Post a snippet

Hadoren · May 10, 2007

This is from Rosswrock's most recent chapter, and the very accurate characterization insight is one of the things that keeps up my support for him and his story. Lectures like this generally are the domain of great authors.
Harry Potter and the Power of Time by Rosswrock
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1657629/29/

And Harry knew he was right. Harry did used to trust Ron with everything, but those were the simple thoughts and actions of boys. Over the summer things had changed, and Harry’s role in taking charge of his own life had crossed a line and made him a man. That’s where the trouble lay, Harry suddenly realized. Harry was no longer a boy, but Ron had yet to take that step. Ron’s world was of secret passages and exciting adventures, where everything would turn out all right in the end. Harry’s new world was of clandestine nocturnal meetings where blood and gore were spilt, and if extreme caution wasn’t taken, he might not come back alive. The two worlds were very different, and until Ron realized the risks associated with Harry’s new life, he could never be as much a part of it as he had Harry’s old one. Neville, Ginny, and even Luna, Harry realized, had all seen more darkness that Ron had, no matter he was the oldest. That’s why Harry found them more suited to talk about certain topics. Harry wasn’t willing to go back to the way things were, and unless he pretended, which he knew he wouldn’t, he’d just have to wait until Ron matured some before the two could be better friends again.
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For those of you who've quit reading Miranda's story, I hope that this gem changes your mind. Miranda's lost some of the mystic of his story, he's improved with things like this.
Changes in a Time of War by Miranda Flairgold
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3078469/11/

“No. Not necessarily. Power actually has lttle to do with the overall magical energy a person can wield.” When everyone looked completely lost the ancient vampire began to pace across the front of the classroom, dark red robes billowing behind him.

“Think of our current Headmistress, Nvara, she is a mortal. She is nearing eighty. Her greatest ability is the sheer number of animagi she has generated. Six now, in case you were wondering, and more on the way. Her animagi are nothing particularly amazing, except for their number. Yet she can thrash half the world’s vampire City Master’s and barely break a sweat. Why? Because her precision magic is beyond that of any mortal since Merlin. She can throw a killing curse and take a louse off your head at six hundred meters, without killing any of the cells of your scalp.

That is not power, it is skill. She can also do one amazing shield spell. Her voice magics, for all they are more than those of a great many vampires of more than a few centuries, are just voice magics. She can command almost anyone, but voice magic doesn’t work on me, nor any of the fae elders, and alpha werewolves are notorious for being relatively unaffected. She does not have a particularly large amount of magical energy. Yet her influence is immense, she runs the best school of magic in the world.

Power is not how much raw magic you have. It’s the use. I destroyed my creator the day I turned five hundred - he was pushing two thousand. Over the next five centuries I hunted down and killed every ancient vampire existing, including one nearing three thousand. I’m not the oldest because I’m the first. I’m the oldest because I killed everyone else.” Namach told them, watching the class’s surprise. “I was almost labeled a failure at magic as a child because I could not summon a feather from two feet away. But I invented the entire art of bloodmagic in one century. I invented more necromancy than thought possible in the next century, and new branches of threadmagic and soul magic in the century after. By the time I destroyed my creator I could wield magic capable of massively altering the planet’s climate and summon a mountain from a million kilometers away from the base.

When most people think of power they think of individuals who can do great feats of magic. I suppose the greatest one in recent history was the deflection of the Catuset Asteroid in 1990, six months before it would have hit Earth and wiped out almost all life. That was done by Landri Samuels, a half-human half-Amadan, working alone. But he was classed as an average wizard, and his fae magics were mostly untrained. He failed the tests to get into Akren. Yet he is referenced as being immensely powerful, by those who don’t know better. What actually happened was he spent two years building up what effectively amounted to a magical slingshot and then hurled the magics created during the destruction of his own life at the asteroid, along with a shattering spell and a dispersal spell. The asteroid turned to thick dust.

Power is not the amount of raw magical energy you have, across all of the sentient species the average for each is very similar. There is little variance between the average raw magic of a Vascari fae newborn and a mortal human newborn. Some individuals have more than others, but not a lot more. And those with truly massive reserves are extraordinarily rare. More so than the history books would have us believe. And those with such large reserves usually have extreme deficiencies that make such power a poor trade off indeed. Aesculapius, the great healer, may have been born with the most powerful healing ability of all time, yet he was also born deaf in one ear and blind in one eye and completely magically incapable of any offensive magics.

Power is what you do to train and use the magic that you have. It is also a thing of the mind. We have one fae elder today who can do almost no magic at all, yet she wields a power completely out of proportion to her magic. She does that because of her wisdom and extremely well crafted usage of what she does have. She doesn’t have much, but she can pull a hair off your head from thousands of kilometers away with little effort.

Building yourself into someone capable of great things does not necessitate enormous magical reserves. All you really need is the good judgment to know your strengths and work around your weakness, and will power. Determination alone will get you no where if you’re not focusing on training in the right areas. Benjamin was warned against any further bloodmagic rituals by several classmates. But he attempted to use determination to overcome his weaknesses. In a field such as…art…that would not have been a problem. In the most dangerous branch of magic it cost him his life.”
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Hadoren · May 19, 2007

This fic goes way over the top with super!Harry, as neopyro generally does. But this line was hilarious.
Chosen by Neopyro
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2822918/6/

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off.

"Good. Now I will explain to you about your powers. Over the next few weeks you will experience: alteration of your physical form varying according to the legends of the planet you inhabit, mental alterations bound by the same restrictions as the physical alterations, changes in your personality, physical abnormalities, magical abnormalities, and severe alteration to how people react to your presence, which is brought on by some of the aforementioned magical abnormalities. Now if you would just sign here..." The lawyer handed him a glowing piece of parchment.

Harry tried to speak but was cut off once more.

"Just kidding, we don't actually need your signature. We ave your consent already, whether it's willing or not." The lawyer started laughing madly as the car accelerated to impossible speeds. Harry felt as if he was getting siphoned out of his own body. And then...
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TripticWriter · May 20, 2007

Nicholas thought a moment on his knowledge of Wizarding law. “What if I made Sirius Black a Flamel by law and magic? That would make him related to me and Harry, and allow him to live with us at Hall-on-the-Sea. We wouldn’t have to take care of Harry, not that we don’t want to, but it’s really hard for two six-hundred-fifty-year-old people to care for a baby. He could then adopt Harry with the Wizarding Ministry, making Harry Potter change into Harry Flamel-Potter-Black, and Sirius Black be replaced with Sirius Black-Flamel. The blood wards would recognize him as a Flamel, related to Harry’s mother, so the blood protection would be extended to him! It’s perfect!” Nicholas’ voice rose to an excited and hoarse roar.
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I found this in a lambda Super!Harry fic. The sheer stupidity and doubtfulness of the reasoning make me laugh.

Dain Bread · May 24, 2007

The Potions master had bore witness to one of the duels between Harry and Alastor, where Harry had won by utilizing agility and physical attacks to bring down his opponent. Severus, being himself had scoffed the boy saying he had been lucky and that Alastor was in fact pretty much lame with his wooden leg. This had of course prompted a new duel. Severus had known about Mr. Potter’s lack of knowledge on spells far beforehand, a weakness he was hoping to exploit. He however didn’t expect Harry to rush him and utilize his now famed “Squirrel Move”.

It was a memory that the Headmaster and probably Harry himself had stored in a Pensieve. The “Squirrel Move”, as Harry called it, was in truth, very simple.

“Just go for the nuts.” Was all Harry had explained after Severus was on the floor clutching his bruised family jewels.

After that comment, anyone dueling Harry never forgot their protective charms. This of course didn’t hinder him much.

“The human body had plenty more areas of soft tissue.” He had commented, “Furthermore, if one kick doesn’t work, just do it again and again. One of them is bound to get through.” The boy had then proceeded to kick Snape multiple times in the groin till he relinquished his wand.
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2412808/2/ The Innocence of Guilt by Ensign. And thus ends the sterility of one Snivellus Snape. Rejoice!

ip82 · Jun 24, 2007

This one is fucking sweet. Harry & Dudley getting stoned.

“You failed History, too?” Harry exclaimed, grinning, as though it were the greatest thing in the world, and he erupted anew into giggles.

Dudley grinned back and took a serious swig from his bottle of whiskey. “Completely and totally!”

Harry clapped joyously. “What did Vernon say?”

“Turned purple for like ten seconds and then called the school to like, complain or whatever!” Dudley burst out.

Reacting like it was a genius punch line, Harry slapped his knee. “Complain because you failed?”

“Yeah, isn’t it great?”

Sarah was blinking at them hazily; she hadn’t had enough yet to be on the same plane of existence as her boyfriend and his cousin. She was balanced on the swings watching, her legs spread apart.

‘What the Hell was my problem? Dudley is so awesome,’ Harry thought, snorting aloud. ‘Oh wow, History? History!” He kept laughing to himself.

Taking a drag off the blunt, Sarah smiled back at him, looking woozy.

“I uh—“ stammered Harry, wanting to have something hilarious to say but not knowing exactly what. “I—I nearly failed Potions. Sometimes I don’t mix that shit right…” He broke out laughing.

Dudley raised an eyebrow and took another drink, as though to reassure himself of what he’d just heard. “Potions? You have Potions? Ha ha, that’s fucking funny! Don’t mix the shit right, what, you can fail in being all magical or whatever the fuck you are?”

Harry nodded happily. “Everyone can fail!” he said pleasantly.

Sarah looked at the two of them like they were insane. “What, you mean Chemistry?” She blew out smoke and hacked.

“No! Potions, Potions!” Harry declared. “Professor Snape is a prick!”

“Professor Snape!” Dudley roared; Harry almost started crying, he was laughing so hard.

“Yeah, Professor Snape. He’s such a--- I dunno, he’s always taking points away because of me.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “What a prick,” she repeated, as though she didn’t know what else to add to the conversation.

“Hey, say something weird, like something magical!” Dudley commanded.

Harry’s head was spinning, he tried to think. “What?”

“I dunno, anything!”

“What the Hell are you assholes talking about?” Sarah demanded.

“Shut up, Harry’s gonna say something magical!” Dudley shouted.

Harry tried not to chuckle. “Er--- Hogsmeade!”

“Hog-fucking-what?” Dudley looked like he might have an attack from laughing.

“Hogsmeade!”

“What?” chirped Sarah.

Dudley was gripping the bottle of whiskey so hard he might’ve broken it, and was standing with one hand on his knee, as though he might topple over.

“Alohamora!” Harry screamed out phonetically.

“Whore mora, what?” Dudley asked, cracking up.

“Go to Hell, you aren’t making sense,” Sarah shot at them, and turned away.

“No, no, no. The best was when that guy came and like, broke Dad’s gun!” Dudley was shaking his head as though it were the best memory ever. He made a very threatening face: “YAR A WIZARD, HORRY!” he bellowed, pointing at his cousin.

Harry covered his face with his hands. “No I’m not!” he basically shrieked.

“YAR A WIZARD!”

“HA HA HA HA!”
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From http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3451695/4/

Darius · Jun 24, 2007

"I love you Hermione"

Harry Potter and the Darkness Before Dawn

Xiph0 · Jun 24, 2007

Dumbledore is in his office, being very wise.

""Tis a strange tale, thee doth tell." He says, nodding wisely.

"Uh, Sir, why are you talking like that?"

"Alas, 'tis the teenage fanfic authors. When they try to make me not sound like a sixteen-year-old American, I inevitably end up sounding ridiculous. Methinks I must always be-eth a bad imitation of what is supposed to be Shakespeare, or talk like Yoda, I do. Apparently my wisdom is such that it can only be expressed through truly appalling grammar."
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It's 4 AM here, and I'm laughing like a jackass loud enough to wake my neighbors up reading this shit.

Hadoren · Jun 25, 2007

Hilarious line. This has made me a Skysaber fan. Even funnier in the context of the fic.
The Wizard of Gotham by Skysaber
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3509790/8/

Back in Gotham, the newly accepted son of Poison Ivy was going about his chores in the greenhouse when something occurred to shock him out of that routine.

"Harry," a deep voice spoke unexpectedly from off to the boy's right. As the boy turned about, he saw a very familiar, and very scary, figure dressed all in black there in cowl and cape.

The sudden appearance of the dreaded Bat Burglar was enough to get Harry to drop the watering can, which shattered on the floor. Desperately, he tried to teleport, but was unable as the close and sudden proximity of his worst fear gave him a 'deer in the headlights' feeling that choked off his ability.

Trying to take a step toward the cover Ivan offered, admittedly on the other side of the building, the shocked boy slipped on the spilled water and fell on his bottom as the Bat took a step toward him out of the concealing shadows.

"Pamela never told you what happened to your father, did she?"

The frightened boy was scooting backward on his heels and elbows as he stared at the frightening Bat Burglar before him. "She told me enough. She told me a Dark Lord killed him."

"No, Harry," Batman stalked forward, then extended a glove to help lift him off of the floor. "I am your father."
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ip82 · Jul 4, 2007

Some manipulative!Dumbledore that made me laugh...

With the letter done now all of these charms, and curses are in place. You can’t speak about this to anyone, not even the aurors! Aren’t I brilliant?

Sinceely,

Wolfric Dumbledore

P.S. I will be posting a sentry in your area. You had better not slip up. I know all and see all.

from http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3361786/2/

Xiph0 · Jul 4, 2007

lulz, wtf is that shit.

also, lol - from the ENSIGN fic above:

“Anyhow on a lighter note, how goes your passenger?”

Mary made a show of looking behind her at the limp person she was ferrying. “Out cold. Probably from shock when I started weaving through those trees. How about yours.”

“A branch took him out.” Harry deadpanned. “Idiot didn’t duck when I said to.”

“And that makes him an idiot?” Mary questioned as she moved closer to inspect the growing lump on the man’s forehead.

“No the fact that he said ‘where?’ makes him an idiot.” Harry said pulling a pocket watch out from his robes and inspecting it.
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Big D on a Diet · Jul 5, 2007

This is one of mine, but I wrote it so long ago that it might as well be someone else.

http://www.ficwad.com/viewstory.php?sid=7588

‘This can not be happening.’ he thought to himself angrily, ‘It’s im-fucking-possible, not even my luck is that bad!’ He had a powerful urge to turn on his heal, and run screaming into the night.

Charles pulled him out his dark thoughts. The older man had recovered from his shock, but was still on edge. “I’m so sorry about that, Harry.” he said, “I promise this isn’t something that happens every day.”

“You ain’t just whistling dixie, brother.” Harry muttered, too low for the others to hear.

Charles took his arm, and pulled him forward. “I want you all to meet Harry Potter.” he said to his family, “He’s going to be renting out the attic for the summer.” He turned to Harry. “Harry, I’d like you to meet my wife, Iris.” Harry shook her hand numbly. “And our daughters, Lily and Petunia.” Lily gave him a bright smile, showing perfect white teeth. Petunia seemed a little more shy, but also bestowed a greeting smile on him.

He may have smiled back, he wasn’t sure. Still not wanting to meet the eyes of anyone in the room, he let his vision drift. Just over the doorway that led into the kitchen, there was a carved wooden sign with five words on it. Five words that confirmed Harry’s belief that God really was a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and that he was the ant...

Welcome to the Evans’ household.
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Big D

Gummy Eye Juice · Jul 6, 2007

Here is one of my ultimate favourites from dude04's "Lord Voldemort Orders a Pizza"

“Thank you for calling Luigi’s this is Max, how may I help you.” A voice on the other end of the phone spoke into Lord Voldemort’s ear.

Lord Voldemort, for the first time in a long time, knew not what to say.

LV: “Pizza, I want pizza.”

Max: “Rrright... pick-up? Delivery? Dine-in? Which is it, man?”

Man? The impertinence!

LV: “Delivery!”

Max: “Alright man, no need to shout, nice and easy now. What’s your name, guy?”

LV: “Lord Voldemort.”

Max: “Lord Voldemo-”

LV: “Don’t speak my name, you filthy muggle!”

Max: silence

CLICK

The noise was so loud that Lord Voldemort distanced himself from the ear-piece with a flinch. Why, that fucking muggle! Nobody hangs up on Lord Voldemort!
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Hadoren · Jul 6, 2007

This line is like a throwing a lamb into the lair of wolves. Hilarious on DLP. I think that I will use it in every single argument hereafter about the strength of the U.S. wizarding world.

Malleability by neopyro
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3141206/6/

America, from what Harry knew was the richest Wizarding nation in the world. By not concerning themselves with Muggle affairs, and not getting involved in any magical wars, American Wizards got rich. With so many powerful positions one could ascend to in the American Magical Government, and all the power that the corporations wielded, there hadn't been a dark lord since Wizardkind got themselves situated in America. Whenever a promising young wizard or witch came around with a lot of power and the desire to use it, they became Minister of the American Magical Government, not a threat to the nation. But as long as the people continued to rake in the money, nobody cared who was in power or what they did.

America got rich by winning the production market. A full sixty-five percent of the Wizarding World's companies were American, but instead of competing with themselves, American Corporations squeezed wealth out of other countries, exporting their higher quality, cheaply priced goods to nations around the world and driving out the competition... and buying them up when they went bankrupt. Now, Americans were so rich, that the average Middle-Class wizard in America was richer than Lucius Malfoy.

Testittlertown Thoroughfare Went from Testittlertown, Maine (an all Wizarding settlement four times the size of Hogsmeade.)To Los Angeles. It met the Seattle to Miami road in St Louis. There were a half-dozen other roads that connected major population centers to Testittlertown Thoroughfare (and all the roads were alliterations) and all of them were full of wizards, for America had the Highest wizard population in the world. Breeding with Muggles was common practice and now three quarters of the magical population had Muggle blood in them.
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Paravon · Jul 14, 2007

This isn't a snippet so much as the entire piece. It's taken from a collection of drabbles I stumbled on.

It's not particularly good, but the idea is just so innocently absurd that it stuck with me.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3023750/6/HP_Drabbles

Title: Worth A Shot
Word Count: 100
Characters: The Trio
Author's Notes: Originally posted to hp100 on 9-26-2004.

"I can't believe we never thought of this before," Ron muttered.

"Hush," Harry warned. His Invisibility Cloak would get them to the Department of Mysteries unseen, but it did nothing to muffle their voices.

"I still don't think it will work," Hermione said for the hundredth time.

"Well, there's only one way to find out."

After the usual rigamarole with marking the doors, they finally found the one that opened to the stone staircase that led to the Veil. Harry pulled the Cloak off of himself, Ron, and Hermione, and together they pointed their wands at the Veil.

"Accio Sirius!"
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deathinapinkboa · Aug 4, 2007

This is the worst attempt at forshadowing I have ever read.

Storm of Swords said:

They got their jump off points right in the middle of the auror floor right when the aurors were having a little tea party to celebrate their newest recruit, Nymphadora Tonks. Harry didn’t know it but some time in the future he would have a relationship with her. Only she would be different because she would be in an alternate universe where Harry would somehow end up in in the next few hours.
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Subcomandante_Taco · Aug 4, 2007

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2919367/1/The_power_of_music <---Err this is a pretty damn funny crack fic. I'm not sure if the author is serious, but it's hilarious in an incredibly stupid way.

This the greatest characterization of Ginny ever... JK would do good learning from this 'stekman.'

After she sang Harry approached her. “hey babe you rhyme good whats yo name.”

“hey little sexy beast not lookin bad yourself, names ginny, but my friends call me G-to the Nee.”

Harry signald his crw to do a beet and 1 of them started making a beet.

Harry rapped

Your cool

Lets play some pool

I think you rule!

Ginny raped bac

Thanks I no

Im G-to the nee

And I like to pee

Cant U see

That I can do karate like Bruce lee

Harry said ‘you suck go bak to yo Mams womb… Tippin on Fo fo fo…

Ron and Hermione came in an Ron made a beet wile Mione rapped

Shut up you suck

Your not good enough fo a suk

From g to the knee

Now go bak and pee pee

With you wee wee
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Greatest smut ever

He then put his thingy magiggy in her you knows what while he thuches her watermelons. She sucksed hise coks and he moaned “AAAHHHHHH”
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Lulzy Author's Note

Authers Notes: Mang, I ripped this poop dog… I give a shout outz to ma Home boyz, my chiggas wiggaz niggaz and latiniggz dooogg…. I have to give a shout out to my babie moma… Daddie luvz you Latinesha “Baby Fazce” Moesha
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Rehio · Aug 4, 2007

...What the fucking hell is that?

I really, really hope it's a joke.

Xiph0 · Aug 4, 2007

Haha Chaos, that things been posted before yo

Subcomandante_Taco · Aug 4, 2007

Xiph0 said: ↑

Haha Chaos, that things been posted before yo
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Ahh, ok my bad.

Didn't see that. <_<

Mordecai · Aug 12, 2007

He wept for Peter betraying his parents. He wept for his parents dying. He wept for his surviving Voldemort's avada kedavra. He wept for his fame. He wept for his life with the Dursleys. He wept for Sirius's wrongful imprisonment in Azkaban, for Remus getting fired. He wept for Buckbeak's near death. For Ron and his near deaths from the Whomping Willow. For Neville and his parent's insanity. For Neville having to live with his grandmother. For Snape's unfair tratment of him and his fellow Gryffindors. For his name being put in the goblet. He wept for everything, but most importantly, and especially, he wept because of Victoria's psychotic, demented attraction towards him and her sickening treatment towards him. And how there was nothing he could do about it.
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Just had to post possibly the worst example of emo Harry I've ever seen.

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Post a snippet

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Hadoren High Inquisitor

TripticWriter Groundskeeper

Dain Bread Second Year

ip82 Prisoner

Darius 13/m/box

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Hadoren High Inquisitor

ip82 Prisoner

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Gummy Eye Juice Squib

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Paravon Seventh Year

deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

Subcomandante_Taco Seventh Year

Rehio Bad Dragon ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Subcomandante_Taco Seventh Year

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

International Confederation of Wizards (post Secrets of Dumbledore)

TIL CoS has a post credit scene

Voldemort overdosed on Felix Felicis

Let's shit on Daphne

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Post a snippet

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Hadoren High Inquisitor

TripticWriter Groundskeeper

Dain Bread Second Year

ip82 Prisoner

Darius 13/m/box

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Hadoren High Inquisitor

ip82 Prisoner

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Gummy Eye Juice Squib

Hadoren High Inquisitor

Paravon Seventh Year

deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

Subcomandante_Taco Seventh Year

Rehio Bad Dragon ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Subcomandante_Taco Seventh Year

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

International Confederation of Wizards (post Secrets of Dumbledore)

TIL CoS has a post credit scene

Voldemort overdosed on Felix Felicis

Let's shit on Daphne

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