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WIP Potter, No Angst by Averis - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Averis, Mar 17, 2012.

  1. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2007
    Messages:
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    High Score:
    3,065
    Title: Potter, No Angst
    Author: Don E. Delivery (Averis)
    Category: Humor/Romance
    Pairings: Hermione/Harry/Ginny, Harry/Pansy
    Rating: T
    Word Count: 10,035 (Two Chapters)
    Summary: Harry grows up without the threat of Voldemort and is eventually sorted into Ravenclaw. He's been allowed a lot more free time... to chase girls. Arrogant!Harry, Ginny/Harry/Hermione, Harry/Pansy. Humor.

    Link: Potter, No Angst FF.NET
    _____

    This is a story I have been writing for the last week or two and posting in WbA, and I plan to finish it quickly before I get back to completing We'll All Fall After the Yule Ball. It should be less than 50,000 words when all is said and done.

    My intention was to write a story where Harry never had to deal with Voldemort in his youth. Thus, my version of Harry is a lot like James, except he was sorted into Ravenclaw and as a result has become a better student than in Canon. If you close one eye, this story is very similar to We'll All Fall, but its completely AU.

    Characters that play a major part in this: Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Luna and Pansy, and in future updates Draco.

    Note: It seems that a lot of people in WbA do not like Pansy's character. This is partly intentional, and partly the suddenness of Harry's interest in her. Please do not judge based solely on your dislike for her as there are many more twists to come, as you can see in chapter two.

    So, be as brutal as you like! Is this library-worthy?
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2012
  2. Clerith

    Clerith Ahegao Emperor ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    I definitely prefer We'll All Fall to this.

    Your writing style is so weird. Maybe it's the lack of apostrophes to shorten words, but it just feels very dry. All the spoken stuff too - very dry and emotionless. Sure, you show the emotion the character feels before or after the spoken line, but the line itself is so very emotionless. Everyone talks the same, too. That's my main gripe - the fic didn't read smoothly.

    Pansy is definitely one of the girls you prejudicely dislike before reading anything about her. It's gonna be pretty tough to turn that one around. It doesn't help that she's a typical bitch, but at least she's moderately interesting character now. Ginny was okay - very well written, actually. Totally believable. Hermione was - well, I didn't hate her, which is very surprising to me, and her little obsessing with lying was amusing. And Luna was just awesome. You're one of the few people who write Luna that I like.

    The ending of chapter two was fairly gripping, and a good way to end it and put this here for review. Want moar, and all.

    I don't really see Harry as arrogant at all. More like a confident and popular manslut. There's also a definite lack of scheming and plotting, which makes him kinda bland, despite how obviously you tried to make him interesting with all the sleeping around.

    Oh, and I think that you mean machete instead of machede and casanova instead of cassanova.

    I hate to say this, but 3/5. It just didn't grip me at all. I honestly expected better from you.
     
  3. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer DLP Supporter

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    Wish I'd had a chance to say this in the WbA thread before it came here as I kinda agree with Clerith here. While WAFATYB felt charming, natural and engaging, this is the complete antithesis. Harry is a douche, the interactions and writing feels wooden and, the worst failing, what little of the story we've seen so far is flat out boring.

    Usually love your stuff dude, but this is meh for me.

    I won't rate this early.
     
  4. mercuryandglass

    mercuryandglass Third Year

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    Canada
    Honestly? just the pairings make me cringe. But I'll chek it out anyway, give me a few minutes.

    Okay, that wasn't so bad. I still dislike arrogant!Harry, but youj made it seem somewhat bearable. I've only read the first bit of it, but I'll give a tentative 3.5/5.
     
  5. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    So, the other day, I had clicked on the link to a fic called The Rise of the Grey Lords.

    It started like this:

    Where Harry is a physically perfect specimen that everyone desires.

    I couldn't help but be reminded of it by this:

    Now at first it seems like a ridiculous hyper-exaggeration, and The Rise of the Grey Lords doesn't quite match up as an analogy... but it's not an exaggeration. Fundamentally, the same Gary Sue-ism and desperate author fantasizing is at work. And it's blatant, so that I can't trick myself into reading it and enjoying the vicarious perfection of this Harry's life.

    Maybe it's the shitty telling rather than showing - how many times have you x'ed out of a story when you have the author expositioning on how the girls get wet for Harry? I'd be more amendable if you'd showed it through a conservation, showing his flirtatious wit.

    I didn't get into the Yule Ball because all fics of this sort strike me as pointless. But I refrained from rating because that was a matter of my taste not aligning with the fic.

    I think this, however, is awful, Averis. I'm surprised to see you writing something like this.

    I have to say 2/5. Not deserving of the library.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2012
  6. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
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    High Score:
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    Put your fucking dukes up, bitch!!!

    ...

    Really though, comparing me to that is cold-hearted. I will admit I was far too author-inserty in the first chapter and it shows by not being as good as the second. I guess I thought that was cute in the moment, my bad. Now that I have more an idea of what I really want out of the story, and have branched into characters beside Pansy, I think my own writing will pick up with the action of the story.

    I'll make it up to you Andro. Somehow.
     
  7. Die Me Dichotomy

    Die Me Dichotomy Squib

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2012
    Messages:
    5
    Made me laugh a few times, and the silly school shenanigans style is something I get a kick out of, but the exposition is twitchy and cluttered, and the Pansy infatuation thing is bothersome (execution-wise, not judging by pairings).

    I'll still keep an eye out to see if it pulls up and vote in a couple updates.
     
  8. Lens of Sanity

    Lens of Sanity Backtraced

    Joined:
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    Hmm, yeah.
    Can't argue. Despite the source, that twatGuy has the right of it


    Die Me Dichotomy

    This is an awesome Farscape referencing name yeah?
     
  9. Die Me Dichotomy

    Die Me Dichotomy Squib

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2012
    Messages:
    5
    It is indeed.
     
  10. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
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    Fourth chapter posted to FF.Net if anyone is interested.

    This Recycling Bin is a traumatic experience because I personally think this will end up superior to Yule Ball (except Fleur isn't in this one, sorry bros). It already has a higher word count and I'm working a lot harder on it (not even a month in and I've almost got 25,000 words). Personally, I think my fatal mistake was placing it For Review before it was far enough along to see the big picture.

    WHOOPS.

    Y'all bet your bippy I'm get this joint in the library though. Fo' sho.
     
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