Er, what the fuck?

What's this, a bazar? He puts forward a 1, you say it's more like a 4, and then you agree on a 2? Oh, and as for the writing, see below.

It seems to me you have not quite understood the concept here. You post a story here you think is a must-have for the Library, basically so uber!kewls it blows your mind (as opposed to, shit. <--- Remember that. It's important). Everyone else reads it then and tells you if they agree or don't. The fact that it is your own work is very much irrelevant.

And since the act of "rating" something in the generally agreed upon definition is the act of expressing your opinion (<--- e.g. This is a piece of crap and I didn't like it), you can be quite certain that a 1/5 means This is a piece of crap and I didn't like it.

Absolutely no need for that "probably" in your sentence.

Which leads us to the story itself. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that this isn't a problem, however just about everything else in that story was.


Personally, I liked you previously posted story much more. As I said, it wasn't that bad. This one is. Really.

The writing is awkward. Example:

Also, it reads choppy in parts, because the text is a succession of cut-off sentences. Not the best example, but I couldn't be arsed to go through it again:

The second thing, right there: You switch tenses around. That is something I really, really can't stand. Whenever I read one, it makes me wince, literally. I'll distract points just for that.

Thirdly, you have in the later chapters an atrocious grip on your commas. Typical example:

I don't remember that from the first story, another reason I like this one less. The same with the next point, you use words wrongly. What, for example, is this supposed to mean? Is there someone/something in his pants we don't know about?

It's one Inferius, "Inferi" is the plural. And, to get back to awkward writing, this one is without comment.

Finally, a couple of more subtle things I noticed.

You have a muddled POV when writing. Example, chapter three starts with Ophelia. You have lines like

this. Immediately afterwards, it switches to Riddle, and the POV is reversed:

See that? First we can't tell what Riddle thinks, then we are with him and make assumptions about Ophelia. There are more, in the first chapter it sometimes bounces back and forth like ball in a pinball machine.

I'd advise you to pick one POV and stick with it; at least for one chapter, at the very least for one scene. Especially here. That really goes with the larger context of what the others already said; in my opinion, having the total overview of everything that’s going on all the time is the natural antithesis to getting really drawn in into the story (what Pers called "emotional investment")

Imagine how great the impact would be, if you were reading the rape just from the victim’s POV -- giving the reader a taste of the fear and uncertainty; all that falls flat because we know what is to come. Of course, it gets much harder to write, because you have to characterise the other person through his actions and words only, but for the reader, it’s much more rewarding.

I love these kind of external character descriptions. You have endless possibilities, small, seemingly unimportant details that in the right context suddenly mean everything -- or not, it’s up to the reader to decide.


Edit:

Example from me, look at this -- it's one of my favourite scenes, from all that I wrote, and it's full of external characterisation. Notice how we never see into her head, which makes it possible for the reader to feel the same frustration Harry feels when she doesn't answer etc., yet we know how she feels -- or at least, we think we do ...

That sort of character developement, in turn, is part of the "show, don’t tell"-thingy -- don’t tell the reader "Riddle was a murdering psychopath". Show them instead and avoid descriptions like that completely, so that the reader will come to that conclusion on his own. Again, it’s much more rewarding.


So to sum it up, "The Coup" was better, and this is quite less awesome than you seem to think. Meh. A 1.5/5, perhaps.