Glad to see you back in the saddle, Shezza. Damn fine work. No complaints.

I guess you are going down the road that Dumbledore and Grindlewald were associates before becoming enemies. All good and fine.

But for the love of God, DO NOT make Dumbledore and Grindlewald gay lovers. I don't know why the fuck Rowling said it, and I think I'll kill you if you do.

Keep writing!

 

It is my opinion that you reword this so that it alludes to that one Cess/Harry story in the Mature Work section...

 

It just amaze's me, I don't know of any authors who could make a scene about reading a book exciting. Excellent job Shezza and I cant wait to see chapter 15

 

i couldnt read past the first chpt

hey shezza im sorry 2 say unlike a lot of the dlpers i am christian and i couldnt read past the first chp of the first book i mean really it really put a lot of emphasis on "i hate god" and thats just not cool for me by the way whateva happend to ur other story u just stopped

 

Dude, are you serious? I'm Christian as well, but you need to realize that this is just a story. But eh, whatever man. Just seems like you're not very secure in your faith if you let a story bother you.

Oh yeah, loved this story. Easily shaping up to be twice as good as the first one which was amazing. 4.5/5

 

Harry is a bit foolish in ignoring charms. A quick check at HP lexicon reveals quite a few charms that could be usefull in combat situations. Not to mention all the other ways in which they might make things easier and more comfortable for a lazy Harry. I suppose it is these kinds of blind spots that separate Harry from the truly great like Dumbledore. Dumbledores book does contain charms afterall (like fidelius).

Your dislike of Hermione here shines through. Not that thats a bad thing as such. She was a bit annoying in canon and it makes sense that without Harry's "moderating" influence she would become this kind of bitch. I would love to see Harry totally kick her ass somehow. Maybe in some DA meeting?

I liked the idea that Dumbledore had actually written the book that Harry is reading himself together with Grindelwald. Book 7 might not have been the best of the hp series but this detail fits well here I think. Speaking of book 7, what happened to the invisibility cloak deathly hallow thingie. Why has Dumbledore not given that to Harry? It could come in handy in keeping Harry alive and (from Dumbledores view atleast) might give Harry something to connect him to his father.

Why does Harry want a philosphers stone I wonder. He is already immortal thanks to Meciel and I would expect there are lots of easier ways to get gold than create some ultrarare magical object.

Good end to the chapter. Hopefully we will get the next one soon. Though it is understandable that you want to have breaks in writing. Better that than a burnout for this story afterall. You losing interest and abandoning this would be a disaster since this is without a doubt the best HP story out there right now.

 

must be a fanatic? A couple of my friends parents are like that, wont read/watch anything that goes against their religion. It's a bit said to think of everything they are missing out on.

Meh, but thats just how some people are... dont know why it warrented a post though :/


*By the way Love the stories! I think the second one so far is lacking the... kick? that the first one had. Hope it picks up soon, good luck and update asap!

Fash

 

Lol, and you're on DLP?

In fact, why are you reading Harry Potter at all? After all, if you take your literature that seriously, you should hate Harry Potter because it has magic in it.

I do encourage you to try to carry on reading though, and look past your religion. The God in The Denarian Renegade is not the Christian God as is presented by Christianity: he is just a very powerful and (apparently) benevolent being, not a God as we would consider it.

All of this assuming of course that you aren't a troll.

 

I' can't wait for a chapter where Meciel just ditches Harry. It seems like Meciel does all the work, and Harry is just along for the ride. I have no problem with that but other than movement what is keeping Meciel tied to Harry. I'd just take control and make Harry give Dumbledore the coin, and enslave him.
I would really like to see Harry do something without Meciel.

 

Not to mention his name is dark phonix89, whats up with that.

 

'fathom how'

But now the readers demand it! Look inside yourself, you know this to be true.

Errrrr... 'resting' sounds better.

The 'at all' creates some awkwardness.

'particularly'

Why is it that this sounds more repetitious than 'raised up'? Anyone?

Nitpick: it's doubtful one spark grazed both arms. So... 'arm'

'Mr.' and 'an expansion'

'Curse is illegal'

Sure, he's an important man, but I'd leave out the 'the', or was it supposed to be 'the vestiges of Dumbledore's conversation'?

'You know, Malfoy, after'

'hangers'

Damned limey bastards...

Some of what?

'Arithmancy'

Lulz, you mean Lockhart didn't just make that one up?

'browsed'

I'm just sayin'... shit like this is the real reason we threw off the yoke of British Tyranny. This and 'foetuses'. And cars haven't had bonnets since they stopped being called buggies and started being pulled by an engine instead of horses. Even before then, they only had a bonnet if there was a woman riding in them.
Ahhh... much better. I have to get that out of my system every once in a while, or else I lose my objectivity.

'Anti-Apparation', unless it really is a ghost-repelling spell.

I'd say 'sprang out' rather than 'sprung up' but I suppose it's mostly a matter of taste. The up versus out part is what sounds the most awkward here, to me.

'Arithmancy'

'Arithmancy'. I'd change 'When' to 'Once', as well, because that's how I roll.

'looking almost gleeful'
Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, I know...

I'd change that to 'crossed', just because it flows better than the 'was buzzing/was crossing' situation.

Remember to keep an eye on the number of times you use 'suddenly' each chapter; 5 in this segment.

“Although I doubt it.”

'pored'
Pore: to read or study attentively -usually used with 'over'. I see poured/pored confusion quite a bit in fanfic.

Hehe, at least he's not ignorant of what a trying arse he is most of the time.

 

British/Australian spelling . Just cause you guys don't like U's .

Aekiel

 

No. I'm afraid that using pour in that context is incorrect no matter which side of the pond you're on. They're two different words entirely, with entirely different meanings, unlike flavor/flavour, color/colour, et cetera.

If you pore over what's on your screen right now, you'll learn something.
If you pour over what's on your screen right now, you'll short out your monitor.
That is what we call a crucial difference.

 

Ahh, I did not know that . Learn something new every day and all that rot...

Aekiel

 

I was wondering:
- If you have Merciel take complete control of Harry for a longer period of time, would it scare him enough to give up the coin?
- Is Harry going to "grow up" in this storyline and think about someone other than himself? I had thought he was progressing near the end of DR but he kind of took some steps backward in DK. Depending on the direction you go, Harry could develop some kind of grudging respect for Amanda or someone else. IMO I believe it would give a little more range to the story rather than Harry's persistently twisted, petty attitude. Not that I havent enjoyed it, it is just time for some development.

 

The first ever crossbreed between a pony and a phoenix.

 

Why should he think about anyone other than himself? The way you say grow up makes me think you think he's immature. In some ways he is, but becoming mature doesn't mean he has to think of anyone else's well being. I would be interested to know what exactly you mean by 'grow up'.

 

Are you sure? Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, trinitarian etc. etc.?

From the exposition in Shezza's story, I was under the impression that though God was a very powerful being, he was still finite in power - simply a much stronger being of the same type of being as all the other Gods he beat up (Thor etc).