Harry Potter shall not ever want to change his name and live out his life as a muggle.

Harry Potter shall not ever lose his magic to save Draco Malfoy or lose his magic period.

Lily Potter did not have Down Syndrome - she was fully capable of seeing that Severus Snape is, in fact, an ugly man and therefore unshaggable. She was also at least 80% faithful to James Potter.

Harry Potter shall not ever die unless:

-He has had a world record breaking Harem exceeding that of the Prophet Mohhammed (40 women) and Osama Bin Laden (over 100) for a period of time greater than 20 years.
-He has lived longer than Albus Dumbledore
-It is assured he will be awarded 99 Dark Haired Virgins.
-He has shagged a male.
-He is a virgin at the age of twenty.
-He has neglected to kill the following persons:
a.) Severus Snape
b.) Draco Malfoy
c.) Severus Snape
d.) Severus Snape

 

If Harry Potter beomes more powerful than God, he will only ever return to Hogwarts to kidnap and torture Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy in the most brutally imaginative ways possible.
(Preferably in a way that a Simulant/Aganoid would be proud of. ie: nipple-sized pastry cutters, gonad electrocution kits, and easy-listening music.)

 

Let it be known that not every damned Auror answers to, or follows, Moody's concept of 'CONTANT VIGILENCE!".

Likewise, said Aurors will not shit themselves when they are caught offguard in an innocent situation.

 

-Harry must be a badass but he must earn it after hard work and a considerable amount of time.

 

I don't know if this was mentioned but:

Adult wizards namely Deatheaters, and Aurors, who have with obvious reason attended Hogwarts will not use simple, out loud curses, when fighting. Seeing as Hogwarts curriculum did include Silent casting.

Poorly phrased latin makes for a poor spell.

This one i'm sure has been mentioned but i'll repeat for emphasis and for sheer laziness.

Harry is NOT disgustingly rich because his parents left him an unsurmountable fortune that allows him to buy thousands of brooms and fund the order. He is well off, that is all. No Fortune 500 megabucks here.

Finally

Harry disappears into the muggle world and blends perfectly even though hes only has a roughly 5th grade education, and has never interacted with any kind of muggle since before his first year.

 

Harry will under no circumstances (instictively) know how to remove the Dark Mark, even if it is cast in Parseltongue. Harry shall also never remove said Dark Mark in an attempt to redeem either Draco Malfoy or Severus Snape.

 

Oh i got another one

Harry's Parseltongue will not be used as a way to talk to every reptile like animal namely Dragons. Dragons are not serpents.

 

The Unforgivable Curses are only unforgivable if used against another human. It is not against the law to practice them on animals or Malfoy's.

Dementors are capable of reproducing, therefor, they are also capable of being destroyed (by anyone, not just Harry).

 

Remus shall never spend an allotted amount of time other than five sentences moaning about how he misses sirius or his "condition". And as such shall never develop stupid names such as "Furry Problem", "Moonlight strolls" or such terms of endearment like "Uncle Moony".

EDIT: Dudley Dursley shall forever remain a MUGGLE! Also, Henceforth The dursleys shall never ever show the slightest positive interest in magic.

 

Unless the story is massively AU, the Dursleys SHALL NOT be redeemed.

 

Umm where does it say that Dementors can reproduce?

-Hedwig is an Owl. She is not and never will be a Pheonix.

 

6th book somewhere in the beginning Dumbledore mentions it which in an offtrack note was incredibly stupid on Rowlings part.

 

Yeah, the misty fog was caused by the dementors' mating.

-If Harry does not kill Umbridge, it must be because someone else already did.

-The veil of Death is a one way portal. Serius is dead. Deal with it.

 

If Umbridge is not dead in a PreOotP based story, she must be tortured very painfully with a cheese grater and lube. Or included in pranks with such items.

 

why? this is dark harry we use no lube except barb wire and napalm

 

Well how else are you going to lure Umbridge into a dark, deserted room for hot "loving"? You gotta realize that she's only sadistic cause she gets nothing in the sack, which isn't really surprising. I mean, she's Fudges bitch, sure, but I don't think he counts... =/

 

The Malfoy's should get robbed blind. Just because they love being rich. And they're dicks.

 

-Not one of Harry's former muggle school mates can remember his face, name, or favorite place on the playground. This rule especially applies to gorgeous teenage girls who claim to have been intimidated by Dudley during grade school.

-Harry's canon acts of accidental magic were normal for his age and magical ability. Changing hair color and length are simple enough charms to be considered "pranks" in the magical world, and apparating is simple enough that nearly every witch or wizard can do it by there eighteenth birthday. (This is comparable to obtaining a driver's license in the USA).

-It was stated in canon that there are very few REGISTERED Animagi this century, but we know of 4 unregistered animagi within the limited range of cannon characters. If James, Sirius, and fuckin' Peter can figure it out, then it doesn't take a Zen master from a Himalayan Monastary to teach Harry how to do it.
---It should also be noted that no book, potion, talisman, trick, nor shortcut exists which can speed this process up to a matter of weeks let alone days or hours. If it did, everyone would be an animagus. It's a cool trick after all.

That's all I could think of right now.

 

- Harry's life has been less than pleasant. One kiss, act of love or realization of love is not enough to change this. More importantly, one such thing is not enough to fuel intense emotions resulting in the before unheard of event of a golden patronus capable of destroying dementors.

 

Obviously, as a regular Patronus can do it just as easily.