1/5, I tried to read this story, I really did, but in the end it was just FAIL. too much OOC.

 

I really like the AU you've created, it's easy to imagine how this could very well have happened if wizards had stunted the technological growth of muggles. Wizards would stagnate in the medieval ages on their own as more or less shown in cannon.

I like the plot and the rate at which it progresses (barring Harry's inordinately long flight to Matterdon - it took me three days to force myself to get through that small portion of one chapter). The characterization is again fairly solid and diverges enough from cannon to be believable.

Now for the problems.

i) The pseudo abuse Harry suffered from the Dursleys was unnecessary. Plain and simple. You wrote about how he was the bastard son of an imaginary bother of Petunia's... why? He could just as easily have been a legitimate son, I mean they've gone to the trouble of creating an imaginary sibling and then gone ahead and said he's a bastard son and therefore has to be abused. In attempting to keep a semblance of cannon events in your story you managed to alienate the reader (I speak at least for myself here) and introduce unnecessary angst.

It's a whole new world, Harry doesn't have to be abused to be kept a secret. In fact abusing him only serves to make him a more prominent in Durbin. If it doesn't have an impact on the plot (and frankly I don't see how it can) I suggest you tweak this. It won't make a difference to the story and makes the Dursleys more likable (as they should be in your AU).

ii) Why are all the Houses English? The Longbottoms are English, why do their lands include a large chunk of Spain? You have divided all of Europe up among twelve prominent English families and forgotten about the rest of Europe.

I understand how this helps lend an air of familiarity to the reader, but you could have achieved the same effect by only splitting England up between the families. It just seems highly unrealistic that every Pureblood family in Europe (and think about there, there would be just as many there too) would quietly acquiesce to some Brits taking all their land and prestige.

You've created a brand new world, creating a few fictional families won't bother the reader too much.

If the four Hogwarts founders split Europe up (again, how did four English wizards get presumptuous enough to tell the rest of Europe who to give their lands to) why didn't they create house for their families. You can argue this one away with a multitude of reasons : their families might not have been that powerful, they were humble people etc etc
Even considering all that, you could have given them at least minor Houses. You shouldn't be scared of bringing in OCs in a world as alien as yours. A few well written OCs would really lend an air of authenticity to your AU.

iii) How on earth did Ginny initially meet Draco? The two families loathe each other. Even if Draco hated his dad, Ginny most certainly doesn't hate hers and she at the very least would have been brought up to hate Draco.

Bill mentions his dad asking for the first time in his life. His dad is used to giving orders and having them followed to the letter. It seems odd that Ginny would initially disobey one as simple as 'do not venture into Malfoy territory'. Granted after they met and fall in love she would be willing to disregard her father to meet him.

Also, how on earth did Ginny get so spoiled? Like I said her father gives orders and gets them followed, has he been so removed from his only daughter's life that turned out the way she did?

iv) Voldemort doesn't have a family wand. In your story family wands are the most high overpowered artifacts ever. They amplify your power no end, making you nigh unbeatable. How does a man without access to a family wand, and indeed without access to a wand/focus of any sort (if he had access to one he would have already been forced to swear fealty to a House - something even he can't break out of) force the Lords of four of the most powerful Houses (each with access to family wands and an army with access to wands and other foci) to bow before him? Just doesn't make sense.

v) Harry's staff! I simply can't get my head around that one. A staff that's nearly two millenia old (Neville's dad's wand was useless because it was so old) with runes carved on magic. Doesn't that seem a bit overpowered for you? Eve for fanfiction?

How can Harry use it? "The wand chooses the owner". How is its magic compatible with his? The family wands I can bring myself to understand, with the blood binding et al.

vi) The writing style is a chore to read and grammatical errors dot the text. The plot moves well enough for it to be overlooked but if you want it to go from a good piece to a legendary one you really need to take another look at the writing.

Anyway, the fact that I wrote so much means I really rate your story and think that with a little bit of tweaking it could become really good. Just think about what I said, maybe you have an explanation for each point maybe you don't but I think incorporating a few changes or explanations would help.

4/5

EDIT : One more thing, why are there so many more muggles than wizards? From whatever I can make out, you tried to merge the battle styles in Eragon with Harry Potter. In cannon, with wizards having to seclude themselves from muggles and therefore having only small, hidden tracts of lands, it's easy to see why muggles so outnumber wizards. But in your AU with wizards dominating and having no need for hiding, it seems reasonable that the numbers of wizards and muggles would be around the same. Especially considering how the muggles were slaughtered in that initial battle.

EDIT EDIT : Why's it rated M?

 

I think you are the only person to date who has broken down the text in that way, and for that I am very grateful. I'll respond to each point in kind.

i. The abuse was for him to remain hidden. The legitimate son of Petunia's relative treated with respect might give away who he was. If the person knew Lily was linked to James. A bastard child treated with harsh words would be far unlikely and would be overlooked. And was till Dursley said Potter. I also held reservations of having him not abused, but chose to stick to canon in some regards. I was hoping to ease the reader in with both strange and familiar. This was fail.

ii. For what I have planned for this fiction later on...having it solely in england would not quite have worked. I want it to encompass England, Russia, and the Middle East, with North Africa thrown in also. And how did four English wizards conquer Europe? I've got the history in my head, I just don't have it in the fic yet. That is where Dumbledore comes in and explains about Salazar's betrayal. Ever wonder why there are no wand makers, that is thanks to Salazar. I'll give some of that early history here. They built a school for children and opened its gates for the first time. A battle in hogsmeade drew the founders away and muggles came-in and slaughtered the children. Rigteous fury consumed them and they turned their talents to war. There's more to it, of course, but that is the basis. When the four took their crusade to Europe, the other families and magicborn resisted. They were conquered for being blind.

iii. Ginny is a bitch. I've written that way on purpose. An experiment with that type of personality. How she met Draco was by accident when actively being belligerent. Her father never told her to stay out of their territory because he did not see the need to. He thought the fact they murdered so many of his family was deterent enough. For a rebellious girl it was not. And yes, he is that far removed from his family. Molly's focus was not just on her own children but the other magicborn being taught there. I think somewhere in the future I should clarify how she and Draco met.


iv. It does make sense if you understand the power that Voldemort wields. His powerful and skilled enough to match one of the Heads of House in a duel. He however had an edge he made them very aware of. I'll not give away that particular suprise, but there is a reason he was feared by them.


v. The wand chooses the owner. In the wands made by Ollivander yes, the wand does. Those wands were never made. I think that particular branch of wand making happened over time, while the first were just powerful foci. I also did not think the power of a wand faded with time. Otherwise every old wizard would want a new wand in canon. I just thought it was not very compatible with Neville, because the magic that made it was designed for it to choose one wizard. The staff is just a powerful focus made my Merlin. Its strength is roughly that of family wand, a little less actually. The runes themselves only serve the purpose to deflect magical spells. I had wanted to give Harry something powerful, and little original also.

As to the muggles versus magicborn. I see it as genetic. The gene is mostly recessive so even with breeding out in the open I think there would still be more muggles.

Now, I sat down and countered each complaint you had using the logic I have based on my story. So I can justify every piece of knowledge you had a problem with, and will fix confusion.

However, it doesn't matter how much I can justify my work if there was a problem there to begin with. So I ask, to help prevent such confusion in future updates, how can I fix this? How can I place into the text subtle hints justifying some actions and showing why some things are the way they are? Is it lack of faith in the author that people doubt it? Or are the descripancies that bad?

A final issue I must ask. My english teacher said my writing style was archiac, that was nine years ago. NMB said the exact same thing, but in both cases no one has given me example of how? He showed a block of text, but maybe I am blind. You mentioned it yourself that the writing style was chore to read. I understand this. Yet, I cannot see it. Others have read it and not mentioned a problem reading it, but a few have. I need to know how I am making it hard? Is it in the dialogue, the descriptions? Is it how the sentences are put together? Is it from over-used statements? Or does the problem lie in my choice of words? If you can I'd like examples, if that is not too much to ask.

It may sound like I am defensive above, but that is not my intent. I saw most of the problems being based on not having enough information in the text, which I know I can rectify. The fact you sat down and offered that critique is welcome, and I have looked at each point and thought how to apply it. Thanks again for helping me and reading my work.

 

I won´t rate this since this is far to AU for me to read.

Seriously, they only reason you have the name Harry Potter in this story is so that your story will be spread amongst a broader circle of potential readers.

Could it be interesting? Maybe.
Is it Harry Potter? No.

If i want to read a random fantasy story i go to the nearest bookshop and buy something that is actually written by a real author who´s profession it is to not use bad grammar.

 

Uh...quick assumptions that truly hold no basis to be honest. I respect the first sentence in that post, though. You did not rate it because it was very AU. Thank-you.

I've taken liberties. A lot of them, only because I could not sit down and write an actually Harry goes to Hogwarts story. I tried to write a time-travel one, but it fizzled in my mind. From there I thought about a medieval setting for the characters, but could not think how to do it. The story I'm writing blossomed from there.

As to going to the store and reading any old fantasy? Go right ahead, try the used bookstores, they have books there for pretty cheap. Otherwise go ahead and shell out eight bucks a book if you want.

Ah, on that list you might want to check into Jbern's original work. It's a decent read.

As to the implication I wanted this among a greater audience? Nope. Wrong assumption. My first work was zelda based because that game and its mythos captivated me. As I went from reading those fanfics I stumbled upon the HP fanfics. Well, I finished my first story and wanted to write another. Harry Potter was consuming my mind, so I figured heck, why not. See above to why I took so many liberties from there.

I'll take criticism and use it. I'll take flames and use them as well. If a person tries to divine my intentions as to why I'm writing something...I try not to get angry. It's difficult, but I'm not insulting you nor will I. Just refrain from assuming too much about a person's intentions in the future, because most of the time you'll be wrong.

Thank-you, though, for at least taking the time to read it. That much I appreciate.

 

I'm feeling to lazy to actually go through your story again to find some example of what I was talking about. Instead I'll use some of the sentences other people have quoted.

In the dialogues its understandable why you might want to use Victorian English, but the fact is that even your descriptions use such English. Also, you've gone ahead and interspersed very stiff English and with words like "bro", "what's" and "don't" thus losing any formality you were trying to introduce.

The sentences could have been :
"Don't tell you uncle or we'll all have another big fight."

and

"Try and look ashamed for the crowd. I know you're tired, but hopefully the brief rest will let you last a few more bouts."

and

"What's bothering you?"

You see how all of these (well the last one was just removing the informality) are now easier to read? More in keeping with the English used nowadays?

That's it right there. If he was legitimate, then he would have to have been treated with respect anyway. Look, you can argue it either way but it's a very small part of the story. If you're worried about easing the reader into the story then you've already done the damage by making the Dursleys nice. Making them also be mean to Harry won't ease the transition any.

As someone earlier in the thread said, by making the Dursleys nice and giving them prominent roles you're alienating the reader. OCs would've done less damage. But now that you've made the Dursley's nice and made Vernon a hero you're making the reader empathize with them. They die a horrible death, but face it bravely. You've made them heroes, so looking at it this way, making them mean (even if only for appearances) you've alienated the reader further.

I said it before but it bears repeating: it's a very small part of your story, you can still edit the cruelty out or replace OCs in their stead. Either would be better at easing the reader into your AU.

I can understand the need for the different geographies, but other than deserts and tundra you pretty much have all the different landscapes you need in the UK. I'm just saying that at this stage of your story you can still edit it to be more realistic with only minor changes required in your head.

You talk about the founders invading Europe and killing the magicborn there. This is unlikely on two levels:

i) If they hated muggles so much they could have gone about their genocide without touching the wizards. If you're strong enough to completely eradicate the wizards, you're easily strong enough to hold them at bay while the muggles are killed. Righteous anger would never allow a person to enslave another who wasn't the cause of the righteous anger.

ii) They would already have been involved in a bloody battle with the muggles in their country. To then proceed to conquer all of Europe wizarding and muggle seems unlikely at best. Conquerors work by forcing those they conquer to fight for them, so are you then suggested that righteous anger against muggles allowed them to enslave their own kind? To wage war against and kill their own kind? People they had no squabbles with?

Hmm... at the end that was pretty much a repetition of the earlier point, but the point still holds. Even tactically it would have been very difficult for them to conquer Europe from England. If they started their campaign in France, they would have been open to three fronts (as every country in Europe would've declared war on them). I could on about the tactical point of view, but its unnecessary and would take a long time

This would make a lot more sense if you wrote that instead of family wands amplifying your power they merely allowed you to use your full power whereas other foci dampened your power. Then the wands remain very important weapons but no longer insurmountable ones. So a crudely fashioned weapon by Voldemort wouldn't have been too much of a barrier for him

 

I had not thought the Dursley's dying that way would make them heroes in the eyes of the reader. Hadn't thought of that. I just wanted them to be more realistic than I thought they were portrayed in Canon. I'm debating editing out the mean stuff, but I will ultimately keep the Dursley's in. I thank everyone for their thoughts on that, though. I need to think some more on the mean stuff...


The dialogues everyone has pointed out I am in the process of editing them to make them more legible. The later dialogues are not as skewed as in those opening chapters. Save the 'bro' bit. My wife mentioned it also, and I think it slipped through my editing phase.

I use the same awkwardness in the text? This is not good since I am going for clarity. I did not want to make it confusing or hard to read. I thought pretty hard on the style and in the next chapter I'll be doing a slight experiment on the writing style. Going back to a more simplistic writing rather than trying to make it too complex and wordy.

As for location? I'll stick with what I have in mind. It's a gamble I realize, but it's something I feel I have to try. Pushing myself as a writer and all.

As for the genocide? I'm not sure where that idea stemmed from. I don't recall trying to hint at in my text anywhere. What I was trying to go for was domination. None of the Founders, even in righteous fury save for Salazar, could do that. They dominated. Conquered and set muggles beneath them.

As for conqueror set the conquered to fight for them? Sure, it works in some cases. Rome being prominent along with Egypt in some cases and the Persia Empire. Not always in those cases, though. If we turn to World War II we see Germany conquering europe, but they didn't turn the native people into their army. They subjugated them. In the past I see the founders going into Europe calling for the wizard-kind to rise-up and overthrow the muggles. I think some of those wizards would have done that. Not genocide, but conquest. Some joined, some resisted. A very long and bloody war followed, encompassing several decades.

At the end, Europe fell, but they met resistance in Africa, the middle east and Russia. They stopped, tired of war and then sat down to ensure things stayed with wizards in charge. That is where the houses come in play. I'm stopping there because the next part gets invovled and will be explained by Dumbledore sometime down the line. I hope you see the plausibility of it all. I've done a lot of research into war and its reasons and outcomes, hoping to instill some realism in my works. It is possible to tactically argue the point both ways for them conquerer and for them not to conquerer.

As for the wands. I think we have opposing views on how they work in Canon. I see a wizard as having potential to do magic. They have problems doing it wandlessly, as she has stated, so they invented foci to help them do magic better. As time wore-on their foci got better and better at helping them channel their magical potential. So I don't see a wand as a dampener, but an amplifyer. Since Ollivander's wands have been removed, they only have old wands and misc. to relay on. Enter the family wands that are very powerful amplifyers.

Voldemort is one of this century's most powerful wizards. Give him a regular wand and he could match any head of house. None really compare in power to him save Harry and Dumbledore. To make matters worse, in my fic, it was Albus that trained a very young Tom Riddle. He has additional surprises that make him an extremely dangerous opponent. It is nothing he has done to his body, though. I'll stop there, I really don't want to spoil this for most readers.

I thank-you again for the time to help. I'm arguing I realize, but only the points where I feel I have validation. The past and the wands. Everything else, you're pretty much correct on. Thanks again.

 

Well, it wasn´t my meaning to flame but after re-reading my post i can see that it was a little aggressive. What i basically meant was that this was a little to AU for me to enjoy. You have to admit that it´s very little Harry Potter in this story, which is fine, just not for me.

English isn´t my native tongue so the grammar problems that some people are giving you criticism for wen´t unnoticed by me. I only noticed the mistakes when people pointed them out in this thread which led me to assume that the story had bad grammar (everyone was saying it^^) even though i didn´t notice it myself (i almost never do).

Well, enough asslicking, this is probably a good story but I´m ust to lazy to get the hang of a whole new world where everything is different

 

Chapters are fairly long, that's the first thing I noticed. Personally I have no preference, but longer chapters mean longer waits between chapter usually. The story is extremely interesting and very original and that itself makes it worthwhile to check out. Other than the grammar (which many people did point out already) it's a great story

 

This is one is updated. I like the new chapter.

 

So I just started reading this story. While some parts are a OOC and difficult to get through. Also there's some parts that just don't flow with the time period.

However, its a very interesting story and I have to say its my new story to read.

 

I couldn't have agreed more. After Alicia died, it way better. I have a feeling that the author is going to bring some of the characters back to life. I am totally against that, because it will kill the story.

Thinks I liked:

Alicia dieing
Weasley's losing their power
Harry being the Heir of Sirius Black

I hope you(author) continue writing this great epic... It starts out OOC but gets better.

 

This got updated again. It remains very entertaining to me.

 

This story continues to amaze me. It started off extremely A.U. but after a few chapters it started to pick up. it's on my story alerts, and will be on my favorites list soon.

 

I like it, I guess. It's pretty 'out there', but it's written well enough to keep reading.

 

5/5 This is the kind of Story I Love to read. Thank you

 

I really liked this, though I am typically a fan of extreme AU and I have been craving a high-fantasy fix lately, so it definitely had some advantages going in. I especially liked a lot of the more original stuff, monsters like the Reaper and Darkman, the idea of different types of foci and dual-core wands, and the idea of large scale combined arms battles involving brooms and dragons flying around with formations of hapless muggles below.

The writing and grammar really didn't bother me all that much, but that may be because of recent edits (I read all this today), and the weird modern/archaic blend actually fits the setting fairly well, since contrary to all appearances, I assume the time frame is the same as standard HP at the end of the twentieth century.

This obviously is shaping up to be quite an Epic, and I'm eager to see where it goes. 5/5

 

This. Good stuff.

 

Damn. I'd thought he updated when I saw this thread had been bumped.