I feel that, I must first confess that when I joined DLP I was a good writer,I gues what they say about, being a big fish in a small pond is true.

I now humbly accept that compared to some of you, I suck. I want you guys to give me some ideas on an original fic I am writing so here is the basic plot.

1.The world is divided into classes, the most powerful and most important are the members of the royal court(Military), the second class citizens are the Dranyas, they are responsible for the industry of the country. The lowest class are the zavists(Farmers)and the Lafas, both do not posses any strength.
2.There are a group of vigilantes that have sprung up to protect the zavists and Lafas from the army and dark creatures, they call themselves the telards.
3.The main character is a zavist who is forced to watch his mothers rape and the brutal murder of his sister(he is powerless to help) under the hands of a group of mecenaries who attack they town. He later fins out that his father personally led the men to his town.
4.After the attack he is left unconcious after trying to fight the mecenaries, he wakes up and finds that he is being tried by part of the army under Captain Sparrow.
5.They part ways, the main character vows to hunt his father down and refuses an offer to go and be recruited into the army from the captain(No one not of a level two power range can enter the city of barion where the royal court is found).
6.The main character is housed by kind people but later that night they are attacked and this time by a terrorist group known us Babels(The country of Gandu was taken over from them.

Now am stuck, I dont know wheter he should join the army or remain alone,please help.
Any ideas on weapons or abilities are welcome, if you like it I might write the whole plot. Please help I know that write now I suck ATwriting on keyboards, but thats why am writing this fic, if my people like it then i'll post it here and see if you like it.
Thank you for taking your time to read this and have a nice day.

 

Riiight. The fail is strong with you, my troll-buggering friend.

PS - Add some hot buttsecks between the hero and Captain Jack. It really couldn't hurt.

 

OK. Let's take this from the top. First, there is nothing 'original' about your story so far. It's just another story set in a fantasy land incorporating the usual plot. Some powerless country boy suffers tragedy, goes looking for revenge, suffers some more on the way, gains some power and eventually gets revenge.

Secondly, you call yourself a good writer? Did you read your post? The number of grammatical errors alone are staggering.

Third, your hierarchical system is just the old Aryan system of Priests, Rulers/soldiers, Businessmen/traders and servants/workers/undesirables with slight modifications.

Fourth, your proposed names of places and castes are stupid. No doubt about that. But even still, with names like Zavists and lafas and whatnot, why did you name your Captain 'Sparrow'? It's so out of place among those exotic names that I had to read it twice to be sure I wasn't mistaken. Not to mention the name brings to mind Jack Sparrow from PotC, and you really don't want that to be the image anyone associates with your captain if you want him to be a serious character.

Now this last one, I realize is not really something you can entirely escape, but some of your titles, in different languages mean some really ridiculous stuff. But like I said, even published writers sometimes make up names or titles that are like that, for example in WoT, Rand, if pronounced as R-ah-nd means whore. But still, some names just had me shaking my head. Because country of Gandu? Really? Gandu means asshole in India, and if I find that word in a novel, I'd be more busy snickering at the author than reading the novel.

And finally,

Are you writing a novel or making a RPG? Level 2 power range? Orly?

In short, you are so full of fail that I don't even have any words to express it.

 

Captain Sparrow?

Pirates anyone?

 

The saddest thing is that he's probably worked hard at creating this story, and doesn't realize how utterly simplistic the plot is, or how ridiculous the names sound. I can't even call him a troll....

How old are you?

 

To be honest, it sounds like you play a lot of RPGs and read fantasy novels, and would like to try your hand at writing one yourself. It's not going to work. When you ask for help from the people on this forum, we expect you to have a problem that is manageable - for example, an author having trouble working with a particular character might ask for tips on how to make the character more interesting. You can't come into the "Fanfic Discussion" forum, throw us a bunch of generic sounding names for different classes and characters, and expect us to solve all of your problems. English is obviously not your first language, and you need to put in some work developing your skill with English before you can ever write this (admittedly sucky) story that you are planning.

 

This has been said before, but that story is fail on too many levels.

Try changing the names. Even though i doubt The DarIm has the slightest idea of what anything means in India.

The plot is overused too.

 

Yeah, I'm going to say it again. Solidus is not a Kenyan. He is a troll, and I'd bet 10 bucks that he's tridentwatch.

a) He appeared just after ancientdragon14, tridentfail's latest incarnation, was banned.

b) This has tridentfail's MO written all over it. He impersonates someone from a different culture (it was a Nepalese girl for one of his other personas, ffs), humbles himself by 'praising' the geniuses at DLP in a passive-aggressive manner, then posts the most retarded fiction ideas ever conceived by man and asks for help (see ancientdragon14).

c) He's not a Kenyan. His use of English in his posts is very inconsistent in its fluency. He's fucking with us. Moreover, I've known quite a few Kenyans from my time in distance running circles. Few spoke perfect English, but none were this offensively stupid. My theory is that tridentfag, who just started college according to his ffn profile, took an Intro to Swahili class and found his newest trolling persona.

To sum up: tridentroll is counting on the fact that he's a supposed non-native speaker asking for help on his shitfics to forestall the proper DLP response. That is to say: that we will at least hesitate before kicking a retarded, helpless kitten across the room.

Fuck that. Will someone please lower the banhammer on this moron?

 

I can just Feel the love dripping off this. The way it drips reminds me of a cuckold, post andropausic faggot's...

Gory details aside, enjoy the warm fuzzy hate.

 

Actually I do, since I am technically an Indian and am studying in an Indian University. And Rand and Gandu, pronounced as R-ah-nd and G-ah-ndu respectively, are offensive words meaning whore and asshole.

Though of course, I admit other people might not share my enthusiasm about learning to curse in multiple languages. In which case, you probably didn't want to know that.

 

I guess no one read the bit where I said that I considered myself a big in a very small pond, then I joined this forum and everything I thought I was good at suddenly became shit(in my class some guys consider me a master in the English language), all am asking for is a bit of help, you don't have to tear me apart because of any mistakes, I am trying to write something that I know you guys are experts at.

For the names, Gandu in swahili means pure (in sheng), I swear that I just didnt make up names, but I will thank you guys for at least correcting me at that point.

I know that in order to be a good member of DLP, you have to have a thick skin, but you guys can really put someone down(its like your telling me to quit the one thing Ithought I was good at.)

As for those people who keep yapping about knowing Kenyans who speak fluent english, I feel that I must point out that your "friends" either went to school abroad, or one of those private schools for rich people. I went to public schools and maybe thats why you consider me a troll which is an insult for someone who is really stupid.

Help me achieve what I thought that site would give me, help me become good at writing, by helping or giving some ideas on this fic(to impress the small fishes in my small pond)

 

I've nearly used up my quota for "stupid" today on myself (just did a tedious 10 analysis to arrive at a physics answer that I could have written down by inspection from the start if I were clue-enabled), so I'll give you the short version:

1) If you thought your writing was good when you came here, you were mistaken. The first thing you need to learn is that everyone's writing sucks, yours included. Some writers suck less (Joe, nonjon, Big D), some more (Tridentwatch, me on the first draft of anything). Right now, you deep-throat and trigger a gag reflex.

2) If you're serious about improving, recognize that you have structural problems with your writing and take steps to improve; you haven't since you came here, which is why even I am thinking "troll" (and I'm normally less quick to pull the trigger than most). Your English mastery is not up to site standards. Until it is, write in your native tongue and read a lot more English. (If, as Darklordmike avers, your native tongue is English, then go write Lolcats, not fiction).

3) Give up on longer stories; write short stories until you gain some competence and comfort with your skills. You're years from being able to tackle a novel and make it anything but a steaming pile of fail.

 

Seconded.

I feel dumber after reading every single one of this guy's posts. He contributes nothing, and all four of the threads he has started devolve into a bashing of his shitiness.

He's a troll, get him out of here.

 

The site doesn't help you become good at writing. It helps you become better at writing.

If you are truly Kenyan, as your location was meant to suggest, then you need to work on simple punctuation as the first major step. You use commas as though they are periods: each sentence stops with no stopping point (a period or a semi-colon) only for another sentence to immediately start up.

That's basic and one of the most annoying mistakes in existence.

If you aren't Kenyan, gtfo.

 

Whose ban sig is 'this be dark waters?' Vash's new one or someone else's?

In related world news today, the people of Kenya broke into spontaneous song and dance when they learned their country would no longer be associated with the faggotry of solidus.