Riddle is also interesting, if not very fleshed out.

    The same can be said for the worldbuilding. Tons of potential there, but not yet realised.

    The writing isn’t particularly interesting and the Potter family is rather bland, but that’s something I can move past.

    Followed and faved.
     
  6. RandyRanderson

    RandyRanderson Third Year

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2019
    Messages:
    100
    Gender:
    Male
    I've finished reading this and I have to say that I feel this story is not particularly impressive, but it's certainly competently well written and entertaining. The fic is hampered by a rather bland writing style but the worldbuilding and characters are intruguing. The plot has me interested enough that I will continue to follow the story. I concur that the importance of muggles feels a bit off, given what wizards can do and the respect that is acknowledged is given to wizards by muggles around the world, but I don't think it really detracts from the story.

    I think what drew me in was the unique setting the story is currently centered in. The espionage is, at least to me, far more interesting and realistic than what many other fics try to do with a James Bond approach. Here at least, we have information gathering, cultivation of assets, but with magical twists that serve to improve these aspects. The location of an Olympic village that is well guarded and supervised was well chosen by the author.

    The combat is a central aspect of the story, with Harry being your standard veteran. Duels in this fic are bloody and feel more like fistfights than something you might see in more magic oriented fics. I found the combat to detract from the fic. Harry was capable of facing Voldemort in his original world, but an ambush by average wizards that he predicted left him injured. And the constant dodging, though a subjective preference, feels utterly unrealistic, especially given the story's emphasis on how fast spells move in combat.

    I think this story deserves a 3.5/5, especially since the writing is definitely improving.
     
  7. Patrickjd1243

    Patrickjd1243 Muggle

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2016
    Messages:
    1
    High Score:
    0
    I'm enjoying this story alot, thank you for posting it!
     
  8. Distended Destiny

    Distended Destiny Slug Club Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2018
    Messages:
    191
    I've read through the entire story again and it was disappointing. The fic reads more like Dresden Files (fast and action packed) without any of the world building in that series.

    This is more of a guilty pleasure fic ig.

    I'm torn on the rating (keeping my rating at 3/5 for now) but I don't think it's library material.
     
  9. Drachna

    Drachna Fifth Year

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    Messages:
    151
    Location:
    Ireland
    High Score:
    0
    I'm quite enjoying this one. It's far from perfect, but the author does character, world building and above all else combat extremely well. The premise is of course a bit far fetched, and you can tell that the author just wanted to come up with a legitimate way to get Harry into an alternate dimension, (basically a better written version of the opening to 'I'm still here'.) but couldn't quite pull it off. Regardless, it starts fairly strong and only gets better as you go.

    3.5/5, with rounded up to 4 due to my expectation that this could get really good in the future.
     
  10. oghianus

    oghianus Muggle

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Spoiler alert:

    Good technical writing quality, but extremely irrational. It's one of those of stories where the villains can do all superpowered stuff that somehow the other factions aren't even aware of. It's one of fucking stories where people are mass-imperiod by one faction, but not by the others, and nobody checks for the mind controls. It's one of those stories where Voldemort's body is killed /off-screen/, and without any good reasons. It's just one of those bloody fics where the good guys just take beatings over and over, get some magical plot armor, but not enough, and the tension rises and rises until the deux ex machina comes. It's one of those bloody fics where people volunteer to pretend to be under the imperius to /spy/.
    It's one of those fics that are just trash.