Cool it is. Harry Potter it is not.

 

Camera man makes ten.

 

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

 

To be fair, we really should be using this.

 

Lol, wrong thread. This should be on the funny pics one.

 

Black humour is best humour, no?

 

:| Republic... You joined today. You have 40 posts. Perhaps you should slow the hell down and lurk for a bit. :|

 

I'll try to keep it productive from now on, but I'm not a fan of lurking, so, no.

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

What a woman says: “This place is a mess C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!”
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !

 

When are we going to get that thumbs down button?

 

What do you call a dead Greek?

A Turkish delight.


And a South African joke

So one night in a pub in London there's a South African guy there and he gets a call on his phone and he answers it and when he puts it down he shouts out "My wife back home has just given birth! The next rounds on me!" so now everyone crowds around him and one guy asks him "Is it a boy or a girl?" and the South African answers back "Boy 13 kilograms (Almost 30lbs)." and everyone's amazed and the new father laughs and says "Ja we make 'em big back home. So about a month passes and one night in that same bar the South African comes back and as soon as he gets to the bar everyone crowds around him and one guys says "We've been making bets on how big your boy is now. Would you mind telling us?" So the South African Looks at him and says "11kg." And the guy asks "Why? What happend? Is he okay?" "No nothing to worry about." The south African man says taking a sip of his beer. "We just had him circumcised."

 

Religion & Worse

Not sure exacly where the line is... but here goes;

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?


...It only takes one nail to hang the picture.



What's black, blue and red all over?


...The eight year old in my cellar.




A man and a little girl are walking through the forest in the evening. The man is whistling but the little girl is sniffling. Eventually, the man gets annoyed and stops. He says, 'Look, Kid, I don't understand why you're crying. I'm the one who has to walk back on his own.'

 

And Grinning Lizard takes the prize for the creepiest thing I've heard/read/seen for about a month. Congrats.

Now for the one-upmanship.

What do you call a dead baby with a dislocated jaw?

Spoiler

Deep throat.

 

Fabulous.

I see your Dead Baby and raise you Anti-Semitism:

Why did Israel stay out of the Gulf Wars?

Spoiler

Because the last time they spoke to a Bush they spent forty years walking around in a desert.

 

Ahhhh, but...

How long does it take an Aboriginal woman to take a shit?

Spoiler

Nine months.

 

Oh fuck SS X_X I'm broken.

Just off the top of my head:

What's the difference between a hard-working black man and Bigfoot? Bigfoot's been seen.

Not very funny, but I had to put something up.

 

God forgive me...

Very good - but you know it's all downhill from here (and very old jokes):

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?

Spoiler

An Avalanche

What do you call a group of Asians running down a hill?

Spoiler

A Mudslide

What do you call a group of black people running down a hill?

Spoiler

Jailbreak.

What's also black and blue and red all over?

Spoiler

Rihanna

What's black, has eight legs and frightens women?

Spoiler

Gang Rape

What is thirteen inches long, pink and makes the missus scream all night?

Spoiler

Cot Death

 

You need to stockpile for these situations Juggler! Just like keeping a baseball bat around in case of a zombie infestation is a necessity, so is keeping a stash of sick jokes in your head in case of a dirty joke contest.

What's the difference between a woman, a toaster and a washing machine?

Spoiler

A toaster doesn't get wet when it's fucked.

EDIT

Damn it Lizard! You post ninja. I even used quick reply. I think it's time to get out the dead baby jokes.

What gets louder as it get smaller?

Spoiler

A baby in a trash compactor.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Spoiler

Nail it's other hand to the floor.

Why is it best to unload a truck full of dead babies with a pitchfork?

Spoiler

So you can tell which ones are still alive.

 

Aye, it's a slow Sunday and I've had no sleep, so I'm running on caffeine and multitasking about six different things - DLP is up in the background and my firefox updates the page every minute or so.

Before I burn out, I suppose I'm going to take the game to your field;

Dead Baby Marathon

*winces at the impression he is creating this early on*

What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

Spoiler

A dead baby nailed to ten trees

What's the difference between six dead babies and a Mazda 2?

Spoiler

I don't have a Mazda 2 in my garage.

What's the difference between a Macbook and a dead baby?

Spoiler

It's much easier to get the macbook turned on.

What's the difference between a clay pigeon and a dead baby?

Spoiler

Personal Preference.

What's red and sits on the kitchen counter?

Spoiler

A baby in a blender.

What's green and sits on the kitchen counter?

Spoiler

The same baby, six weeks later.

And, finally...

What's do Maddy McCann and Blackbeard's Treasure have in common?

Spoiler

They're both six feet under a beach somewhere and will never be seen again

...sigh. We're evil people.