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Abandoned The Cheiftain by solunvar - M

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by The-Hyphenated-One, Feb 6, 2007.

  1. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Title: The Chieftain
    Author: solunvar
    Rating: R
    Genre: Action/Adventure,erotica
    DLP Category: Independent
    Pairing: Harry/Daphne Greengrass or Tracy Davis I think
    Status: WIP
    Summary: After hearing the prophecy, Harry realizes he has three options: join Voldemort, be Dumbledore's pet or be himself, an individual. It all begins with a package of letters, an invitation of King Ragnok and a conversation with two Slytherin masterminds.

    Link: http://www.ficwad.com/viewstory.php?sid=45971

    A new independent Harry story that shows some promise so far. It only has one chapter, but it's looks like a story to keep an eye on.
     
  2. Dark Lord Rostam

    Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

    Joined:
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    Location:
    In that thing you call a closet. Better watch out,
    Couldn't get past the first few paragraphs, around when he got the letter. It seems pretty cliche, and his writing style bugs me. Ron's obviously jealous voice, Harry going crazy. Even the way they talked about Voldemort, Dumbledore. His 'paths' and how he has these three choices. Everything seemed cliche and bugged me during my reading.

    It might get better, but I couldn't get past it.

    2.5/5

    At least he had good grammar and spelling.
     
  3. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Interesting. But the relationship is moving forward so fast it's ridiculous.

    And that's really not cunning of them at all, the way they instigated the 'lets get hitched' talk, a bit irritating. You'd think someone who grew up in the Muggle world, and was introduced to a fantastical one, and someone who's in the limelight all the time would go for love over convenience.

    4/5 for now, but I'm not going to put that as my vote until this gets up to the 5th chapter or so.
     
  4. haroon_angel

    haroon_angel Fourth Year

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    Very nice first chapter lets see how it progress
     
  5. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Just another down-the-mill Indy!Harry fic. The grammar and such is OK I guess, but much more important stuff is missing.

    For instance, why would super manipulative Dumbledore allow Goblins to contact Harry? And then, there's that whole ridiculous discussion with those two Slyth chicks.

    I mean, look at this dialogue:

    Can you imagine anyone actually saying this shit? In half an hour these two go from nobodies in a hostile house to Harry's chief confidants. This story would be much better if Tracy and Daphne turned out spies and sold Harry's secrets to the Dark Lord - that way this stupidity would have at least served a purpose.

    Not to mention the announced super-Goblins/remembered-Griphook cliche.

    Anyway, not good enough for the library IMO (considering the required 4 stars). Still, this is just the first chapter; trash bin would be a good place to keep an eye on this one, in case the author gets his shit straight.

    3/5
     
  6. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    Heidelberg
    second chapter is up and while i accept the relationship between the characters develop fastly, the story is "readable" and could be placed in the library after a few more chapters. 3.5/5
     
  7. huntedorange

    huntedorange Seventh Year

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    Its pretty much taking a cliche idea for me and twisting it slightly but for some reason i really quite like this. Yes they develop a relationship too fast, and yes there is alot of cliche and crap bits but overall i couldn't help but like it. 4/5
     
  8. Rain

    Rain Pirate Navigator of the 7 Seas

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    Adirondack Park, NY
    Eh, it might have been good a few years ago, but now.. meh, it's really just a fic to fill time with. Rushed ideas that aren't fully explained, unrealistic circumstances.. there is a lot that could be worked on.

    I give it a 3/5.
     
  9. the-caitiff

    the-caitiff Death Eater

    Joined:
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    West Central Florida USA
    Not much to say on this one. I'm reading it, but then again I read alot of stories that are absolute crap. It's cliched, broken english, and has predictable plotlines, a thoroughly average 2.5/5.
     
  10. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    My Daphne sense started tingling randomly. o_O I normally don't look at For Review much, IT WAS FATE!



     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2007
  11. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    The fabled Daphne sense, few have witnessed it's POWER! muhahahahaha
     
  12. mcatrage

    mcatrage Raptured to Hell

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    Wow so I guess its normal to just tell all your secrets to people you barely know.

    2/5 Cliches don't bother me, but this was just way to unrealistic.

    EDIT: Read the 2nd chapter so now 1/5
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2007
  13. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Ya the second chapter was absolutely horrible. The first chapter showed some promise although the relationships just came out of nowhere and started way too fast, kinda like the author was desperate or something. I was hoping the cliche's would be used differently but oh well, another story down the drain.
     
  14. Crazy1

    Crazy1 Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2006
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    Location:
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    Why must authors always have Draco refer to Harry as 'Pothead'? Does he look permanently stoned or something?

    -50/5
     
  15. KenderCleric

    KenderCleric Lord of Plot Bunnies

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    This actually hurt to read.

    1/5