This is just one of those fics that I couldn't help but look at. One of those train wreck ideas, that you know you're going to be curious enough about to click, read, and then probably wonder why the hell you read.

Harry Potter: Boy Tennis Star by ttchaku
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2540576/1/
AU [No Magic] The dream tennis team: Riddle, Snape, Granger, Thomas, Finnegan, Malfoy, and Weasley needed one more star. They got one better. They got Harry Potter, a smart, wisecracking boy wonder with dreams to fulfill and the skills to accomplish them.
Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: T - English - General - Chapters: 9 - Words: 26629 - Reviews: 187 - Updated: 9-10-06 - Published: 8-18-05

Yes. A no magic fic about tennis. And making the tennis team. Let's throw in that Harry is miraculously about 5 years younger than everyone else (he's 11, Ron's 15, everyone else is at least 16). And the author is still "undecided" about whether to include slash.

Reading about teenage Tom sympathizing with Harry, having grown up abused, as he drops him off after tennis practice while Harry's struggling with the rugged neighbor boy Cedric who's basically stalking the pre-teen, the whole thing is totally surreal.

You know you want to read it.

 

Ah, yes, I've stumbled across that one before. No wait! I tripped over it, fell on my face, got up, looked at the first page, screamed and ran away. Yeah that sounds about it.

Wasn't that one based off a manga or something of the like?

 

The one thing I don't understand is... tennis team!? What fucking team? Tennis is not a team sport.

 

nonjon...

Please, tell me 70% of the reviews are flames. Please.

 

Sorry Tam, all of the reviews I looked at were praising the damn thing. Humanity is doomed.

Edit: Here's another one for the awsomely bad fanfic collection.

The Unwanted becomes known by armygundamgirl
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2937459/1/
Angela was the unwanted child of of Dudley Dursley, but with the return of her mother and a special letter she will become known to her real father. Can probably guess who he is but see my take on how he and his friends, and their children, turned out.
Fiction Rated: T - English - General - Chapters: 6 - Words: 15474 - Reviews: 15 - Updated: 12-8-06 - Published: 5-13-06

Nope the father isn't Snape...

 

again the tennis thingy

I nearly laughed my ass off when I saw this. It even seems to be decent - if one is interested in tennis (I'm not). And as far as I looked the reviews are all praising the thing, even some non-fangirlish reviews.

It's just one of those original stories, who's authors want to attract more readers by posting the fic in the HP-section. Considering the reviews it's an obviously successful tactic.

 

I'm assuming it is like high school with a varsity (or junior varsity) squad. 3 singles players, two doubles teams usually for a total of seven. But I'm speaking of my high school... I couldn't read *that* much of this fic.

And glancing at the reviews I think there is some similarity to a manga about the "Prince of Tennis." But this is as bad as the dance school fics.

Egads. Harry married to Ginny? And of course the result of his one-night stand was raised by Dudley. That's a tough call with a triangle between wife!Ginny and one-night-stand!Dudley's-Sloppy-Seconds. (Can you really choose Dudley's Sloppy Seconds? Because you can't choose wife!Ginny, that's for sure.)

If only we were lucky enough for her to fall in love with a festering Malfoy spawn named something like Alexio. Right. Like that could ever happen.

Someone get the gun and aim for their keyboard.

 

Or the author, whichever suits your fancy.

 

...like, just in case you're so dim you haven't worked out the last part yet, son...

 

Haven't read the whole thing, but from what I can tell of the first chapter, Lily shacked up with a Malfoy, maybe willingly, and Draco is the BWL. /shudders

 

This is fucking hilarious. Qite shitty too, but hilarious none the less

 

I sometimes wonder if JK Rowling ever reads fan fics. If she does, I bet there are times where she would love to murder some people.

 

I stopped asking me the question shortly after I started reading fanfiction. If she knew what has been done and still is being done with her beloved characters, she would forbid fanfiction at once. She would only need to point towards some nasty things at ff.net or ficwad and public opinion would support her at once.

 

I know! I hate unfinished fics that are WIP after ages of no updates.

 

I don't like cliche stories either, but if there are at least 1,000,000 stories on the net and you if find one that is actually original, it would be like finding a needle in the hay stack. They should get a prize for doing it.

 

Don't double post. Use the edit function.

The Son

 

Author: Mind-Mage
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but the plot, and maybe some future characters.
Summary: Harry finds that people have lied and used him, manipulating his whole life, now he’s going at it as an independent man to bring Revenge on the people who wronged him and kill the Dark lord and his minions not for the people but for Revenge. Dark-Harry, Independent-Harry, Powerful-Harry.

Warning: This story will have violent themes, sexual situations and there will be bad language through out, there will be situations where child abuse may be mentioned or vividly described this may also include sexual abuse or underage sex or just plain old rape (by DE’s). You’ve been warned.

Language:

“Talking”

“Thinking” + righting+ Flash Backs

“Spell”

“Foreign Language”




Unbinding Fury
Harry Potter rolled out of his four poster bed and hit the freezing cold stone floor of the Gryffindor dormitories and groaned in pain, holding his stomach, ever since he fired that bloody criuictas curse at Bellatrix Lestrange he had felt constricted and strapped up, by invisible bonds inside of him, he could move but it was painful when doing magic, it felt when he cast magic that his magic was trying to leave his core only to be stopped and strained through tiny holes and controlled not letting out the amount needed, he had to strain against it, it was painful he felt these straps around his core tightly binding it, he didn’t think this was natural and he did feel when he cast the criuictas curse something crack and break then disappear inside of him, that’s when he started to feel something binding him painfully, he decided that if this was not natural then he couldn’t tell anyone encase they Oblivated him and then replaced the thing that broke and stopped him feeling the bindings and the pain of them.



Harry was absolutely furious; someone was binding his magic, intelligence, emotions, memories and his physical growth and healing, he knew since the most powerful blocks and magical straps were for his magic that was because the magic core itself was the hardest to bind but his intelligence, emotions, memories and physical growth was all placed under a powerfully magic seal that had broke during the DoM accident when he fired the criuictas curse that’s what broke since the magic of an unforgivable was unblockable the magic binds did not stop the magic, effectively destroying the magical seal, then his memories had come back making Harry angry his emotions felt right for a change not the usual forced nonchalance he had before, things like magical theory from advanced charms and transfiguration was suddenly simpler easy to understand, he started to grow muscle faster and his height was going up, he read up in the libraries restricted section at night to find out what type of bonds were on him and found out the reason he was suddenly smarter, remembering things and feeling new emotions was because he found out he was being suppressed by a special seal on top of his magic that consequently blocked the pain from his magic binding, though another book said it was hard to find your magic core in yourself and the more powerful you were the harder to find but since the bonds were so tight and painful he knew were it was without searching and that gave him a great advantage while doing magic.




Harry had also found that who ever did this to him could do it easily after that first time the bonds had been placed and because by how he looked, being malnourished, the seal must have been put on him after his parents death by someone extremely powerful, the way the seal was updated told Harry that it had to be Dumbledore that put the bounds on him he was the only one powerful and subtle enough to do it, the seal was updated every 6 months by the owner, say if the owner decided he wanted Harry to forget yesterday he would just direct his magic at Harry and tell the seal to block the memories the emotions or only let him feel certain emotions, this led Harry to believe it was Dumbledore because of the way Dumbledore could use magic wandlessly when the only other person who could was Voldemort and Voldemort was not around Harry enough to update the seal, plus he wanted Harry dead not weak, his physical growth was not stunted by malnourishment like he first thought because he found out that magic stopped things like malnourishment from effecting the body by feeding the body magic, to magic children, the seal actually stopped this magic from working and had stunted Harry’s growth intentionally.




It didn’t take Harry long to figure out why Dumbledore did this, he wanted to be able to control Harry that’s why he was at the Dursley’s every summer to break him and then see Dumbledore as his savoir when he came to pick him up, well not anymore he was not gong back there fuck Dumbledore and the Fried Turkey Club he need to train become strong live life and try not let the prophecy rule his life, he was not stupid, well far from it now but that’s beside the point, he knew Sirius’ death was not all his fault, the people that was at fault were Dumblefuck, The Smelly Humanoid Bat Snape, Mouldy Shorts, Kreacher the Demented Portrait Fucker and Myself with a Hero Complex, though he now knew it was Dumbles fault for the hero complex with the magic seal.




Harry got off the cold stone floor of Gryffindor tower and realized that there was no-one in the dormitory he checked his watch and found it to be 11am, he sighed, he would have to get food from dobby he sighed again and returned to his thoughts as he got dressed and started walking down to the kitchens for breakfast, In a way he was lucky Sirius had died because if not Harry would never had used the criuictas curse on Bellatrix, then he would never have broken the seal and he would still be a pawn of Dumbledore at least with the mess of Voldemort returning the school was being used to calm people and organize defences and upgrading the wards and everything else, the school had basically shut down for 2 weeks before the students were remembered and organized to leave on the 17th of July instead of the 1st so they had been told they didn’t have to come back to school until the 17th of September this worked out for Harry because it was time longer away from his relatives not that it mattered seen as though he wasn’t going back there, ever!



As Harry looked through some of his recovered memories he found about four events that had taken place where Ron had let it slip that he wasn’t Harry’s friend and that he was actually manipulated by Hagrid and Ron into believing all Slytherin’s were evil and not to be trusted, come on Mrs Weasley was in on it as well, she had asked George which platform the Hogwarts Express was on, not only did she go to that platform for seven years during her school days, but she went all the time with Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred and George her sons, it was impossible to actually forget, it was when she said the place was packed with muggles did Harry actually decide to go to her and ask about the platform, another memory made Harry stop in his track in shock it was himself naked strapped to a bed with a silencing charm on him with Dumbledore and Ginny at the end of the bed talking.



Dumbledore said that Ginny could have her way with him if she spied on him for Dumbledore, Dumbles said that Harry wouldn’t remember it afterwards, he couldn’t help himself as he relived the memory he started to get a hard on, he was in a secret passage near the kitchens, he watched in a little disgust and excitement as a naked Ginny mounts Harry’s pre-spelled hard on, ‘this must have taken place during the year’ Harry thought, Harry was larger than most his age having a 6½ inch member, Harry watched the memory of himself trying to get away from Ginny as she pounds away at his member at a furious pace, taking him to the hilt, screaming in pleasure till Harry unwillingly climaxes with a surprisingly loose Ginny, he thought to himself for a 14 year old she not tight she must fuck any boy she can get her hands on, slut! Dumbles then enters and cleans up Ginny manually with a tissue fingering her slit as she moans,


Harry was forced to watch the old man fuck her for 15 minutes before Dumbles sent a cleaning charm at Harry with a flick of his wand, Harry watches as Dumbledore concentrates on Harry and waves his hand, Harry feels a tingle of the seal as it reacts to the magic and he looks around the secret passage way as he realizes the memory was finished he looked flushed, but quickly got an angry and disgusted look on his face as he thought to himself ‘its lucky I cant have children’ he said to himself


‘Flash Back’


Ever since he was five years old Harry was constantly beaten, when Vernon got angry over nothing he would be punished, one night his Uncle Vernon only slightly drunk had gotten into his head that Harry would have children one day and leave them for the Dursley’s to look after, forcing them with his freakiness, Harry didn’t know at the time about his magic, Harry was scared obviously and he was beaten till he was inch away from death, screaming himself Horace in pain as his uncle punched his stomach and then his uncles beady little eyes lit up as he found the answer to his problem.



His uncle dragged him to the basement and locked the door, he then stripped Harry naked and kept hitting him between the legs till his uncle passed out in exhaustion leaving a bruised, battered and bleeding boy on the floor in a blissfully unconsciousness, as his uncle passed out he fell over breaking Harry's left leg, when Harry was taken to hospital two days later the Dursley’s said it must have been an older teen gang that did the little child in, they did tests and found out Harry had his testicles crushed and the damage was irreparable, though he got free plastic surgery that repaired it cosmetically he could never have children, though he still had full use of his penis, the police didn’t even bother to ask questions or even look for a teen gang, it was his worst memory ever, apart from when his uncle raped him.
‘End Flash Back’



Harry looked through his memory and found that he had been forced to the bed a couple of times for Ginny’s pleasure doing different things to him or herself using him, he had once heard Ginny moaning about not being pregnant yet and an argument with Dumbles about how she couldn’t become Mrs Potter with out his child to force him, he was quiet pissed off at his ex-friends, as he entered the kitchens he got some toast from a over excited dobby, he then turned his thoughts inward to find anything on Hermione, he found himself in another memory strapped to a bed with Hermione strapped to another bed further away, though they kept her unconscious for Ron while he raped her and then hit her with a simple ‘Oblivate’ for anything she might sub-consciously remembered, Ginny had her way with Harry again



He sighed in relief not all of his friends betrayed him or manipulated him, he walked up to the library he need to plan and find out what he was going to do he had three days before he would need to get the train for London, he sat at a table in the library away from the few people that were reading for pleasure, he set some parchment in front of himself and decided he needed to make a list of things he had to get done to stay away from Dumbles and the order, he also had to keep away from death eaters as well, he needed to make a plan that would work so he picked up his quill dipped it into the cold black ink and wrote:



Plan:



1. get packed and ready for an early morning escape, perfect the ‘illusionus clonus’ diversion charm and cast it before I leave at 8am, the illusion will walk around for 3½ hours people will think I have entered the train just before 11am and it will disappear.



2. I leave at 8 am leave for the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmede and take the Floo to the Leaky Cauldron and then go into Diagon Alley.



3. I enter Diagon Alley and quickly go to Gringotts and try not be seen by anyone.



4. I go to a trunk store and by a special trunk that has multiple Compartments, I will get as much security I can buy.



5. Go to muggle London and get a make over, by some contacts plus coloured ones and make up to hide my scar, get a different hair style plus coloured tints, get MP3 Player and get some of that cool rock music, get my lip pierced as well as my eyebrow maybe even get a tattoo, make sure I will not be recognized.


6. I will then go to Flourish and Blotts for as many books as I need. (Note need lots of money)


7. Go to Madam Malkins and get some formal, dress and casual robes.


8. Go to Knockturn Alley and by a Magical Snake for a familiar, find as many forbidden, dark, black, illegal books on magic as possible, get books on rituals, light, dark, grey any.


9. Find out as much as possible about apparition, portkeys, and Animagus transformations.


10. Get Battle robes, Weapons A couple of Spare wands plus holsters.


11. Get all potion ingredients if possible plus all the different equipment e.g. crystal cauldrons gold stirrers ect.


12. By ritual gear, buy anything that looks good or I may need while there, e.g. pensive, anti-tracker stuff.



13. Go to Borgin and Burkes get some useful stuff ask about time turners or any other better time delaying equipment, ask to see all of his secret stash as well as all his book and old pre-made potions, (Note: get oath of truth and make sure he doesn’t rip you off make sure I have a usable wand to curse the bastard.)


15. Get food, get a hotel room in muggle London and get ready for Shopping for a full wardrobe of muggle stuff the next day.




As Harry finished the last bullet point, he smiled ‘I will get out of Dumbles reach one way or another’ he was startled out of his musings by Hermione Grangers exasperated voice “Harry James Potter, where have you been, I have been all over looking for you, where is Ron? I haven’t seen him any where, and what are you righting anyway?” she tried to grab his plan, but Harry’s Quidditch reflexes were to fast for her and he grabbed it and snapped out “it’s a private letter to Mooney and no I haven’t seen Ron!” she nodded sympathy in her eyes as she said “well I’ll leave you to it” she was thinking ‘it must be about Sirius’ death seen as though he meant a lot to both of them,’ After Hermione left Harry relaxed and stood stretching he needed to get that diversion charm perfected tonight he would have to use the ‘Room of Requirements’ to practice.



Harry was outside the ‘Room of Requirements’ pacing backwards and forwards thinking ‘I want a large room where I can practice the diversion charm for a couple hour, I need the room sound proof and un-enter-able’ after a couple of seconds a door appeared, Harry walked in and at one end there was a raised gold ornate throne off the ground and a large space in front, the floor was a dark cherry wood smooth and silent as you walked, there was space enough to practice the spell from, there was a drinks table with a glass and a pitcher of cool water besides the throne, ‘Perfect’ thought Harry, as he surveyed the room.



Harry sat upon the throne and thought about every detail about himself as well as his scar and what it felt like when he was touched, he then shouted out “illusionus clonus Harry Potter” straining every ounce of magic from all the holes in his core bindings and watched as another of himself appeared in front of him, this was his twelfth try, he was surprised as he went down and looked it over and touched it getting a shock when what he touched was there, the illusion was just that a hologram with no physical body but when he thought about it if he could imagine enough detail and put enough power into the spell he could do almost anything, he got up stretching popping his bones and leaving with the intent of getting some sleep before tomorrow, it would be a long day.


End of the chapter.



Spells:
'Oblivate': the spell that wipes some ones memory of a certain event or wipes all memories depending on how much uncontrolled magic is used.
'illusionus clonus ' : this spell creates an illusion of the person you are thinking of and say the name of, if you thought of your self and said ‘illusionus clonus Joe Bloggs’ that would create a illusion of you for around about 2 hours at standard power as the illusion wears out it will start to walk through objects.



(Plz Review)



AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOO HORRIBLE ::scratches eyes out, submerges them in acid, puts them through meatgrinder:: Okay I'm done.

 

I think that was already posted somewhere in the thread. I seem to remember this abomination.

 

Out of the 12 main paragraphs, not the list, there is 9 sentences. By sentence, I mean have a period. 3 of those 'paragraphs, are actually one whole sentence.