The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0

Flamata · Jul 15, 2006

OMG they actually skipped number 4. How sad is that?

1.GAIN INDEPENDENCE

2.LEARN LIGHT ARTS

3.GET NEW CLOTHES

5.GET A GIRL FRIENd & get laid
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It actually makes me wonder if it isn't some kind of parody, it's so bad.

The Dark Monarch · Jul 15, 2006

LOL This only reinforces my previous post.

madeyemoody · Jul 22, 2006

The nastiest shit ever

OMG This is the most disgusting story I've seen in weeks

heres what I read

Private Lessons by Walter O'Dim reviews
In Harry’s sixth year Dumbledore decides to take a greater hand in his education – and we aren’t talking Horcruxes or any of that crap. Find out what those private lessons were really about…
Complete - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2264 - Reviews: 18 - Updated: 12-23-05 - Published: 12-23-05

It seems innocent enough right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Dammit WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

PEDOPHILE DUMBLES

Harry had been looking forward to his first lesson with Dumbledore ever since he received the note telling him the date and time of their meeting. Finally, at eight’o’clock on Saturday he presented himself outside Dumbledore’s office and knocked.
"Come in," said Dumbledore’s voice.
"Good evening, sir," said Harry, walking into the headmaster's office. Dumbledore was standing at the window looking out at the grounds. He smiled broadly at the sight of Harry.
“Ah, Harry!” he said. “Come in, come in, my dear boy. Have a seat.”
And he pointed, not to a chair, but to a cozy sofa that was clearly a recent addition and looked rather out of place in the office.
“I thought it would better suit our…purposes,” said Dumbledore with a chuckle, seeing Harry’s quizzical expression. “You’ll see why soon enough, I think...Now, then,” he went on when Harry was seated, “what would you like to drink, Harry?”
“Drink, sir?” Harry said incredulously. “But – I thought we were going to – er -”
“Yes?” prompted Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
“Well, I dunno - practice some spells or something like that,” mumbled Harry.
“The kind of magic we are going to practice tonight doesn’t require spells or incantations, Harry,” said Dumbledore. “Not on your part, at least. And a drink will not interfere with it at all, I assure you – far from it. So, what would you like?”
“Well, um – how about that oak-matured mead?” said Harry.
“Oh, come on, Harry,” said Dumbledore with a laugh, “That mead is for small children. You’re almost a man now – surely you’d like to try something stronger?”
“Er -”
“I suggest you try this,” said Dumbledore, taking a bottle out of a cabinet. “Chateau Charnel, made in 1875 – an excellent year. Here…” he poured two glasses of wine and went to sit with Harry on the sofa, handing him his glass and throwing an arm around his shoulders.
“Cheers,” said the Headmaster. They touched glasses and drank.
All of Harry’s uneasiness and confusion seemed to vanish in an instant. A wonderful lightness filled his body, and he felt cheerful for no particualr reason.
“Say, this stuff is really good, sir!” he said.
“It is, isn’t it?” said Dumbledore with a wink. “That’s why I keep it for special occasions…like tonight.”
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What do you think that power might be?” asked Dumbledore, peering at Harry over the rim of his glass.
“Well,” Harry said slowly, “I suppose it is…love, sir.”
“You are almost right, Harry,” giggled Dumbledore, squeezing Harry’s arm. “Almost, but not quite. Being able to love is an essential prerequisite, yes, but it’s not love as such that will destroy Lord Voldemort.”
“Then what will, sir?”
“Ooooh, Harry,” said Dumbledore, setting aside his glass and putting his hand on Harry’s knee. “You have a gift so rare that Parseltongue is quite common compared to it. I’ve never dreamed I’d actually meet such a person. My boy,” Dumbledore’s voice dropped to a whisper, “you have the power of…the Mojo.”
“The Mojo?” Harry repeated blankly as the portraits gasped.
“You really ought to read more, my dear boy,” chuckled Dumbledore, stroking Harry’s shoulder with his thumb. “The Mojo is another name for sexual energy.”
“Sexual energy? But – doesn’t everyone have -”
“Oh, no, not everyone, and nowhere near as much as you do. You see, sexual energy can be used to reinforce magic; however, most people have too little of it to produce a more or less significant effect, even if they are working in a group. But you are different; within your body resides a dormant power that, if used properly, could destroy half the world, or bring the dead back to life.”
“How do you know?” asked Harry, his eyes gleaming with excitement.
“Sex magic is my speciality, Harry,” chuckled Dumbledore. “It is what Voldemort refers to as ‘my kind of magic’. By his scorn he is trying to conceal the fact that he is simply incapable of performing it; he is impotent, you see. Anyway, I have known for some years now that you posess this kind of power. And now the time has come for your initiation.”
Harry’s face was now frantic with anticipation.
“Initiation, sir?”
“Oh, yes…a sort of ritual to wake that power inside you. It will take a lot of training to master it, of course, but -”
“What exactly does the ritual include?” interrupted Harry.
“Guess,” said Dumbledore with a grin.
Harry’s jaw dropped. “You mean -”
“Exactly, my boy!” cried Dumbledore, slapping Harry’s thigh. “Glad you’re cottoning on so quickly.”
“But, but,” spluttered Harry, “aren’t we going to need a…a girl?”
“Oh, no,” said Dumbledore. “Not tonight. You see – nobody knows exactly why, but the ritual of initiation revolves around a sexual act between two men.”
“You mean I’m going to have sex with…you?” said Harry, aghast.
“That’s EXACTLY what I mean, sweetheart,” cried Dumbledore, giving Harry a hug. “What’s the matter?” he asked, seeing the look of horror in Harry’s eyes. “Don’t tell me you are against gay sex, because I know you’re not; I can read minds, you know.”
“Well – it’s not that – it’s just that I -”
Dumbledore roared with laughter at the sight of Harry’s shock and confusion.
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Dumbledore waved his wand, and Harry’s clothes vanished, too, his wand dropping to the floor with a clatter; at the same time, pleasant music began to play. Dumbledore flopped back onto the sofa and spread his arms.
“Well, are you going to just stand there, or would you rather come here and fuck like crazy?” he inquired.
Harry seemed uncomfortable.
“But si- I mean, Albus – the portraits!”
“Oh, those portraits have seen so much that nothing will surprise them anymore,” said Dumbledore with a laugh. “Come on, Harry, let’s have some fun.”

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and it gets very graphic but I won't post it.....ever

“Wait…what shall I tell Ron and Hermione?”
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.
“Surely an intelligent person such as yourself can think of something? All right, all right,” he laughed, seeing the look of indignation on Harry’s face, “I’ll save you the trouble. Here…” he twirled his wand, snatched a piece of parchment out of thin air and gave it to Harry. “I’ve sketched a cover-up story. Some of it’s based on facts, but most of it I had to make up. I never knew writing was such hard work.”
Harry was met in the common room by Ron and Hermione who had stayed up to hear everything about his first lesson.
“Well?” they demanded eagerly.
“It was fascinating,” said Harry. “Dumbledore took me into the Pensieve…”
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That's probably what really happened

Fuegodefuerza · Jul 22, 2006

WHAT THE FUCK? MADEYE, YOU SICK CUNT!

How the fuck did you find that? Oh my fucking God. That was just...just...

Holy shit! That was, unspeakable. The-story-that-shall-not-be-named. What the hell? uke:

Lady Almaren · Jul 22, 2006

madeye! WTF Dude! Ewww I just got finished eating pizza when I saw that. What the hell is wrong with these people? Oh man...I have just lost more respect for the human race.

Here's a lovely CSI/HP Crossover enjoy!!

http://www.fictionalley.org/authors/uninvitedcat/AACIL01a.html

Fuegodefuerza · Jul 22, 2006

Written by the same guy who wrote the fic madeye just posted:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2762746/1/

^An upsurge of solar activity leads to most unexpected consequences...HagridSnapeHarry alternative OotP.

madeyemoody · Jul 22, 2006

Fuegodefuerza said:

WHAT THE FUCK? MADEYE, YOU SICK CUNT!

How the fuck did you find that? Oh my fucking God. That was just...just...

Holy shit! That was, unspeakable. The-story-that-shall-not-be-named. What the hell? uke:
Click to expand...

http://www.fanfiction.net/l/224/14/0/1/1/0/1/351/0/0/1/ scanning the page saw it it looks like a decent summary, I clicked and cried

Fuegodefuerza · Jul 22, 2006

Wow. That guy is a deceptive little cocksucker. That seems like a really good summary, but then uke:

My apologies, madeyemoody.

Nenagh24 · Jul 23, 2006

::Twitch:: I wasn't really paying attention when I clicked on this one... It's just weird. I'm not sure if the author was serious or just being stupid. I like to think they were trying to be funny and laugh it off...

Short, Insane, and Harry/Dudley. ::Twitch:: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2695390/1/

Side note to madeye: I'm going to be scarred for life and I didn't even read the story! It's also going to take ages for this twiching to stop, not that the above (hopefully) humor fic helped any!

Dark Lord Rostam · Jul 23, 2006

For Luck

This guy is a sick fuck. Written by the person who wrote madeye's and Fue's story.

madeyemoody · Jul 23, 2006

Same author as above
He is a sick sick bastard

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2834518/1/ draco/hagrid bdsm

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2904686/1/ tom riddle /slughorn Graphic
highlight below if you are strong

“SEVEN!” exclaimed Slughorn as he came all over Voldemort’s face. “Ohh, Tom, isn’t one murder bad enough?”
“But then it can be done?” Voldemort asked urgently, blinking sperm out of his eyes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2494918/1/ Ron/snape very graphic

Snape’s pants fell down. His package looked just as bad as Ron had expected: extremely hairy and foul-smelling.
“Couldn’t you…couldn’t you at least take a shower?” asked Ron, feeling more than a little nauseous.
“Of course…after you’re done,” Snape said nastily, making the look of slight relief on Ron’s face vanish instantly. Ron thought that, at that moment, Snape’s face looked even worse than his genitals. Screwing his eyes shut, he got hold of Snape’s flaccid member and took it in his mouth

Litha Riddle · Jul 23, 2006

I think the guy who's writing this garbage, must be locked up in a top security prison somewhere. Or maybe a high security mental institution.

I mean it is completely sick and very disturbing.

Litha

Xantam · Jul 23, 2006

I can't believe I highlighted the text!!! No my eyes! That was the most disturbing thing I've ever read.

Niffler Lord · Jul 23, 2006

Dude you are not the only one. Thankfully I only read the first word before I realized what I did. Ok guys lets knock it off. This was the kind of thing that lead the old thread to be locked.

And that author needs to be shot. Multiple times.

Deadman · Jul 23, 2006

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2359660/1/

Not disgusting type of bad, just, way-too-many-poorly written-cliches bad.

MrINBN · Jul 24, 2006

That is, by and large, the single most disgusting thing I've ever seen. They'd have to invent a whole new crime for HPAD. Seriously. There's a what... 140 year age difference?

Nenagh24 · Jul 25, 2006

I got this sent to me by a c2 I watch for the sole purpose of making fun of the fics.

Category: Harry Potter
Title: True Colours
Genre: Action/Adventure/Angst
Rating: Fiction Rated: M
Summary: What if harry had a sister? They have a hidden past. the
golden twins arn't so golden. Muggle and Magic united as the world learns
the truth about their past. Dark! Mature Themes! SLASH! HPGW Xover.
Click to expand...

Not only is it a badly done crossover with slash and new OCs thrown in, the sister is a Mary Sue/Author insert. Safe to say, it was deleted from my inbox as fast as possible.

MrINBN · Jul 26, 2006

Click... if you dare. It rapes Harry Potter, LotR and several Anime fandoms. I found a sporking of this on Deleterius, a community dedicated to wiping out HP and LotR rape. And poking fun at said fics in the process.

Niffler Lord · Jul 26, 2006

I dared. And I couldn't get past the 5th chapter... That fic sucked donkey nuts!!!

Here's one for you. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2934112/1/

AU Harry Potter is not the boywholived, his brother Tommy supposedly is. What will happen to the elder Potter boy? Prologue and chapters 1 & 2 by bexd47. Child Abuse and Dumbles bashing.Heartland crossover Don't have to know heartland to read it!

Nenagh24 · Jul 27, 2006

I'm really considering just dropping this c2, they sent me another bad one. It is called 'EMERALD VENOM.' Honestly, the author should realize that all caps aren't necessary. Here's the summary it gives:

Summary: DARK!HARRY HARRY HAS SNAPPED DUMBLES HAS PUSHED HIM TOO FAR
AND NOBODY KNOWS THE REAL HIM UNTIL TOM RIDDLE SHOWS UP AND TELLS HARRY
ABOUT HIS VENOM EYES RATED M FOR SAFETY REASONS TRHP LMGW DMHG BWCW FWRL
GWBL SFDT NLBZ RLSSSB HAVE FUN READING MPREG!
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I clicked to see if the entire story yells at me and it turns into an emo-Harry/Song-fic! Soo bad!

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0

Flamata First Year

The Dark Monarch Backtraced

madeyemoody High Inquisitor

Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

Lady Almaren Seventh Year

Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

madeyemoody High Inquisitor

Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

Nenagh24 Second Year

Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

madeyemoody High Inquisitor

Litha Riddle Banned DLP Supporter

Xantam Denarii Host

Niffler Lord Headmaster

Deadman First Year

MrINBN Unspeakable

Nenagh24 Second Year

MrINBN Unspeakable

Niffler Lord Headmaster

Nenagh24 Second Year

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v6.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v5.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v2.0

The "awesomely bad" fanfics thread

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0

Flamata First Year

The Dark Monarch Backtraced

madeyemoody High Inquisitor

Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

Lady Almaren Seventh Year

Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

madeyemoody High Inquisitor

Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

Nenagh24 Second Year

Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

madeyemoody High Inquisitor

Litha Riddle Banned DLP Supporter

Xantam Denarii Host

Niffler Lord Headmaster

Deadman First Year

MrINBN Unspeakable

Nenagh24 Second Year

MrINBN Unspeakable

Niffler Lord Headmaster

Nenagh24 Second Year

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v6.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v5.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v2.0

The "awesomely bad" fanfics thread

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