Evil is such a strong word.

What's red, noisy and crawls up womens' legs?

Spoiler

Homesick abortions.

What's the difference between a grandma and a baby?

Spoiler

Grandmas don't die when they're fucked up the ass.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a baby?

Spoiler

You don't cuddle with your girlfriend after sex.

And here comes the big one...

What's grosser than gross?

Spoiler

A pile of 100 dead babies.

What's more gross?

Spoiler

There's one live one at the bottom.

What's even more gross than that?

Spoiler

That one baby eating it's way out.

What's even MORE GROSS?

Spoiler

It went back for seconds.

 

Lol. Nice.

I concede defeat - I can no longer summon fresh jokes to the forefront of my psyche; I shall bow gracefully out with one last contribution...

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Spoiler

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

And... I think that's enough of my sick humour to be getting on with. If people aren't laughing by now, they never will be.

Peace,

G.L.

 

How do you make a baby float?

8 oz of root beer and some ice cream!

 

Aight guize, worst joke in the world time.

Q: What do you call an elephant that's been turned into a cat?
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A: A cat.

 

I'm out of thumbs, but that was awesome.

Joke!:

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

Spoiler

A pilot, you racist! >:[

 

I'd completely forgotten the best joke I know;

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, 'Cor - hot in here, eh?'

The other turns around and screams 'Oh my God it's a TALKING MUFFIN!'

 

Know how I know you're gay?

Your best joke comes from Charlie Sheen's sitcom.

 

Lol. I might have forgotten the /sarcasm tag. You think after jokes I previously posted my favourite would be about muffins?

 

How do you get a squirrels attention?







You grab his nuts

 

How do you make a little boy cry twice?

Spoiler

Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.

Everyone in this thread is going to hell.

 

This is hilarious. I, a 16 year old girl who goes to a Christian oriented girls only private school where we have mandatory communion, beat a 25 year old male in a sick joke contest. I think I am in an alternate universe.

One last parting gift. My personal favourite.

Why did the baby drop it's lollipop?

Spoiler

Because it was hit by a truck.

 

You're my hero...

 

You want bad? I have bad. What do you do with a black Jew? Send him to the back of the gas chamber.

 

How do you get a hundred dead babies into a trash can?

Spoiler

A blender

How do you get them out?

Spoiler

Taco chips

The rest dead baby jokes I knew have been used so...

 

What's even worse than twenty babies in one trash can?

Spoiler

One baby in twenty trash cans.

 

A man calls to his boss and says he cannot come to work because he's sick.

"How sick are you?" his boss asks.

"I just raped my four-year-old daughter."

That must suck...

 

It does. The wine's not even alchoholic, just grape juice. But at least the bread tastes good. Homemade and still warm from the oven and everything.

 

Okay so something in this thread reminded me of something really fucking weird that happened to me the other day. I was sat at a bus stop when a friend of mine that I'd literally not fucking seen in about 10 years came and sat down next to me. It took us about half a minute of confusion to actually realise who each other was but after that came the usual eager swapping of stories and current situations and low and behold he was getting the exact same bus as me.

Now all the way through this, I couldn't help but notice something really fucking weird about him; his head was way too big for his body, like someone had pumped it up with air and it was a strange yellowy orange colour, as though he'd gotten jaundice.

Eventually, as we sat down on the bus together, I asked as politely and sensitively as I could what had happened to it.

He laughed and began the strangest story I think I've ever heard.

He was walking along a beach one day when he'd found a strange coin, about as big as a fifty pence piece but with a strange hole in it. Something about it had really caught his eye, he'd always been interested in unusual things, even when he'd been a kid, so he'd immediately added it to a small necklace he carried everywhere with a number of different charms on it. Celtic knots, patron saint medallions, that sort of thing.

After that, three weeks went by and he'd almost completely forgotten about it.

In this time, some awful things had begun to happen in his life, his father died after spending a long time suffering from pancreatic cancer, something my friend had gotten into an awful lot of debt over by maintaining his BUPA payments. Not to mention he'd lost his job and that his girlfriend of three years had left him for another man.

One day, when things were at their worst, he'd been sitting on the same beach, staring out to sea, contemplating ending it all, when he remembered the coin he'd found. Staring out to sea, watching the sheer beauty of the sun setting over the horizon and idly toying with the coin around his neck, he made a silent vow to himself to give things one more day to turn around before he killed himself.

On the way home that night, the day before he was due to be kicked out of his flat, he spent his last pound on the National Lottery.

He won a one hundred and sixty million pound rollover that very night.

Fast forward two months, he was living in a mansion, throwing massive parties every night or relaxing by the pool with servants to wait on him. But still, he was depressed. There wasn't anyone in his life any more that he didn't feel were only there because of his money. The relationship he'd had with his girlfriend had seen him through the very worst of things, the worst moments of his Dad's illness and try as he might, he wasn't able to make that sort of connection any more.

A few more weeks go by and he finds himself once more, sat on the beach, staring out at the same sunset, his fingers tracing the coin around his neck. One more night, he decides, to make a meaningful and real relationship, because being that lonely was destroying him inside.

The same night, walking home, he stopped by a beautiful woman looking for the time, they immediately fell in love, had a whirlwind romance and ended up married two weeks later.

After imparting this to me, my friend fell silent for a long time and I couldn't help but find myself confused.

"I'm sorry, but that doesn't explain-"

"No," he said, interrupting me. "No, I'm getting to that."

A long moment of silence descended between us.

"Now, you've got to realise that I'm a serious sceptic," he said to me. "But you can't deny that this coin has some sort of power. Right?"

I couldn't do anything but shrug, I was a sceptic too.

"So I went back to that beach," he continued, with a small, sad smile. "Just to find out how it worked."

He fixed me with a long, distraught stare that told me everything he'd said was true. His eyes spoke a million words about the hard life he'd endured, the trials and tribulations.

Then he looked away and the moment was broken.

"I sat on the beach, stared out at that sunset- and this is where I think it all went wrong," he said. "Because I wished for a giant orange head."

 

Well golly, at least you have that to look forward to.