The friend zone is total nonsense. It was just invented so that some men could justify why that one woman they've been so nice to didn't immediately offer to have sex with them. Believe it or not, it is perfectly possible for a man (whose attracted to women) and women (who are attracted to men) to be just friends.

With that said, I want to talk about The Gay Best Friend, which is in and of itself a pet peeve. When a gay man only exists in a story to serve as The Gay Best Friend, to do nothing but fulfill stereotypes about gay men, talk about that one guy the female protagonist likes, or otherwise act like the perfect boyfriend without actually being the boyfriend ("ew, lady parts are all icky"), then you're being about as progressive as any 90s movie/tv show that brought up gay men. And as this video demonstrates, that's not a compliment.

 

Parsel being the language of dragons.

I'm fed up with it. Dragons are not snakes and 99% of the time it's used as an easy task solver.

 

Giggling. Now, it's alright to giggle every now and then, but all the time?!

This happens mostly in one paragraph, and it's not flirting or anything:

 

What's nonsense is how people have jumped to use the term "friend zone" as yet another way to bash men.

I could rant extensively about this but I'll leave it at: It's a gender neutral term used by both men and women, of various sexual persuasions, and that the word "immediately" contradicts the very nature of the situation that the phrase describes, which is one involving a relationship old enough to actually become a close friendship, and the long term yearning of someone for a close friend who doesn't reciprocate and possibly isn't even aware of their romantic feelings.
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And now some peeves that, honestly, the above is making me consider downgrading from peeve status.

Elude/Allude
Elude: To avoid or escape. "Proper grammar continues to elude you."
Allude: To obliquely/indirectly make a reference to something. "I used the above example to allude to your astounding level of ignorance."

Allusion/Illusion
Allusion: An oblique/indirect reference to something, or the act of making such a reference. "The best man's speech made a very unsubtle allusion to the mother-of-the-bride's drinking problem."
Illusion: A mirage, a false vision, a trick of optics or sleight of hand. Something that misleads. A mistaken or false idea one holds. "Clearly the perfect family image they project is just an illusion."
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"Lead on, Macduff."

This has been around nearly as long as the correct phrase has, but I've just recently seen a spate of stories (old and new) using the phrase.

It's supposed to be, "Lay on, Macduff(; And damned be him that first cries, ‘Hold, enough!')"

Macduff wasn't leading jack shit, he wasn't taking Macbeth on a tour of the garden, this was Macbeth telling him to get on with their fight. It's the Shakespearean version of, "Bring it, asshole!"

It's also a great example of why investing too much in a prophecy will only lead to you getting bent over and rogered roundly.
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ANYONE WHO USES "ITCH" WHEN THEY MEAN "SCRATCH!" WERE YOU LITERALLY RAISED BY TRAINED CHIMPS?

If you have an itch, you scratch it. You don't itch an itch, because that would be beyond idiotic. An itch, in the physical sense, is an irritated reaction in the flesh. One way of dealing with this unpleasant sensation is to scratch it. A metaphorical itch, meaning urge, is dealt with by giving in to said urge in some way, thus metaphorically scratching it. Either way, physically or metaphorically, saying you're going to itch an itch is simpleminded on a level that makes me suspect what's sitting atop your neck is actually a gourd of some sort, and you are in distinct peril every Halloween or any time someone wielding a melon-baller is in the vicinity.

It's like saying, "I have to car to work, now." instead of, "I have to drive to work, now."
or perhaps more apropos, "I have to mess this mess." instead of, "I have to clean this mess."
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"Kids"
Look, I have no problem with the word and make frequent use of it to describe children; having said that, it should be treated as slang or at least very casual speech when you are writing.

In fiction, unless your story has a casual, slang-using, narrator, then the word 'kid(s)' shouldn't be used in the narrative text. Where dialog is concerned, it should not be used by any character that wouldn't use slang or casual speech. Many doctors, other professionals, people with upper class mannerisms, and any characters with gravitas and an air of moral authority should not be throwing that word around when talking about children.

Dumbledore is a prime example of this. One should avoid having the word 'kid' come out of his mouth at all costs, unless he's talking about his brother's goats. Child(ren), youth(s), student(s)... there are more than enough words for young people that you should never need to resort to having someone with Dumbledore's bearing say 'kid'.

Need an illustration?

Dumbledore is out in the English countryside with Moody, trying to find the ring horcrux. He accidentally steps in dog poop. Which of the following lines is more appropriate for a character of his education, bearing, and societal standing? Which has more gravitas?

"Alas, one should endeavor look before they leap." Dumbledore sighed, and with a negligent wave of his wand, the mess was banished to a nearby compost heap.

OR

"Fuck me! Looks like I just stepped in dog shit!" Dumbledore exclaimed, and proceeded to hop about on one foot, kicking to and fro with the other, in a reckless attempt to fling the offending muck from his boot that left Moody throwing up a shield charm.

The answer, obviously, is the first line, even though he should know that putting carnivore feces in a compost heap is an invitation for parasites.

I realize writing dialog for a character who is, in all likelihood, smarter than you are is a tall order, but some things should be obvious.

 

I would totally read a story where Dumbledore curses like a sailor as soon as he is on holiday and away from the students and his fellow professors. It reminds me of some of Rorschach's Blots old stories, so maybe it's just a nostalgia thing.

 

Basically it's just a modern turn of phrase for the old-as-time "unrequited love". Apparently that's sexist now.

 

Also, @Warlocke, thumbs up.

 

Itch: (verb) Informal. to scratch (a part that itches):

 

Definitions added solely because "1 million idiots can't be wrong" don't count.

See flout/flaunt.

 

What the fuck is it with fanfic authors making the incantation for fiendfyre... "Fiendfyre!"

Are people retarded? It takes literally 10 seconds to go to google translate and get a suitable latin phrase, like Ignis Maledictus.

 

Don't you know that the word 'fiend' is already plenty exotic? I think spelling fire with a 'y' is overdoing it tbh.

 

A pet peeve of mine is the phrase "could care less". I think David Mitchell explains it best.

It always breaks my imersion and irritates me.

 

I'd like to add "on accident" to that. It's "by accident" for fuck's sake. "On accident" is how a three-year-old talks.

 

Also, communication and communications are not the same thing.

Communication is how we communicate and connect (talking)

Communications is the system for transmitting info (TV, phones)

 

"Trail" instead of "trial".

Excessive use of "git", "blimey", "brilliant" and "wicked". One of the main reasons I noped out of Stages of Hope. It felt really off. Also, the author being someone in their late 20s and having "silverstorm" (lol) didn't help.

In one story I read recently, Dumbledore's reaction to discovering Tom's diary was..."Brilliant.", which left me gobsmacked.

People being impressed and "gobsmacked" by very underwhelming or completely ridiculous "social engineering". You see that a lot in Slytherin stories. Wow, Harry! What a tour de force! Such guile! How does the old coot even stand a chance, what with your wealth of social interaction in your eleven years of existence?

I'm not sure where else to post this, but I sorted stories published in the last year by number of reviews in an attempt to find new stories, and by god, the amount of Hermione stories is staggering. They all sound more like Twilight fics than HP ones. Fanon Hermione is such a nuisance.

 

You are a brave soul. The largest problem with this is that most of the stories with thousands of reviews are ones with a voting feature, whether it be for pairings, character deaths, or harems. Most fanfic writers struggle with handling smallest (and weakest) inklings of plots let alone possessing the skill to have their readers dictate the plot for them and creating a strong story out of that.

 

Which is why sorting by favourites is somewhat better; at least it's only one favourite per user.

 

...

Hey... I use that incantation for Fiendfyre and it took me like 4 minutes to put together.