Title: The Forgotten Child
Author: LDR
Rating: M for safety
Genre: Adventure/Angst
DLP Category: Alternates
Pairing: Unspecified
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: One Prophecy. Two Boys. One unloved while the other is ignored. Join Harry as he seeks power and authority in the Wizarding World and starts a rebellion while swearing revenge on those who neglected him. Eventual Cold and Dark!Harry. Rated M for safety.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4441047/1/The_Forgotten_Child

It's different to the usual Wrong-Boy-Who-Lived Stories. No Voldemort in this. IMO it has a decent start so far

 

This is ok, I'm not really a fan of neglectedtwin!Harry stories though. Also it seems like this isn't a Wrong-Boy-How-Lived story at all. Since it appears that Chris is the chosen one.

My guess is that Harry is going to become the new Dark Lord, while Chris is the chosen one. As for the story I just skimmed it and didn't pay attention to any spelling or grammar errors but I can usually read though that anyways. I wouldn't be surprised if we see a powerful Mary sue OC come into the picture at some point judging from his other story.

2/5, there isn't all that much to really rate it yet.

Luke

 

well, aside from the fact that this looks suspiciously like a self plug, it doesn't quite hold attention.

Of course, I'm only on the first chapter, and it only seems to be two chapters long, but, eh, it's extremely cliched.

Prophecy? Check
Potter Twin? Check
Chosen One Who Must Get All Attention? Check
Unrealistical parents? Check

Basically it all seems really, really contrived, and even though I haven't seen the main character himself yet, I'm already expecting someone suish, I'm afraid.

... I just started reading chapter two.

Okay. The writing? The writing is okay. I'm not seeing any significant grammatical errors. That said, the pacing moves a bit too fast, and it seems like the author is rushing things to get to the meat and gritty of the story- something which makes it hard to keep interest up.

Additionally, the dialogue in some parts is cringe worthy- though mostly this seems to stem from the illogical bent the Potter Parents have with regard to their sons. One needs training, so we'll throw him into the fray, but let's keep the other as sheltered as possible?

I'll give this a 2/5. Right now it's nowhere near the usual standard- though with work, effort, and most of all, time, I could see this becoming an okay story.

 

“Well, I wasn’t going to say anything, but you asked.” Bob Costas to Joe Posnaski.

JLM, LDR? Hell yeah. Fuck the fucking vowels. The fact that this is your first post to DLP, and the superficial similarities between your and the author’s name, lead me to assume that you’re one and the same. I will address my review accordingly.

I got into this wanting to like your story. The concept of sibling-who-lived is appealing, and when you talked about a different than usual version of the premise I was hopeful. I am not an arbiter of this forum, but I don’t think this belongs in “For Review”. Your A/N makes me believe that there are three more chapters to go before you even get to the meat of the story.

This is a good thing, though. You haven’t written too much, which means you can throw that shit out and start over. You dug yourself a hole in the second paragraph and are fighting to escape it ever since.

Check it:

See what I’m getting at? When JKR started writing the Potter books she had a young audience in mind. So she was very explicit in attributing speech to speakers. Every sentence was preceded or followed by the word “said”. There was no jolly run through the thesaurus. She used “said”. It is admirable that you want to avoid repetition, that you don’t want to use too many adverbs, but you must see that this won’t work. In your very first chapter, less than two thousand words in, you have someone “hiss reproachfully”. That’s just not on.

You must be aware of that problem, because I am—as the reader. The constant need to outwit yourself, to come up with yet another way to not say “said” makes your dialogues a chore. You’re interjecting where you should put your characters in the spotlight.

Unfortunately it’s not just the writing I have a problem with. The marginal cost of training a second child is negligible. The effort of actively alienating one of the two is much higher than just treating them identically. I have a pair of nephews. Fraternal twins around the age your Harry and Chris are. They’re different in temper, personality and already somewhat in interest. Reality already has given you an in to make one of the brothers light, one dark. You stomped in with the subtlety of a chain saw.

What is natural about that? It takes a lot of effort to play with only one pre-schooler when there are two around. You’d have to be an utter cunt to do that. If utter cuntishness is what you have planned for Sirius, then fine. It just is without context elsewhere.

You say that the difference between treatment is slight, only to belie that with all the following examples.

Then there’s the teaching, books, wand, whatever, affair. Where it would be so much easier to throw both of them into it, you fabricated conflict out of nothing. I never really thought about the sibling-who-lived as a device, and yet I can come up with many believable and subtle ways to distinguish the brothers. All I ever get to see has the subtlety of a mallet. Even in this “different to the usual Wrong-Boy-Who-Lived” story.

I appreciate the attempt to describe your universe succinctly. Since it didn’t come up in the second chapter I doubt that the term length the Wizengamot serves is crucial. Having James think about such things in Dumbledore’s antechamber is more than a little contrived. There are more elegant ways to inform the reader.

My review might seem harsh and it is. I think you’d be much better served in “Work by Author” at the moment. I want to read a good sibling-who-lived story and maybe you’re the one to write it. You got off to a very wobbly start, and will have to battle hard to right that. I won’t rate this, because there is not enough to rate. I tried my hardest to be constructive in my criticism, so take from it what you will.

Cheers.
Cy.

 

I have to agree with Cy Block, this definitely needs work. It is fairly hard to believe that because of the prophecy, one twin would be ignored and slightly neglected while the other was given all kinds of opportunities. You need a more subtle approach to making Harry turn down the dark path.

 

The story's nothing great(only two chapters posted) and the descriptions are horrible. No characterization what so ever except the usual Harry is neglected. Also the dialogue is in pretty bad shape. It sounds mechanical most of the time with no high points what so ever.

This story needs a large amount of work done on it. 1/5 for now and that's being generous.

 

Didn't even finish the second chapter.

Not going to rant about it 'coz CY hit the nail on the head, but its not just 'the teaching Chris and not Harry' that's just retarded, its also the way they speak to Harry while telling Chris about his "training".

1/5 as it stands, but since its only 2 chapters I am not going to rate the thread.

 

Too little to judge, though it needs a beta for the grammar.