I wondered why the ball was getting closer: then it hit me.

 

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

 

Why did Jesus cross the road?
To get a Cross.

Why did the monkey fart?
It ran out of ammunition.

EDIT::facepalm

 

Hate to break it to you but I already told the last joke, and the rest are not even worth commenting on.

 

Then it was such a great joke it bore repeating. .

Allow me to try again.

1. The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

EDIT: A few more.

2. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

3. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

4. When God made Adam he spoke, "My son, I will make you a woman who will be everything you need in this life. She will cook without complaint, pleasure whenever you will, raise your children and do your bidding."

Adam was shocked. "Gosh, Lord, what'll it cost me?"

"An arm and a leg."

Adam was pensive a moment. "What can I get for a rib?"

 

ok time for some new jokes

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'



What is the definition of ultimate rejection?
Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
so he went to the
doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
sex, to stick his
finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
smell would cause his
hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
decided to make his
move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
in her pussy, and then
rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began
to stiffen. Amazed, he
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
in her pussy, then
rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4
erect. He decided to
try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
around under his nose.
Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
"Honey, quick
turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and
with his dick standing
tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and
said, "Looks like the
worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"

​

 

Unfortunately, I was eating when I read the last one...

 

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See
those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask
them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting
at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One
of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then
walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?"
he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close
to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a
dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."
"The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"

 

I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what i would like to do most with her body. Apparently 'identify it' was not the right answer.

Did you hear about the French chef who killed himself?
He lost the huile d'olive.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week

What do you call an Irish woman with 2 arseholes ?
Jedward's mum

I saw Heather Mills trying to use an ATM.
She couldn't get her balance.

A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday.
I told him there was no need for senseless violence.

Near where I live a man was shot using an athletics starting pistol
Police are saying it was race related

First thing this morning there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber's got.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...

A guy at work had a right go at me for spelling the word "Armageddon" wrong this morning.
But why bother.. its not the end the world.

Went to see Postman Pat doing stand-up last night
His material wasn't great, but his delivery was excellent

 

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."


_________________________________


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

A friend said to me: "When I first met you I expected you to be like a Sony 6 CD deck hi-fi."I said: "Come now, that's just a stereotype."

 

:awesome:awesome:awesome

 

I apologize if this is a re-post.

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"?

The ugly women stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell did you think thy're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice"

 

Ahh... I remember that one. My maths teacher would tell that one like every second day... good memories

 

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on

him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to

come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who

worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had

anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and

handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one. Once

at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he

gulped them down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see

his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was

ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted

to put liniment on his dick. Charlie replied "No,I need it for my arms the

women never showed up!"

​

 

Went to the opticians today. He told me I was colour blind. Fucking hell I thought, that's come completely out of the orange!

Asked my missus for a wank last night. She started rubbing my cock with a keyring.
Perhaps it's just me, but I felt like I was being fobbed off!

A man has been caught masturbating in a newsagents
Apparently it's all over the papers.

My wife walked in on me masturbating over an optical illusion.
I said "It's not what it looks like".

I've just been gang raped by a group of mime artists...
They did unspeakable things to me.

 

Roses are red, nuts are brown, skirts go up, pants go down, body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in, it goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer its in, the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and it starts to sag, its not what u think, its a lipton teabag

 

I’ve booked a table for Valentines Day night.... I'm hoping it goes better than last year though, she was so upset she hardly potted a ball all night

Went to the Apple store and saw they had a sign in the window: "Apply within."
Well, what the fuck else is it going to be inside? Orangy?!

A mate of mine bought a 2 litre bottle of Tippex
Big mistake

I have been talking to a 14 year old girl on the internet shes funny, flirty and very sexy, now she tells me she's an undercover cop, how cool is that at her age?

I got very emotional at a petrol station this morning. Pulled up to the pumps and just started filling up.

My girlfriend came in crying, but I ignored her. She said I should console her, so I hit her with the Xbox.

I had sex with this girl I met at a club last night.
It was inevitable it was going to happen, you could tell, just by the chemistry.
Rohypnol and chloroform.

 

I tried walking onto an army base today but was stopped by a guard, who was only 5ft 4. "Sorry mate, you're not allowed on here" he said.
I thought to myself, "He's a little territorial."

Just to let you all know, I've been admitted to Hospital. i've just gone and poisoned myself. I ate what i thought was an onion but it was a Daffodil Bulb. I'll be out sometime in the Spring.

I wanted to sue Ryanair because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said "You don't have much of a case."

I brought a dyslexic bird home last night. She cooked my sock.

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, her legs went to jelly and she fell to my feet!!
These Taser guns are well worth the money.

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof

Hired an Eastern European cleaner last week. Took the lazy bitch 5 hours to hoover the apartment.
Turns out she is a Slovak



Sorry for any repeats, I've lost track of what I've posted in here.

 

Thumb just for tazer one.