It wasn't on the spur of the moment...it was quite clearly implied that it was a premeditated decision. Tonks gave the letters to Cho, and only once Cho nodded did she obliviate herself.

 

Ah, sorry 'bout that. Bad kind of wording.

Its just that throughout the chapter and previous chapter, I could find no evidence of Tonks even just planning something like that. All the previous scenes were of a practically perfect relationship. As due to the fact that she and CHo had been talking of their bond with Harry; I'm assuming that the obliviation has to do with her memories with Harry. Add to this quote;

It just seems as if she's giving up over night.


And now I feel trepidition at the scene where she talks about Lupin hitting on her and him saying that they were meant for each other may be foreshadowing. >_<

 

Personally, I just felt the angsty sorta vibe just came out of nowhere, and that's why I didn't like the previous chapter as much as the others, and why I'm looking forward to the next chapter of Incubus more.

 

Ah kay, I'm probably more than a little defensive than I should be over this chapter, since this is one chapter thats practically engraved into my mind, due to how many times Yarrgh asked me to read the blasted thing

Seriously, I don't think it came out of nowhere at all, as the scene with Tonks and Harry after the Chimera fight is complete and utter foreshadowing for her decision;

I know you've already quoted the last line of that, but I think you may have interpreted it wrongly.

She has made a decision, a huge decision, and is now telling herself that she needs to have the faith that things work out. It isn't that she is saying that she needs to have faith in things, and then goes randomly to see Cho.
Also, I certainly wouldn't call Harrys and Tonks relationship practically perfect. I mean, seriously, she just seduced him, screwed him senselessly, knowing all the while that he was engaged to another woman. I dunno, not what I'd call a perfect relationship.

I too agree that this last scene of Obliviation came a little out of the blue, but IMO, there is enough foreshadowing, even if it wasn't 'slap-me-silly' obvious. In all seriousness, this scene is highly important in the grand scheme of things, that is, of course, if Yarrgh hasn't changed what he was planning. It'll likely all become clear in the next chapter.

By the way, take what I say with a grain of salt - its likely that I saw things differently than the way they were supposed to be - Yarrgh is the author, I only know a little more than you lot Looking forward to the next chapter, of both this and Fury.

 

Aye, Element is right. It will become clear with the next chapter, so hold your horses, young ones.

Element: Nothing has changed, it will be the same way I told you it'd turn out.

 

I love the story personally. In the beginning I was a bit 'Iffy', but it really started to flow for me as it progressed.

I'm really trying to wrack my brain on how to give a good critique but I just love the story as is. I think Cho's personality is a nice break away from the norm 'Wide, misty eyed' doe she was in canon.

I particularly like Tonks' characterization. The fanon staple tends to make her the more experienced partner in Harry/Tonks stories, and while I don't entirely mind that, it gets tiresome reading about all the previous boyfriends/sexual adventures she's had before Harry. Too many times it flows into Tonks being heartbroken from said relationships that she's reluctant to jump in with Harry.

In Chimera it's nice to see that one of the biggest reasons for her reluctance is because she herself is not that well experienced.

So far the plot is excellent and I can't wait to read more. But beyond everything else there's only one thing I care about at the moment...

WHEN DO TONKS AND CHO BUMP UGLIES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Keep it up Garr-Yarr! ^_^

 

are cho and tonks going to bump uglies? seems like one will take the submissive position...

 

Really good ive read most of it and its great. Some is a little much but other parts are just right.

 

I prefer Tonks taking the submissive position. For some reason, Cho seems to appeal to me in this story a great deal more than other stories. I would usually pick Tonks, but she just does not match up to Cho in this story. Great story.

 

Honestly, I can't say a thing about dominant/submissive until I actually write it. It just flows as I think, and I have no specific plan for the chapter, just a very, very, very vague mental outline for the story. So basically, at least 85% of the story happens on the spot, and the rest was planned for from earlier on.

Some good news, I think, and I hope some of you will see it the same way. I started writing the chapter this morning, and before I knew what I was doing, I had some 2500 words done. I'm going to work off and on with both Incubus and Chimera, but I'm promising you that there will be an update for each by Christmas.

That's a promise.

 

eeek only christmas?
call me a junkie but i've been waiting on updates for those two stories since you last posted and i'm itching to find out what exactly those letters meant.

It is truly evil to write such a good cliffhanger and then wait for so long

 

Damn straight, now chimera when will we start seeing signs of the coniving sour puss(dumbdork) and his mechinations?

 

so hows that update coming along?
Any teaser or something like that for us? i'm getting desperate here !!!

 

Hm...Update, huh? Still languishing on 2500 words, though I'll stay true to my promise and have a chapter up by Christmas, New Year's at the latest.

I don't do teasers, I'd rather have the full impact of the chapter on the reader. And there are many helpful people who critique it in advance, so I can be sure that I'm not posting a hunk of trash

 

I honestly forgot all about this story. So, being me I checked to catch up on all the posts that I forgot and figured it would take a while to catch up. On the bright side it will give me enough time to reread and then catch the update relatively soon.

 

good solid fic even if it's in harrys head a bit too much for my liking.

good solid start hope to see more as and when it comes

 

Awsome fiction that is in need of an update,

I usually don't read ones were he hides his strength i declare this on my "i like this fiction list" from this day forth

 

Since I've recieved a few PMs on DLP as well as a bunch of messages on FicWad and FFNet about when the update will come, I decided to address it now.

As of now, I'm at 4800 words. I thought the chapter would be around 10K, but it looks like even 15K won't cut it. As you can tell from reading my fics, I like description a lot.

My time restraints are still in place...this coming semester will be even harder than the last, and there are people in my personal life who I devote a lot of time to, so that leaves me with little time to write.

Usually, I can't write unless I have a good 3 hour stretch, in which I lay down a good 5000 words or so, perhaps more. But in recognition of the fact that people want to see Chimera updated, and that I myself want to write this chapter quite badly, I'm going to do my best to squeeze in 45 minutes to an hour each day and slowly try and finish it off.

As of two weeks ago, I had almost abandoned the fic. I knew what I wanted to do, and what I needed to write, but each time I sat down, the words wouldn't come. Then, Taure and I created #TheStudy, and Thalarian and Cervus were good enough to work through the problems in the chapter with me. Hats off to them, their help has practically ensured that Chimera will continue to be a WIP.

Hopefully, I'll be able to post the new chapter of Chimera by the end of January. I had promised an update by Christmas, but I could only get Incubus out there, Chimera was bugging me. The end of January, considering that I now know where to take this chapter, is a more probable date. At the least, I should be able to finish the chapter itself by then, and release the beta'd, proofread version by the 10th of February or so.

Thanks a lot for your patience, and I'm flattered by the amount of attention this fic has gained.

 

It so happens that 1)I didn’t want to read spoilers, and 2)I am known to be lazy in my own odd way and I’d rather write a review longer than necessary, than read through the ten pages of the thread; thus I will probably say things that you have already been told. I’m not speaking of the compliments and positive reviewing—there’s nothing wrong about a good, strong and healthy dose of shameless flattering once in a while, even if it gets redundant—but I will probably annoy you by nitpicking over small things you don’t need to hear about. I apologise in advance, and I promise I’ll make it up to you by some nice ego-stroking paragraphs thrown somewhere in the middle.

Now, the review… I’ll make it a boring form/content review, I’m afraid, but since I’m about to spit out a novel (for a change) I need to make it as clear as possible… If not for you, at least for me.

Okay, end of the overly long disclaimer and onto the review.

Form:

I spotted a few grammar/spelling mistakes (typos excluded), but since there are—what—a dozen of them in 71k words, they’re barely worth mentioning. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading your style of writing as I rarely do. Since I don’t usually read this kind of story, the only fact that I swallowed aforementioned 71k words without a protest is, as far as I’m concerned, enough of an evidence of your skill as a writer. You certainly do have a way with words.

However, even if you incontestably write very well, there are small things—tiny things, sometimes—that are complete and utter mood-killers.

One of them is the redundancies. I almost developed an allergy to the word ‘sadly’ (which, admittedly, I didn’t like that much to begin with), by dint of reading it everywhere when Tonks was in the vicinity. Other example: in chapter one, you say, “He had no clue just how powerful this gift was,” then, two sentences further, “no one but us full Metamorphmagi know just how powerful this gift can be.”

Also, some words or expressions that are a little unusual, at least to my very humble and extremely French eyes, strike me as redundant when you use them twice in a few lines or paragraphs. For instance, in chapter 3:

“[…]she had just had her ideals smashed. While she wanted to believe that Dumbledore was a good person, what Harry was saying was undeniable in its truth.”

Then, a paragraph below:

“A lot of her preconceptions had been shattered today, but she knew that what Harry was saying was undeniable in its truth.”

In the next chapter, the same thing happens with the word “cultured,” which, come to think of it, sounded a little weird in that context (a ‘cultured’ face and voice?).

Reading those made me think that you may have wanted to reread your chapters one more time to get rid of the redundancies; really, they break the pace of the writing like wrong notes in a tune.

Another weakness in your style, is your dialogue.

To be brutally honest, the dialogues were most of the time (but especially in the early chapters) a little artificial and quite clumsily structured. For instance, in chapter 3, Harry’s telling about Dumbledore’s life and schemes… Huge blocks of words, broken here and there by one or two lines indicating that Tonks is listening. The lack of context in this particular passage induced a lack of realism in the dialogue; inserting more interpolated clauses or sentences indicating the context, even if it’s only to describe Harry leaning back in his chair and staring at a fly walking on the surface of the table as he speaks, or Tonks absentmindedly chewing on her lip or twirling a strand of hair between her fingers, or the restaurant getting more crowded and the weird contrast between the customers’ agitation and the complete lack of noise due to the silencing ward—even if you’re only breaking Harry’s speech with seemingly insignificant bits of description (and God knows you don’t need my advice as far as description is concerned), it makes the dialogue flow more naturally, and enables the reader to visualize the scene.

At some points, the lack of context in the dialogue was almost painful; especially in that chapter 3. Harry’s revelations were big enough to cause Tonks to react (more than she does according to your too rare bits of description in that scene, I mean), and her reactions should have, in turn, provoked a response in Harry—whether it is a grin, a glance, a raising of eyebrows or whatever. There aren’t enough of those, and the very few bits of description that are there just stand out, solitary and literally drowned in the mass of dialogue, and emphasizing even more the lack of settings for the scene.

As someone—a French author, I think; they suck at writing fanfiction but they’re good at finding rules like that, go figure—said: when characters are talking, they are living beings who aren’t isolated in a closed room whose walls are painted in white…

The dialogue Harry/Snape, at the beginning of chapter four, has another kind of problem: the repeated use of the other’s name (‘Snivellus’ and ‘Potter’ coming up constantly in every single line Harry or Snape utters) and the content of the sentences made the dialogue sound… kind of theatrical. Actually I was reminded of Homer’s Iliad, when the Greek and Trojan fighters exchange, almost ritually, a bunch of insults before planting their spears into the other’s body. Shorter and less elaborated lines, and perhaps fewer of them constructed on the ‘you are just/only a…’ pattern (also, maybe avoid the stream of haughty insults), might help with this particular aspect of your dialogues.

And last… Please, please avoid, as much as possible, having your characters call each other’s names when they’re talking. It doesn’t happen half as often in real life, though it’s a recurring mistake in fanfiction. I noticed the same problem in chapter 5, in the Harry/Various Goblins conversation. Harry kept saying ‘Goblin’, something that added a pompous and—again—theatrical note to his speech, which was really unneeded.

I think that’s all for the form… I have some things to say about your descriptions, but I’ll save them for the end of the review.

Content:

Overall… You’ve done a great job. The atmosphere and settings borrow a lot of elements from JKR’s work, of course, but you were able to make them fit into a slightly darker and somehow more adult world, with different codes, arts and sciences that I have trouble imagining in JKR’s own universe. Your sliding from her world to yours is perfectly smooth; I hardly noticed it before I was fully enthralled by the story, the ‘canon world’ already forgotten.

Your interpretation of the canon events, as well as your exploitation of the plot holes, is extremely clever. I’m also marvelling at your creativity, as far as laws, spells, magical theory and magical artefacts are concerned; each of your inventions is solidly backed up by very coherent explanations and theories, and that’s something I’m most admiring of. I especially remember the part about Salazar Slytherin enchanting his own portrait with his blood—finally, a decent explanation for a portrait’s surprising powers and abilities to mimic the exact behaviour of his dead owner. Again, wonderful job.

Now, the characterisation.

I’ve got mixed feelings, to be honest. Some characters are masterfully shaped, others are… well, not so much of a success.

First, let me tell you that your conception of feminine psychology is sometimes so naïve that it’s touching *wipes a tear*.

And I’m only half-joking.

There are, of course, Tonks’ multiple fainting fits. Good God, Yarrgh, there is only one way girls can faint like that—I mean, without life-threatening occurrence, terrible frights, severe hypoglycaemia or drastic loss of blood inducing a brutal drop of the blood pressure—and it’s if they’re faking it. And as a former regular fainter, I should know about that (hypoglycaemia sucks). If Tonks had big problems with her glycaemia or blood pressure, I doubt she would have been accepted in the Auror training programme… Honestly, it sounded absurd, again like a wrong note. Almost a—will I dare say it?— Brazilianpimp-like note.

*flees*

…Anyway. Tonks fainting then showing right afterwards an almost scientific interest in what Harry tells her, without much of a transition, was a little weird as well. The whole dialogue following was weird, as a matter of fact. Why was Harry so comfortable with her? You mentioned that fact and gave one or two reasons for it (one of them being that Tonks looked positively ‘angelic’) but I wasn’t entirely convinced. Maybe you should have described his reactions and feelings a little more through the talking, showing him torn between his instinctive faith in her and his usual wariness, then relaxing as the conversation goes on… Since Tonks is older, and technically more of the generation above his, as she finished Hogwarts and already has a prestigious job, it was a bit surprising to see him so much at ease with her.

Also about Tonks: her bursting into tears the following morning was—unexpected. Her reaction didn’t convince me; she would have been embarrassed, yes. To the point of turning scarlet and having tears in her eyes, probably. But crying hysterically?... Again, I’m getting the impression you have little faith in the females’ nerves . On the other hand, I have to admit it helped making small but noticeable progress in the Harry/Tonks relationship, which was nicely developed through the story.

Speaking of the females’ nerves… There is something I absolutely need to say, though it’s not really important: there was one thing, in that whole story, that caused me to have one of those very few, precious and mind-numbing “WTF?” moments. It was Tonks’ diary.

Was that diary important? If so, maybe you should have expanded a little on it. Having her stare thoughtfully at it, thinking of various things, before opening it and starting to write, hesitating to find the right words, feeling the weight on her chest lift as words pour down on the paper etc. If it wasn’t important… It probably would have been better to just get rid of the diary passage. As things are, Tonks sounds like some emotional schoolgirl writing insignificant things in a diary she hides under her mattress. This quick mention to a diary seems like a hasty line added in order to shape a little Tonks’ character, without being too successful, I’m afraid. I’m not sure why this particular line irked me so much, and I’m sure I’m not explaining it properly; but the fact remains it did irk me.

On the whole, Tonks is a difficult character to define. Sometimes juvenile to the point of being childish, sometimes a toughened Auror, with angry fits against Dumbledore at times but a rather composed behaviour at other times. I didn’t quite succeed in figuring her out.

One last thing about your ‘insight’ into feminine psychology: your depiction of Cho’s state of mind at the thought of being engaged is excellent. Childish, jubilant, nearly laughing out loud with happiness… I can tell from experience that it’s exactly the way most brides-to-be behave.

Harry’s characterisation:

Well… Mixed feelings with that one too. You did quite well with him, but there were those slightly incoherent moments, like, for example, the first dialogue with Tonks that I already commented on earlier. Also, his sudden fits of anger are…just that, a little too sudden; there’s no transition with his previous relaxed state—such as surprise, interest suddenly aroused, growing annoyance, or even shock—and it often makes them appear a tad artificial. He sometimes gives the impression he’s overreacting; I know that more than once, I felt the need to tell him to loosen his tie and calm down a little. His conversation with Snape made him sound like an arrogant berk who just begged to be slapped across the face.

On the other hand, there are lots of things I loved with his characterisation. His tense state and his fear when he’s impersonating a Dark Wizard, the way he screws up things sometimes (with Grindelwald), his still believing in love—a surprising touch of humanity in a boy otherwise embittered and much too mature for his age. Or, here and there, a detail added that humanises further his character by ridiculing him a bit (“He finally got dressed, having to perform a curious dance to get his boxers on while still wearing the bathrobe.”).

The only reprehensible thing in the scene in Grindelwald’s shop was his reaction to his first killing. I agree, he was supposed to react coldly. But… grief? This wasn’t the emotion I would expect him to show. I rather expected a feeling of unease, a slight disgust at himself, something like that… It would have added a touch of realism to the character.

Snape’s characterisation:

It was undeniably refreshing and oddly satisfying to see him painted as a mediocre wizard. But his dialogue with Harry was probably the part I liked less in the whole story: while Harry sounded like a tête à claques (there are no other words), Snape just sounded plain ridiculous. And it bothered me a little; I can see him spiteful and petty, but I don’t see him making such a fool of himself. And his ill prepared and hastily executed Imperio attack was just—another wrong note. More subtlety was needed, knowing the character.

Dumbledore’s characterisation:

While I don’t really like reading about a manipulative Dumbledore… I have really nothing to say about his characterisation. It was brilliant. You’ve shaped a complex character, neither good not completely bad, with an understandable point of view and a skill that induces admiration from his very enemies. Bravo.

Voldemort’s characterisation:

That one was great, too. The description of that man, eaten away by the Dark magic as if by a leprosy, his dual personality and the constant struggle between the two sides of his character, and his slow degeneration causing him to have fits of madness—that was masterfully done.

Bellatrix’s characterisation:

You treated the sadistic-and-insane-bitch cliché in a very refreshing way; I liked a lot reading about that woman and her growing obsession for Harry… I can’t wait to read more about her.

Grindelwald’s characterisation:

A character that you entirely created and, again, wonderfully depicted. That old man, nearly accepting his condition as non-magical but experiencing sometimes the old wizard pride… He was a great character. His meeting with Harry is an excellent scene, one I positively loved reading.

Now, your fight scenes.

They are… very good. Excellent, as a matter of fact. There isn’t much dedicated to the characters’ feelings throughout the fights but it doesn’t really matter, as the action is most of the time both quick and extremely fluid, rarely giving the reader the time to breathe. The fight with Griphook and the one against the centaurs—I thought that the passage when the action seems to slow down just to speed up again afterwards was bloody fantastic—were both captivating. Your exceptional skill at describing made them wonderfully flowing and alive.
_______________________

I’ve used most of the notes I took while reading—only a few of them left, that I’ll have to toss here higgledy-piggledy.

Chapter one: I found the scene with Cho a tad long. Not the smut, it didn’t bother me, but the whole passage afterwards after he realises he loves her, he has to go but she holds him back, they kiss and hug for a while etc. I honestly got bored after a while. I also thought that him discovering he loves her, right after spending half a page explaining how she loved him but the feeling wasn’t mutual, was surprising to say the least.

Chapter 3 (I think): the ‘prophecy-prevented-Voldemort-to-kill-me’ bit bothered me a little; but that’s for personal reasons. It sounds like men can’t escape their destinies, that a superior being (“Magic”) decides who has to do what and there’s nothing one can do about it, and I just happen to strongly disagree with this way of thinking.

Chapter 4: Dumbledore in his secret room; all great, only one teeny tiny thing at the end: when the Harry-pawn walks to the Dumbledore one and takes his insignia, the extraordinary and shocking nature of the event could have been better conveyed. As it is, it was a little too neutral, as if it was an everyday occurrence… Describing a little of Dumbledore’s shock, or writing shorter and more to-the-point sentences maybe, might have helped.

Chapter 5: During the conversation between Tonks (morphed into Harry) and Dumbledore, I thought ‘Harry’ acted way too much the doleful cretin; I was taken aback by the fact that Dumbledore was actually fooled. Maybe a little subtler act…?

Chapter 7: the way Cho goes from bliss to desolation, without any surprise, shock, anger or just plain jealousy in between (or if they were, they were extremely fleeting), sounded quite unrealistic. Kind of made me want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming in her ears, “Come on, woman, stop with the soppiness!”.
_______________________

Right.

Now that I’ve mercilessly dropped on your head tons of criticism, it’s time for the shameless flattering, isn’t it?

It so happens that I have three un-crossed notes left; they are:

Descr.++
Converted.
Hurry the hell up and update.

…I think I’ll have to be more explicit.

First, your descriptions.

They are truly incredible, to me anyway. I savoured every single word of them, marvelling at how each word seemed to fit perfectly where you had put it. There is a kind of musicality about your descriptions that gives a unique atmosphere to the story. The first two paragraphs of chapter 1, for instance, are sophisticated enough to convey an impression of cold and almost crystalline perfection—as opposed to the descriptions of a few authors I have in mind, which come up as spontaneous and full of sentiment; different effect, entirely different atmosphere. But they are not overcomplicated and over-refined, unlike—again—those of another author (a French one, this time), whose descriptions end up feeling awkward, artificial and deprived of all life. A fine balance, then, between the two extremes; the sentences are impeccably chiselled without being overly polished. (Redundancies aside.)

I use the term ‘descriptions’ extremely loosely, and the defenders of English grammar would probably have my head for it, for I refer to almost anything that’s not dialogue or interpolated clauses: the depiction of surroundings, the detailed fight scenes, but also those long paragraphs exclusively dedicated to a character’s thoughts and attitude—Dumbledore and Voldemort being great examples of it. Reading those passages were moments of bliss.

Now, about the second note:

I’ll be frank, I don’t like this kind of stories. I don’t like Slytherin Harry or pure-blooded Harry. I don’t really like a Harry who is physically completely different from the canon one. I don’t like reading about manipulative Dumbledore either. So you see, I was very, very ill-disposed towards Chimera from the beginning; if the writing hadn’t been of such quality, or if I had let the aforementioned mood-killers get to me (or if you hadn’t been constantly bugging me so I’d finish the story ), it’s likely I would have dropped it after the first or second chapter.

I read chapter 1 and, upon recognising a genre I don’t particularly liked, only reluctantly passed on to the next chapter. I had to make some effort to read through chapters 2 and 3 (mostly because Tonks’ characterisation and the dialogues weren’t quite to my liking), and as for the plot, I was probably wearing a politely interested expression, even though I was, as said before, impressed at your alternative interpretation of the events in the HP books. Chapter 4 started off not too well with the Harry/Snape quarrel—though at the same time, the lines describing Snape were quite good—but then the story really took off. I was gradually sucked into the plot, and by the time I reached the Goblin fight I was on the edge of my chair. This story has a strange ability to captivate the reader and keep them reading until the very last word—even the more reluctant ones (*points at self*).

So yes, I think ‘converted’ is an appropriate word. At first, I kept reading because it was nice to see some quality writing, rather than out of interest for the plot. Then I kept reading because I wanted to know what would happen next.

Hence my third note, on which I don’t think I need to elaborate.

Please update soon.

--Tinn

PS: Oh yes, forgot about that… Rating: 4/5.

PPS: This review beats in length the one I wrote for the second chapter of Queens. I didn’t think that day would ever come.

PPPS: I told you it was dangerous to ask a sincere review from me... *looks at the frightfully long post above and sighs*

 

I'm sorry, but after reading Tinn's frightfully long post, and then reading this right under it, it made me laugh. Just pointing that out.

And props to Tinn for once again making a review of awesomeness.