The new chapter is up. Sorry about the delay life got in the way.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2971889/3/

Enjoy!

 

Great chapter. It's good how Harry is finally starting to expand the club. A few parts seemed a little rushed, but it was good. Glad that Harry is starting to realize early that he has to kill in war. Is Hermione going to stop being friends after she finds about the Club, or will she try to join?

 

I like the new chapter except a few things. Harry seems to rush in his inviting to the club. And Seamus by all means wasn't loyal to Harry. Most of the fifth year he didn't believe him.

 

I really liked the chapter. It shows a Harry with a purpose to his life that's getting his shit straight and doing something about the war. It also showed just how far he has to go to get up to Dumbledore's level.

Also, I really liked all of the magical theory. All the stuff about using to much raw magic manifested as real pain, masking your magic, and the wand motions being able to fine tune a spell was great. Especially the last one.

Great work, update soon.

 

Dark Lord Rostam - Hermione will not know about the club until she is ready to join.

What parts did you find Rushed?

Evil Shnitzel - Man I feel like an idiot. For some reason Dean and Seamus got swapped in my head. My beta only checks my grammar and other writing necessities he doesn't read Harry Potter so he wouldn't have caught that. Just imagine Dean and Seamus' name were switched.

 

not bad, i especially like how DD can feel the dark mark and make people pay attention to him, and handing the OWLs out only seems logical with Voldy out there. Is there gonna be a pairing to this story?

 

Well, for one the recruiting. The parts with Seamus and Dean to me seemed a little rushed. He says he needs to be careful, and he just jumps in and asks. To me, it seemed really rushed. Justin's parts was confusing, he comes out of nowhere and Harry just says "Sure, you can join," Also, if this is the Fight Club, how can girls join, like Hermione? Aren't they going to be throwing punches around, and kicking eachother?

 

I just finished reading this story and I have mixed impressions.

On one hand, the magical system is brilliant. In most fics that introduce wandless magic, it is simply used as a ‘cooler’ replacement for normal spells, while here its an underlying element of duels. The only thing missing here is some sort of explanation how come we haven’t heard about any of this before in canon. Oh and description of Dumbledore’s power was absolutely sweet.

Unfortunately, whatever good impression magical system and ideas managed to make, is ruined by several gaping pitfalls, like bad writing style at times (repetition of names in particular), canon inconsistencies (Ron coming to pick Harry up?) and bad dialogues.

My biggest peeve, however, is definitely characterization. If you saw Fight Club movie and read the book (as I presume you had), you should know that the membership in the club is basically turning characters into phlegmatics, without a care in the world. Your characters, on the other hand, are acting like PMS-ing women, having to use Occlumency to control their raging tempers (especially Harry). His initial outburst at Ron, rant about Remus and occasional temper tantrums are completely wrong for someone who’s supposed to beat people into pulp once a week. His motivation and ambition to improve, while nice for an Indy story, aren’t exactly in the spirit of the whole Fight Club idea, about letting your worries go and giving away to self-destruction.

This fic should have been something like a “Make a Wish”, where Harry’s motivation is to achieve one thing (have some stress relief before getting killed) and his results something completely other (his fight club is a huge success, he figures out that magical strength thing, which is the power from the prophecy, etc...). Instead, you made a solid Independent!Harry story, with only connection with the movie and book being the DA’s new name.

I’m not saying that the story is bad; on the contrary. Just that, judging by some its elements, it could have been much better.

3/5

 

killginny009 – There will not be any parings. I went back and changed my outline.

Dark Lord Rostam – The fight’s will be like duels except it doesn’t end when someone loses there wand. There will only be physical fighting if it is needed as a last resort every other time it will only be a magical duel.

IP82 – Thanks a lot your review helped me. This is my first story so I am still learning the ropes any help is greatly appreciated.

The thing that I want to show the most is the fall of the characters into what you call “Self destruction”. I want to show there gradual change from a normal person to someone who cares only for fighting.

Harry’s outburst’s at Remus was from years of pent up aggression at no one telling him anything about his parents I think it’s only logical he would have one. As for with Ron I always thought it would be a touchy subject with Harry to say he will become like Voldermort.

Thanks for the reviews they help a lot.

 

I agee with your logic on Remus, i've never really liked him that much. One would think that if he was such good friends with james than after his death, Sirius' imprisonment, and pettigrews "death" than he would want to be close to harry, but nope JKR fucked that character up too..

 

I agree with logic too, but not with Harry's violent reaction. It's not like Remus had directly harmed Harry in some way; it's more like he hadn't stepped in to help out when he could have. They couldn't have wolf/pup relation like Remus was trying to push for, but there's no reason for them to be deadly enemies too.

This sort of bashing logic when projecting relations is starting to piss me off more and more (in general). People are not divided on good and bad.

 

i agree to some extent. On one hand the logic bashing pisses me off and authors need to realize that there is a way for people to hate eachother w/o wanting to kill them. But i see what Eliyah was doing; i think harry was thinking that "he's never been there for me, i've been abused and hurt and he could've made it stop" in harry's mind the only way to express how pissed he was was to attack and lash out. I think that the severe hatred of Remus will die down to just a severe dislike after a while..

 

Killginny is right Harry is just a little unbalanced right now. In my mind Harry is a little bit off of his rocker right now. After having spent a whole summer fighting he is beginning to think fighting solves everything thus his reaction to Remus.

Thanks for all your reviews and critiques it really does help me become a better writer.

 

I loved this one. It could use a bit of help on grammar and sentence structure, though. Other then that, it was really good.

 

gotta ask when is a new chapter coming?

 

I am in a foreign exchange program. I am not going to have any free time for a while. Expect something new from me in about two months.

 

nice, what country?

 

We are in America right now but, we will be heading to Germany soon.

 

Glaring plot hole: Why would Harry want to edit: join a club with people who've only bullied him?

I just feel that something's missing from here - it's too rushed. And there's no canon evidence at all that Harry's enjoyed fights so far. I'd suggest that you add some flashbacks, more introspection, more emotions and thoughts. Standing as it is right now, this part of the story feels as if it's just saying: Harry saw fighting. He thought, "COOL" and decided to join.

And it feels that the whole story is too rushed and doesn't have that something that makes a reader really interested.

Another example:

That feels that you're pounding the fact that Ron's lost his innocence into the reader. Once again, add more of Ron's thoughts, emotions, expand the whole scene into several pages. When you say, "...wishing it could stop." you should make that into a whole paragraph itself. Here it just seems to be saying Ron saw a wounded man. He lost his innocence.

 

Yeah, can you say macho? Why wouldn't girls be able to fight. At my karate club there are several girls, a few of them are really good btw.

About the storie. It can be better. The fights are well, sorry for putting it so rude, bad. None of them use their legs. Your legs are one of your most powerfull weapons in a hand to hand fight. A kick to the knee or the side hurts a lot more then a punch. A kick to the head knocks your opponent out. And yes a trained fighter is able to do that.

"As Harry punched, Dudley rolled and retaliated with a straight left to his cousin’s nose. " Huh? Two mistakes here. A: dudley showed his back. Never do that. B: if you come out of a roll or a twist why do a straight jab when you can use the speed of the roll to place a faster and stronger hook?

The second problem I have is with the way things progress. It just goes to fast. Harry learns how to do that magic in no time. He learns how to fight in no time, which is physicly impossible seeing as there are certain reflexes that need to be overcome to fight well. You need to pace your story a bit.