Title: Freedom
Author: Cu_Cullen9
Rating: M
Genre: action eventually/adventure/romance
Pairing: harry/tonks/tba
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: After the events in the DoM, Harry get fed up and decieds to do something to train and plots his revenge. How does Sirius plan for the summer help even though he's dead.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2659587/1/


Recently added chapter 6. Hoping for constructive criticisim.

 

I have read this yet so I'll reserve judgement on it for now.

try not to double post like that again, I'm only letting you know that way you don't bring down the wrath of the mods and admins, withwise refferred to as the people who think they run this place :lol:


Edit: Ok after reading this story, there were a few cliche's that could use some work, the main one being the time distortion ward or spell on the island for the most part that i saw. A few other minor things as well but ovell all not bad but still not the greatest out there. I do have to disaggree the post below mine though I don't feel as if this story is TOO cliched for that topic but to each his own I guess.

 

I feel that I should direct you here:
http://forums.darklordpotter.net/viewtopic.php?t=2368

 

I'd twiddle the summary. The whole post-OotP-training-session thing is a little over used in this section. That's all Harry wants to do? Just train?? Bah.

 

having read the first chapter, I will say this, it seems to jump from non-cliche independant Harry, possible darkHarry, to very cliche independant Harry, and back and forth. It also includes a bit where he is a canon wimp, breaking down in hermiones arms in the hospital wing. The it goes to a sightly less canon Harry.

I have to ask though, why did you include Griphook, even in sucha minor role? What was the point?It just makes folk think it is yet another independant harry fic that doesn't stray from the herd

 

From experience when I got to a bank I like to deal with someone I've meet and delt with before rather then someone new. That way I know if the person is a moron or not rather then just thinking they are straight off.

plus i think of griphook as the lowest goblin at the bank basically the FNG. so he's gets all the pointless goffer crap.

 

Harry didn't knw Griphook, he was taken down to the vault by him, but nothing more.

Anyway, I jsut can't get into chapter 2, it reads like any independant Harry fic, it also reads like its going to become a harem Harry with Tonks, Weaslet and Hermione.

 

Nope not gonna happen. Hermoines to stick in the mudish and Ginnys too fan girl.

 

Ok, I tried reading this, but it feels just like another independent Harry story, with standard >friends 4ever!< tripe and H/Hr romance. Even if that wasn't the case, the story is riddled with simply too many plot-holes and clichés to be deemed good.

Now, that it wouldn’t seem like I’m complaining for no reason at all, here is what I’ve found lacking only in chapter 1:

- Harry leaving the school, going to Gringotts and learning of Dumbledore's carefully hidden manipulations... all in 10 minutes. Seems too easy - you'd expect that Dumbledore would have thought of that.

- Ragnok and Harry acting like old palls after knowing each other total of 5 minutes. Ragnok being impressed by Harry's kindhearted conduct towards Goblins, even though he simply did his business with few thank you's (makes you wonder if Lucius whips them or something).

- Sirius' letter to Harry in case of his death. You’d expect some uplifting parting words or wise life-altering advise for his godson... NOT a manual for using several magical items and traveling salesmen-like description of their functions. Is that what you’d like to hear from your grandpa on his deathbed? “Johnny... kah... this watch has time-stopper function and... kah... this button is pulse-meter... kah... this button sets the time and... kah... this sets the date... kah... oh, and be good, love you... ahhhh....”

- Ravenclaw ring that enchants the learning speed and intelligence is THE ultimate plot-hole device, It’s like when Harry wakes up all wise and powerful, only worse. Makes you wonder why Ravenclaw didn’t make more of these rings and had them used in her school, to increase the speed of learning of all her students.

- Giving the Weasleys money... Harry already knew he was rich. Why he hadn’t done it before? Well, there is a good reason. It’s pathetic. It’s like he’s trying to buy their love and acceptance. Besides, if Sirius wanted his money to go to that fat cow that was always working against him in the Order, he’d done it himself in his will. Like this, it’s like Harry’s pissing all over his godfather’s last wishes.

- Harry trusting Ron, Hermione, Ginny and the Twins so easily, after discovering that the Headmaster had betrayed him. I’m not saying that they should turn evil, only that Harry would be extra careful after discovering his idol working against him - he would definitely NOT place so much trust in several Goblins he hardly even knows, or the Twins that are more acquaintances than friends, or Ginny, who is still little more than a star-struck fan-girl (he spoke like, total of 5 times with her).

- Harry breaking down in Hermione's arms. Seems too soon for a reclusive sort like Harry.

- Ron turning into a bastard and calling Hermione mudblood whore. You’re turning him against Harry too quickly. He should have fumed for few more weeks or months before exploding. And I don’t think he would ever turn against Hermione or insult her.

- Harry talking about him breaking down and crying in front of several girls AND McGonagall. Even if he DID broke down, no guy would openly discuss that in such company... only some pussy fishing for pity and potential mercy-fuck.

- Harry admitting everything to McGonagall (one of Dumbledore's flunkies) and using words like "shag" in front of the strict teacher. And then McGonagall being all supportive and understanding that all of Gryffindor had turned against Ron and are planning to lynch him when he shows up.

Mind you, I haven't even mentioned some ultra-clishes you've used, like goblins supporting Harry too much or super trunk or vaults filled with bunch of useful things instead of money, or time-dilatation island, but that's becouse there's not much wrong with these, other than being painfully overused.

 

Thanks, gives me things to think about. and i agree i do need to rewrite the first chapter to make it work better. as for ron turning on hermoine and harry well, there was a problem with ron as he was still under effects of the brains attack.

as for the rest i could see how the rest could come off as being a copy of other fan fics.

i just hope as i rewrite and continue with the story people see that it isnt your typical indipendent harry fic.

 

i agee with IP, harry is independant and strong before he starts to get all angsty, then ron is good, ron is bad, i could be wrong but it seems like you forgot what you wrote and just switched back and forth between a angsty trusting harry and a darker harry..

 

Try re-writing this fic and NOT use any cliches. Be creative. I am sure you can think of something along the same lines as independant Harry. Just remove the cliches, add some original stuff and viola! a good read.
Checklist:

No slash -- check
Decent novel length -- getting there
Interesting ideas -- a bit weak there due to the cliches
Original and exciting plot -- Again the cliches ruin it for me

Seriously though, fan fics these days look so alike its annoying as hell. The good fics are the ones that have few cliches and are original. Just try again?

 

After looking at everything I agree that it seems very cliche. I am planning to rewrite it. I do have plans for the rest of the story that weren't cliche but they came after the traing was started. Luckily for me I've found a beta, so having a second view of things should help.

 

Nope I didnt forget what I wrote, Rons anger at Hermoine and Harry is mostly a result of the brains or so his freinds hope, but as of right now they can't trust him. As for Harry being angry and angsty I think it is highly probable that he can be both after all he is a teenager and hermones suck.

 

okay I read this over had have several reasons as to why things happend. Maybe in my story I didn't express them well enought so I replied to those. Others I agree with after rereading my story after listening to your advice.

- Ragnok and Harry acting like old palls after knowing each other total of 5 minutes. Ragnok being impressed by Harry's kindhearted conduct towards Goblins, even though he simply did his business with few thank you's (makes you wonder if Lucius whips them or something).

I don't know if you've ever been talked down to or treated bad because of where you come from. I spent some time in korea in the army and had to pull gaurd duty at the gate during protests for us being there. After being spat at and shouted at, I can understand how if your looked down upon and segrated by a whole culture when one of them treats you like a human being you want that to continue.




- Harry trusting Ron, Hermione, Ginny and the Twins so easily, after discovering that the Headmaster had betrayed him. I’m not saying that they should turn evil, only that Harry would be extra careful after discovering his idol working against him - he would definitely NOT place so much trust in several Goblins he hardly even knows, or the Twins that are more acquaintances than friends, or Ginny, who is still little more than a star-struck fan-girl (he spoke like, total of 5 times with her).

As for the trust issue I look at the stuff harry and his freinds being through as combat. And after the dom fight I see harry trusting them a lot more. I've been in fire fights durning my time in iraq and you tend to trust those that fight with you even if youve only known them a short time. just because one person betrays your trust doesnt mean everyone will. and harry does go throughseveral ways to insure the trust he wants to have in people he will bring to the island.

as for the goblins, there is no level of trust between them really. its mostly being polite to each other and bussiness transactions. the only trust harry shows in the goblins is that they will keep his transactions secret.

- Ron turning into a bastard and calling Hermione mudblood whore. You’re turning him against Harry too quickly. He should have fumed for few more weeks or months before exploding. And I don’t think he would ever turn against Hermione or insult her.

This gets explained later on in the story. but basically its determined that he has some kind of reaction to the brains, amplifing any of his normal emotions.

 

Could someone please edit in a working link?
The story can be found here:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3140681/1/

--bornagainpenguin

 

you working for the library, Or do you just enjoy the necro side of posting in oldies?

 

Following the newly updated link, the story has just a prologue and a first chapter.

From second one, Harry is already thinking that perhaps Dumbledore is trying to get him killed off.

A/N in the middle of the chapter? No.

OSHI-! Dumbledore is stealing from Harry!


Followed by the Black and Potter wills being read. For some reason, the Tonks are in this list after Sirius, go figure.

OSHI-! The studious bookworm is the last magical descendant of Ravenclaw despite being a muggleborn!

Harry now owns the daily prophet AND Teen witch weekly!

I mean what's next? A painting for the two so Harry can talk to them?

Hermione can't have kids and Ron's a git! How original!

And THAT folks is just the Prologue.

Next chapter:

Tonks is going to help Harry and makes a vow like it's nothing. For all she knew, he could of been another Voldemort in the making. Way to go Tonks. :awesome

That's right! They played together as kids, what's next? Every guy mistreated her in school?

So Harry and Tonks leave the Dursleys and we get Dumbledore's POV for a few. Harry and Tonks are going to...New York! If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere!

How big is this glass?

Great, Flamel is the heir of Gryffindor and is going to help power play against Dumbledore with Harry. Oh, and Harry casually mentions he's the heir of Slytherin.

This story should of been renamed Harry Potter and the Magical list of Cliches. This story gets a 1/5 and should be thrown out of the Library.

 

With all the other reviews posted about this chiche-'tardism of this fic, I'd just be waisting time if I added another length bit to it. It sucks. 1/5