Just read your latest update. I'm sorry to say, but my interest is starting to decline. The start was really great.The Potter and Voldemort duel was excellent, despite the fact that Voldemort seemed a bit weaker. Tonks' murder was also excellently done, best part of the story, I think. But then the later chapters, including the duel between Tom-Harry and Dumbledore was not quite that good. Also, after that the story felt a bit bland.

A few points, I particularly noticed.

Tracy and Tracey error. You keep shifting from one to the other.

I sincerely suggest that you change this part to something else. It seems way too similar to Harry Potter and the Hero's Path, especially the last line.

A non-sequitur. It doesn't really follow the conversation.

Also, the amount of cussing in the story. Its feels very odd to see eleven year olds swearing that way. Just because Harry swears doesn't make him mature. And the rest of the kids don't really act like eleven year old's. It feels very odd.

 

Sadly I have to agree with the above post. Rehashing the first school years with a higher intelligence and skill seems like a waste of such a good idea.

The antagonists in this story seem too one-dimensional.
Ron- Slytherins grrrr
Malfoy-Trips over his own ego then, "my father will hear about this."

There is no fun in putting the protagonist in a situatuion where all his enemies are idiots and his allies are geniuses. We've all read stories with scenes raising your heart rate, getting you hooked. That comes from the protagonist being in genuinely dicey situations. Slytherin is conceptually the most interesting house. Filled with children of the powerful and ambitious, there would be more than a little snobbery and ruthlessness. Don't make them all out to be idiots, even if thats what J.K. did.

On a unrelated note I did have a slight idea from reading this fic. What if Voldemort had taken the time to prepare the body he had just taken over with at least one ritual before he decided to face Dumbledore. He decided to go with a ritual he (at 16 or whatever age he was in the diary) created that would increase the flow of magic through his eyes. This would allow for unmatched legilimency ability, possibly some other optic skills. It would be based in a magical creatures blood to flow within his eye ( a little more complex in an actual story). It would be assumed this or some derivative is what he would have used later on to create his characteristic red eye.

Anyway this would leave Harry with a marker of his possession, and some unrefined mental potential. It would screw up his life. I mean rumors from the paper would be that much worse when you bear the same unnatural eyes as the Darkest of Wizards. I would argue not even Hermione and certainly not Ron would approach him.

 

New chapter posted on FF and PC.

Replies:

Dirk Diggory:
Thanks for the kind words. I wouldn't plan on seeing Harry crucio Draco anytime soon, but humiliation in other fashions is certainly going to happen.

Stalin's Pipe Organs:
Your questions will be answered as the story unfolds. However, Harry will change as the story progresses, that's for sure.

Cheddar Trek:
Thanks for the kind words. It seems that most stories as of late that I've been reading have had a manipulative Dumbledore, so I wanted to go another route.

Johnny Farrar:
Thanks for the constructive criticism. People seem to be split on the pace of the story. I envisioned an exciting, brutally violent beginning as a promise of things to come before the story slowed down and went through Harry's first year.

I'd have to go back and read the Hero's Path to see the similarity. If it's too similar, I'll change it.

The point Pansy was trying to make was that she had a symbol which proved she belonged to the wizarding world, where Tracey had nothing. Maybe I could have made the link clearer.

Interesting about the swearing. Talking to another author, she said that the thought of curses never even occurred to her at eleven. When I was at that age, I said 'fuck' every other word. I would even sometimes go to random girls and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Isn't adolescence fun?

I guess my point is, your viewpoint on swearing is colored by your life experience. To me, it doesn't seem strange, or that out of the ordinary. To others, not so much.

Hw597:
Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Ron and Draco are similar to canon here. It's Harry that's matured to the point of easily out-maneuvering them. To compensate, the antagonists are going to be forced to step up their game. Harry's first year will not be a cakewalk, though initially his victories will be very one-sided.

Interesting idea, but I think that Voldemort is fairly powerful already. According to canon, he already is unmatched with regards to Legilemncy.

 

Christmas chapter posted on ff.net. The timing was really, really good. I'd like to say I planned it like this, but it was blind luck. Anyway, enjoy.

 

I just want to pop in here and ask a question/address a concern.

The story so far is looking at 14 chapters, at over 150,000 words. Not that much has really happened. I mean, the start was great, but right now it just seems to be telling a story VERY slowly.

Don't get me wrong, the characters are exquisite, everything is done very well, but having just caught up on the recent chapters, I have to wonder whether it is going anywhere other than a canon rehash. I know you have divergence planned, but how far away is it going to be?

 

First off, thanks for the praises on the story.

I will admit that the story has progressed at a slow rate. That's was one of the reasons I made the beginning of the story frantic, as a promise of things to come.

I certainly hope it doesn't turn into a canon rehash. Early on, as you'll being to see next chapter, the main differences are going to come from events not covered by canon. They don't violate HBP-compliant canon, but...eh, ever wonder why Voldemort spent close to a decade in Eastern Europe after his defeat at Godric's Hollow?

Next chapter, interlude 2, addresses that.

Right now, and as of late, I've been setting up changes that will make the next few years of Hogwarts interesting enough, so that, in my opinion, it has more worth than a simple canon rehash.

I will say major divergences occur later on in the story, that veer sharply away from anything canon did, but not for a while. Sorry.

 

I'm here to defend you VotN!!

Well not really, but I wanna give my take on what Ellisande said.

The pace is a little concerning, because in VotN's profile, I believe it states that Sitra is going to be a full 7 year story. 150 thousand and only roughly through half of year 1 makes everything seem practically glacial in pace. However I think that once first year is gone and done, years two and three at the very least will probably be done in fewer words.

In terms of the canon divergence, there has been a fair bit so far, and I suspect that, along with a bit of confirmation in the post above by VotN, that year 1 will be where a lot more is detailed and set it motion. An example would be the line about (and constant reminders) about Harry being rude to Percy and the grudge and political strife Percy is no doubt going to cause Harry.

I feel like this story is 3/4 of your normal action/adventure sort of story, with a quarter of political elements mixed in. We've already seen a bit of the political stuff going on in the most recent couple of chapters, and been given more insight as well. Thats more canon divergence. I'm guessing that the real important divergences are going to be the difficulties that Harry will face once he gets a bit older; in years 4/5/6 and beyond. Because frankly reading about evil politicos trying to proverbially bitchslap an 11 year old is overdone and practically a caricature. It hasn't felt like a canon rehash at all, and the divergence will only increase, ripples and all that.

 

I honestly wasn't intending to attack, Ceebee, i was merely noting a concern I had, and then receiving assurances to the fact that the fic won't suddenly be abandoned like many others of its ilk.

Right now its going strong down the path, however coupled with what VotN has said, and that I trust DLP authors more than others, I look forward to all the rest.

 

Ceebee:

Ha, thanks, but Ellisande's point were valid. I do have this planned as a seven-year story, and the pace has been slow. I can't really estimate the total length yet, but it will be very long, I can say with utmost certainty. Probably into "Prince of the Dark Kingdom" range, if not longer.

Yeah, politics will play a role, which will increase throughout the story, but as of right now it's not realistic for him to be really active with them.

Ellisande:

Yeah, no intentions of abandoning this. I'm no stranger to spending years on personal projects, and this one I've been working on for less than a year.

Oh yeah, Interludium II posted on FF.net. Follows Voldemort and Quirrell's entwined journey from 1981 to 1991. This is where the story starts to branch out and explore some strange territory, so I'm curious to see people's response to it.

 

I just read this story front to back for the first time, and I can say that I really enjoy it, though it does slow down a bit too much for my tastes at points.

However, there are a couple of things that really bug me here, and they mostly have to do with Dumbledore/Nicolas/Perenelle's reactions to the incident with Quirrell and Burbage. That sort of meeting of the minds should have come to a better conclusion than "Quirrell is a little shady, so let's sit back and watch."

You made a point of having the three of them "come clean" to Harry that Voldemort was probably still alive and intended to possess another person as he did Harry and then use the Philosopher's Stone to change their form into his own. You made a point of mentioning how adept Voldemort was at hiding Dark Magic.

You even had Quirrell tell Harry, who seems to be incredibly perceptive, that he was sorted into Slytherin, and then only a chapter later have Dumbledore explain that Quirrell was in Hufflepuff.

To me this all just reeks of a rather obvious build-up to a Scooby-Doo moment when they put all the pieces together to reveal the bad guy. I feel like you're trying far too hard to draw this out, and if the latest chapter is any indication, it doesn't seem like Quirrell is going to get found out for quite some time, given his plans for Harry.

Also, I almost feel like there is too much stuff going on in the background. Fireborn? Temple of Doom? Evil Doors? And are we ever going to find out who took Harry from Godric's Hollow?

I get that you want to build up some mystery and originality in your story, but it's been 150k words and none of these questions are answered. I feel like half of the time this story is your standard canon-divergence-but-different fic with some fairly standard plot and half the time I have no idea what I'm reading.

Your story is sort of all over the place, and it's a bit distracting for me.

Also, how can Voldemort not know what a rifle is?

 

13th Movement posted on FF.net.

Thanks for the comments, Howdy.

Harry will realize Quirrell slipped up before the end of the year. I am kinda drawing it out though. Dumbledore is putting Quirrell under constant house-elf surveillance, so he's at least taking some precaution.

All of your questions have answers. Some of them within the next five chapters.

Whoops, your right. Voldemort should know what a rifle is. That shall be fixed.

 

Awesome update, Voice.

I'm biased, perhaps, since I'm one of your sounding boards, but I really think you've got a fantastic story going so far. It introduces something new to the HP universe (the well of the worlds and the Sitra Ahra, yet to make an appearance) but it also gives us a fresh look at canon and Slytherin!Harry.

Looks like the readership and reviews are really starting to take off too. Congrats.

/fellating

 

Hi. You made a very good story here that really made me intrigued. Everything I can say has already been mentioned. You've also answered some concerns of mine in a personal reply to my review. But I just have to ask, is this story going to eventually involve a Dark!Harry? Harry's turning into a pretty good chap in this story.

 

New chapter posted on FF.net. The end of year on is approaching.

Darklordmike:

Yeah, the reviews are really starting to take off, which has been most excellent. Thanks for the kind words.

Rook:

You probably should have posted an introduction before posting here, you're probably going to face some backlash.

As for whether this story will include a Light or Dark Harry, well, that's going to be one of the major conflicts as the story develops. Thanks for the kind words.

 

Haha yeah I figured that. I've just created this account even though I've been in this forum for a month now.

But yeah, I meant every word of the praise. Oh well I'll see you on the review then.

 

New chapter, the year one finale, posted on FF.net. All 22,660 words.

Currently unbetaed, but will be updated when my beta gets back to me.

 

Really nice seeing the story taking off again after the furious start.
But the conflict between the students seems a bit too violent and unnecessary, like it is desperately trying to keep up with the rest of the action without looking bland.

Another thing: I just can't like the Flamels, they just seem incredibly selfish and arrogant, nearly evil to me. Is there a good reason that they don't share the Elixir of Life?
Seems to me like a person keeping the cure for cancer locked up in his safe and only using it for himself. Would such a person be regarded in a positive light?
The standard explanation "It's unnatural, people aren't ready for this." doesn't really mesh with me. You could say that about medicine as a whole.

 

Sixteenth Movement posted on FF.net.

Ayreon:
It's a fair criticism, that the violence between the students is a bit over the top, but I sacrificed believability to make it more entertaining.

Canon doesn't really come up with a good reason. The best I could do was that the Stone causes sterility. You're right, the Flamels are slightly arrogant, a consequence of being alive for centuries. I'd think, anyway.

 

Seventeenth Movement posted on FF.net.

Took a little longer than I had hoped, but it's done. Time to go back to Bioshock 2.