The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

Oz · Dec 24, 2008

When exactly did this turn into the awesomely bad summaries thread?

Juggler · Dec 25, 2008

When nobody could read the stories.

Sesc · Dec 30, 2008

Yeah, but then post it in the summaries thread.

Anyway, so I felt like some Harry/Blaise, and found something for the List-of-first-sentences-that-make-you-realise-the-story-will-fail: All the Difference in the World.

Contrary to popular opinion, Lord Voldemort was not a muggle-hating psychopath who did not care for others.
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Bzzz, try again, the next one please. And if you don't believe me, read it for yourself:

Lord Voldemort rang the doorbell on the Potter house. As he waited, he mused over what had convinced the Potters to join him. Mainly, it was Lily because of her status as a muggle-born, but James had always been the rebellious type. Especially since Dumbledore had helped pass a law concerning the hunting of werewolves. He was shaken out of his musing as Lily opened the door.

“Oh, hi Tom,” she said, “come in, come in.”

[...]

After taking a few deep breaths, Dumbledore blasted down the door. Immediately, footsteps sounded in the hallway and James appeared, wand out. As soon as he saw Dumbledore, he shouted “Lily, it’s Dumbledore. Get Harry, I’ll hold him off.”

You know, what occurred to me here: Swap the names 'Voldemort' and 'Dumbledore', and you've got both In-Character. But yeah, 's not like you never confused them, hmm? So there. Tiger-Lily.

SEG-CISR · Jan 3, 2009

So the Potters joined the Dark Side? Or have Voldemort and Dumbledore switched roles?

LadyKitti · Jan 4, 2009

Change from the Norm » by lolgirl22 reviews Hermione is not a muggleborn. She is a descendant of Merlin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw. OH MY GOSH! She is now turning seventeen and is about to have a "of-age bash," She then befriends... This is my first Fanfic, hope yall like it.Please r&r.Gracias

joy!! This is overly fangirl-ish and Hermione is now renamed Mary Sue.

“Tomorrow, as you know is your 17th birthday, and we, meaning your mother and I, thought that you would need to know your true identity. You know yourself as Hermione Jane Granger, but you are and always will be Chloé Marie Angel”
“So, I’m not a muggleborn?”
“No you aren’t dear. You are actually a pureblood,” my mother clarified, “We couldn’t tell you or our cover might have been blown. We went into hiding under Dumbledore’s aid so that Voldemort could not recruit us into his legions like he wished.”
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My mistake...Chloé Marie Angel it is.

“Well tonight we are moving back to Angel Castle and you will be having a coming of age ball, according to tradition. All of the invitations have been sent and everyone at Hogwarts and your other friends replied that they would come.” My dad informed me.
“Sick!” I exclaimed excitedly, “Can Harry and the Weasleys, come over early to help out for the ball.”
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Of course there is a castle, every Mary S..err Chloé Marie Angel needs a castle.
Then the story goes into text messaging?

NoSoup4U: Oh. I’m Chloé… you???
DownLowMan: I’m Dray.
NoSoup4U: Hey Dray what year are you at HSWW???
DownLowMan: I’m starting my seventh year this year. You?
NoSoup4U: I am too… That’s cool!!!
DownLowMan: Yeah it is… So are you going to the Angel’s daughter’s of age bash?
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Dear me. I wonder who this "Dray" could be.

At 10 my cell phone surprised me when it began to rang, “Hello?”
“Hey Herms! What’s your floo number?”
“Sorry Gin… um… let me go find it.” I put down the phone and pulled out my floo-guide out of my desk…Angel…Angel…After finding it I picked up the phone and recited “822-555-228”
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Wait whats this? Since when did floo travel have a number?
Oh! And meet Chloé Marie Angel:

“What?” I asked. To answer me Ron led me to the mirror around the fireplace. “Holy Shit!” There in the mirror stood a petite tanned teenage girl with smooth black hair and eerie purple eyes. “Wow” I said while dragging a hand through my curls and examining myself. My bust grew to give me a perfect hourglass figure. I automatically knew that I would have to turn back into Hermione before I went back to school, so then I can know who truly likes me for me and not Chloé and her looks.
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Shes a not so shallow Mary-Sue? Yeah right..
The story goes from bad to worse and she typed our not 1 song, but 3 different songs, all the lyrics. And of course she meets the wonderful "Dray" and quickly falls for him. *Yawn*

~Kitti

ps: edited for Mr Gullible

Gullible · Jan 5, 2009

Stick with the default font and type around the text you want to quote or alternatively highlight it and press the speachbubble button to quote it. Makes it easier on the eyes and less glaring.

Militis · Jan 5, 2009

What the fuck is so hard about leaving the font colors and face alone? They're default for a reason dumbfucks.

Edit: Before anyone gets bent out of shape: The occasional color is fine (obviously, everyone does it), but why the fuck make your ENTIRE fucking post in some color that clashes horribly with the green background?

Edit: You didn't edit it. It's still fucking purple.

LadyKitti · Jan 5, 2009

I edited it why are you still yelling at me? I thought the colors were a fun change. I'll try not to be so colorful in the future. *sigh*

~Kitti

Tinn Tam · Jan 5, 2009

Soft Caresses by HpReWritten
Summary inside folks. DM/HP SB/GW, RL/HG LM/SS
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Here's what's inside:

Soft Carícias

A/N: no summary this time. I think I might try something new and not tell you who the pairings are or what the hell might happen. I hope to enhance the suspense of my readers. I do hope you enjoy. The title, is in Spanish and happens to mean Soft Caresses. So enjoy
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So the summary inside becomes "no summary this time." I'm particularly fond of "not tell you who the pairings are", when DM/HP, SB/GW, RL/HG and LM/SS are mentioned in the summary. Although the explanations for the Spanish title are cute as well... given that the definitive title is in English.

Then we have...

Long ago, about 100,000 years or so back, there was a prophecy made about the Veelas of both Dark and Light nature. A dark Veela and a Light Veela would be enemies up until a certain point in their timeline and then they would end up as lovers/mates. Now the Light Veela’s father will also be the lover/mate of a Dark Veela, who is mentor to both the younger dark and light Veelas. The dark Veela will have suffered greatly in the past at the hands of his “family”. But only he can bring the destruction of the one who threatens his world. Only he can destroy the darkness of the world with the help of his mate and his mate’s father and his mate’s father’s lover.
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Woo. Wonder who that might apply to. I'd also like to shed a fond tear for the "I won't tell you what the hell might happen" in the summary.

And this is where our story begins. It begins on a dark and unusually cold night in June, on the street of Privet Drive, in Surry, London. Our story begins at Number 4, Privet Drive, when one boy is getting the shit pummeled from him and little did this strange, yet powerful, wizard know, he was about to be rescued from the abuse forever.
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Anyone know where Surry is?

"When one boy is getting the shit pummeled from him..." Now that's what I call classy writing.

Harry groaned as his Uncle Vernon kicked him in his already broken ribs again. He was paying for Sirius’ death. With his strange transformation, his nightmares about the night Sirius died, and beatings, he didn’t have time to think of how he was going to pay for bringing upon Sirius’ death. Harry moaned in very obvious pain when his uncle kicked him between the legs.
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If only he could kick hard enough to make him sterile.

As Vernon went in for a punch, the front door burst open and Harry soon had his swimming vision filled with the concern faces of Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, and Draco Malfoy. The last two Harry had a secret alliance going with since the beginning of the last year and Remus was just very dear to Harry.

“Hey cub just hold on,” Remus whispered.
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*clears her throat*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That will be all.

EDIT to JWH:

Il velo del Destino e Destino or the Veil of Destiny and Fate
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There's something endearing about the fact that she didn't even realise she was saying "the veil of destiny and destiny"... Poor Italy.

Also: yay, snow!

Andro · Jan 5, 2009

The same guy:

Forced Love » reviews
summary inside. very detailed summary in my youtube video
Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 8 - Words: 17,288 - Reviews: 28 - Updated: 1-4-09 - Published: 11-29-08
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Less than 100 views I guarantee it.

JWH · Jan 5, 2009

Tinn's fic is an :awesome find.

Ir's full of wtf moments like

Truly awesomely bad fic said:

“The moment I got home, my relatives burned all of my things. Even Hedwig. I’ve been beaten and starved and forced to do chores that are nearly impossible since day one of this summer” Remus was in tears and so he climbed onto the bed Harry was laying in and cuddled Harry close, tears dripping down his face. His cub had been harmed. Harry snuggled closer and asked softly,
“Tell me” Remus knew what Harry wanted to hear. He took a deep breath and said,
“The veil that Sirius fell upon is actually Il velo del Destino e Destino or the Veil of Destiny and Fate” Remus said and Harry looked up at him in confusion.
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We have Pussy!Harry and Molestor!Remus.
And a fangirl who thinks using an online translator to write stupid shit in Spanish makes it look like cool shit. It made me laugh, though.

“So you guys are telling me, that I am a dark Veela, that my mother was also a dark Veela, and that if I deny the bond between Draco and myself or vice versa, both he and I will die a most slow and painful death?” Harry asked and Remus and Draco nodded. Harry sighed and rubbed his eyes.
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Can you feel the potential for a crackfick at the turn of this sentence ? I was half expecting a humourous turn à la Dimension Hopping for Beginners.....
But she's actually serious.

JoJo23 · Jan 12, 2009

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4753602/1/Owl_Treats

It's a Harry/Tracey that made me weep.

Tracey Davis. Harry’s mind filled in, remembering what Cho had told him. She didn’t seem to notice his presence, meaning she wasn’t a threat to him at the moment, so Harry was going to step out, but right at that moment, she whistled.
And an owl flew to her outstretched arm. Not just any owl either.
…Hedwig?
Harry was stunned. How had this girl, this Slytherin girl befriended Hedwig? Harry knew it could not be just any other owl. Hedwig was the only snowy-white owl in all of Hogwarts; of this he was sure. But, it was common knowledge that Hedwig was the owl of Harry Potter. What would a Slytherin want with Harry Potter’s owl?
“How are you today girl?” Tracey Davis spoke softly. “Doing well, I hope?”
Her tone of voice was soft, as if speaking to a loved one. It was not something Harry often heard from a Slytherin, and, despite himself, he found that he quite enjoyed the sound of it. As much as he could have enjoyed it coming from a Slytherin, of course.
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Tracey woke up feeling particularly giddy, and at first, she had no clue why. Memories of last night came rushing back, and she bit back a squeal. She made a friend!
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lawl

Mordac · Jan 14, 2009

JWH said: ↑

Tinn's fic is an :awesome find.

Ir's full of wtf moments like

We have Pussy!Harry and Molestor!Remus.
And a fangirl who thinks using an online translator to write stupid shit in Spanish makes it look like cool shit. It made me laugh, though.

Can you feel the potential for a crackfick at the turn of this sentence ? I was half expecting a humourous turn à la Dimension Hopping for Beginners.....
But she's actually serious.
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I probably shouldn't have, but what I laughed the most at was the "my relatives burned all of my things. Even Hedwig." I hope they at least had the decency to not let a perfectly good roast go to waste.

JWH · Jan 14, 2009

Tinn Tam said: ↑

EDIT to JWH: There's something endearing about the fact that she didn't even realise she was saying "the veil of destiny and destiny"... Poor Italy.

Also: yay, snow!
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...Damn. I actually mistook Italian for Spanish. (I'm actually supposed to have notions of Italian). The author not understanding that Destino and Destino are the same fucking word makes me fear for the future of humanity. And laugh.

Snow was awesome the first week. It got old when university started again and I had to walk (and occasionally trip) on it

On Jojo's find :

Owl Treats said:

Chapter The First
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My, my, isn't that a very promising start ?

...Unfortunately, this is where the lulz ends. After that, it's just another cliché story : dull, but not bad enough to be entertaining, imho.

Thankfully, one doesn't have to loo very hard to find proper Lulz-inducing literature.

I present you with the lastest HP story from FFN's just in category :
[url)http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4791920/1/A_New_Life_A_New_Destiny]A New Life a New Destiny[/url]
A letter from his mother shows Harry the truth. Love turns to hate as Harry learns things he could never imagine. SLASH hp/dm A Voldemort is Harry’s dad fic. Some caractures may be OOC. R&R
Thanks for the warning, girl.

Here's some of the best parts :

You see Harry’s godfather just died, his friends are out enjoying themselves as he sits in his small room, wishing for death
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Of course, at midnight on his 16th birthday, he gets the trademark ZOMG!Revelations!Letter from his mother.

Love
Your Mother,
Lilly Riddle
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Apparently the author isn't a member here, or she didn't read this post.

Harry still had tears in his eyes from when he fell while trying to walk, daddy had put a band-aid on and mommy was singing a song, Harry’s song, slowly little Harry fell asleep.
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Yup, that's Daddy Voldemort we're talking about here.

Dear Father,
I recently received a letter from mother, telling me what happened, I forgive you. I also forgive everyone else, make sure they know that. Please come and get me, I live at number four privet drive.
Love
Harry Riddle
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Damn, didn't take him long to forget this Godfather he wanted to slit his wrist over earlier in the story.

Imagine Voldemort's reaction to that, though...

Sophie · Jan 27, 2009

This is a crime against humanity. Crossovers between HP and Twilight had to appear eventually, but since this is the first time I actually see one my eyes bleed anyway.

One Look Only » by Rieki reviews After having been expelled before his fifth year of Hogwarts, Harry has pushed himself to the breaking point, and Sirius has decided to take charge and give him a vacation to the one place he thinks no one will look for him; Forks. AU/Twilight xover. JB/HFiction Rated: T - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,110 - Reviews: 9 - Updated: 1-27-09 - Published: 1-26-09

Crossover between Twilight and Harry Potter, yes I’m jumping on the bandwagon. However, this is Jacob/Harry, not Edward/Harry.
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Might have been more entertaining if the author had jumped in front of the bandwagon.

Oh, did I mention it's slash?

A second find:

snape gets mad by deatheater wannabe reviews Snape decides that he is tired of doing Dumbledores work so he does sominthing haveing to do with an ax..... Read and Reveiw! oneshotComplete - Fiction Rated: T - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 596 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 1-27-09 - Published: 1-27-09

Read it, you'll fall off your chair. The author notes are actually almost as long as the "story" itself.

“OMG OMG SNAPE KILLED HERMOINE SNAPE KILLED HERMIONE” shouted Ron and Harry.
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OMG stay away from chat language when writing a story ROFL OMG LOL
and it's Hermione, some continuity please!

‘aw perfect now to ill the weasly boy…mwuhahhahhahaha’
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I'd like to "ill" you, too. Care to tell me the incantation?

Excerpt from the author notes:

I am just one of the millions of fan girls
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Congrats, you nailed it.

Seriously, that is a must read. Apparently, idiocy has no boundaries.

Perspicacity · Jan 27, 2009

Nice catch, SophieRoss. I found this possible misspelling of Hermione's name to be particularly interesting:

But Hermione never got to finish that sentence because at that moment Snape came along and simply swung his ax back and cut heroine’s head off.
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Was "Hermione" misspelled as "heroine?" There's really no way of knowing.

Oz · Jan 27, 2009

Oh man, wtf?

HP/Twilight xover. Slashfic. As Harry stares into Edward's eyes, he knows this is a moment he can never let go. A short poem about Harry and Ed's relationship.Complete - Twilight - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 268 - Reviews: 19 - Updated: 1-10-09 - Published: 1-10-09
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<.<

Sophie · Jan 27, 2009

That person listened to too much bad music.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Never_gonna_give_you_up

Bad rip-off.

Glernaj · Jan 27, 2009

SophieRoss said: ↑

That person listened to too much bad music.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Never_gonna_give_you_up

Bad rip-off.
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http://www.classpc.nl/

Read, and you shall understand.

Portus · Jan 27, 2009

I can hardly believe I'm reading this thread; my god, work must be boring... Oh, and I may have to scoop my eyes out with a hot spoon after reading just the SUMMARIES from these train-wreck stories.

Here's a real winner. I'm grinning stupidly just thinking of how awful this must be. Before you start reading, be advised it's incomplete, so you may never know how this epic turns out.

17. Enthrall » reviews
Draco's a veela that's been handed the tough task of seducing Harry Potter to the Dark Lord's side. Will Draco fall in love? Will Harry fall for Draco? And why does Voldemort want Harry? Features Seer!Harry.
Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 31,533 - Reviews: 561 - Updated: 6-19-06 - Published: 9-25-04
This clown does have a few completed masterpieces though. Here are some examples.

18. Fallen » reviews
[COMPLETE Slash: HPxLV, HPxLM, HPxSS] Taken as a child, Harry grows up knowing Nagini as his caretaker and Voldemort as a person that he'd like nothing more than to impress...

Complete - Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 49,567 - Reviews: 825 - Updated: 5-28-04 - Published: 12-15-03
26. Like It Like That » reviews
COMPLETE. HPDM They may never like each other, but that doesn't stop them from shagging nonstop. For Draco, it's a release from the facade he's maintained. For Harry, it's the only piece of sweet ecstasy he can feel when his world is about to crash.

Complete - Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 7 - Words: 11,507 - Reviews: 199 - Updated: 8-8-03 - Published: 7-14-03
27. Love Atrocious » reviews
[COMPLETE HPSS] AU.Harry has been heads over heels in love with Lucius Malfoy, the SEXY and ARROGANT actor for the past 5 years. Too bad Lucius doesn't notice, but Severus Snape, snarky fashion designer, is going to SWEEP Harry off his feet.

Complete - Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 47,493 - Reviews: 530 - Updated: 8-22-04 - Published: 2-10-04
29. To the Point of Exhaustion » reviews
IC. AU. Rich, titled, and privileged Draco Malfoy had everything he desired. Fate struck against him. Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, his life has crashed and burn. Who will repair the damages? Who else but Harry Potter?

Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,731 - Reviews: 155 - Updated: 7-27-04 - Published: 8-10-03
30. Tourniquet reviews
[ONESHOT HPxSS] Harry’s magic is dead. His body is broken, but he has never been happier. He loves his job and he’s with the man he loves. Why can’t Severus see that everything’s perfect the way they are? 5 years post Final Battle in muggle Lo

Complete - Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,258 - Reviews: 62 - Updated: 2-15-04 - Published: 2-15-04
31. Wishes are for Dreamers » reviews
[Complete HPxSS] AU. The Make A Wish Foundation grants wishes for terminally ill children. The day of Harry's 18th birthday, he gets a wish of a lifetime granted to meet his idol, his inspiration the musical prodigy, Severus Snape.

Complete - Harry Potter - Fiction Rated: M - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 41,865 - Reviews: 800 - Updated: 11-4-03 - Published: 7-22-03
I'd better stop now before I get fired for laughing like a crazy man. The "Chronic Fatigue" and "musical prodigy" ones really should be enshrined somewhere as pure win. I can hardly believe these were written with a straight face... Actually, there's nothing straight about these fics, huh?

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

Juggler Death Eater DLP Supporter

Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

SEG-CISR First Year

LadyKitti Second Year

Gullible Headmaster

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The "awesomely bad" fanfics thread

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v4.0

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

Juggler Death Eater DLP Supporter

Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

SEG-CISR First Year

LadyKitti Second Year

Gullible Headmaster

Militis Supreme Mugwump

LadyKitti Second Year

Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

JWH Unspeakable

JoJo23 Unspeakable

Mordac Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

JWH Unspeakable

Sophie Denarii Host

Perspicacity Destroyer of Worlds ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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Portus Heir

The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v6.0

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