A cups.

 

Loves a nice big sausage with his pickled cabbage.

 

You're 27, morbidly obese, wear the same pair of athletic socks for several consecutive days, and throw your pillow at your door extra hard when your step mother overcooks your Hungry Man. You also cried when Chris Benoit died, partake in several fantasy sports teams, own a weed pipe with a dragon/magician on it and have Korn posters on your wall.

On an average day you wake up to an entire bowl of cheese and clean your earwax with your finger while watching Top Gun on UMD. You'll typically spend 30 to 45 minutes googling 1950's pin-up girls, watching Creed videos on youtube, and reading up on lucha libre rumor boards. You have a questionable dog who smells atrocious and he sleeps on your racecar bed, waking up occasionally when you yell Steve Austin quotes too loudly. You rant to your artsy cousin (she paints cats) about how much you absolutely love and support every aspect of the war on terror despite having done absolutely no research on it, nor having any intention to actually enlist and ship out, The debate ends with more door slamming and finally you retreat to Dark Lord Potter where your password is the name of some woman who would never give you the time of day.

Things start off going pretty well. You learn how to unlock the Burger King in Madden '07, troll the Wii for not getting a port of some forgettable and generic FPS game, and make a topic about how Miyamoto sucks. Then terror strikes: Viewtiful Darkness, fresh from a 16 hour NeoGaf f5 binge, posts up this month's NPD numbers. The horror! Wii is outselling 360, PS3 has no games anyone cares about and that dual screened gimmick you deemed the next Virtual Boy a few years back is completely mopping the floor. Your world goes numb. You clench your fists and your belt feels tighter. You breathe heavily, shaking, as your mother's nagging from upstairs echoes and dips into a pulsing roar, fueling your fury. Panic begins to engulf you. Time flows in reverse. This can't be possible, can it? You are desperate. you read the numbers over and over and over, whimpering in disbelief. Hopeless, beaten, exhausted...you collapse to your carpet, letting its seedy nest of dandruff and Frito crumbs cushion your fall.

But then, you rise. Because there is hope. There is a future, there is a dream, there is a patriotism to Sony that shows no bounds. And there is the Game Critics Awards. And, despite their world dominance, Nintendo, great purveyor of evil and criminality, has only won one this year.

 

writes too much.

 

Read about a line of what Insane Juggler wrote, aka smart.

 

Wears high heels in private, and fantasizes about the good old days in the boy's locker room at High School.

 

Flatters me on my business sense - and grasp of surveillence devices.

 

Desperately wants to have a gay friend.

 

Gay and friendless

 

Furiously masturbates to video of Guo Xingxing.

Edit:A bit too late.

Furiously masturbates to video of Michael Phelp's mom.

 

Furiously masturbates to video of Michael Phelps.

And who/what the fuck is Guo Xingxing?

 

A really famous Chinese diver.

 

Stereotype: Stood front-row center at the recently-knighted penguin's knighting ceremony.
Not stereotype: Cannot tell the difference between penguins and owls.

 

I wish I owned a penguin.

 

Geeky anime obsessed gamer who enjoys roleplaying in order to get himself off.