You know, the one major complaint I have against most of these stories (in which Harry takes up arms against Voldemort) is why nobody ever pictures him as conflicted, as scared, as indecisive? He's just 16, he's not been trained, and realistically speaking, he should be a hell lot more scared than he is. I'm not saying you should have him cowering, but you nor almost anybody else, ever show him truly, profoundly agitated by his lot in life.

Anyways, somethings I didn't like about it.

1) His own army.
If I had a madman gunning after me, I would not take it upon myself to train a bunch of kids who are, probably, as scared if not more than I can. Not to mention as incompetent, if not more, than I am. Instead, I would align with the biggest bitch on the field (in this case Dumbledore) and hope that when the baddie comes, I can drive him away with Dumbledore's help.

What is the reason for him Training his own army? That eventually, in the far off future, he'd have people loyal to him? Isn't that a bit too long term to be believable.

2)Lack of internal conflict

He is a bit too young, a and bit too over his head to have figured out himself.

3) That Hermione kidnapped scene.

He is an arrogant prick. Voldemort used Sirius as bait too, and hasn't he learned anything from that? Call the bloody Order. Dumbledore is fie minuts away. The fact that he has no way to instantly contact the Order, was stupid in the book, and is stupid here. And one Death Eater?

Meh~

It's written well enough, that's given. But the content lacks. You've tried to be original, that's there. Keyword: tried. There's nothing really new here. The idea is old, and IMO, unless a really good author tries it, the idea is crap. It doesn't make sense in many ways. To reconsile it with logic, the author has to be very inventive. Which, as of yet, you are unable to be.

2/5

 

While your opinion is appreciated, knee jerk reaction to me is that everything should be perfect. Not meant as an insult, by the way. I'll try and get my view across here.

Point 1: Dumbledore has been less than helpful in his lifetime, and especially coming from the revelation of the prophecy and a year of being ignored, Harry wouldn't try and rely completely on him. Who knows when he might chose to ignore him or withhold information for his own good? He's still on the same side and Dumbledore would obviously try to keep Harry alive if in his power, however that doesn't mean Harry would sit idly by and let Dumbledore take care of a mess Harry knows he has to finish himself.

Why train an army? He knows he has to defeat Voldemort and he has no misconceptions on how powerful he is in comparison. So, instead of hoping Dumbledore does all the work so Harry can only do the finishing blow, he's going to get some people he can trust to help fight with him. He needs to train, and helping others along the way helps him in the end.

Part of the point of this story is for Harry to defeat Voldemort under his own power and not rely on Dumbledore to solve all his problems. Hence the growing rift between the two, only helped by their rocky relationship the last year. Hence the training of some people he hopes he can count on to fight by his side, for he isn't a super!Harry who can defeat several dozen DEs with minor injuries. He's going to be outnumbered and therefore needs some people who can fight with him. Hence their inclusion and not a Dumbledore and Harry centric story.

2. He came to terms with his future over the break, something which I did not include because it has been done a million times and can be shown through his actions. But who says he's figured out himself? He planned to bring together a group over the break and he's training them and dealing with the problems associated with his new allies because he either anticipated some of it or can wing it. Knowing the prophecy, he is also trying to think ahead. He's not happy with some of the acts he'll have to do, but that does not mean he can't falter. One can only foresee so much, yes, but at least I believe that if I got a group of people together there would be a number of problems that I could foresee from the start.

This next part isn't an insult, just an observation about the HP fanfiction world.

I can't see how to please some people with this. A lot don't want him to mess up and rely on his friends because he's a pussy or too weak or some crap, and when he doesn't mess up, he's too perfect. You, FineBalance, are probably the first I've had review to say he's too perfect. Others have criticized him not being capable enough.

I've written him the way he is and I can only ask that people accept it or don't read. I do want to please readers, but catering to those who want a capable and a scared, indecisive Harry is nigh impossible for a new writer, if possible at all.

3. Yaxley = Arrogant, newish recruit who has not experienced any interaction with Harry before. Sure, it is a bit of a stretch for him to be the sole major DE there, but given that there are attacks going on all around the country, I can't see Voldemort allocating many forces to trying something that would most likely fail when it quite likely that Yaxley was sent to check up on Malfoy's progress and found himself with an opportunity to capture Harry. Two DE recruits and the possibility of Malfoy, as well as an Imperiused helper, was all the help he expected to need.

You have to remember that while we know that Harry has ten others helping him, they didn't. The news of the fall out with Ron and Ginny would be spread by the Slytherins and Hermione was the other constant, hence why she was targetted. Believing the worst, they would have expected Luna and Neville to join him.

Harry, on the other hand, knows he's got ten (nine minus Hermione) people to help him out. So, instead of calling the Order that has been less than helpful in his life, would shut him out and possibly get Hermione killed for either taking too long, losing element of surprise that an Order member would immediately give away or focusing too much on not rescuing Hermione, as was the aim, he chose to go with his new allies who he believes he can trust.


Well, I suppose that was a waste of time to write given your opinion, but I do feel the need to justify my reasonings.

Still, thanks for the praise where it was and the criticism vice versa.

Perhaps if HP fanfiction is still around when I eventually finish this, I'll endeavour to write a more ... ahem ... original (though that concept is laughable) Harry, and a respective tale.

 

Thing is, capability grows. A person whose never really aided by logic his whole life, will not suddenly become very reasonable creature, no matter how large the epiphany. Those who are clamoring for him to become a five star general are not being realistic. While you are, IMO, not following the path I would really love to see in this kind of fanfic, it is still far better than most. So I do hope that resolution of a non-Super!Harry sustains.

Perhaps, but fear and conflict, especially in such a situation with this age group, should be constant compainions. Thing about conflict is, it's a very hard balance to archive. Too much weight on one side, it becomes disgustingly emo. Too much on the other, and we have this, in which it barely seems as if the characters are frightened.

Point 1: Well, as I said before, I think he would be placing more consideration with the Order but it's your story, and it's really a very small point.

Is it such a strech that some of the teachers can get involved too?

How about Harry stirring up the people of Hogsmade to fight for him? That would have been cool.

The only real Voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new lands, but seeing with new EYES.

Ps. Read the story in my sig. I assure you, it's original.

 

I clicked on the link and I can assure you my eyebrows rose as I saw the pairing. I'll let you know what I think after I've read it.

With the same assurance, I can honestly say that Harry will at no time become super!Harry. He's going to struggle in most fights, just like any other wizard/witch would, except a little less, as he is supposedly to have a little more talent than the rest of his peers, especially after being taught by McGonagall and Flitwick throughout the year.

I concede your point. The group isn't as afraid as they should be. Then again, only Harry, Hermione, Neville and Luna have experienced a real fight. Luna would probably never show her fear, the loveable nut she is. Neville's gotten more confident in himself after his actions at DoM and Harry and Hermione already know what it is like. Not to say that's any excuse not to be afraid, but less afraid than others would be. The rest, well, as said, they haven't experienced a battle before the one I wrote, and after the sucess there, they'd be more confident in themselves. I'll certainly put the effort in to show more fear and apprehension in the future.

This is a major part of why I'm going into detail with the Pensieve memories because they do not understand what it is like out there, and this to help them make a more informed decision. Some are going to learn to accept it, others aren't. Not saying who, but I will say that the twelve that are there right now is going to dwindle.

Rallying Hogsmede folks to fight... yes, that would be quite interesting to read. I wrote it the way I did and have the aftermath and all already done, so I can only try to improve on future events. As with the Professors, no, probably not. Again, I can only attempt to improve on future events.

phew - and here I thought I was in for an argumentive debate, as they are quite popular here.

 

Meh, I've got no complaints. You already know my opinion. Update moar please.

 

How's the new update coming along Darren? When can we expect to see it up? In case you need a beta/idea-bouncer, my inbox is always open.

 

I'm hoping for some time mid-month, with the next two, if not three, chapters. I've got fifteen ready, I just need to fix a few things in sixteen before I send it off to my beta. Right now, though, I've got a 2000 word report to finish by Thursday afternoon, so that is a low priority till Thursday night.

Thanks for the offer ArseNick.

 

Last chapter I read of this story was chapter 8 when it was updated and now just finished reading 14.

While I respect the obvious amount of effort and time you are putting into the story, I have to say I find it boring and skimmed over a lot of it.

I will comment about the romance after I see how the next meeting with Fleur goes. Will there be talk about how her current relationship with Bill is? Is she intimate with him even after making out with Harry?

 

Fair enough. Honestly, I'm surprised that as many like this as there are, so I'm not offended or anything.

If you were hoping for positive H/F meeting soon... sorry. Fleur still loves Bill, so she isn't going to drop everything so easily for Harry. We will find out how her relationship is with Bill and if she is still intimate with him or not. The romance between those two only returns near to the state it was in France around Easter (chapter 26, estimation). I'm 3/4 of the way through 23 at present. Stuck writing this one scene.

 

No, I was not expecting any positive H/F, according to the pace you are setting that would be a surprise.

I LOL’ed in chapter 14, when Harry was worried that Bill would flip if he finds out, that was fucking absurd.

What I want to see if they will have another groping session again and later just walk away confused as if it’s the most normal occurrence especially when one of them is engaged to another person.
If you don’t want to insult the intelligence of Harry and Fleur, this is not the way.

Make them confront it.

 

Speaking from experience (on a milder level), its not easy to outright confront something like that, especially if you don't really want to stop it.
If they're confused after doing it, its obviously not a normal occurrence.
They're both intelligent, but at the risk of sounding like a romantic lunatic, emotions don't often go hand in hand with logic.

 

I think them not really talking about it makes sense. They obviously like each other, and enjoy their little make out sessions, but they both know that Fleur is engaged. So they know in the back of their minds that if they were to talk to each other about it, they would no doubt talk themselves into discontinuing their intimacy...which neither of them wants, since they enjoy it. Thus, they avoid confronting the issue.

 

Just read it and I have a question, why didn't Harry demand Mundungus return everything he's stolen? It's rather obvious that this wasn't his first time. Even if Mundungus isn't capable of returning anything a mention of those would have to be expected atleast.

 

Why would he bother to demand something to be returned when he probably knows that Dung already sold it? Besides, it's a Hogsmead weekend, so how is Harry gonna get anything back? And how is he gonna trust Dung to do any thing he says?

 

He really did have more pressing matters on hand.

 

Shame that there's a recreation of the DA in this story, otherwise I definitely think it would be fairly awesome. I just can't read stories where Harry decides to become a military general at sixteen and train a bunch of school kids to fight Death Eaters and Voldemort . . .

I hate it even more when the school kids absolutely school the Death Eaters, though, admittedly, the only real Death Eater fight I've read up to is the one with Harry and Fleur against the Black sisters, I just lost interest after that.

As hot as Fleur is, there's something about infidelity that turns me off a woman. Wait, I know what it is . . . unless they're in an abusive, or loveless relationship, there's no reason to think of them as anything less than a slag . . .

Also not a fan of the whole Veela, mating, aura thing, but meh.

Story would be fairly awesome were it not for those things, I think.
​

 

Oi! You shut up and go back to Microsoft word!

He didn't mean it Darren....Next chapter soon?

 

I've read a number of DA 'recreation' fics before, and they were pretty poor. Harry = army general and yadda yadda. I'm trying notto do that.

What I had envisioned was Harry teaching the others what we knew in both magic and battle sense terms. From there, they would learn magic together. Harry would still be the ringleader per se, but that is to be expected. While it would be more original to have someone else in charge, it is unrealistic in HP for someone besides Harry to lead when it is his adventure. Hence, Harry in charge, others around him learning with him and not solely from him.

Now, because Harry chose to have more aid than Ron and Hermione could offer, given the results of DoM, the best way was to project it as the DA from the previous year, but more exclusive.

Yeah, that H/F fight with the Black sisters was pretty poor. I think I did considerably better in the next one, and the one I recently wrote. I don't plan for duels to be easy for Harry - except for a few ones I won't mention any details on - for the entire fic. Otherwise, it is Super!Harry, which has gotten quite old.

Fleur isn't clear cut cheating. If you read the scenes, you'd know that. I put great emphasis on that fact, at least I thought. I've had a number of reviewers explain their thoughts on Fleur's character, and very, very few have miscontrued Fleur's attitude to being a, as you put it, 'slag'. I've read your opinions on females in your fic's topic and while I respect your opinion, labeling females as either faithful or a 'slag' is inaccurate and insulting. Such situations are rarely black and white. Bad experiences aside, it is unfair to make generalizations on a particularly large number, or in this case, an entire gender.


@ Sera - Considering some of the responses some people get here, that was a very tame negative review. I'm still writing, but Uni exams are coming up mid-next month, and I've still two assessments to complete.

Update got delayed 'cause of something my beta pointed out that was a pretty big error, that I missed in my haste to get it out. I've got to rewrite part of the chapter, which I'll get onto tomorrow night if I'm awake enough. Then I'll try and get two more out before the end of the first week of June if I can, otherwise I'll only be available on and off until the 23rd of June.


@ Kradelik - LuxDragon and Sera pretty much covered my reasoning - more so Sera than Lux, but he does bring up good points.

 

The first thing she should have done when feeling those strange 'urges' towards Harry is go straight to Bill and explain the situation. If it truly was just the Veela in her acting up, what has she got to hide? If he's an ass about that, he's obviously a Douchebag and Fleur could act accordingly, knowing that she, at least, told the man she was ENGAGED to that there was a problem.

O M G, the old slag debate, I'm such a 'missionary', I really should recall my statement after watching an engaged woman sleep in the same bed as another man, one that she's not engaged to, and lead on to a sexual encounter. I must be such a prude, such things are obviously common and generally accepted amongst engaged couples, right.

And since when do I call every woman a slag? I made Harry overly cynical for a reason in my story, they're not my views. I simply call it as I see it. Fleur says she loves Bill, and she also loves Harry. They both get to her house and end up sleeping in the same bed, while Fleur is feeling this 'pull' towards Harry. Instead of contacting her fiance, she continued to do so despite knowing how conflicted she is, and thus, end up cheating, and continued lying to him.

Though, I suppose you'll counter this later on in some way by having Bill be a bastard or something, thus, somehow justifying Fleur's actions after the fact, and even if you don't, she was still unfaithful!

Sure, it was probably only with Harry that it could happen with, (considering the way you described it, her Veela genes are to blame! not her! let us conveniently forget how Harry can throw off an imperius in the HP universe though . . .) but that doesn't mean she wasn't being unfaithful.

As I said, I could sympathize with Fleur if she was in a loveless relationship, or if Bill was abusive towards her, but none of that is the case here. She says she loves him, yet she doesn't act like it.

Perhaps it's just people these days throwing around the word 'love' like its just another word, and I'm just misinterpreting it as for the thing it's supposed to actually mean . . .

I must be acting unfair thinking of things in such a manner.

Fine, you don't like it how I use the word 'slag' to describe her, fine.

Fleur's unfaithful with a weak character - I find it hard to sympathize with her in her plight dear Author.

Is that more politically correct?