Well, I just read through your posted chapters, and I quite like what you've done so far. The chapters are long without being boring (which is an accomplishment) - although some of the ol' standard cliches are there (Griphook jumps out, for one), the explanations behind them are far better than average.

I'll jump on the "Rookwood is a good character" bandwagon as well; I think he's quite well developed for a crazy Death Eater.

And don't worry about rushing out chapters (unlikely that you may have been), I find reading beta'd chapters far more enjoyable - even if I have to wait.

-J

 

Chapter 8 is up, for good or for worse. It's the weakest chapter so far, which is funny, seeing how I've been writting it 4-5 months. Yup, writers blocks galore. I'm just glad I'm done with this piece of crap.

I'd like to appologize for the delay with posting this chapter. I haven't been able to get in touch with Sree, so Athenia was kind enough to come in and help me out. The beta is dead, long live the beta!

I'll now just finish the first chapter of my new story and then get on with chapter 9, which should finally end this boring set-up phase I've dug myself into.

 

So far so good IP. Just a small nitpick in the following paragraph.

You need to delete Athenia's (presumably) suggestions.

Edit: Finished the chapter. The chapter was wonderful, despite your dislike of it. The scheme you are having Harry carry out seems brilliant, and a perfect example of showing us how Harry is cunning rather than telling us. I'm finding it a little hard to believe that one conversation took up a full lengthy chapter, but, in retrospect, I guess the conversation was needed to set things up.

I only noticed one mistake that I can remember, which was when Harry was asking whether Pederson wanted to have a "peak" at the envelope. I'm reasonably sure it should be "peek".

Interesting piece of what could be foreshadowing there. I don't know whether you will have the Wizarding World reveal its presence but I, personally, am not too fond of the plot idea myself. Admittedly, there are very few fic's which do decide to do this, the only ones flitting to mind being a fic of Shezza's and one on FFA.net. Surely anyone doing magic on a Muggle photograph/video, it could be easily discarded as a hoax or, possibly, a film's special effects?

Keep up the good work.

 

Excellent new chapter. I especially liked the part where we could see the meeting from Pederson's POV. It really lowers the respect anyone could have for him and sets Harry up as a "good" or at least "better" guy than Pederson.

Also, I'd like to compliment you on keeping in tune with the rest of the story. Makin Pederson a mindless sycophant (and very predictable) shows us how Harry is getting good but he's not brilliant yet. Instead of him slamdunking Snape or Dumbledore in a confrontation he manipulates an utter fool. Showing that he's progressing but not up to that level yet. Also showing that Harry "crafted" his Gryffindor persona was also quite interesting and shows us that Harry has a basis in manipulating his way out of things and that he's just building on it, instead of suddenly recieving the gift of ultimate manipulation power from his ancestors or something equally stupid.

I also liked how the "arse-licker-head-kicker" tag applies to Hermione. Not that I expected their relationship to be the same when they see eachother again but Harry categorizing her as he would Pederson or Percy is really amusing. I'm just wondering what category Harry would place Ron in. I'd see him as an evil drill sergeant before Hermione but he doesn't respect (official authority) as much.

The whole Shacklebolt affair is very well thought out as well. In one move he is removing one of Dumbledore's main men from a position of power (maybe even getting him removed period) and, what I'm guessing, pranking the ministry and finishing his requirements. Although I'm still trying to figure out what he's going to do with Pederson after he's instated to really prank the ministry (apart from letting them appoint someone dysmal for a position on a technicality). I also liked how you didn't just tell us Harry polyjuiced himself but showed it to us, its a much more effective way and is generally more amusing as well.

There are of course a few points of criticism. The tape, the ultimate evidence in the case against Shacklebolt. Is it standard procedure that security tapes have sound? And if it is, how big is the chance that it would actually pick up one particular conversation in a restaurant instead of just background noise, or a different conversation?
Also what was the point of the entire Black history review? Except for bringing the topic of Sirius up and showing us that Harry technically can't inherit the Black family fortune (for a change, not that there is much of a fortune). Unless this turns to be a big point later on I just don't see the point of including it.

Well that's the last of it. Looking forward to your next update.

 

My secret is out in the open! Oh humanity!

I can tell you for certain that this will not happen in my story.

It's just that there are lots of things now that didn't exist decades ago - spy satelites, phone camera, security cameras at each corner, internet etc... Once the bird is out of the cage, you can't bring it back any more. It's just a matter of time before the truth gets out.

Actually, he'll do neither of those things.

Harry needs Pederson for much more serious matter than pranking the ministry (like, retrieving Sirius' black-listed file).

I

As the camera was hanging just above the table with Order members, inside the sound-proof privacy bubble, it figured it should be able to pick up conversation well enough. As for the sound recording, I suppose there are systems both with and without this feature. I guess Harry had just gotten lucky in this regard.

Of course, he would have otherwise fabricate some other evidence, but authentic tape is surely better than anything he could pull off on his own, right?

I needed to point out how Harry won't receive the Black inheritence, and neither will any Order member. Also, to explain some of Sirius' actions, like being able to access Grimmauld Place and act as Kreecher's master, but still living like a bum and being disinherited on the tapestry.

Besides, I'll need this explanation for some later plot bunnies I have in mind.

 

Despite the fact that it was filler, I thought that it was great. Good job. The whole "rewiring" aspect of the story was spot-on, so kudos for that. Believe it or not, I really enjoyed the part about the Blacks because I'm a sucker for anything about the wizarding world. Anytime someone makes something up about the wizarding world that seems plausible, it immediately hooks me. Anyways, great job portraying Pederson, great job on the plan and just an overall great job. Keep it up and update soon.

 

Well in all honesty, this wasn't exactly filler, because this development was crucial for the plot. But yeah, it was dialogue, dialogue and more dialogue. Hopefully, Harry will move his arse around somewhat in the next chapter.

 

This as you said wasn't your best chapter but still much better then what the majority of authors put up. I liked Harry's manipulations for the reason that you wrote them realistically and not just have a fresh out of the Dursley's Harry turn Fudge into his lapdog.

I saw the forshadowing as well and I hope that you'll be able to introduce muggle elements into the magical world in a realistic way. Many authors either go to one extreme or the other. Its either that muggle technology can accomplish everything that magic can or the make muggles essencially useless. I'm anxious to how you'll pull this of.

 

I liked this chapter, it really shows us what the rest of the story could be like with all the manipulations and all..

 

That was one sweet chapter. I like the way you are having Kingsley framed. Its a really big relief from all those idiotic plots in most other fics.

Hope to see more soon.

 

Great chapter, IMO, not my favourite one so far but still great. I liked the way Kingley was framed as well, and the whole plot as a way to infiltrate the ministry. I just noticed one mistake i think:

Shouldn't it be 'Wilton'?

 

You're right, thanks.

 

I just read the latest chapter and it was great, I really like how harry is not suddenly extremly skilled at manipulation and also gives a history of manipulation before he came to hogwarts.

It was great how he manipulates an idiot into place in the Ministry so he can use him in the future.

 

Great chapter, nice to see how you put Hermione under 'Arse-lickers Head-kickers". It made me chuckle.

I wonder what Ron would be put under though?

And I have a feeling that Wilton/Wilson will help out with Harry's final task to become a member of Anarchia?

Loving how you're trying ot get Shacklebolt sacked. It would make Dumledore's information from the MLE smaller, while making Harry get more information from the Idiot as I dub him.

 

For some reason, many folk came to this, wrong conclusion. This is the perfect example of why you should NEVER cut chapters to convenient chunks, like I foolishly did.

Here's the end of what is now 7th chapter.

Now, if this has remained just a passus before the line break, like it had originaly been, readers would have easily connected the purpose behind placing Pederson in position to access Sirius's criminal record. Like this, the story lost its plot thread, making it more confusing than intended.

This is a big lesson to me; from now on, I'm posting logically cut chapters, even if they are 50,000 words long.

 

I think the problem is that you've mentioned and emphasized that Harry NEEDS to humiliate the ministry. Whereas, we, the audience, don't know the significance and purpose of stealing Sirius's file. Why is that so important? We know the "Justice must be done even in death" bullshit, but that doesn't jive with the rest of the story's realism.

BUT we know Harry MUST humiliate the ministry. Something FAR more urgent to us.

This isn't a chapter flaw in my opinion, its a writing mistake where you've emphasized the wrong thing.

That's not to say the story is bad. ITs GREAT, and one of the few consistently good HP stories out there. But this was a mistake.

I liked the neew chapter, although it felt over long and repetitive at times. That's it from me.

Update soon!

 

You know what? You're absolutely right.

I had made Harry admit that he forgot all about the last rate of the payment, a few chapters ago. And I had made him swear he'll see the matter of Sirius' death cleared up.

But you're right that I failed to emphasize these motivations enough throughout the story.

I guess I should have worked more on pointing out that Harry WAS hit by Sirius' death. By starting the story 40-50 days after the incident, I gave him time to get past the grieving stage and jumped right into the 'seeking revenge with a cold head' stage. On several occasions I had hinted that Sirius' death is still a sore spot for Harry, but I should have better described the way that incident motivated him, rather than turned him into a snivelling wreck.

I guess I was just dead set on avoiding the whole issue of grieving for Sirius all post-OOTP stories are full off, that I went too far and disregarded it completely, expecting from readers to take that aspect for granted.

In my defence, things should clear up somewhat in the next chapter, when I start the subplot of the ministry prank.

 

So, when can we expect this new chapter? You've really set the stage for an amazing ending here.