Title: The Coup
Author: Pensieve Plotter
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Drama/Horror
DLP Category: Undetermined
Pairing: Multiples. Voldemort/Narcissa, Bellatrix/Voldemort, Bellatrix/Lucius is main pairings. There is slash but it is not heavy and not detailed. I repeat, limited slash...Can you biased brats understand that?
Status: Complete
Summary:

Set to show the coup at the Ministry of Magic during Deathly Hallows. After the government falls, a wild celebration of the coup is held at Malfoy Manor, in which Death Eaters commemorate the start of Lord Voldemort's reign surrounded by extravagent wealth and prosperity whilst others suffer. The Malfoy's reputation is suffering, and Bellatrix is dangerously envious of Narcissa. The Dark Lord engages his army within the realm of Wizarding high politics.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3773176/1/The_Coup

I'd love to hear if you've read or if you're going to read or anything. Constructive criticism is also welcome.

 

That doesn't inspire much confidence in your story. I considering leaving this post:

But that would be excessively rude - especially in responding to a new user.

I'll be honest here: The story is unprofessional.

It has poem inserts, excerpts of other stories, poorly distributed description, no atmosphere, no character development, nor any sort of recognizable aim other than what I quoted from you above.

A good story has paragraphs. As demeaning as that sounds, it's what you need to hear. Your story essentially consists of one-liners that fail to weave any sort of recognizable feeling. It also lacks proper editing to make it 'look' readable.

Entirely too melodramatic. Do you think Lord Voldemort actually speaks like that? The description of the setting is over the top and had me rolling my eyes. He isn't your archetypal dramatic overlord who laughs into the sky with thunder flashing over his head.

Your characters have to evolve past your generic stereotypical people.

Same as above. They're not the SS. Lord Voldemort does demean his followers a fair bit, but they're not frightened, rigid soldiers deathly afraid of insulting their master. Nor are they slaves.

The pairings are random, their relationships without depth or thought. You fail to answer the most basic answer a reader asks while reading your story: So what?

If you're serious about polishing this, take it to Work By Author at the bottom of the forum and rewrite it. Some people will just flame you and bitch you out, but there's bound to be someone who's willing to clean it up and help you improve your writing.

As is stands though - 1/5

 

Given the grammatical failure that jumps out at me as early as the Pairing line, I'm going to have to decline to read this.

Further, you wrote and posted a story that you flat out declared to contain Slash in a forum that is quite... rabidly opposed to it. I'm quite disinclined to actually click your link, much less actually read it.

I suggest that you retreat now, before you get flamed too badly, and hide around the forums for a while without attracting attention.

tl;dr

Tits or GTFO

 

Hey, that's not very nice of you.

 

We aren't nice people.

See the sig.

 

Well, I wasn't expecting a tea party! But still, just being a little more understanding would be nice. I'm new here.

 

We expect a few things of all new members.

1. That they demonstrate at least average intelligence, with above average being highly preferred.

2. That they browsed around the forums and read a few threads before they opened their fool mouths.

3. That they read the stickies and at least gave lip service to the rules detailed therein.

You have failed all three.

Your only chance of redemption now lies in your mammary glands.

 

I'll have to disagree with you. First of all, there is nothing wrong with having poem excerpts. They are in published novels sometimes.

I do agree that spelling and grammar isn't perfect. I also agree it needs more editing and that the presentation is poor. I will fix that soon.

I frankly don't care if you think it has no character development or atmosphere. I'm letting you know this story was selected for the Harry Potter conference Terminus last year! Plus, some of my reviewers think it's one of the greatest representations of Voldemort seen in fanfiction.

The description is supposed to be a bit over the top. I have created a story with many strange details and it is part of what makes it different.

 

Wait, wait, wait. First of all, what is this 'Terminus', and why should we care about it?

Secondly, I've given up on being polite. You're a fucking idiot. You come in here, post a story you know is going to be received poorly, asking for feedback and readership. Then, when you get the feedback you asked for, and it's negative, you say "I'll have to disagree" and "I don't care if you think". What the fuck is wrong with you, you hypocritical bitch?

Not even tits can save you now.

 

Terminus was a Harry Potter conference held in Chicago in August 2008! Assuming you are all Harry Potter fans, would be the reason you would care about it!

I did not know this story would be poorly received. I thought that since NC-17 fics are posted here, it would be okay!

I admit I was wrong to say I didn't care for the criticism. It was fair. However I would have taken it better if I wasn't met by such mean, acrimonious members like this site has!

 

Unless I'm mistaken (which I'm not), slash is welcome in this forum as long as it's well written. We have no policies against slash in principle. We merely tend to grade them harsher because of it. Slash fics have made it into the library.

There is if you don't integrate them properly. I couldn't understand why it belonged where it did and what it had to do with your story. It's also just thrown in without proper formatting. Some authors (myself one of them) often write vignettes or quotes before we write the actual chapters and post them right at the top to set a general mood or get the reader thinking.

A story with the title 'Everlasting', for example, would benefit from a quote as such:

Everlasting

::

"Narcissus does not fall in love with his reflection because it is beautiful, but because it is his. If it were his beauty that enthralled him, he would be set free in a few years by its fading." ~ W.H. Auden

::

The quote here serves as an excellent prelude to a chapter about a character that is blinding by his love for himself.

You just threw the poem there with little apparent thought. Poems in general work poorly in this regard as they are often more difficult to relate and require far more thought to internalize. If you're really into doing things like this, consider a quote.

And yet it's posted here for us to review, in the For Review section. If you don't care, then it wouldn't be posted here. It's criticism - you asked for it.

That's great. They must have low standards. Near novel quality stories appeal to us. The bar is higher here.

A quick note: The phrase goes "I'll have you know..."

Fanfiction.net is largely populated by idiots. I've seen stories with 17k words get 380 reviews for no apparent reason. We set up this forum to collect and preserve well written stories so people wouldn't have to suffer through the tides of crappy stories written by ecstatic fangirls.

Supposed to be over the top? The only time something works in that manner is when you're trying to be humorous.

Being over the top is almost always bad because it means the story lacks realism. A lack of realism in a story that's supposed to be somewhat serious makes it difficult for readers to engage in suspension of disbelief.

Finally, being different isn't always good. Your story isn't that original either.

Some members have been over the line, but this forum isn't a feel-good place to fish for meaningless praise and niceities. We're fairly rough, mean, and rude. Grow a thick skin and enjoy what this site has to offer.
​

 

We are HP fans... but we dont care thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat much to go and attend a convention.

Seriously though, I couldnt barely get past your first... "paragraph"

I wouldn't have so much of a problem if it was formatted a little. Also: Why would I need to know its an "INTRODUCTORY POEM EXCERPTS." If its in Italics and centered, I would have got it that it was not actually the beginning of the story but something to introduce the mood or theme of the chapter/story.

Another thing: We don't exactly have much of a high opinion about Ff.net's reviews. You'd find a shitty slash fic that is riddled with grammar and spelling errors and its review count is in the thousands and somehow its got past the teen chapters. The worst are the ones that arent and only contain a couple thousand words.

You'll have to understand that you cant use Ff.net reviews as a counter point.

Frankly why are you trying to justify your portrayal of Voldemort at all? Its not like you asked to have this reviewed and critiqued to see if it would fit in here.


Oh wait...

I will, however, say that your grammar and spelling is good. Not like it was written by a 5 year old with access to a thesaurus and a word processor.

Beyond that I cannot say anything more. Lost interest at the end of chapter 1.


0/5

I dont see a place for this here.

 

.... Lady, If you think we are mean I lol at you, I for instance am the dim witted side kick, Glernaj is the slightly learned side kick and, Well Amer fucks sheep.


That said, I peeked at your story, and I was not impressed not one bit. I give it a 1.5/5 do to the fact that it didn't entirely rape my eyes.

 

Says who? This bitch certainly isn't talking!



(Ain't she pretty?)

Thread derailment, but I had to defend my honor.

 

Well, I tried to read it.

What became immediately apparent is that you are the stereotypical slash writer - melodrama, adjective overload, and the whole story seemed to be a procession of stupid moments. Voldemort intimidating his Death Eaters - wonder why such cowards ever took the Mark in the first place, then a truly What-the-fuck moment with him deciding to bed Narcissa.

I have no confidence whatsoever that you did any justice to the politics that you mentioned in the summary.

:awesome

If this is your masterpiece, then no fucking force of nature can possibly make me click on your other stories.

1/5

As for you believing your Voldemort is the greatest portrayal ever to be committed to paper on account of your reviewers, think of the hundreds of other writers like yourself who have gotten reviews with the same blind praise.

Think on that.

 

I can't even read though the 1st line of the story and I have a lower standard compared to most of the folks here at DLP.

Somebody introduce him to the DLP Potter's Law.

You, sir, failed. Now GTFO of here. You and your kindred is not welcomed here.

Edit: We need to have negative score people! This shit aren't worth a 1 star!

 

Please work more on "Across the Quidditch Pitch" it's the only MWPP era fic that doesn't make me cringe and you've got a pretty good Snape characterisation.
This on the other hand... a don't like.

 

This thing was horribile, I couldn't even get through the 1st chapter without having to throw something at the wall.

a) Terminus? Come on we all know thats just a place for a bunch of idiotic fluff humpers to come together and rejoice of the worst bullshit they've managed to spawn on the web.

b) Voldemort's character was completly over the top and the realization that he wants Narcissa made no sense. Seeing how she would now have lost some of her figure given birth to Draco and he would have meet her years ago while she was at the peek of her 'beauty'.

c) The Deatheaters were more like weakling drones rather then the creation of thousands of years of magical training & breeding.

d) You advertisted slash on a site that while may allow few slash fiction has always made it known that slash is pretty much considered to be like Porn to Christians.

e) You didn't properly quote when adding extracts. Quotes shall always be put at the top or bottom of a chapter (unless a character is reading from a book) with it being in a different font then the main storyline and centred.

f) Understanding? Seriously, did you even take the time to read through some of the threads before you joined?

g) Learn to masturbate.

My advise to you is:

1) DLP'S Potter Law:
http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=8086
Read it!
Love it!
Obey it!

2) Read some of the fics approved by the library to learn what people at the site crave.

3) If you can't take the fact that this site is filled with a bunch of critical bastards then either get out of here and go join all the warm people who live for despicale and revolting fan fiction or stay here and let us crush you which can either get you set to a mental instituion or make you grow something that resembles everyone here.

 

As much as I hate citing Potter Law, the OP needs to see it. Desperately.

Everything about your shit-can story has been said. Advice to both show tits and/or toughen up has been given. Though it shouldn't have even been necessary, you now know to read and thoroughly understand the stickies.

One last bit of advice: read the top stories in the library and works by author section. Hopefully you'll realize how subpar your shit is when stacked against real stories, and understand where the other posters' quality ( and surprisingly restrained) criticism is coming from.

Oh, and Terminus convention?

Please excuse me while I LOL. Get a job.

 

Well, I attempted to try and read your story but could not make it halfway through the second chapter.

I found your story stylistically immature and would not rate it any higher than 1/5.

I would encourage you to check out the Library here and the Works by Author section for the sake of making your writing easier to read. Additionally, I would encourage you to read all the Sticky's for the new members.

In conclusion, I despise slash and as you declared it as such, I struggled to remain objective while attempting to read your story. All that aside I found your story wanting and failed to be drawn into the plot or interested in the story whatsoever.