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Oneshot Silence Game by Silens Cursor (NC-17, Harry/Su Li oneshot)

Discussion in 'Restricted Section' started by Silens Cursor, Jul 22, 2009.

  1. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

    Nov 23, 2008
    The other side of reality
    Title: Silence Game
    Author: Silens Cursor
    Rating: NC-17
    Genre: ...probably erotica would be the closest thing here
    DLP Category: Restricted Section
    Pairing: Harry/Su Li
    Published: November 10, 2010
    Words: 6,968

    Status: Complete (oneshot)
    Summary: Su Li plays a dangerous, subtle game of power... but Harry never plays to lose.
    Links: DLP WbA || Fanfiction.net||PatronusCharm

    There's a bit of a story behind this fic: primarily that Vash challenged me to write Harry/Su Li smut, and I decided to give it a shot. Now, as I'm not a smut writer, I know the smut in here isn't great, but it's also not the focus of the fic. In this fic, the sex becomes a power game. Featuring a new take on Su Li (a vastly underused character) and a Harry changing because of the power he took (slightly AU, in that Harry took the Elder Wand after DH).

    Checked Nov. 13, 2012
    Added PatronusCharm link
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2012
  2. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

    Apr 2, 2005
    Ghost Planet
    One of the better stories I've read lately. The power play was done awesome. Some flaws, but one of the most enjoyable stories of late.

    Characters fall into some of the cliches but are unique enough that it doesn't detract from the read.

    Personally, I give it a full 5. 8D
  3. reggin

    reggin Filthy Half-Breed DLP Supporter

    Mar 17, 2008
    Southern California
    This story's Su Li is one of my favorites. She's everything I picture her to be. Silent, meek, obedient.

    I read, I fapped, I :awesome

  4. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

    Nov 2, 2008
    I am getting there
    Well there goes my sperm. Congratulations. 5/5
  5. darklordmike

    darklordmike Headmaster

    Mar 14, 2009
    Howdy Silens.

    I left a quick review at ff.net several weeks ago, but thought I’d leave a more thorough one here, particularly since you gave me a nice, long critique for ‘The Potter Conspiracy.’

    As I said before, I didn’t ‘like’ the story, but that’s no reflection on its quality. A cynical, amoral Harry who plays cruel games with his peers just isn’t to my taste.

    The story does several things really well. The characterization is top notch. It was easy to feel how Harry had become jaded with power, and Su Li is one of the most memorable inventions I’ve encountered in fan fiction. She has only one word in the entire fic, but her small gestures and dark, impenetrable eyes somehow create a lasting and informative portrait of who she is and what she wants, even if it’s a little disturbing. That soft little “more” was powerful.

    The pacing is excellent. Your narration slowly builds suspense, until the reader is anticipating the encounter between Harry and Su Li just as much as he is. It’s exquisite in its slowness, creating an atmosphere of impending doom that’s very hard to pull off. Very impressive on that front.

    On to the criticisms.

    First, it’s unclear how much time has passed between the time of the story and the final battle. Harry’s jaded sophistication would take at least a couple years to acquire, yet several times you suggest that only a few months have passed. If that’s the case, it’s implausible for Harry to have bedded Ginny, Luna, Daphne, Tracy, Susan, and numerous others. Even more so considering that he obliviates all of them after the fact and feels no remorse about it. It would take time for his personality to change so drastically.

    Second, the smut needs a little more clarity. This is not primarily a smut piece, I realize, but it was nevertheless hard to visualize the events. At one point Su takes him in her mouth, and in the next instant they both seem to climax. I’m not suggesting that you include explicit details of the mechanics, but there was not enough build up or description involved.

    The last criticism is more subjective. I feel compelled to dislike Harry. His counterpart in canon, though clueless, is more charming in his naivete. This Harry is not engaging in rape, exactly, but his treatment of the girls—particularly Luna, of all people, an innocent without an agenda—is heartless, cynical, and calculating. I’ve noticed that you make your protagonists unlikeable in nearly all of your fics, and I really do wonder why. I’m not suggesting that it’s a failure in characterization, as it’s obviously done on purpose, but it’s a tactic that will alienate quite a few readers.

    No doubt many readers will appreciate this ‘darker’ characterization of Harry, so feel free to ignore this aspect of my response. Just be aware that many readers will not enjoy it. One of the things that makes reading fan fiction an enjoyable experience (for me, at least) is being able to sympathize with, root for, or at least care about the main characters. It’s very hard to do so here. We get a voyeuristic look at two antisocial people, but it wouldn’t bother me at all if Draco Malfoy were to burst in and kill both of them. I’d probably wish him luck.

    Anyway, that’s my two cents. Take it as feedback from someone who didn’t like the story but could still admire its achievement as a well-told story. You accomplished what you set out to do admirably, and in that respect I’d give it a very strong 4/5.

    Good work.
  6. I loved it, I don't really have any other fics of this pairing to compare it to, but as I think you said this could be the first one. Su Li's character was amazing, I didn't think anyone would be able to do anything with what was suppose to be Cho's prototype.

    If you could write more that would be wonderful, I'd like to see the Master/Slave thing fleshed out more. 4.8/5, this is definitely Library worthy.
  7. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

    Jan 31, 2008
    At your mothers house
    Well written and executed, very few flaws and different enough to keep me entertained. A solid 4.5/5
  8. Inverarity

    Inverarity Groundskeeper

    Mar 5, 2008
    Well, it's not quite PWP, but the smut was kind of rote by-the-numbers stuff, other than the Orgasm Spell, which, sorry, I thought was pretty lame and made me think that Harry is the wizarding world equivalent of Smiling Bob the Enzyte Man.

    Su Li was somewhat intriguing, so I was almost able to overlook her being cast in the generic role of Hot Asian Chick.

    My problem with Dark!Harrys is that I want to see a reason why Harry has become a smug, self-satisfied prick.

    The writing was decent, but overall, I can only rate it as "Okay" -- 3/5.
  9. turtle7

    turtle7 Backtraced

    Apr 18, 2010
    That was pschopathic tendencies right there. Fucking what the fuck, telepathic abilities and mysterious culture clashes... maybe she's silent because she just doesn't know english, but her gestures show her understanding, presumably.

    Interesting fic.
  10. Kerrus

    Kerrus DA Member

    Feb 14, 2008
  11. Ihsomiet

    Ihsomiet Squib

    Jun 20, 2012
    Emond's Field, Andor
    I'd love to read more Harry/sue fics with the same personality and character u gave sue.

    User Banned for this post
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2012
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