What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

 

Fixed that for you.

 

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a

man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they

concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the

man more pleasure during sex.


After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided

to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they

concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.


The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their

own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it

was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

I'm not sure whether or not to take offence to that.

 

Take not, for it proves the ingenuity and perfection of the male physiology.

 

Wel at least your university is efficient

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this companydoes business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

 

Bringin' it back with a copypasta from Reddit:

Sauce.

 

My door bell rang this morning.
I didn't even know it had a phone.

My Mrs asked me to buy something to make her look nice.
So I bought 12 cans of lager.


Due to the bad weather my local Tescos had no milk today.
Just as well Doris my 93 year old neighbour had loads of it piled up on her doorstep.

Blonde takes her car to the garage. "Nothing to worry about, just sh*t in the filters".
"How often do I have to do that?" replies the Blonde.

Past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

I used to go out with a girl with a wooden leg, til I broke it off.

I couldn't figure out how to play Tetris at first, but once I read the manual all the pieces started falling into place.

I kept getting woken up last night by the bulimic girl next door. Eventually I had to go round there and ask her to keep it down.

I went to my TV repairman's wedding last week. The ceremony was a bit dull but the reception was excellent.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I had to chuck out my old hoover. It was just gathering dust.

I had a brief stint working as a lumberjack once. I couldn't quite hack it though, and in the end they gave me the chop

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia

 

:awesome

/ten characters

 

Those were fucking great!

 

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just fucked a 13 year old escort"
Still, I don't get out a lot and a few hours at the police station made a nice change.

I just bought my missus a Prince CD for Christmas.
It was a bit expensive at £20, but I partied like it was £19.99

I received this text message earlier
A N B G
I think that it's bang out of order.

I saw a poor old lady fall unconcious in the snow today.
Well, I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse.

I was so drunk when I got in last night that I picked a fight with a mop.
Wiped the floor with the shaggy-haired cunt

My girlfriend just broke up with me using the excuse that I was too kinky for her.
I nearly choked on her piss when she told me.

The girlfriend just broke up with me saying that she couldn't handle any more of my lies, but I reckon it's because my cock was too big for her.

What do gay horses eat?
Haayyyyy

What do really gay horses eat?
Cock.

My ex was so dumb she thought a zebra was the largest size they came in.

Husband and wife in bed. Man says to wife "fancy a game of rape?"
Wife says "No"
Husband "That's the spirit"

 

And these were even better :awesome

 

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag

:awesome

 

Thank you for the hilarious jokes, AAli. They were great.

 

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

 

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar...every morning, and then he stays there until it closes.

 

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"