The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0

Inquisition · Oct 9, 2006

How about this one? A complete ripoff of Doctor Who.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2684702/1/

bornagainpenguin · Oct 10, 2006

nonjon said: ↑

This wonderful fic is entitled: Too Much Time On My Hands by neopyro.
Click to expand...

The sad thing is I actually enjoyed this fic, in a guilty pleasures type deal, with the laughing and whatnot from some of the silliness.

The biggest problem seems to be the author's confusion on ages.

You DO NOT leave two six year old children alone in the house with a note.

You DO NOT let two six year old children bathe alone in a tub together, especially if its a 'double sized' tub. Children have drowned in less water!

The author might have been able to get away with this if they'd adjusted the ages upward by three or four years...maybe.. but a good family doesn't allow six year olds to be alone like that, to cook unattended like this... Now adjust those ages up quite a bit and you might be able to get away with some things--but if you adjust the ages upward you don't get to do cutesy scenes or have them bathe together because then they'd be old enough to 'know better' but that said I found myself enjoying this fic as a guilty pleasure until I got to the most recent chapter when Hermoine managed to convince Harry to put on a bloody dress...

--bornagainpenguin

Amerision · Oct 10, 2006

I've never seen a more pathetic attempt at combining cliches.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3190480/1/

A/N: Hello all, this is my attempt at a new story. I hope it is more to your liking than my previous ones, which I must say, were as cliché as Stained Future’s stories. I apologise to anyone whose crap I might have copied, but I can assure you that this is not based on anything – as far as I know.
Click to expand...

And this is supposed to be less cliched than his previous ones...

Mordecai · Oct 11, 2006

MERLIN WITH A MOHAWK!!!!!! W000000T

Nothing can top that for absurdidty Im sure.

They would also focus on martial arts and physical or non-magical combat that included the use of a variety of weapons including swords, daggers, axes, maces, quarterstaffs and more.
Click to expand...

Excellent, and of the utmost neccessity I am sure.

Of course, he is naturally not related to Merlin, or the Founders. He is related to Hildric the White Thaumaturge of the Clan Potter.

Thaumaturgy was the branch of magic that is concerned with the real-world, essentially - miracles. As thaumaturgy is a rather fancy word, we can just stick with saying that Hildric was frickin’ powerful and decided to direct his power at defeating the dark lord of that era. A person who is a thaumaturge can choose one thing that they want to do, in effect, they have one wish, albeit a limited wish. Their power will obey the wish, and change its structure to suit the type of magic necessary for fulfilling the wish.
Click to expand...

When the Dark Lord’s snake-like ‘tool’ became visible, both Harry and Merlin gagged and the screen shattered. It had just been revealed that Voldemort was so ugly that even an inanimate object could not stand him.
Click to expand...

How charming.

And how could we forget that Harry is going dark, because the advanced tracking charms Ron placed on him are not working anymore. And that requires extremely Dark Magic. Of course, Dumbledore supports Ron, and Moody shouts at Ron.

Such a charming piece of literary excretion.

Dark Minion · Oct 12, 2006

I just stumbled over this one ...

Title: untitled (sic! – Err, or sick, whatever you want)

Author: burning shadowcat

Summary: harry ron and hermione are the only survivers of a magical holocast so they plan to use a dangerus ritual to travil to at least one maybe more alternate realitys

Link: untitled hosted at fanfiction.net

I'm a German. So I won't joke about holocast. And I know that it's hard to write texts in a non-native language. But it's not only the language that convinced me to place this ... thing ... here.

The following excerpt is the part of the first chapter I actually read.

It was a dark and stormy day and Moldyworts was dead. That was something Harry, Ron and Hermione never thought they would see, especialy since the war had lasted since Department of Mysterys insident seven year ago.

They and their familars were the onlysurvivers of the magical world. The last battle had been the night before. Voldemort had cast a spell desind to wipe out everyone that carried the magical gene but himself and Harry. It was only because Harry, Ron and Hermione had done both the blood sib and the soul sib rituals that they lived.

There was still hope for them though. Dumbldore new he was going to die and he left a gift behind for them for after the final battle. This gift was a ritual to leave one world and enter another of their chioce. All they had to do was set the paramiters and complete the ritual.

They all had bottemless trunks so they could fit everything in them. As Ron and Harry were decendants of purebloods they had access all the vault at gringguts and they emtyd dthem all into their bottemless trunks. All the money, books and artifacs went with them.

Hermione had insisted that they set free all the Hogwarts houselfs free and that they take a traviling trunk with them. A traviling trunk is a seven layer trunk. The first layer is bedrooms. The second layer is is the kitchen, dining room, bathroom, spa and pool. The third layer is a fully stacked potions lab and all the ingredent bottles had a always full spell on them so they could not run out. The fouth layer is a fully stocked hospital wing complete with white walls and hard beds. The fith layer is a dualling practice hall and the sixth layer is a quiddich pitch with brooms, balls and natual sunlight. The seventh layer is a huge area of diverse landscapes for all the breeding populations of magical animals in the seventh layer.
Click to expand...

The best is his/her/its disclaimer:

I own nothing you read in this story but my origonality
Click to expand...

I fear I might even continue to read this ... perhaps it is ridiculous enough for me to laugh my ass off ... well ... yes ... sometimes I'm the only one to understand my ... err ... humour ...

Edit:
Ok. I have to admit it is quite original. Never before I've read a fic where one stores the whole earth in one trunk.

Edit 2:
No I won't read it further. The next paragraphs contain the male veela, mpreg, vampire, elf, ... cliches.

Addendum:
I just tipped untitled into the small search box at the top of the ff.net search page.
Stories by Title: 458 ... 458 ... four hundred and fifty eight

Dark Minion · Nov 4, 2006

Title: The House of Lords
Author: maginot's ink
Genre: Action/Adventure/Humor
Summary: A political Story about an independent Harry rebelling against the order. T for Language Light HHr No Slash
Link: The House of Lords hosted at fanfiction.net

The connection the author (male) draws between the House of Lords and Wizarding Britain bear much potential for a political story. But it's badly written. He tries to write humour, but it's the blatant kind of humour, i.e. the usual Dumbledore-bashing letter in chapter two:

Dear Mother Fucker and Lemon loving loon,

I have escaped. You will never find me. I am disappearing. And Even if you do find me, I have managed to secure forever my independence, even in death.

To the slimy-haired grease-ball mother fucker,

Please find enclosed the stock certificates entitling you to majority share of the Muggle company Johnson&Johnson. They make a full range of the world’s best and most popular shampoo and hygiene products.

To Lemon-loving twinkle-assed loon,

Please note my fond farewell gifts and warnings.

I have enrolled you in platinum membership in a Muggle organization called NAMBLA. Further you are now on record as a clergyman of the muggle Catholic church. This entitles you to an arrest warrant in LA district court on suspicion of criminal pedophilic acts. This warrant is recognized in all muggle governments so be careful. PS This info has been forwarded to the daily prophet which has already run the story. Might want to schedule a chat with the board of governors before they want to chat with you. Tootles.

Harry

“Free at last, Free at last, Thank the lord, I am free at last.”
Click to expand...

I don't even smirk if anyone names DD and SS Dear Mother Fucker and Lemon loving loon – it happens quite too often. And the rest of that letter ... well ...

The think that really made me laugh my ass off was the inheritance cliche. Somehow I doubt it was intended to be funny.

After Harry had awoken from his shock-induced faint at learning everything, he started to ask Ragnarok some real questions.

Can I have a towel? (the goblins had dumped cold water on his head to wake him up)

Moving onto more important matters Harry meditated for a moment on more important matters. Like who he now was.

He had gone through several draining magical rituals and picked up some minor new personality traits, along with control of the wizarding world. He was the head of the

Gryffindor

Potter

Black

Malfoy

Lestrange

Morrigan (Ravenclaw- dormant through his mother’s line)

Slytherin

Azkaban

Windsor

Hohenzollern

Hapsburg
Click to expand...

Why didn't he just made him head of the house of Adam and Eva?

Then I read his profile. He claims to write in the tradition of ...

The story I am writing now is hopefully a new idea in the genre of great storys like

The lord of Caer Azkaban (Rorach'sblot, update soon please); The Earl of the North (Lord Silvre, update soon please); Reign of Power (???, update soon please); and many others.

(...)

You will see politics, and dumbledore-bashing though. Most of the humor is inspired by the AMAZING "Where in the world is Harry Potter" trilogy which thrives on humor and cheekiness to a whole new plane of existence.
Click to expand...

Darius · Nov 6, 2006

Dear Dumbledore

I am gone, Fuck You, Wash your hair Snape, Haha Dumbledore your in shit.

Am I good at summarizing things or what?

MrINBN · Dec 4, 2006

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/girlwholived/ is the second worst HP sue in existance. There are no other words to describe it. I doubt that even Madeye's twisted enough to enjoy this. Seriously. It's that bad. I've ripped the files for you guys, if you really want to read them. http://illhostit.com/files.php?id=71bb5c81df08245552bd85e45b34c55b

Mordecai · Dec 4, 2006

You know, it was eitehr that or something by the author was in the library once.

Tinn Tam · Dec 4, 2006

ineedbettername said: ↑

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/girlwholived/ is the second worst HP sue in existance. There are no other words to describe it. I doubt that even Madeye's twisted enough to enjoy this. Seriously. It's that bad. I've ripped the files for you guys, if you really want to read them. http://illhostit.com/files.php?id=71bb5c81df08245552bd85e45b34c55b
Click to expand...

Please give quotes? I feel lazy today.

EDIT: Okay, the best parts of it were a bad rip-off of canon. And the martial arts part... I don't know whether to laugh or cry over humanity.

MrINBN · Dec 4, 2006

Tinn Tam said: ↑

Please give quotes? I feel lazy today.
Click to expand...

Okay.

When I was dressed I went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all of Dudley’s birthday presents. It looked as though Dudley had got the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike. Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to me, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise – unless it involved punching somebody. Dudley’s favourite punching bag had been me, until I was seven years old. As during the first year of Primary Schooling a teacher had witnessed Dudley’s attempt to catch me, and had taken me under his wing so to speak, and taught me martial arts classes every day after school.

When I had a full year of classes under her belt, I got tired one day of being chased by Dudley and stood my ground. The result being that Dudley had to go to the Doctor for a cast on his arm, which I had neatly broken, it startled me that I had that much strength. By the time I was nine, not a single boy in school dared approach me, as Dudley and his gang suffered more visits to the Doctor for their attempts to beat me up. My Sensei was also befuddled at the almost unnatural strength that I showed, many punching bags had to be replaced over time.
Click to expand...

A 9 year old girl breaking a punching bag that even skilled martial artists would have trouble with? Bullshido!

I didn’t look it, but I was also very fast. Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but I looked small and skinny for my age, as all I had to wear were old clothes of Dudley’s and Dudley was about four times bigger than I was. I had a thin face, knobbly knees, long black hair that reached to my shoulders, and bright green eyes. The only thing I liked about my own appearance was a very thin scar on my forehead which was shaped like a bolt of lightning. I had had it as long as I could remember and the first question I could ever remember asking my Aunt Petunia was how I had got it.

“In the car crash when your parents died,” she had said. “And don’t ask questions.”

Don’t ask questions – that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as I was turning over the bacon.
Click to expand...

Look familiar? It should. It's basically bastardized canon.

Inquisition · Dec 4, 2006

The problem was, despite my totally unnatural strength (my Sensei said it should have belonged to a three men in their prime), other strange things often happened around me and it was just no good telling the Dursleys that I didn’t make them happen.
Click to expand...

Ooh, Japanese influences. Where's the Card Captor Sakura nod?

I stood and stretched luxuriantly and yawned. I was in my third day of seclusion after my teacher, the druidess Cerelian had spent more than a month training me. And it definitely showed, my skinny frame was completely gone, to be replaced with a trim toned body, I stood now at five foot four inches. My skin had a brown tan and my mane of long black hair fell into the small of my back, I had lengthened it using my continually growing Metamorphmagus (a wizard or witch who could change their appearance at will) talents. I had even restored my pubic hair between my legs to mirror those of Cerelian. I had brilliant green eyes and on my forehead was a thin-lighting shaped scar.
Click to expand...

Hooray for pubes. Actually, I didn't see that line until after I copied and pasted. Really.

“You’ll meet the same sticky end as your parents once of these days, Rose Potter,” he said softly. “They were meddlesome fools, too.”
Click to expand...

Nyah ha ha. Recycled bad guy line: check.

“Oh,” said Sirius, looking at Moony suddenly. “Ummm…Rosey, I think Remus would appreciate it if you could put your amulet back on, seeing you naked is not something I think he was expecting tonight.”
Click to expand...

Yeah, Rosey. You're turning the guy from gay moustache man to pedophile. Stop it.

How's that for quotes?

Edit: Just wondering, what's the ship for this story?

World · Dec 4, 2006

I had even restored my pubic hair between my legs to mirror those of Cerelian.
Click to expand...

...
WHAT?

Oh god, kids these days...

Reminds me of a picture of some teen magazine in which there were some forms which were supposed to help the young girls to shave/cut their pubic hair in a specific shape ... *shakes head*

Yeah, Rosey. You're turning the guy from gay moustache man to pedophile. Stop it.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I never saw Remus as a pedophile either...

As for the ship? I'd say it's either with Draco or Remus/Sirius. Or Snape, because it covers both the pedophile and the Slytherin part...

nonjon · Dec 4, 2006

Yeah. Lots of nudity, druidess, goddess type stuff I think in that one. Never really gave it much of a shot, but I always appreciate it when authors try to locate NEKKID pictures of all their story's characters. Helps me visualize them when I choose not to read the fic. Not even the naked pictures could make me want to read the fic. But I did check out all the pictures. Didn't think reviewing them would've been helpful.

And in answer to Mordecai's mention this is the same author who's got a Harry Potter/Stargate crossover in the library here.

Dark Minion · Dec 4, 2006

nonjon said: ↑

... I always appreciate it when authors try to locate NEKKID pictures of all their story's characters. Helps me visualize them when I choose not to read the fic. Not even the naked pictures could make me want to read the fic. But I did check out all the pictures. ...
Click to expand...

I just checked out the pictures. They are ... interesting ...

A lot more authors should follow the example and provide additional ... stuff ... for their readers.

Even if the story is trash I'd say 4/5 overall

Inquisition · Dec 6, 2006

Sevvie Reloaded by Tomo Potter reviewsHarry Potter always wanted a family... but what does this recurring dream have to do with his father? SLASH AND MPREG JPSS, RWHP, HGRW, minor GWHP
Click to expand...

God save us all.

TheIllusiveOne · Dec 6, 2006

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3102895/2/

"SKIP!" screamed Cho again, only this time, she didn't bolt upright.

Instead, she only twisted at the waist to look behind her and scold the dog. "Skip," she repeated in a calmer tone, "I told you NOT to do that. Now, don't lick me like that again!" Skip could tell Cho liked it. He tilted his head and licked her twice more. When she moaned and stopped drying her hair, he knew he had her. Her vaginal juices were beginning to flow each time he lapped at her pussy. His long powerful tongue easily penetrated her soft fleshy folds and up to her nether land. Her juices flowed so freely he was having trouble keeping up. He licked her pussy and cleaned her anus as she pushed back against him. Listening to the girl moan and groan as he intensified his licking and lapping, Skip became more and more aroused. Smelling the increasing aroma as the girl oozed more and more wetness added to Skip's arousal. Before long, he was sporting a raging hard on. His long thin red cock had pushed well past the outer hood was bouncing beneath his tummy. Cho was becoming more and more limp with arousal. She dropped her towel and leaned her upper body on her bed for support. She couldn't help herself; Skip's tongue was driving her wild. She arched her back, lifted her ass and spread her legs to allow Skip better access. He kept licking and nipping at her sex like a kid with a drippy Popsicle.
Click to expand...

HAHAH! Cho/Dog smut

Inquisition · Dec 6, 2006

Read: Author and her dog, Skip.

Didja read the profile? Other works include another HP smut piece and... Bill Nye the Science Guy (Although that's not an NC-17; thank god...)?

nonjon · Dec 6, 2006

Oh lordy that Cho/Dog smut was beautiful.

She'd never felt such a distinguished "gush"
Click to expand...

Hmm, what does it say about my opinion of Cho that the idea she has large breasts is what I find hardest to believe about that chapter?

Dark Minion · Dec 6, 2006

The third chapter contains her disclaimer:

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character from Harry Potter. J.K.Rowling owns them . The only thing I do actually own is my dog Skip.
Click to expand...

All hints point to self-insertion and living out or rather writing out her most secret desires.

Now what about the dog? Is it technically a GaryStue?

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

bornagainpenguin DLP Archivist

Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Darius 13/m/box

MrINBN Unspeakable

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

MrINBN Unspeakable

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v6.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v5.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v2.0

The "awesomely bad" fanfics thread

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v3.0

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

bornagainpenguin DLP Archivist

Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Darius 13/m/box

MrINBN Unspeakable

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

MrINBN Unspeakable

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

Inquisition Canadian Ambassador to Japan DLP Supporter

nonjon Alumni Retired Staff

Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v6.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v5.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v2.0

The "awesomely bad" fanfics thread

Useful Searches