Omfg!! I Swear To God If One More Person Says Something In This Thread Before He Updates, They Won't Be Around Much Longer!

 

I completely agree Void.

 

Now I get to be a dumbass who asks the question that I won't get an answer for or I'll get an answer but it will be the answer to something else.

What do you know that we don't know?

 

I was right!

 

[SPOILERS AHEAD; if you’ve not read the story yet, shame on you and get a move on, but don’t read this first]

After a week of planning to write it, three days of announcing I was working on it, and finally a mere few hours dedicated to it here and there… I managed to write that review at last. I can already hear the sniggers of the IRC squad.

Anyway, here’s your review!

First, the general impression; I’m warning you, I am about to stroke your ego absolutely shamelessly.

No matter how many caps I use, no matter how much vocabulary or idiotic netspeak I can gather in one sentence, no matter how many exclamation marks I can type without getting the ‘!’ key definitely stuck, I will never be able to express how much I love everything about this story. This is the kind of writing that makes me stare in awe at my screen and mumble the text aloud, just to hear the sound of it and marvel at the musicality of the sentences. This is the kind of writing that makes my eyes widen and my heart beat twice as fast as usual. This is the kind of story that plants itself in my mind and never moves out of it again; these are the kind of mysteries that swirl around in my brain and never give me a moment a peace, tantalizing me with unanswered questions and making me yearn for more. And now I’ll stop before I become too lyrical. (I can hear the ‘Too late…’ from where I am sitting.)

Alright then, now I’ve proclaimed my undying love for Queens, it’s time to get picky about these little things no one cares about but the stupidly perfectionist French reader (and your humble servant, may I add) who just wants this jewel of a story to be perfect.

I thought I wouldn’t have to comment on the grammatical/stylistic stuff again, but I still have a few remarks, so let’s get rid of those.

A point I had already evoked in my first review: the use of fragments of sentences. At some places it was useless, and even artificial; as a result it nearly broke the flow of the sentences. For example, in the description of Voldemort’s army and fortress, there were sentences like, “Kindred being another label for the entire vampire commune.” or “The vampire clans of the Camarilla.” or “Led by their Alpha, Fenrir Greyback.” They are informative and describe a mere fact, therefore the effect (as using fragments put an emphasis on what you’re saying) is useless; worse still, it brings a note of melodrama to your style of writing, that it really doesn’t need. Otherwise, using fragments as you do later on during Harry’s fight against the Incubi and his fall creates a wonderfully well-placed effect; it stills the action for a split-second, making me appreciate in contrast the quick succession of the events told.

I evoked also, in that paragraph in which I was basically kneeling at your feet and worshipping the ground you walk on, the musicality of your sentences. They are musical. They are exceptionally well constructed and well articulated; but I noticed a redundancy in the way you build your sentences some times: you use binary sentences a tad too often.

By binary sentences (again, musical term… sorry for using my own jargon), I mean a sentence divided in two parts by a comma; the more recurrent type for those sentences is the [main clause] + [clause in progressive] type. Ex.:

“James Potter smiled warmly, chin resting in the palm of his hand at dining table.”

Those are perfectly fine; but when you use three of them in quick succession it tends to make your style a tad boring. Such as:

“James smiled, playfully biting at the finger near his face. The redhead pulled her hand back just in time, laughing and smacking him lightly across the back of his head. He leaned back in his chair, watching his wife move back to the sink.”

When you read those carefully, you notice that the text settles in a binary rhythm, a bit like the monotonous walk of… some large animal like a camel. God, I would never have thought I would use a camel to make a comparison with your style of writing. It almost sounds like a blasphemy… Anyway, it’s not a mistake, strictly speaking, but it’s a little clumsy. I do that all the time when writing, myself; then suddenly I realise I have a full paragraph in binary rhythm and I try to break the monotony by inserting sentences built in a different way.

That’s it for the grammar/style talk. I realise that, given the length of your chapters, you don’t really have the time to reread your whole chapter and try to rephrase the (very slightly) boring sounding sentences; just thought I’d point it out anyway… Can’t do any harm, can it?

On to the interesting stuff:

I was able, in your prologue, to appreciate your gift for writing entirely different situations and atmospheres; but you surprised me again here: you abruptly switch from a very cheerful scene (with the Potter family having dinner in a warm atmosphere) to a few seconds of total panic, and finally, to a fight scene a la Thalarian. I love that bit. The contrast of tones is striking and the transitions flawless.

This flashback was easily the best scene about James Potter’s last moments that I have ever read. I loved the way you characterised him; deeply human, very proud (if I am to judge from the very last minute of his life), and a very good fighter relying a lot on his instincts and agility. In some way, he reminds me of Harry; if Harry had had a taste of his father’s happiness, instead of having the threat of Voldemort plaguing his adolescence and adulthood, this is how I would have portrayed him. A little more thoughtful, maybe… I like being able to see James as Harry’s father. Too often, he is portrayed as someone completely different.

You must be the only author who gave James some justice in his duel against Voldemort. We knew he was exceptionally gifted as a wizard, and that he had managed to escape Voldemort three times before that 31st of October 1981. Yet, the majority of authors writing his last duel make him cast a few spells before having him killed. Here you emphasized his obvious abilities, playing on an impressive spell casting and an exploitation of his surroundings that I had yet to see in a HP fanfic. I loved the detailed descriptions of both duellists’ actions (James tossing the chair at Voldemort, or diving behind the fridge door). I was able to picture the scene absolutely effortlessly, and as I am quite lazy as a reader (though not so much so as a reviewer) and don’t want to make too many efforts, you deserve 5/5 just for that.

The last sentence of the flashback, in which James pictures Lily dancing and laughing with their baby, was the cherry on top of the cake.

This flashback, and especially James’ thought that he would forever have the last word, brought into light exactly how twisted and perverse Voldemort’s actions were when he brought James and the others back from among the dead. In doing so, not only did he violate their memories, he also betrayed their last wills and made them deny everything they fought for, lived for and died for. This also brings back the mystery surrounding the ritual that brought them back to life, and whatever is going on in the Dark Warriors’ heads.

Moving on:

You spend quite a lot of time detailing Voldemort’s strengths. Even if I had the feeling it was a tad too long—you may have wanted to skip some details about the different tribes, even if it means revealing these details later in the story—it still was an original take on Voldemort’s army. By making it so formidable and terrifying, you gave a new dimension to the war and revealed exactly how desperate the Order’s fight is. The bounty hunters in particular were a nice touch. Voldemort’s fortress was perfectly in tune with the aura of dreaded power emanating from the Dark Lord; one thing surprised me though: the throne made of bones. It could either be seen as a (forgive me) rather cheap effect to make Voldemort appear more deadly still; or, as a reminder of Voldemort’s true nature as a bloodthirsty and beastly monster, despite his haughtiness. I chose the latter, but well… I’m biased .

This more realistic view on the war is reinforced during the Order’s meeting; I liked how you gave us the ‘background’ of the war, thus enabling the reader (me, at the very least ) to set the story, characters and events in a perfectly defined context. The developments of the war alone would be enough to arouse my curiosity (example of the ships and Gargoyles).

While I’m talking about the Order meeting: good characterisation of… pretty much everybody! It was nice to know a little about each and every one of them, too. About the three Slytherins: you used, for their background stories, a good number of clichés which kind of caught me off guard. Zabini falling in love with a Muggle (you seem to realise how predictable that twist was, your of course made me smile) and especially, falling in love with her because she lashed out at him for running into her… Tracey Davis adopting a little girl crying over her dead parents… Daphne Greengrass marrying a member of the Order… Although you wrote them well and managed to grab my interest despite everything, it seemed to me that you were overdoing the pathos a little; especially with the girls’ stories. On the other hand, the conclusion of Zabini’s story was perfectly done. The soberness of your style fitted wonderfully with the general register, giving out an impression of cold determination from Zabini.

I think I said it in my first review, but I’ll mention it again just in case: you inadvertently brought Fred back to life; he was supposed to be dead in the prologue. You might want to fix that (that, and the date at the beginning of the chapter; but I think you were told that already).

Something else took me unawares: the fact that you mentioned Cho and Fleur’s fathers as Ministers for Magic in their respective countries. I mean… it sounds so much like the easy way out, what are the odds that Harry would be friends with the daughters of two Ministers? It kind of destabilised me here… You are constantly off the beaten track, and I love that; but little details like the one I just pointed out can be a bit of a mood-killer. That’s a little too easy. Anyway… that’s a very small thing, and I mentioned it only for the sake of constructive criticism.

I loved the idea of Hogwarts re-opening. The school coming back to life is an oddly cheering thought in an otherwise very dark fiction; and it sounds so much like a thing Harry would do—try to rebuild the one stable place he was ever able to take refuge in as the world around him darkened and collapsed. Once again, perfect characterisation. You show here a very touching side of Harry’s personality, without making him wallow in self-pity; quite the contrary, his strength of will shows when he stands up to Daphne and the other members protesting against his decision of leaving the Order.

Something else about Hogwarts: the ghosts and portraits helping in ensuring the continuation of the spells protecting the school was a great idea. Your way of using every little detail in your story keeps surprising me.

The passage about Hogwarts reopening brings me to talk about the relationship between Fleur and Harry. I couldn’t help noticing how close they seemed to be. There is something very pure, infinitely delicate and soft going on between them. Their relationship seems to be built for a great part on understanding and mutual respect, but the way Fleur seems to always want to comfort Harry and ease the weight on his shoulders—and most importantly, the way Harry accepts being comforted and lets himself go in her presence—makes me think there is much more than a simple friendship between them. I am looking forward to see the future developments of their relationship.

Oh, and speaking of Fleur… I think I should publish a lesson of French accent somewhere. You wrote it quite well, but with a couple of weird mistakes.

Here, you mixed up the two ‘th’ sounds. Not the worst mistake ever, but ah—if I have an area of expertise, it’s that one.

Moving on:

Before I get into the best part of the chapter, I can’t not mention the mysteries surrounding the sword of Gryffindor—where is it? What power bonds it to Harry?—and the enigmatic and exceedingly intriguing words of the centaur… You manage to hook me on your story from every direction. If I dropped it now, I would probably die of curiosity.

Okay, so now… Harry’s mission has begun. Well, I’m afraid that I won’t have many comments about that part—I stayed rooted to my chair, my eyes glued to the screen, for the rest of the chapter. This was a part one can only savour, and hardly comment on. The ritual, the depiction of the garden of Eden as a hell as opposed to the heavenly images its name usually brings to mind, Harry’s journeying through the garden, his fight against the demons (male or female alike), his mistakes and his victories, everything is exceptionally original and enthralling.

You made him overcome tremendous difficulties, but in a believable way—barely relying here or there on the incredible luck most fanfic authors attribute to Harry. And you made him reach his goal. It wasn’t easy, clean and neat; it was hard, sometimes gruesome and always deadly. And the extraordinary richness of your language (both in vocabulary and phrasing) enabled me, once again, to be completely sucked into the story. It was real; it was almost palpable.

I feel I need to comment on Lilith. This OC has a very strong personality, absolutely devilish, frightfully powerful, and at the same time with the same mocking and whimsical attitude as a child. The effect created is striking. She’s a wonderful character, hardly likeable yet strangely seducing.

I liked the smut. Contrary to a lot of stories, I didn’t get the impression that the smut was the main point of the chapter; your earlier explanation about how sex was the best way to bring these women under control, and also, of course, Lilith’s devilish and lustful nature, were enough to ensure the smut wasn’t gratuitous. Sure, gratuitous smut isn’t a bad thing in itself (I’ve read Vash’s stories for God’s sake ) but here it only adds to the chapter; it doesn’t become the point of the chapter itself. It was… just as well-written as the rest of the chapter, with impressive skill!

It was as much a sex scene (or rather, rape scene) as a fight scene. The battle for dominance was extremely well expressed and kept me on the edge of my seat to the end of the chapter. And the end, with Harry savagely savouring his dearly paid victory, but at the same time still being dimly aware that he had, in fact, just moved the first chess piece on the Light side of the board… was just what was needed to make me crave for more.

With that chapter, you embarked us all in a long and fascinating trip. Whoever manages to read all the way to that last sentence and decides to drop the fic just now… well, let’s say that I’ll be happy to dissect them until I’ve found out what the hell is wrong with them.

Until the next chapter.

--Tinn

 

Holy fuck... Well, any review I could possibly leave now is going to look like utter drivel after Tinn's. But I'll give it a shot...

First off, let me just say that I am blown away by your writing Thal. The shear level of detail that has gone (and since you say every additional Queen/Lady is going to be as in depth a process, will continue to go) into this story is mind-boggling.

One of my favorite things has to be (well... besides the plot... and the writing) that the smut doesn't take over the story. Tinn hit it dead on with her comments about that and I agree. The smut (while glorious) coexists with the plot you've woven, and is not dominate over it.

Hmm.. lame compared to Tinn's. I'll try to do a proper in-depth review after the Hols are over.

Edit: Blast! I've just found out that I can't +rep anyone for a while yet... so anyone care to +rep Tinn for me for that awesome review?

 

Good story. 4.5/5 I agree with the other compliments. Now for the complaints...

I'd like to ask you, however, Why 7? Is 7 such a magically powerful number? You might've explained it in the Prologue - since I don't remember much from that (I read it months ago) - but if you haven't, you should soon.

Personally, I think that 7's a tad too much. I mean, you're going to have to develop 7 OOCs while most have trouble with one. And, in my opinion, it would be very hard to come up with 7 chapters with completely new and unique obstacles and twists (although you've done very well with this one).

What was the purpose of the scene with Harry's parents? It seemed pointless and just took up a large amount of space. Then again, I'm a hypocrite, since I skipped it altogether.

Obviously there are flaws in Harry's ritual. He'll have to improve it tremendously *hint, hint*.

Why did Harry go after Lilith first? It seems to me that she's the most dangerous. I personally think he should've started out easy - say with Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff - and then gradually gotten to more powerful foes. Explain in the story. Maybe she isn't that powerful or maybe she was the only person he could get to (with the other women having a lack of information about them). You kind of did say that in the chapter, now that I think about it. Maybe make it more obvious.

I also think that Lilith is far too cunning, powerful, and proud to just give in to Harry. She's going to find a way to break or weaken the ritual soon no matter how strong it is, being a demon queen. I'd recommend that Harry bind her far more thoroughly and with more than one ritual to prevent her escape or freedom.

You have good historical and cultural hints placed throughout the story. Especially the women: I love the context of Lilith.

So, overall, a very good story coming out just fine.

 

Remember, Dumbledore tells Harry that 7 is believed to be the best magical number. It's supposed to be the most potent number to give magic more power. (As it's stated with Voldemort's 7 horcruxes). I admit that it's a bit convenient for Harry to have seven shards, but that will be explained later on in the story.

As far as the 7 OOC personalities are concerned, don't worry I'm pretty well thought out on that one. It won't be entirely difficult if I stick to my guns on how the characters were percieved in history (Or the game for Viconia, or the absolute OC Giselle.)

The biggest factor here that willl help dictate them is balance. Here's a rough breakdown on how this will look.

Sultry, seductive, bloodthirsty and manipulative = Gently alluring, charming, serene and honest

Cold, distant, apathetic and curt = Warm, nurturing, caring and approachable

Angered, vicious and hateful = Calm, peaceful and composed

Unsure, damaged, and confused.

Now you can see that while somewhat similar, it's going to be each woman's polar opposite that helps their characters, as well as their interactions with Harry. You're right that it would be hard to create all 7 OCC's. But it won't be hard if I can use each one, use Harry and the rest of the HP universe, to mold them into believable, faulty, true characters. On top of that, each Art (Hint Hint ) that the women possess will make them unique to themselves and to Harry. I've taken great pains to mold each one out, wrap her in a way that would make her somewhat believable and try and integrate her with the story. Each one will help him (Or hurt him) in their own way.

It's only two chapters in, but once I get the entire ball rolling, the roles they play and the importance to the major impact to the story and everything will start to come forward. I only ask that you take the time to get to know the OC's as I'll try and make them as realistic and noteworthy as I can.

As far as the environments, that is something else I've also taken a lot of time to think out and create. They might be similar, they might not. But Harry won't have it easy no matter what he does. I don't want to spoil too much, but expect him to be in different places fighting different things.

It's less about the environments, but more about what he does there, as you stated. I know IP said earlier to try and make sure it doesn't get repetative. Any fight scene is repetative. It's a fight. Someone against someone else. The only way to make it unique is where you place it, who it places with, and WHAT they are against.

I'm trying to build on each of these to make the confrontations unique. Harry will fight a lot. He will be in dire situations a lot during this, but he will also be fighting differeint things each time. Using different magic constantly, and also overcoming traps that vary. Some that are even based on the historical (Or faithful) events that have happened, or have been believed to have happened.

The purpose behind that is pretty much spot on with what Tinn and a few other reviewers pointed out.

1.) I hated how canon really provided no information into exactly how James and Lily passed on. And the bit I found that apparently follows canon only has him telling Lily to run before he was AK'd. Rather pathetic since they were supposed to have escaped Voldemort three times. So I wanted to do his character death justice.

2.) Also what some reviewers had pointed out, it was to paint the contrast of who they once were, and what they are now. Their human selves from their reborn selves. It's also to show just how far he was willing to go to save Harry even though now he's out to kill him.

I'm sorry you felt it pointless, but to forewarn you, each chapter will show one of their passings, to coincide with each woman that Harry is going for.

There's going to be varying flaws from point to point, so what you saw with this one, may not be what happens with the next, or even the one after that. While the ritual will be a bit repetative I'll admit, I'll try and change it around just enough that it doesn't seem like the one before it.

Harry thought to himself about this when he was flying through the F. Forest. He went after Lilith first (And this next woman) because they were the most unknown to him and the biggest risks. But they would also be the biggest payoffs if he was able to enslave them. Coupled with the fact that he had no idea how the ritual would effect him (Be it good or bad), he felt these ones would be easier if he was at full strength.

You're absolutely right. Lilith is far too proud. But also, she's just been resurrected. Harry has already made a statement that she might not be to her true strength yet. Of course, she might be, she might not be. That remains to be seen.

She's a demon queen, but even she can be dominated, especially if caught off guard as you saw. Her character and how she deals with the ritual will be unique, as will the others. It's not something I can hint at further for fear of destroying a major part of my story, but consequences with the ritual and problems with it's power might come up. It really depends on whether it's conducive to the story.


Anyways, thanks for the love, and for everyone else (Especially TINN) and I promise the next chapter is very close to being finished. I'm just trying to make sure everything goes smoothly and that I don't fuck anything up because I want to give you all the best story my writing abilities can handle.


Just be patient. It'll be worth it. I hope

 

when's this updte coming? PLEASE!!!!

 

Only if you have no desire to see tomorrow my friend. >_> My cult of Hedwig will tear you apart!

But seriously, I do have a cult of Hedwig..

 

Very Very False Surry my friend. I know this for sure.

 

Not that I don't trust Thal's writing skills, but I (as both a reader and writer) prefer betas to take their time as they go over the work. If this extends the wait time a few days, so be it. I believe it worth the delay.

 

very nicely written keep it up

 

Finally read this story. Quite good. 4.34/5.

I read the ficwad version and was wondering if you could post in the same format there as you did on ff.net. I had to write a program that parsed the text and remove the indentation and extra space so it looked like the ff.net version to make it easier to read on my handheld.

 

I read it yesterday and really liked the story. while the chapters are long, they are not boring. i am looking forward to next chapter.

 

Very nice ideas on the plot so far and I thought it was brilliantly written. Maybe a little less angsting about his friends now that we all know the backstory to it would be good. Apart from that I feel there's nothing else to complain about.

Overall a very good read. I patiently await the next chapter, hopefully the rest of the story will continue at this standard.

 

Please don't post ANYONE unless this story is updated. (the above post wasn't in depth enough for me to consider it worthy of resucitating this thread.)

Don't even respond to this post. This story hasn't been updated in over 6 weeks. That's on Hiatus in my book.

Done.