The "awesomely bad" HP fanfics thread v5.0

Ichibi-No-Gaara · Apr 1, 2010

The best page ever systematically destroying My Immortal one Lulz at a Time. http://encyclopediadramatica.com/My_Immortal

Garrus · May 2, 2010

I'm sorry, this monstrosity had to be shared.

Over the holidays, Holly and Hermione continue their sexual relationship under the nose of Mr. Granger's homophobia. They experiment with the Strange Chocolate ice cream and other sexual magics until Hermione experiences an orgasm of transcendent power, causing her heart to stop. Holly is only able to revive Hermione by using the Cruciatus curse. Moments after Hermione is revived and finally confesses her love for Holly, they are arrested for use of an Unforgivable Curse.
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This is taken from the summary of the first 3 "books" (and I use books very lightly) of "Holly Evans and the Spiral Path." Oh did I mention their 13. I wish I had orgasm's of transcendent power.

Edit: It's also written entirely in the form of letters to the real Harry Potter (Yeah, I'm still trying to understand that).

Oz · May 2, 2010

Loooooooooool. That story's already been put through For Review and rejected. The author's a member here, and if there's one thing I can say about him, it's that he has pretty good taste in tits.

wordhammer · May 2, 2010

Oz said: ↑

Loooooooooool. That story's already been put through For Review and rejected. The author's a member here, and if there's one thing I can say about him, it's that he has pretty good taste in tits.
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Why thank you! I'd say it's an appreciation for the female form that fuels my deranged nightmare of a story to begin with.

[Just to be clear- Holly and Hermione were both 14 before they kissed or played with Florean Fortescue's magical version of Ecstasy-in-ice-cream]

For reference: the Reviews

Moridin · May 3, 2010

Question: Why are 'they' arrested if Holly was the one who used the Unforgivable? Or is that just a misconception of the phrasing?

Rain · May 3, 2010

Just Holly was arrested.

lol, I actually read a lot of that story..

I'm not sure, it wasn't awesomely bad - it wasn't even "bad", just not to my taste. I was bored and the story was long and well.. there. I think it the story wasn't in letter format I would've been more entertained. Even so, the later chapters amused me, not that it takes a lot.

I found a story that had a female Harry - they named her Bella. Not for any good reason, she just loooovveed twilight. Ugh. Even my boredom and sleep deprivation couldn't get me to overcome that.

Dark Minion · Jun 20, 2010

I am browsing through older parts of FF.net right now and just found this classic gem.

the revelations part 1 reviews
would ron finally tell harry and hermione his big secret? and would the two accept the fact that ron is a ...!
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 904 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2-26-06

I. There are times

"There are times when we faces challenges which we alone cannot face it….." said hermione while putting a spoonful of macaroni and chesse on her mouth.
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On her mouth? Hmmmm... I wonder if that was some kind of fashion, back in 2006.

hermione turn away her looks on ron and speak to lavander instead. And then harry came
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What?

Oh... sorry.

hermione turn away her looks on ron and speak to lavander instead. And then harry came with loads of books and seems very exhausted.

"hey guys!" he said, but no one answered him. He put the books on the long gryffindor table on the great hall and stared both hermione and ron.

Ron lokk at harry and said: "hey! Where have you been!"

"from the library!"
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Notice the distinctive grammatical structure of question and answer. For all our German reading friends there is an almost similar construction used in the Ruhr district: "Wem is dat Moped?" - "Ich"

Ok - let's head back. The story has Ron reveal something about himself. Of course he hesitates not to endanger his friendship.

"well, RONALD, as you know him very much….. have a very big problem here, and of course…. He wouldn't even bother share it to us!" explained hermione.

"well its not very big problem you know!... and if I tell it to you all, it will be a bit of a shok!" said ron.

"well, what is it?" asked harry while giving ron a very fearless stare. While hermione as always, wants to hear every single detail ron tells them.

"I think its not the right time!"

"well I think it is!" said harry.

Ron felt his insides are crumbling, he knows if he tells his problem to harry and hermione, the issue will spread throughout hogwarts.
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Ron still doesn't want to spill it, so Harry starts to blackmail him:

Harry felt impatient waiting for ron to spek it all out, so he tried to scare him!

"you want me to tell hermione what you have done last summer!" said harry with a grim on his face.

"what summer?" asked ron. "what did I do?" ron felt very confused, he did not know how to overcome all this obstacles that's happening to him….. but he realized that this is a piece of joke. This is a piece of cake, what if he tell it to harry and hermione? Besides, they are his very best friends compare to dean thomas and

seamus finnigan. So, ron decided to speak it all out.

"well…. Ok, ok….. here it goes" he said.

Harry and hermione felt the exitement moving all over their body and can't wait on every word that ron will say.

"I… I think that ….. er…. i…"

"well?" said harry impatiently.

Hermione gave ron a very frightening stare and it is the first time she've done it.

It was like the clock has stopped for the three of them. Then suddenly, at last ron spoke.
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Now we reach the first climax of this one shot...

"well, i….. i…..i…. I got to go to the bathroom!" he said and he stand to his feet and run away hermione and harry by themselves.

Of course Harry and Hermione don't take it well...

"does he have a heart of a lion, or a heart of a pig!" said hermione irritably.

" don't worry, if he's ready, I let you know. But for now, I got to get these books to the library, this is my detention you know!…. flitwick will kill me!" harry said.

Harry stand and give a deep sigh before he carries the piles of books on the table.

"Goodluck!" said hermione

"thanks."
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Oh well - apparently they don't care.
However, the story suddenly takes a turn...

Harry run thru the spiral staircases and thru the library… when he opened the front door he found out that it was deserted. He search for madame prince to give the books back but no one was there.

"why is the door unlock?" harry whisper to himself while putting the books down the librarian table. And suddenly harry heard some scrathing behind him. Fear runs fast thru harry's veins that make him paralyzed where he stands, and seconds pass when he hear something familiar…

" hello harry." Said a cold voice.
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Not to interrupt the flow of the now increasingly thrilling plot any further I'll post the rest of this fic:

Harry did not answer, instead he remains immovable.

"Its been a long time you know….."

again, harry did not answer.

"look at me!" he said angrily.

Harry nervously turn his looks for the man speaking to him. Its too hard to figure out who the man is because his half face is hidden in the dark….

"who are you!" said harry nervously. Harry felt very uncomfortable that time. Talking to a stranger he don't know. Harry noticed he is not wearing a school uniform. He is wearing a ragged clothes and it was like he's been in a very tragic accident.

"don't really remember me do you?... well, let me introduce myself again,….." he said. He walk slowly thru the light were harry can see him clearly.

Harry 's eyes popped open when he see the man, he is covered with dirt and grease, his hair is dirty and it was like he doest combed it for centuries. Harry focused on the man's face… and in a spit of a second… he recognized him, he is…
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Now who is it? Sirius Black? Voldemort? George Dubya Bush?

( to be continued.)

Oz · Jun 20, 2010

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

scaryisntit · Jun 20, 2010

More than a four year cliffhanger!

I hate when good things get canceled in their prime. Such a shame this epic wasn't finished.

@ Aziraphale. Wow. I can't even muster something sarcastic to say towards that second part. It's just... awesomely bad.

Azira · Jun 20, 2010

Now if only you'd bothered to check his author profile you would feast your eyes upon...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2828062/1/the_revelations_part_2

Dun dun dun! The epic sequel that sadly ends in an unresolved cliff hanger.

The genius of the story is I can't tell if it's meant to end up as slash or something else entirely.

Dark Minion · Jun 20, 2010

Aziraphale said: ↑

The genius of the story is I can't tell if it's meant to end up as slash or something else entirely.
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I doubt it is meant to end up in anything at all.

Memory King · Jul 11, 2010

Metallica Tales Year One by wericdream
Summary: Its not the way things happened. A American muggle born just could not attened Hogwarts. Exspeacilly one name Metallica McLeoud, a tough, rough talking, fighter girl who needs no one. New faces, old faces, Metallica's Tales have got it all...and then some

I debated putting this in the Worst Summaries thread, but naming a character after a heavy metal band is just too awful.

Fiat · Jul 11, 2010

Memory King said: ↑

Metallica Tales Year One by wericdream
Summary: Its not the way things happened. A American muggle born just could not attened Hogwarts. Exspeacilly one name Metallica McLeoud, a tough, rough talking, fighter girl who needs no one. New faces, old faces, Metallica's Tales have got it all...and then some

I debated putting this in the Worst Summaries thread, but naming a character after a heavy metal band is just too awful.
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Oh god, so much fail it's win.

Sesc · Jul 13, 2010

So here's an awesomely bad story opening, and a lesson on How Do To Everything Wrong In Writing A Relationship in 9 easy sentences:

"Harry dear, we're here" his girlfriend said breaking Harry out his thoughts

"Well then, I guess we should set up things" Harry said as he gave his girlfriend a peck on the cheek

She smiled as she set down the picnic basket and began to taking out the food items

"Have you told them yet?" she asked as soon as she laid out all of the food

"Um, no, not yet" Harry said sheepishly

"Harry James Potter" she scowled

"I'm sorry Daph, but it's kind of hard to tell your two best friends that I've had a secret girlfriend for almost a year" Harry said cowering a bit

"Fine, but you'll tell them as soon as you get to that headquarters?" Daphne Greengrass said in a commanding tone

"Yes, dear" he said meekly
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And then we have this.

Age: over 18, male
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And you stare, and stare, and stare.

Oz · Jul 13, 2010

You could as easily change Harry to Arthur and Daphne to Molly.

;_;

Amerision · Aug 9, 2010

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6161099/1/Cock_in_the_Hen_House

And while you may not find this as disturbingly bad as some of the other stuff here, I couldn't help but writhe in horrified glee when I read this anti-gem. Perhaps I've kept myself in company of well-written fics for too long...

Some excerpts:

He turns in a half circle and presents his firm bottom to Hermione. Bending over, he rips off the snap-away pants to reveal a Union Jack printed right on the backside of his briefs. He cocks his head over his shoulder and back bumps to the beat until he is right in front of her and spanks his own ass once. "Do you want to take a whack at it?" heHe asks in a deep voice.

Hermione slaps his rump firmly and then gently rubs the point of impact.
The song winds down and Harry turns to Hermione with a big grin on his face. "Is that what you had in mind, Hermione?"

Hermione looks at him as if to sayand says, 'That is a very fine Union Jack, but it needs to be a flag pole to give it respect'. With another flick of her wand at Harry's midsection, his red briefs twist and change into a gold lamé thong.

Harry's face shows a combination of both shock and discomfort as the fabric presses tightly against his genitals. "Hermione! My bum is hanging out the back of these things."

"Remember, this is my party and I want you to play along for the night. You are the one who wanted to know what goes on at these hen parties, Harry."

With another gesture of her wand ,thewand, the boom box starts up again and "Shake Ya Ass" comes on. "Now then, I want to see what you're working with, Harry," Hermione says with a smile, "and I'm going to help with this dance." She strips off her robe, and under it she is wearing a white button down shirt. Two of the top buttons are undone and she is sportingis sporting a black pleated skirt.
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He returns her look, steps into her arms and lays a soft, loving kiss on her lips as he lightly strokes her arm.

She stiffens and pushes him back. "No, Harry, that isn't what I want!"

Harry's look of confusion is epic and he thinks that he has misinterpreted what she was saying.

"I want you to make love to me like man would." She looks down and mutters to herself, "This is going to require some extreme measures." Hermione backhands Harry across the face. "Are you still the Boy Who Lived or are you the Man That Conquered? Look at this scar" She lifts her blouse, revealing a puckered purple ridge of tissue running down her abdomen. "I got this with you; I have been through Hell and back with you. Do you still think I am made of glass that can be broken at the lightest touch?"

Her voice rises to a screech. "Do you have any idea how it feels to be alone in a tent with you, scared, alone and horny? Wanting some comfort after the man who I wanted to be my boyfriend up and ditches me? Can you imagine how ugly those made me feel? And you, not even glancing over at me, like I was invisible! Plain Hermione Jane, thatJane that no one wanted or desired. You fucking owe me some passion! Now, do you want to have sex with me?"Harryme?" Harry looks down at the floor at her dressing down and says, "Yes."

Hermione steps closer to brace himlevels him square in the eyes and yells "Bullshit! Sound off like you've got a pair!"

Harry stands up straighter "Yes!"

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, I want to have sex with you!" Harry yells.

Hermione glances down and sees that Harry has wilted a little and isn't at his full glory anymore.
She steps back. "I don't believe you, and I think you are a pouf! Does Ginny wear a strap-on to bed? I should call Draco if I want to be with a real man. I bet you want to stay so you can sit in the corner hoping to suck his dick, isn't it? You're nothing but a Nancy boy! If you don't grow a pair of bullocks in the next minute, I will freeze you where you stand and make you watch. So, I want you to come at me with everything you've got!"
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Her bra-less chest bare to him, she wraps her legs around his hips and pulls him closer to her. Harry purrs in Hermione's ear, the vibrations rumbling deep. He captures a nipple and savages it with his mouth, while his other hand rolls and pinches, the pain making her eyes fly openPurring deeply in her ear, he captures one of her nipples savagely in his mouth while his other hand almost painfully rolls and pinches her other nipple.

"I want you; I want to be inside of you," Harry growls. He yanks off her skirt and tears her panties in half right off of her body. He reaches behind her and sweeps the bottles off the table and they fell crashing on the floor.
He lifts her legs with his arms and enters her roughly; she is so aroused that there is no resistance to his entry. He pounds into her while holding her legs apart. She writhes and moans at the sensations of his hardness pushing so forcefully into her. With a grunt, he cums inside of her and quickly pulls out, leaving her panting on her back, lying on the table.

"Oh no, we're not done yet. Get down on your knees in front of me," he says in a deep, hard voice. She kneels in front of him, his semi-erect penis glistening with their combined fluids inches from her face.

"Hermione, I am going to say those three magic words …' suck my cock'!" He shifts his hips and smacks her lips with his dick.
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....

:awesome

Archer · Aug 12, 2010

Harry PotterGriffin » by Dean The Cuddly Fox reviews
Lily had an affair with a dog in America just before she and James where married, Brian Griffin, and Harry isnt James son, he's Brians.

Oz · Aug 12, 2010

Garden · Aug 12, 2010

Lol what. My knowledge of hebrew is good for something outside of Israel. Yeah!

On topic.-A lulzy smut(attempted smut) fic that basically is Ginny blackmailing Harry for sex(at age 12/13).
http://hp.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600017360

Alindrome · Aug 12, 2010

Couldn't you just have solved it with your knowledge of giant biting pears from Salamanca?

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