The fic, my review for it, or my response to your question about the author's logic? Or all three?

 

The fic you posted was horrid, but I think out of the two mine took the biscuit.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2908523/1/

Harry Has Family?

What if Harry had another family member he didn't know about? What if his mother's real Dad was actually alive? Crossover with Brokeback Mountain! Pairings, E.Del Mar Jack Twist, DMHP

 

Ugh.

Please, tell me this is a joke. uke:

 

Pukes...Tell me you're joking.

 

lol! laughed my ass off at that.
There was one story cant remember name, had a sequel to it as well. the first one was like 500k words and the second one like 300k. It was H/G, Harry has like 15 different animagus forms, ron is master strategist, hermione is still the same anal bitch.

 

The DMHP almost threw me off but I decided to just see how bad this was. Read the first paragraph... then closed the window. UGH!!

 

I made it to the end of the first chapter and then :GAG:

Was I wrong to almost throw up reading these two sentences? Guh, my throat is still constricting.

Good thing I didn't eat breakfast. Little Lion?! That's worse than that "silver serpent" thing that I keep hearing!

 

My goodness - you know, it never occurred to me that I'd miss an entirely different set of fanfiction cliches by avoiding slash. But wow - the idea of an "inner veela" or the phrase "little lion"? Apparently I've missed SHEER HORROR - but it's just SO funny when I don't have to actually read the fics themselves.

After all, it's not like we're hearing Wormtail think about Dumbledore "He didn't know if he could control the rat in him if he found out someone had harmed his little bee." You see, without having to worry about the terrible, terrible fic itself, out of context it can seem quite amusing.

-J

 

No you don't have to miss this cliche even if you don't read slash.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3167215/1/

Draco as Veela blood and find his mate. The problem: Veela blood is more animal than human.Can his mate love him even if he's part animal?Oh his mate: Ginny Weasley.​

 

*Hara Kiri*

:::

You know, has anyone noticed the age old excuse "My spell checker doesn't work" or "I don't have a spell checker?"

How is it possible to NOT have a spell checker? Are these people typing on Wordpad or something?

 

Judging from the horrific tortures us DLPers have to go through, apparently they do.

 

Title: Harry Potter The Lord of the Light
Author: diabolic321
Summary: Harry is the magical Heir of Merlin. He is the most powerful being on Earth. All hell will break loose. No Slash, Very Powerful, Independent Harry. Goody Goody, Arse kickin' Harry
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3183304/1/

Well. With this summary I shouldn't have opened it at all but I was ensnared by independent and arse kickin'. It's horrible. As bad as Living in Mortal Hell. It is spiked with the usual cliches; the text desperately needs a beta and the only original element of the plotline is that Harry learns of Sirius's will not by letter but when he enters Gringotts.

He is heir of Potter, Black, Merlin – I was astonished that there was none of the founders

There is a white Phoenix guarding Merlin's vault who detects ...:

Blahblahblah letter from Merlin blahblahblah stating Harry can become ten times more powerful than Merlin, Prometheus, Tom Marvolo Riddle and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore together.

Of course Harry's reaction:

And so on. Betrayal of all friends, stolen money, destroyed Dementors (twenty with two Patronuses), defeated Death Eaters, the usual dispute with DD and his gang, and all that within one chapter.

 

Thankfully your quotes and descriptions were enough to persuade me to NOT click the link.

 

Unfortunately for me, the quotes weren't quite enough of a warning. ::Sighs:: Why must I be so naturally curious? I'm so stupid! I read the first four sentences and exited. The trashing under the sheets part killed it even more than the neuclear bomb reference.

 

I've been reading a book recently that contains an interesting portrayal or Merlin. He's basically a semi-crazy-but-brilliant druid who ritually sacrifices children, bathes in blood, and wants to drive all Christianity out of Britain so he can harness the power of the old gods once more.

I was thinking that it might make an interesting reincarnation or Merlin fic, rather than the usual trash that we get.

*look above*

 

Would that happen to be Bernard Cornwells series? If so, ood on you, he is an undiscovered genius in the literary worlds. All his series and books are excellent.

His portrayal of Merlin is very accurate to the time period, which I what I like about his King Arthur series.

 

Oh good lord. I've been trudging my way through another bad, cheesy, painfully slow going Harry sent back to his younger body fic. And I just hit 6 year old Harry making bestest friends with 6 year old Hermy (while of course having the mental link with the alternate universe future where Hermione, Luna, and Ginny share a singular body of one super!Harry.) And now Hermione's mom is insisting that Harry bathe and that he bathe with Hermione.

Now listen kiddies, if you had a friend's mom or dad that forced you to bathe despite your protestations otherwise then you really need to be telling this to the cops. Or your therapist. They'll have a doll you can point to, if need be. Dealing with your personal issues by writing about them in fanfiction and pretending their normal helps nobody.

This is just like the dentist that makes you turn your head and cough. Or the gym teacher. Or tailor.

This wonderful fic is entitled: Too Much Time On My Hands by neopyro.

I'm sure you think I may be overreacting and turning something innocent into something dirty. Bite me. Here's a quote:

That's right. Hermione's mom is thinking about the size of his six year old penis. And I really believe the author thought this was a perfectly normal thing to put in his fanfic.

 

Holy fucking shit! I skipped this story because of the soul-link crap I smelled a mile away... and it seems I was right. If you're even thinking of writing something like this, you really need professional help.