Post a snippet

Lady Almaren · Feb 10, 2007

Harry was walking down into the Great Hall, and before he could reach Gryffindor Table, Ron jumped in front of him. “Ron! What the hell!” Harry swore.

“Whassup my brotha!” Ron said, ‘ghetto style’, since you know, he’s poor and stuff.

“Ron... what the hell are you saying?” Harry asked, but Ron strutted off, saying something about “pimping out his ride”.

“Yo Potter.” Draco Malfoy greeted, with a sneer. “I bet you’re jealous of my bling bling!” He sneered, gesturing by shaking both his hands towards the gigantic golden circle on his chest that looked like a massive, oversized Galleon, hanging from his neck by a golden chain.

“What in the bloody hell is going on here!” Harry yelled, and the Slytherin gave another sneer and stalked off. “And what the hell is bling!” Harry added, yelling at the Draco’s back. Turning towards the table, he saw that Hermione was sitting down already. And then he blinked. Hermione... was wearing leather?! And she was wearing make-up and staring hungrily after Draco, pouting with lips covered in black lipstick and a nose ring. “He’s soooo hottt....” Hermione whispered.

“Is everyone okay?” Harry asked, but Hermione kept spouting out about how she wanted Malfoy’s body, and as soon as Harry heard her mention Draco’s.... thing... he tuned out, covering his ears.

“The hell?” Harry muttered, shaking his head and tried to go for breakfast, when Dumbledore stood up at the teacher’s table.

“Yo Yo Yo Homies!” Dumbledore declared, wearing an orange, tiger striped suit with a white shirt and black pants, attire usually associated with pimps (actual ones). “Ya knaw I gotta buncha thangs on ma rap sheet to talk about, Yo!”

“What in the hell?” Harry muttered again, obviously out of the loop.

Dumbledore rambled on about random things, and ended with a, “Word to ya Mothas! I’m out bitches!”

And as Dumbledore stopped talking, maniacal, somewhat French sounding laughter rang out throughout the Great Hall. Materializing randomly in Hogwarts was... (drum roll please) VOLDEMORT!

As usual, everyone except the Slytherins started screaming, and Harry withdrew his wand to battle Voldemort. “Chill Harry!” Dumbledore said, withdrawing his wand. “Let me bust a cap in French speaking Voldemort’s ass.”

Before Harry could question his probably senile Headmaster, Voldemort did indeed start speaking French. “Je vous tuerai maintenant, les chiens de Britanniques !” Voldemort cried out, and then fired a Killing Curse at Dumbledore, who dodged it, and replied, “Like hell I am!”
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Dreams by YamiPaladinofChaos http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2231732/1/

This is a funny fic of Harry having dreams about the really bad fanfiction that's written about him.

Harry: So why did the disguise wear off on my fifteenth birthday? What’s so special about fifteen?

Lupin: Fifteen is a wonderful number.

Harry: …

Lupin: <desperately> It can be divided into by five and three, and if you double it you get thirty.

Harry: You don’t know why either, do you?
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Not Another Snape is Harry's Father Story by Ariana Deralte

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/827744/1/

Dark Syaoran · Feb 10, 2007

Me said:

Harry snorted, before laughing mockingly in fake amusement. “You? You will kill me? Come now, Draco. There are dreams, and then there are delusions. So hard to tell apart. Trust me, I know more than anyone.”
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I remember Xiph0 liking this part, so I decided to add it. z0mg, it's from my own story!

Night Time Stroll.

Ryuu Ken · Feb 11, 2007

Still partially standing in the gateway to the alley, Harry was about to make his grand entrance, when someone decided to help him along.

“Eh, move along there, sonny boy!” Harry looked back to see a short old lady with a faded purple bonnet, poking him with a cane. He stepped aside and watched as she hobbled past, waving the cane at his face. “Yeh, thaz riih! You jus’ get outta the way of us speedsters, ya slowpoke!” Harry got an amused half-grin on his face and watched as she kept on moving at the approximate speed of a turtle. He watched until she got to the end of the short entrance and started turning the corner. “Whoo yeah! Watch it people, I’m-a comin’ through! Yeh, take that ya scoundrel! Thaz whacha get fer bumpin’ inta me!”

Harry shook his head and looked to the sky. Announcing to himself, he proclaimed, “Welcome back, I suppose.”
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Invisibly Jaded by Quatreastrophe

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2688604/1/

ip82 · Feb 11, 2007

Probably the worst Hagrid-accent ever invented. For Christ's sake, he is a Scot, not a retard. Hmm, I have an accent too. Should I start including it in my writing?

Smiling, Harry opened the package that went along with Hermione’s gift. Inside were three packages of American chocolate, a box of chocolate frogs, and a book on American style Quidditch. Taking note to thank Hermione for the presents, Harry moved on to Hagrid’s not and gift.

Harry,

HAPPI BIRTHDAE! I hope u r wel, I know I’m not feelin’ to good rite now. Good news is that Hogwarts wil be open this yeer after all, McGonagall is takin’ over as hedmistres! I cant wate to see u this yeer!

Hagrid
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From here.

Mercenary · Feb 11, 2007

Mandy reached across the table and grabbed him by the back of his head. "I think you should know..." Abruptly and without warning she slammed Dean's head down, smacking his face against the top of the Gryffindor table. "I'm not sweet," she said, before repeating the action, slamming Dean into the tabletop twice in quick succession, "and I don't have a heart."

"Urkle... phmpf..."

Dean, with a bloodied nose, split lip and two rapidly forming black eyes, slipped out of his seat and onto the floor of the Great Hall, no longer fully conscious. The room was perfectly silent. Nobody was saying or doing anything, save stare at an unconcerned Mandy.

Unsurprisingly, not even the teachers seemed willing to censure Mandy for her actions. The girl was, after all, apparently a friend of the Boy-Who-Lived, the self-proclaimed goddess of chaos, some strange boy with tentacles that sprouted out of his back, the Grim Reaper himself and had also managed to scare the Sorting Hat out of its wits.

Finally, Grim leaned over the table to examine Dean's insensate form.

"I do believe you're going soft girl," he announced upon completing his inspection. "You didn't even give de poor fool a concussion."

"It was only his first offence, so I went easy on him," explained Mandy, returning to her steak.

"But, when Malfoy..." Hermione trailed off.

"Dean's an idiot, Malfoy's obnoxious. There's a difference," said Mandy.
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Something Grim this way comes.

I find it to be a good start too bad theres no more chapters.

Hadoren · Feb 12, 2007

I found this quote disturbing, particularly in light of the story's plot.

You know I love you more than anything.

Sighing softly, you pet the fine hair.

I can't stand it when you don't talk to me.

Your fingers wander familiar features, still beautiful after so long, following the line of a cheekbone and tracing sensuous lips.

You kiss passionately.

You draw out the kiss for several moments, your mouth so hungry, you've been so starved.

(It's okay. ) A vague smile. (I understand.)

I knew you would. grin You're always so understanding.

(It's just that I wish I could…)

I know.

sigh

I wish I could take you outside, too. I know you miss the fresh air and sunshine and the people. I know you miss your galas and socials and soirees but…

Trail off, trail your fingers down a porcelain cheek.

You know you haven't been the same since the incident.

(Yes…I know. I'm so lucky to have you.)...

How about some dinner? I'll make your favourite.

Smile, nod.

You get up and, slowly, push the wheelchair into the kitchen with nary a sound...

I love you.

The words come easily. This is something already known, but mosttimes there has to be a reminder.

(I love you.)

And carefully, carefully, you listen for the heartbeat against your own.

Ba-dump.

Ba-dump.

Skin tastes fresh, flesh is sweet.
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It was really bizarre, though, I'll tell you that. I didn't register it at the time, but it all seems so clear to me now, as if I had mentally picked out every detail and memorised it in a still-frame. Moments before it turned to shock, the look on Harry's face was one of supreme contentment and bliss... I had never seen him as happy as that, when he was holding Draco Malfoy in his arms.

Of course, my attention was focussed on Malfoy. Malfoy, the sole heir to a multimillion-galleon fortune who had mysteriously disappeared five years ago, hadn't changed a bit since I last saw him…to all appearances, that is. He just laid in Harry's arms, his eyes wide open but seeing nothing, with the most chilling expression on his face – this vacant, vapid, vague smile.

I never thought a look of happiness could be so utterly horrible... but aren't dead things always horrible?

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In the Closet by Michi M. Chu

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1496125/1/

Hadoren · Feb 16, 2007

Not a double-post because of a time constraint.

The most dismissive characterization of Snape I've ever seen.

The man paused, critical eyes sweeping over his class and settling disgruntledly on Harry. “Well? Why aren’t you writing this?”

And that was how Harry learned he would have to bring out a mask for the man. Because Professor Severus Snape wanted a spoiled brat just as much as his wandering fan group wanted to glimpse his scar—perhaps more. But unlike them, Snape had the power to make Harry miserable and that was one thing Harry would not allow.

If Snape wanted a dunderhead, a useless child to drum information into so he could say he had tried and still fame wasn’t everything then Harry would oblige. He’d played greater acts for lesser men than him. And if Snape never saw past the act he gave then he was a more foolish man than Harry had thought.

It was foolish to believe the illusions of others; it was just plain stupid to believe your own.
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Child of Mercy by Fayr Warning

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2596747/5/

A good characterization of a secondary-character in Harry Potter.

Terrance Boot better known as Terry; second son of Howard T. Boot and Ellen Whittier Boot, heiress to Marshall Whittier, a shipping tycoon. In a way being magical had been the best thing that could have happened to Terry Boot. He was a shy boy by nature made shyer by the expectations his parents had placed on him. It was known—although never said—that the only reason Boot had never been expelled from Fairfax Academy was because of his grandfather’s influence. It was common knowledge Marshall Whittier was a hard man to please; it was also common speculation Marshall L. Boot would suffer a nervous breakdown before he turned twenty-one. Not to say Terry Boot wasn’t smart, but Boot had a well known habit of freezing during exams and on one memorable occasion fainting on his final exam. Marshall Boot would be the heir of his grandfather, groomed to take his place in the family company. His older sister, Eliza Boot, was a child chess champion and to crux the matter also possessed a unique gift with the piano. Terry Boot by contrast was a mousy boy, shy and slow to laugh. Quite simply, Terry had little of the charisma one needed to compete in such a family. Magic, an off-shot gift from some squib ancestor, had given the boy a place where his grandfather’s money could not touch, his mother’s expectations could not slide into place, and his siblings gifts could not match.
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Child of Mercy by Fayr Warning

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2596747/4/

Hadoren · Feb 25, 2007

Am I the only one that posts in this thread?

Legitimate triple-post. Lol.

Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past by Viridian
http://viridian.fanficauthors.net/Ha...eaks_Loose.php

“This ponce is Voldemort?” Ron asked incredulously.

“This is a memory of him when he was Head Boy,” Harry corrected, watching the spectre’s edges become blurry as it struggled to control itself. He decided to twist the knife a bit further. “At least he’s somewhat presentable. Later, he looked like something that escaped from one of Snape’s preserving jars.”

“That’s pretty bad, Harry,” Neville said with a shudder.

“Don’t blame Harry,” Luna added, patting Neville’s shoulder comfortingly. “It’s not his fault this silly boy wanted his outsides to look like his insides.”
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Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past by Viridian
http://viridian.fanficauthors.net/Ha...es_his_Due.php

Having already bit back his first three responses, Harry interrupted, “I’m sorry, sir, but I had to give Ms. Skeeter a signed affidavit regarding the facts before she would print the article. I don’t think a retraction would hold much water.”

Lockhart frowned. “You poor boy! I had no idea you were such a babe in the woods. You should never, ever, agree to something like that,” he said, wagging his finger. “It’s almost impossible to say you were misquoted if you do that!”

“That doesn’t really matter to me, sir. I only gave her that information because I want my Godfather released.”

“A man you’ve only met one time?”

“Because he was imprisoned for something he didn’t do!” Harry snapped, his temper fraying.

Lockhart sighed. “Harry, this obsession with right and wrong is definitely going to hurt your career.”
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Half of Dueling Range by neutral
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1148804/1/

Sexual intercourse? What did that mean? Harry skimmed the rest of the page searching for clues, but the text seemed to avoid it altogether. It sounded important though, Harry mused in confusion, why would the book hint at it then rush forward without an explanation?

Harry dragged out another tome, a tattered one he had checked from the Hogwarts library a few days before break in plans of studying it over the summer, and embarked on another search.

… act could be for reproduction or procreation. It is normally aimed at the creation of offspring, although not in all cases. For prevention purposes, consult the volume II page 34. For a list of specialized charms, consult volume II page 99. For a visual representation, consult the restricted section.

Harry dropped the book in horror. Restricted section? Sexual intercourse was dark magic!
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The-Hyphenated-One · Feb 25, 2007

"Er, Harry?" Dean asked, a tinge of fear and revulsion in his voice.

"Yes, Dean?" Harry asked in his detached, 'I'm a psycho' voice.

"You bashed her face in with a brick."

Harry just looked at Dean as though he were stating the obvious, which, in truth, he was.

"Right," Dean said. "I think I'll just be going now."

"You do that, Dean," Harry replied

Blessed:Erised Burning

Fine, I will post if I have too. I probably could have just said look at my sig, but oh well.

ip82 · Feb 25, 2007

Harry Potter and the Last mistake by Doxkid

“The list of vaults goes on to long, so let’s simply skip that for now. Almost every vault can be access by you as long as the owner owes you a dept, or it is not controlled. This however, doesn’t work in reverse because you eclipse everyone’s wealth; I suppose we can skip that too. Let’s see,” he glanced down to a form in his hand, “In total you have seven hundred and forty billion galleons, nine million and three sickles, and five hundred and one Knut, mostly from the Tomas vault, not counting the vaults that belong to other families with heirs. In total, that is roughly seven billion, four hundred and thirty million, five hundred twenty eight thousand, four hundred and twelve galleons. Would you like that in pounds? The number is far more impressive than that one.” After reading how much money Harry had, the goblin seemed even more animated and fell of the chair several times. Not wanting to give the poor man a heart attack, Harry quickly declined.
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I didn't know you can get so surprised to fall out of chair several times. I wonder how does that work? You fall out once, then get back, then fall out again... Hmmmm...

World · Feb 25, 2007

ip82 said: ↑

I didn't know you can get so surprised to fall out of chair several times. I wonder how does that work? You fall out once, then get back, then fall out again... Hmmmm...
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Generally I'd think it possible, but in this instance?

"seven hundred and forty billion" *falls out of chair, gets up again* "and five hundred and one Knut" Whoa, 500 and ONE?!?!! *falls our of chair again*

Nah, not likely.

Hadoren · Mar 11, 2007

The Reason Why by Lady Salazar
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3060621/1/

“He’s dead,” he whispered to himself, tone strangely bland as he stared of into the distance. “He’s dead.”

Remus sighed. Dumbledore’s death must have hit Harry hard; he knew the teenaged savior of wizardkind had looked up to the man.

“It’s all right, Harry,” the werewolf said gently. “Professor Dumbledore was a great man…. The wizarding world as a whole will mourn him greatly. Still, Harry, he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself any more than Sirius would.”

Harry turned slightly, just enough for Remus to see a bit of his face but not enough to determine an expression.

“Dumbledore, Professor?” he said, tone still bland. The he turned completely to face his former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. “It was not to Dumbledore that I referred.”

Remus blinked in surprise. Who else could he be referring to? “Then who?”

Harry turned back around to face the night. “It was to Snape.”
“Snape isn’t dead, Harry.”

Harry shook his head slowly, and a sigh escaped his lips. “I know. But he will
be.”
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Miranda is somewhat skilled at humor.

Changes in a Time of War
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3078469/8/

"Oh and they’re both hermaphrodites. Definitely a different subspecies. Really they’ve got a lot in common with the ones we killed a few days ago, same subspecies.” Daray reported to Rianae, who was writing everything down.

“I don’t understand Daray, you mean you aren’t a hermaphrodite?” Rianae asked innocently, though her nasty smirking stopped that impression. The others stopped work to watch the confrontation with glee.

“You mean you’ve actually been spending that much time imaging my genitals?” Daray queried back at her. Everyone started laughing.

“I wasn’t aware you had any.” Rianae replied.

“Stop by later tonight darling.” Daray purred, leering.

“I don’t fuck reptiles.” Rianae said sweetly, and ducked as a knife sank into the wall behind where her head had been.
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These two quotes show LightningontheWave's writing at its best.

Comes Out of Darkness Morn
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2655016/46/

And Harry knew Voldemort would win in the end. There was the locket around his neck, and Voldemort was a skilled Legilimens. It could only end one way.

Yes, it could.

Understanding of the prophecy flooded into Harry’s head, and he felt calmer than he had in a long time, even as his magic bucked wildly against its reins, growing stronger with every second that passed, as he swallowed more and more of it, and that in turn fed his ability to swallow more and more. He whistled sharply, and that caught the snake’s attention. Harry pointed out, helpfully, how powerful the magic in the locket around Voldemort’s neck must be.

His magic lunged forward and grabbed the locket—and yes, it was familiar, the same kind of power that it had swallowed when it destroyed the diary. It tore it open, snacking, feasting, glutting itself. Harry heard Voldemort scream.

And then Sirius’s eyes were looking at him, and they were his godfather’s, flashing gray and apologetic for a moment.

Harry used a bit of his magic to send Kreacher flying entirely free, and then shouted, “Peter! Roll the wand to me!”

He could feel the wand when it settled against his hand. There was no doubt that Peter had brought it for him, had intended for him to use it against Voldemort, and Harry was a bit sorry to disappoint him.

He tossed it underhanded to Sirius.

He heard Peter’s squeak and Connor’s wail, but they didn’t understand. Neither of them understood. Neither of them had been battle-trained in the way Harry had, and neither of them understood the prophecy as he did in that instant, watching Sirius catch Peter’s wand and stand.

Already, his face was flickering, showing signs of Voldemort returning. But, as it turned out, he did have time to say six words.

“Goodbye, Harry.” He smiled slightly, and his eyes turned to the side. “Goodbye, Connor.” His gaze faced forward again, fixing on the wand he held. Harry saw the bright Gryffindor courage there, the bravery in the face of death that the other Houses considered them mad for.

“Avada Kedavra.”

And as the green light struck, killing Sirius, killing Voldemort with him, as Sirius died by the wand of the sacrifice, Harry brought his magic down in a Reducto that broke Voldemort’s yew reparations box to pieces.

The justice ritual twisted a final time, and smashed free. Mightier magic than Harry’s shoved his own magic back into his body, burned the circle away, tore the gray egg emerging from Sirius’s side to shreds, ate the Dark Mark, and vented itself on Kreacher’s body until the house elf was a series of small and bloody pieces, destroying everything that had been used to confine it and perpetrate injustice. Harry’s snake had to vomit up most of the power it had swallowed. And Harry found that he could control what was left, so long as he thought, in utter determination, about not hurting anyone.

The dance broke apart, Voldemort’s spell of corruption ceasing, and the shack shuddered a final time as the ritual fled. Sirius’s body shook, too, a faint tendril of red-gold light caressing it. Harry nodded as the light flickered out. The ritual was simply making sure there was no more justice to be done, but there was not.

Last time pays for all, Harry thought.
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Wind that Shakes the Seas and Stars
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2836413/77/

Albus could feel himself shaking. It both came and did not come from the fact that most of his magic was gone now. It came mostly from the doom that clanged in his mind like a knell.

He had felt the prophecy in the air, but dismissed it. Sybill could have made another prophecy while he was in prison, and of course he wouldn’t have heard of it. That was probably the prophecy that was coming true now. None of the other prophecies fit this particular situation.

And then he’d realized that Malfoy was standing at Harry’s right shoulder, and that Malfoy was older than Harry.

No.

That was the first tone of the bell in his mind, the first toll that indicated he might have been wrong. Albus wanted to step away, but his eyes were on Harry’s as the boy drained his magic, and he found that he couldn’t move unless Harry did. Wide and green and utterly merciless, those eyes looked at him, and they pinned him more effectively than any compulsion.

The prophecy surged and sang like foam on a shore as his magic drained away. The great force that guided the future was happy, as if Albus’s loss of his magic, his defeat, could actually help a Seer’s vision come true.

It does.

The second tone of doom, and Albus shuddered. He could hardly bear to think what this meant. He was not a Dark Lord. He could not be a Dark Lord. He had always served the Light, even when it took his magic. He’d never Declared for the Dark. How could he be what Tom was, enough that he’d taken his place in the prophecy?

But even more, how could the prophecy be wrong? Albus had based and built his actions for the last fifteen years around that version of the future. He’d known that they’d have to sacrifice Lily’s boys from the time they were born at the end of July. He’d accepted that it meant the sacrifice of Peter, and the suppression of Harry’s magic, and the absolute firm grip they’d gained—thought they’d gained—over the boy’s mind. Someone born as the seventh month died, the younger of two, having the power the Dark Lord knew not—

Then Albus felt his heart swell. No, this couldn’t be the prophecy coming true, could it? It couldn’t! He hadn’t given Connor his heart-shaped scar, and he hadn’t inflicted a curse scar on Harry like Tom had. Besides, he was stronger than Harry, not equal to him in power. There was no way the prophecy could be talking about him.

Yes, it could.

The third sound of the bell rang through him, and Albus shuddered, as he remembered that Tom was also stronger than Harry, and perhaps “marking him as his equal” didn’t mean what they’d all thought, and neither did “marking his heart.” There was the phoenix web Albus had cast. That had marked Harry’s mind, and he had certainly done it out of fear of Harry’s magic, out of fear of what Harry would do and become when he grew up, just the way that Tom had ended up marking Harry’s forehead out of fear of what the boy might do to oppose him when he grew up—

See how right this is? the bell of doom asked him.

Albus screamed. There seemed to be no air left in his lungs to make the sound, but he made it inside his head, and that was more than enough. The sound of his mistake was everywhere around him, ringing through his bones, making them crumble, making them tear and part and shred, his skin crumple and fall in on him, his heart labor and stop, as he realized that he’d been wrong, wrong—wrong! sang the bell—and created a waste and a mess in trying to fulfill a prophecy that had always been meant to claim him, that had descended on the one who had tried to save it like some great beast, that had recoiled on the hand that meant to wield it like an ungrateful whip, that was shredding the world into smaller and smaller pieces as he saw how unnecessary all the sacrifices had been.

It was almost a mercy when his heart stopped beating. It stopped the endless flight of the arrows of pain through him, the endless clanging of the bell in his mind.
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ip82 · Mar 26, 2007

From Welcome to Hogwarts 1949.

It's a bit raw and unpolished, but it's still the best description of Tom's transformation into Voldemort I've seen so far. Dark & Independent Harry is a giant plus too. Great scene.

“Does it bother you when he calls you Tom?”

Tom looked at him, as though very surprised.

Harry expected Tom to insult him too and was very much so surprised when any traces of a sneer slid like liquid from his face. In the dim light, it was hardly encouraging but it was better then his anger. “What would you have him call me then?” Tom asked, his sharp eyes very focused.

Harry shrugged. His heart was beating very fast. Eye contact with Tom was like fluid fear.

Harry inhaled and felt oddly composed in his skin. “I don’t know. I suppose Riddle doesn’t suite you any better.” Harry paused. “I suppose I just find your name Ironic.”

Toms eyes remained concentrated on his face. “You told me you hate your father, that he wasn’t even pureblooded.” Harry paused, savoring the look of pure attention he had. “I suppose if I were you I wouldn’t want to use his name.”

Harry felt a rush of gratitude of his knowledge of Voldemort from the future.

Tom didn’t speak nor did he move. There was moment were he continued to look at Harry and he was left to wonder, not for the first time if he had gone to far.

“A half blood with only a years knowledge of me, you are very disconcerting sometimes Potter.” Tom was looking at the candle now. He could have been much older then he was in the light it cast.

Harry shrugged eager to change the topic. “I suppose you don’t have much of a choice though do you, it’s not as if you could have him call you master.”

There was a flicker in Tom’s eyes. Harry had captured a rare true interest from Tom. “No, I suppose he wouldn’t like that much.” His voice was soft but Harry knew it wasn’t so out of compassion or sadness.

Harry smirked. “He would do it though.”

Tom looked back at him his eyes as old as the stone in the walls. “ He would do anything I asked him to if he was scared enough.”

A chill ran down Harry’s spine. Harry had never heard Tom talk express what they all knew, that he was the master and they were the servants. He had hit home.

“They all would.” there was a strong silence in which Tom looked back at Harry, his eyes very careful. “Except for you I think.”

Harry felt a small jolt in his stomach.

Tom was no longer smirking. He was watching Harry in a way that was more frightening than any smile or smirk. Tom cocked his head to one side. “Unless I am mistaken, I don’t think you could be convinced to al anyone master.”

There was no good answer to this question and Tom know it. In fact, Harry wondered if Tom wasn’t enjoying Harry’s discomfort. Because beneath the trivial exterior of the question was another. Tom wanted to know if Harry was willing to stay a servant. Like Malfoy, like the others. He wanted to know that Harry wouldn’t challenge him. Knowing this, Harry was able to look back at him confidently.

“I suppose I might,” Harry smirked. “But only if you were invincible or something.”

Tom had Harry’s eyes completely. Harry forced himself to think of nothing. Tom sat back satisfied. Harry smirked. “I suppose master is fussy anyway.” Harry muttered.

They sat in silence, Harry, knowing more of Toms thoughts than anyone else in the school purely on a technicality. If Harry had not been from the future, he would be just as clueless as Malfoy.

But he wasn’t clueless. Tom knew it and Malfoy knew it.

Tom smiled in reply. “I think Voldemort will do.”

Harry took a small breath.

“They can call me Voldemort instead.”

Harry grinned. “I suppose I have to use the same nickname Malfoy does?”

“They can call me Voldemort.” he spoke then he looked back at Harry, his eyes as dark as the leather couch they were sitting on. His gaze was not soft but it carried more respect then when his eyes were on Lestrange and Malfoy. “I suppose you can call me Tom.”

Harry was so surprised that he almost laughed. He didn’t only because his entire face was numb. “This should be a club.”

Tom’s eyes were like blue fire. “It already is.”
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ikaina · Mar 27, 2007

It was during that relative period of fragile stability that everything came down onto Harry.

Well, maybe not everything.

But the cramps, the bleeding, the backache, the bleeding, the slight fever, the bleeding, that horrid bloated feeling, the bleeding and the fucking damned sensitive nipples (and the bleeding) counted enough to qualify as something BAD (hear the Capital letters. And the thunder roll ominously-- a clichéd sound effect is always welcome).

Did she mention the bleeding?

In case she hadn’t, she felt the need to point out to herself that she had blood running down her legs because she didn’t have a clue about what she should do and it damned HURT!!! Like hell too. Her kidneys were starting to think being donated would be a better thing than going through that cruelty that was a period. And she wasn’t panicking, not at all. That’s why she was running in circles in the bathroom with a pair of soiled panties in her right hand, a book about ‘The woman and the moon’ on the other hand and her wand lost between the two and her frantic flipping of pages.
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male Harry turned female has her first period..for some reason I found it extremally funny

It proved her differently when it started giving her ideas about creating a charm that mimicked the effect of Murphy’s laws.(...)

She was just imagining how Voldemort would react to being under Ginsberg’s theorem (1.-You can’t win. 2.-You cant draw level. 3.-You can’t even leave the game), after of course having enjoyed properly the image of Bellatrix Lestrange suffering from White’s affirmation and their corollaries ( don’t lose your head, it’s possible someone might want to sever it, and they want to avoid a long process) and Lucius Malfoy’s of being subjected to Murphy’s law about the Government (if something can go wrong it will do so in triplicate), when Snape stormed in
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again that made me laugh

The abrupt change in subject caught a frowning Snape unaware and his scowl deepened considerably before he neared the sofa and sank in it next to Harry. Sighing wearily he looked at the psychotic smile one Harry Potter was wearing and containing some primal urge to damn Dumbledore, Voldemort, the Death Eaters and the mother who bore them all to Hell he proceeded to explain how that fateful day in Hogwarts’ history had ended.

“For starters, thanks to you, damned brat that you are, all classes have been cancelled for the day. That has enabled me to work all day with Madam Pomfrey and a grumbling mister Weasley at my own pace and has allowed miss Granger and Draco to organize their houses. Somewhat. You’ve caused quite a stir and the rumours are now flying higher than ever. You should hear some of them; you’re supposedly pregnant with Weasley’s child but still continuing you illicit affair with both Draco and me to satisfy your baser urges.”

“They said WHAT?!!! I’m going to use their guts as garrottes and have them hanged up from the North Tower!!!” she shrieked bolting up.

(...)

“Remember, Potter. No maiming. Just calm down and listen. I have not finished speaking!” Snape ordered imperiously.

(...)

“As I was saying, you’re about three weeks along. Hermione is going to be the Godmother but there’s a debate on the Godfather. There’s a betting pool on that too. Some say you want it to be me due to some unresolved sexual affair and some kind of promise I made you. That was a bit confusing. Others say it’s going to be Draco, but that Weasley will sooner sell his soul to the Devil than allow that travesty to occur; I do agree on the last part. The general consensus is that you’re going to choose either Albus or Remus, but surprisingly a minor group thinks one of the Weasley twins has a better probability of being chosen. Blood ties and all that.”

“That’s just…” she made a face and continued “peachy. What else?”

“Mmmh… Dumbledore is going to fire me…”

“WHAT!!! He can’t do that! There’s nothing going on between--”

“Potter, you moron, I’m still talking about the rumours.”
(...)

“As I was saying” he started once again ignoring Harry’s rather… violent reaction “I’m supposed to leave Hogwarts grounds within two hours. Draco has lost his Head Boy status. Hermione is now focusing her voyeuristic tendencies towards Rosemary Lovegood and Trelawney swears by everything that’s holy that she has seen everything with her ‘Inner Eye’.”
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hmm..starting to think that maybe you won't find it as funny as I did but..well..whatever

I cut out parts indicating Harry/Snape romance - sometimes censorship is justified, right?

those are from: PMS or how on Earth did Harry end with him? by Sabikehchee
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1482753/1/ --NOT recommended for DLP members as it has somehow good Malfoy and femHarry/Snape

and my favourite

Instead, I shall angst. Feel the melodrama, people!

Oh woe is me! Oh woe is me! I used to have a Hamster Tree! But it was eaten by a newt, and now I have no cuddly fruit! Oh woe is me! Oh woe is me! I used to have a Hamster Tree!

Insert more angst and melodrama here. I am far too busy with my Potions essay to be emo any longer.
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3157478/8/
Dear Order by SilverWolf7007

Hadoren · Apr 1, 2007

A humorous quote.

Stchorlei by Amsuhl
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3342493/8/

"Well." said Dumbledore, looking ever so slightly flustered. "If you have any problems, you can come straight to m-"

"If I have any problems, I will go straight to my Head of House, Headmaster." said Harry sweetly and was rewarded by Dumbledore wincing slightly at the thought of Harry confiding into his snarky Potions Professor. "I sure I can trust him to be confidential."

"I'm sure I will." said Snape, walking past him with a wide smirk on his face.
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Another pretty funny quote.

Adrift in a World by Miss Whiskers
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2987160/15/

“Hey!” Harry whispered, and the four Marauders froze. “You can't leave me!”

The four adults shared looks, as if contemplating that they really could just leave him behind. Sirius, though, shook his head. “We can't risk it. She probably put more wards on your bed than anyone of the others. Besides, revenge is fun.”

Harry gaped. “What? But this is the Hospital Wing! You can't leave someone behind!”
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Lol at Dumbledore's hypocrisy.

Stronger than Hope by Alaunter
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3389525/47/

“Now.” Dumbledore folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward. “Using Legilimency on a student of this school is quite a serious crime, Harry. Illegal, and it also amounts to the rape of a young and untrained mind.”
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Interesting (and funny) idea.

Slytherin Queen by Takeda Lee
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2990826/1/

You see, for all the magical power that Voldemort supposedly has, for all the magic that he uses to control other people, the man(if you can call him that) can’t control himself. Or more…parts of himself. To put it simply,

He couldn’t maintain an erection if it meant killing Potter by doing so.
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This is the best Ginny-bashing I've seen for a while.

Slytherin Queen by Takeda Lee
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2990826/1/

So she had come there to ask Snape what she could do to get into the class. She had brought up some ideas about extra work, longer essays, things of the sort. Normally this would have been borderline acceptable to me. I mean, she was just looking for a better grade. But then…

Let’s put it this way. My lunch didn’t taste nearly good on its way back out as it did on its way in. Not by a bit.

Snape reached out and put his hand on the Weaslette’s thigh. She looked at him for a moment, before he seemed to be telling her something. She looking scared and appalled for a moment, but then seemed to agree, albeit quite warily. I didn’t know what was going on, but I got a good idea. A good enough idea when she went from sitting on the table to down on her knees in front of the Potions’ professor, my bloody Head of House, and started unbuttoning his pants.

Oh someone kill me. Now! Please, this is just…so…wrong.

I shake myself from my disgusted mental exile and turn from the door. I don’t really fancy watching Snape get himself…ugh. The idea makes my stomach turn in itself. But as I stand there, petrified, I hear something that bothers me a lot.

Snape starts to groan, before he moans something out. I swear I heard wrong, but then it comes again. “Oh…Lily.”
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ip82 · Apr 8, 2007

I burst out laughing at this one - must be the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Harry flipped open his book to the section on Dark objects he’d been reading. Trunk of Alexander. This trunk is deemed a class 3 Dark object; however, can still be built by any trunk master as long as the intention of the buyer is not to use it for evil. This is very rare however as the trunk is thought to be able to corrupt its user. The trunk has 7 levels, living quarters, a full library of spell books, several bedrooms, and a magic shield charm which allows any type of magic to go unreported. Dark wizards have used this to train themselves or brew dark potions. The last trunk was sold almost 500 years ago to the Dark Lord McShane. Since then trunk makers have made a blood vow to not sell the trunk unless it is to a truly needy and powerful light wizard.
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ROFL! A trunk that is so luxurious that it corrupts its users with its many fine facilities. Now that's what I call the Dark Arts, lol.

Oh, this is from some crappy H/Tonks story that can be found here.

deathinapinkboa · Apr 13, 2007

Does it not sound like this chap enjoys touching kiddies?

From Redefining Summer

"Sir, not that I don't appreciate it, but why are you helping me? I mean what's in it for you?" asked Harry setting down his cup.

Mr. Mann blinked once and said, "What brought this on, then?"

"Er, nothing, I was just wondering, I mean if you close the shop you could lose money. I just—"

"Ah, you've started to wonder if I'm a bad guy, if I'm after something or want to use you? Is that it?" asked Mr. Mann.

Harry blushed, "I don't think that but I well, what do you want? I mean everyone wants something, don't they?"

Mr. Mann looked sad for a moment and said, "Harry, lad, I don't want anything from you. I will admit that I've missed having a boy around. You're bright, you’re well mannered, you know how to work, and you ask intelligent questions and make me feel young again."

Harry looked confused and shook his head, "I don't understand."

Mr. Mann said softly, "Lad, you know I was married? I had three sons and a daughter. My daughter, her husband and children live in Australia. I don't get to see them much. My eldest son was an Auror; a dark wizard he was sent to arrest killed him and his wife left Britain, they didn't have any children. My second son was a curse breaker for Gringotts; I lost him to tomb in Egypt. My third son was studying for his Mastery in Potions when there was an accident and he was killed. I had a choice, I could become a miserable lonely old man, snapping and snarling at anyone who gets close, or I can take a chance on friendship. Occasionally a boy wanders in here in need of a friendly ear or a helping hand. I do what I can. Now, I will admit you're the first wizard boy I've befriended, what with being in a muggle town and all, but that just adds a little spice."

Harry was listening intently and questioned, "I'm not the safest person to befriend, though; Voldemort wants me dead. You have to know that, you lost all your sons and, if he kills me, won't it hurt you if you start to care for me?"

Mr. Mann's eyebrows went up and he said, "You're right. If something happens to you, it would hurt me, but, Harry, I think the risk of being hurt is outweighed by happiness you bring into my life. Lad, I enjoy teaching you and being friends with you. It's a risk I'm willing to take."

They chatted a little longer and then Harry went home, he had a lot to think about.
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Hadoren · May 5, 2007

Defending the Light by Letishia
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1887953/10/
Defending the Light was an old story I'd read, forgot about, and recently reread. It's not good enough for the library, but there are some funny moments like this:

“Um… is it necessary to use up anymore of your magical energy on marking random places in this thing?” Harry asked Aberforth skeptically.

The man just turned to him and said, “Is it necessary for me to closely inspect my armpit every morning?”

“Er…”

“Of course it is! You just can’t see why, so you automatically assume it is not.”
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It also had the most memorable beginning I've ever read to a Harry-Voldemort confrontation. This stands out as one of the truly great moments in fanfiction writing.

At his father’s mention of wandless magic, Harry spun around quickly to see if Lupin had heard. His trepidation was in vain, however, as his ex-professor was too busy concentrating on helping Aberforth heal Sirius to notice anything but his wand-work. Lily, on the other hand, was dividing her time between watching Harry and James and trying to help with Sirius. Harry, deciding time was too short to waste worrying, turned back to his dad.

“Forget the key to finding the book. Do you know where it…”

“Harry,” James interrupted suddenly in a way-too-casual voice that had a definite edge to it, “You didn’t, perchance, happen to say anything along the lines of ‘it’s not like this mission is going to involve Death Eaters or Voldemort’ did you?”

Harry didn’t even bother to look behind him, his scar was starting to tingle menacingly and the look on his fathers face was informative enough. He had just had to jinx himself…

“Voldemort’s right behind me, isn’t he?” Harry said before turning around to come face to face with the most feared wizard of the age, and his mortal enemy.

The Dark Lord’s face was contorted into a sneer, “Exactly.”
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A Black Comedy by nonjon
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3401052/6/
This was the funniest scene I've read by nonjon other than in his first story. I burst out laughing.

“Lovely,” Melissa grimaced. “That’s wonderful. Because she got out of a long term relationship a little over a month ago and is now desperate for some unconditional sex. So I just need you to pretend that I’ve been subtly trying to figure out if you have any—Sirius, what are you doing? Don’t get up. Don’t go over… oh god.”

Sirius had jumped to his feet and was determined to be a good Samaritan, not even waiting for Melissa to explain the situation. There was an attractive woman desperate for sex, and that was all Sirius needed to know.
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deathinapinkboa · May 6, 2007

“Hello Narcissa; long time, no see,” Dumbledore greeted. However, she only sneered at him.

“That’ll be Mrs. Malfoy to you,” she snapped.
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This exchange, from 15 & on Death Row, by concrete13rose, is all you really need to know about the fic.

afrojack · May 9, 2007

That left Harry and Bellatrix.

'You can sit up now Bella.' he said and she obeyed promptly. 'Now since you behaved yourself this whole time you can ask something of me as long as I find it reasonable.'

Bellatrix stared at Harry 'Master, I would like it if I could be your pet and if you would call me that too.'

Harry raised an eyebrow, before scratching the woman behind her ear. 'You want me to call you pet and treat you like one?' he asked.

'Yes master, that is what I would like.' she said totally serious and devotion clear in her voice.

'Ok pet, consider your wish granted.' he said and got out of the chair 'Do you want me to walk you on a leash?' Bellatrix purred and actually rubbed her head against his leg.
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Lulz. I find it hilarious that people do this to good ol' Bella.

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Post a snippet

Lady Almaren Seventh Year

Dark Syaoran No. 4 Admin

Ryuu Ken Second Year

ip82 Prisoner

Mercenary Snake Eater

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Hadoren High Inquisitor

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

ip82 Prisoner

World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Hadoren High Inquisitor

ip82 Prisoner

ikaina First Year

Hadoren High Inquisitor

ip82 Prisoner

deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

Hadoren High Inquisitor

deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

afrojack Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

International Confederation of Wizards (post Secrets of Dumbledore)

TIL CoS has a post credit scene

Voldemort overdosed on Felix Felicis

Let's shit on Daphne

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Post a snippet

Lady Almaren Seventh Year

Dark Syaoran No. 4 Admin

Ryuu Ken Second Year

ip82 Prisoner

Mercenary Snake Eater

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Hadoren High Inquisitor

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

ip82 Prisoner

World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Hadoren High Inquisitor

ip82 Prisoner

ikaina First Year

Hadoren High Inquisitor

ip82 Prisoner

deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

Hadoren High Inquisitor

deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

afrojack Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

International Confederation of Wizards (post Secrets of Dumbledore)

TIL CoS has a post credit scene

Voldemort overdosed on Felix Felicis

Let's shit on Daphne

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